Chapter 4: ♡ | I : Nightmares Come to Life

On a dark and gloomy night, I was caught in a pit of black tar. It was melting uncontrollably and sucking me into its trap. I felt like I was sinking into a pool of darkness. At the center of this madness a child called out to me, screaming for help. “Help me please”, he begged. I tried to reach for him but our hands did not meet. The boy cried tragically, “Dear Goddess please save me!”

 

Without knowing the meaning of this dark fairytale, I woke up abruptly in a sweaty panic. Lying in bed, I could hear the sound of a heart beat that was unfamiliar to me. It was playing over and over again in my heard like a word bug. ‘Thump thump thump’, rang in my ears like the chimes of a bell on a windy day. What was this sound? A premonition perhaps? Lately these dreams would occur almost like episodes of a nightmare that never ended and I hated it.

 

Every so often, in my dreams, an unknown voice called out to me but vanished as I rose from my slumber. How strange, this situation was abnormal. The voice of a helpless child kept playing over and over again in my head.  Like a curse, this dream and these sounds, continued for several months on every full moon. What a strange situation. I wonder, who calls out to me? I pondered while staying in a state of uncertainty. Anxiously, I shook my head in awe as these dreams continued to haunt my peaceful rest.

 

On a night with nothing but stars and moonlight I felt engulfed by my thoughts. What kind of sick joke is this? “Yet another suspicious dream about the same kid crying out for me to save him. How frustrating! I keep seeing the same thing over and over but no matter what I do I can’t figure out where this kid is or why they keep calling out to me.” I kicked up a fuss while sitting up in annoyance! With a huff, I could not help but think how irritating it was for a Goddess like me to be so useless in situations like this.

 

“No matter how much time passes, no matter how much I search there are no signs of him. Am I losing my mind? What are these dreams supposed to mean? Is this a prophecy or an endless nightmare? For months now, on every full moon I keep having these dreams… reoccurring and getting clearer. Then I wake up and I hear the sound of heart beats come in and out of my mind like a ticking time bomb. I swear this is driving me nuts! I’m going to go insane at this rate!” I screamed aloud in a state of frustration. Then I sighed regretfully as I tried to puzzle together this auspicious situation. It was all too much for my mind to process this early in the morning.

 

Frankly, speaking out loud only made my circumstances sound even more ridiculous. In the back of my head, I couldn’t help but wonder if this child was destined to become my guardian or was this another tragic mistake. It’s not unheard of for guardians to appear in dreams, and since I rarely dream of other humans perhaps this could be a sign?

Alas, I wasn’t sure and the last thing I needed was yet another lesson from the elder Gods. Mocking me as they always do. I hissed like a pissed off cat at the idea of one more bullshit torture session setup by my great great grandmother, the current God of this universe. That old bat just wants to get a rise outta me I swear! I huffed with irritation just thinking about that sarcastic smug face of hers.

 

“She traps me in this never-ending prison called Earth and kills everyone I love to spite me. And she says it to help me?! What kind of bullshit is this?!” I screeched in disgust while trying to make sense of this messy situation. Everything about this ordeal felt weird and unsettling. It was almost like a trap yet I felt compelled to walk right into it. “Most deities find their guardians right away. They frolic in a field of flowers like merry assholes in love and go on their merry fuckin’ way! But me? Nooooo! I get stuck being a murderer and watching everyone die and then getting blamed for it cause my relative has a cactus shoved ten feet up her ass! Honestly what kind of bullshit is this?!” I clicked my tongue and grumbled in bed. I bet the old hag is scheming something stupid again. Tsk, what’s new?

 

Typically, goddesses get a man when they hit puberty. It’s so simple, they just find a mate naturally and turn them into a guardian angel. It’s usually a soul mate fated connection cockamamie like situation but fuck at least it happens quickly and it’s not the world’s most antagonizing process! Except in my case of course, where everyone who falls for me dies in some horrible sick way and leaves me behind to mourn their deaths like I’m some sort of harbinger of death! Just thinking about all of this was enough for me to let out a cynical laughed. Please don’t let this dream human be another victim falling for me only to fall into their grave a little sooner than expected! What a sick tasteless joke that would be.

Seriously, I hope this child’s fate isn’t going to end that way too. “UGHH! WHAT A FUCKIN MESS!” Aggravatedly, I let out a howl and shook my head in distress. I’m literally thousands of years old and I still live this life so pathetically unable to protect a damn thing! “Hi, yes, it is me the Fire Goddess, still single and a virgin not by my choice of course but struggling to find a mate because they all drop like flies cause my great great grandmother is a psychotic dictator!” I began to ramble sardonically to myself. The more I reflected on my own life the more I thought ugly things. What a fuckin’ disgraceful hot mess you are Raiszadah! Get your shit together already! Even flea ridden dogs have a better life than you! I berated myself as I pushed my hair away from my face and stared out the window to calm my inner screaming demons.

 

These dreams did not help my already unstable mind and they have been coming up in and out of my slumber for years now. Recently however, they became more vivid and realistic. Maybe this kid is a witch or shaman... I speculated while kicking off my blankets. That would explain why things are clearer now. Perhaps they’ve grown more powerful by now? It’s not unheard of for powerful spiritualists to be able to connect with deities but why would one of my followers do that? Given MY track record and all, do they not fear death? In visible shock, I mulled over these thoughts while trying to figure out the meaning behind this reoccurring dream situation.

Come to think of it, I never heard his voice so clearly until now. Is this a positive sign? I suppose it is right? Hopefully this kid has a bright future ahead of him. Immediately, I sulked at the thought of shit going wrong as it normally does. My mind was going all over the place with these thoughts while I was trying to decide what to do next.

 

“Ahhhh!! This is so irritating, why can’t I just use my powers to locate this damn brat already! I just wanna get to the bottom of whatever this is! And those stupid old ladies won’t even reply when I call them for advice. It’s like they know shit but won’t tell me! Those wrinkly old hags!! I bet they are so content watching me on their stupid monitor mocking my every move!” I ranted loudly while imagining the elders mocking my eternal sufferings from up in Heaven. It boiled my blood just thinking how they knew about all this shit and didn’t even try to see my side of the situation!

 

“You perverts! Are you enjoy the free show?! Evil twisted sadistic grannies! Just letting me fend shit off by myself in this prison! As if raising my sister’s kid wasn’t enough work! I bet you sickos are enjoying this. You’re all probably just sitting around on your asses sipping tea with your uppity overinflated egos mocking me and gossiping. Ha! What it this time? Throwing the bitch another tough case huh? Oooooh you old sack of bones really enjoy my pain, don’t you? Well fine! I’ll just deal with this shitshow myself then!” I shouted with sassy cat eyes glaring at the sky, aiming my rage directly at the Heavens above while erecting my middle fingers in their direction! Now that I’ve bitched and riled myself up, I guess it’s time to haul ass and do some actual work.

 

With a deep breath, I scratched the back of my head and as I tried to calm myself in order to approach this situation more rationally. “When will I find you, when will I meet? Why can I hear you but not figure out where you are?” I chanted in a meditative trance hoping the child would answer. Somehow this situation weighed heavily on my mind. The longer things drew out, then more I felt useless and idiotic knowing how little progress has been made. As if I failed already, I couldn’t help but cry thinking how this situation might end just as others have before.

 

Tears of defeat dripped down my cheeks as I recalled some unfortunate memories of departed loved ones. Truthfully, I hated feeling so useless and helpless. More than anything, I hated myself for wanting to be happy and wanting love yet always ending up with the corpse of my loved fading away in my arms. Being unable to solve this mystery after years of hearing and seeing this kid in my dreams hurt my pride in the worst possible way. My body was shaking as I sat there helplessly thinking of where to begin and where to search but nothing came to my mind.

The child did not respond either and my anxiety only grew deeper. Frantically, my mind ran wild with stupid ideas but my common sense held me down. Persistently, I reminded myself that I couldn’t just go around harassing every human in plain sight in hopes of finding a match. In retrospect, that would be a stupid course of action to take no matter how tempting it was at the moment.

 

To some degree, my attempts at finding this mystery child seemed pointless but my stubbornness was still alive and kicking so I pushed myself to continue. Clueless as I was, my passion to challenge fate did not die off just yet and encouraging myself once more was important. Despite the taste of past defeats, I felt a burning desire to destroy my cursed fate. The world seemed calm but my heart was a roaring lion waiting to pounce and devour my enemies.

In spite of how sick this game was, I was ready to play her twisted games of fate and destiny once more. Haughtily, I scoffed in vain and chanted holy prayers in an attempt to connect with the soul of this phantom child. Regardless of destiny, I intended to find this child and save them somehow. Positively, I affirmed myself with these brighter thoughts as I meditated further in hopes of making contact with the young one.

 

Skillfully, I pushed through the abyss of wandering souls and felt an image come to mind. A beautiful longhaired boy possibly in his teenage years was locked in a dark room. Injured, battered, suffering and exhausted, my anger rose as I witnessed such horrible scenes. His voice grew louder, sharper, and deeper with an intensity like no other as I heard him calling out to me. “I beg of you Goddess of Fire please save me,” the boy pleaded in front of a small idol figure, trembling pathetically as the candles burnt down and the incense fell to ash. It felt cruel yet beckoning, as if their life rested solely on my shoulders.

Without hesitation, I was compelled to save them as soon as possible. I wanted to be led straight away to this child. How dare anyone torture a child like this. For someone to cry and summon me the Goddess of War and Destruction, how tragic and desperate they must be. Insistently, I tried to understand the meaning behind this situation but it was beyond normal reasoning. “Boy, what happened to you? How dare you summon a dangerous goddess like me so pitifully? Don’t you know who I am? I am Raiszadah the Fire Goddess. I am no healer; I kill and destroy!” I rebuffed this soul with my words.

Indeed, I wanted to help him but I was curious to know why he kept calling out to me of all the deities in this world. I wanted to find out what sort connection bound this child to me. Quickly, I continued to meditate in hopes of getting a proper answer. It was pretty clear this was no ordinary boy. His energy felt different and his ability to contact me was no easy feat. No ordinary child could summon a Goddess like me, nor appear so frequently in my dreams. He was suspicious and abnormal. Certainly, this meeting was fated to happen and very likely this child would someday cross paths with me. Perhaps we are bound in some way.

Faintly like a whisper in the wind, I could hear the boy speak. “My dear goddess I humbly beg of you, please save me. Please kill me or free me from this prison. I do not wish to continue this life of pain and misery any longer. I am a prostitute sold to a brothel in Northern China. I am ill, weak and at my limit. Please have mercy on me, I beg of you, please save my soul. Please kill me.” The boy spoke humbly. His tears muffling his voice as he conveyed his sorrowful prayers. This feeling, this dire situation bore great concern within me.

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Heedlessly, my desire to save him grew stronger. I wanted to save this child no matter what. Without a doubt, I was certain this child was meant to be saved by me. He was worth risking another battle with that old broad. Perhaps he is the one meant to be my guardian? If he lives, would he even accept this fate if that were the case? How cruel for him to live so long in misery only to end up by my side. Much to my dismay, my pessimistic thoughts made me feel conflicted as I thought about what sort of life this child would have with me. Who would want to live beside a deranged monster like me?

Despite my self-loathing, I wanted to help the boy. Even if the elders tried to kill him, I would do everything in my power to save him. Regardless of obstacles, I wanted to try at least to keep him safe and alive. For so long I buried the ones I loved. I was branded as the scapegoat and used as the sacrifice for the Heavens above. A goddess like me has to be shackled and bound lest I become too powerful for those noisy old hags to control. But how funny it is, no matter how much they try to break me I keep finding reasons to resurrect this hollow shell and stand up once more. Perhaps I just wanted to find a reason to keep on living, to continue this blind war with the Gods above. My solitude, my abandonment, and my pain, for decades I have been tortured by fate but once more I will not yield to this sorrow and agony.

 

Enviously, I watched others find their happiness. Humans, deities, animals, and nature all find their way through life. Yet, every time I tried to grasp my own happiness it was crushed to death before my eyes. My joy continues to burn to ashes as punishment for this cursed existence. I know my pain is a leash. This life is a constant reminder to submit, to behave, to be loyal. God knows how to bind me to her will but even though she tries so hard to shackle me, fate is beyond her control too. She can sway the wheels of time, imprison me on Earth like a vagabond roaming for a lifetime but this little game of chess will burn up in flames soon enough.

 

These chains grow weaker by the day. It sickens me and it has become a tiresome burden to live this way. I cannot not help but feel motivation to use this opportunity as a way to rebel and stand my ground against God. After thousands of years in isolation doing her bidding all alone and fighting wars like a madwoman I deserve to retire from this chaos in peace. Murdering and slaying, murdering, and slaying, over and over in violent redundance. It’s tiring! Acting as the Goddess of War and Death, while yearning for peace and love is draining me. What sort of mess did I get myself into?

 

Even I want a chance to live my life the way I want to! Without all of this drama and bloodshed. How many times will it take until I am finally set free of this curse? Every time I try to be a rebel things become chaotic and at what cost? The lives of those I love get destroyed as punishment for my disobedience. In the end, I became this bitter wretched woman tamed and silenced into submission like a puppet who is no longer herself. As if my life dried up with nothing left to look forward to. At least, this is how it felt until this child showed up. To think this kid would give me the push I needed to revive my dead spirit and move forward in this world. How twisted and amusing indeed.

 

With a soft angelic murmur, I spoke once more. “Little one~ I shall save you. I will find you and care for you. Give me some time to find you, I will release you from your suffering soon.” After sending my response, I smirked spitefully thinking how life has funny ways of stabbing my old wounds. “To think I would return to that tragic place after moving back to mama’s village. What kind of sick joke is this?” I muttered to myself as I recalled some unpleasant memories from my time spent in Mongolia.

 

Those long-gone days of war and heartache, must I face them again? I dreaded the thought of reconnecting with an ex-friend whom I haven’t seen in years. Still, my heart was yearning to see her. Curiosity egged me on and I knew I missed her dearly. I was curious about what happened to her since I returned to Brazil. We parted in tragedy but my love for her never died. Unwittingly, I shook my head just thinking about this messy reunion. What an annoying situation this is. Obviously, I could just sweep everything under the rug but guilt weighed deeply on my heart. “I caused her pain… It’s my fault she lost her husband. I ruined her life too.” Foolishly, I sighed while lamenting on the past and wondering if my heart could handle this upcoming trip.

In an effort to put past matters aside, I decided to get the ball rolling once the sun rose. “Jahei, wake up!” I called out to the young man sleeping beside me while smacking him to get up. At that moment, Jahei turn to me with a face of disgust. “I keep hearing this heart beat thumping again and again and these dreams are becoming more vivid each month,” I exclaimed vividly. My son, who was slightly confused and irritated, shot me a pair of grumpy cat eyes before he replied. “What kind of nonsense are you going on about now mother?” He was clearly not a morning person and looked rather irritated as he spoke to me.

 

“Shall we find this person tonight? Where do we even look? Did you hear anything about a location? Do you sense anything?” He asked good questions while readjusting himself in bed. Timidly I replied, “Well… about that. I don’t exactly know where he is but I was able to find out he is in Northern China. He was sold to a brothel. I assume if we check places with prostitutes, we will find him since those kinds of places are outlawed in many parts of China these days.” As I explained myself, I was met with the most disgusted face ever while Jahei sat up to glare at me. “Oh boy,” I mumbled hoping he would stop glaring so much.

 

“Are you seriously going back there? The last time you were in Mongolia you got your heart broken by some degenerate primates and you were severely injured. Are you even ready to face something like this again? Mother we barely left that mess behind a few years ago! What if this human is just a normal worthless ape? Many people have spiritual powers, don’t be fooled by one annoying mortal! We don’t even know if he is your guardian. Making irrational decisions won’t help us in situations like this-” Jahei was ranting away and I became defensive.

 

“Jahei you’re so mean! That was over ten years ago! I can’t keep living in the past and letting what happened to Kiran and Kana control my life forever! Why do you have to be so insensitive all the time?” I shouted just before I broke into tears, crying heavily and loudly. With a guilty expression Jahei trembled and gave me an apologetic look.

“Ughh, don’t cry mother. I didn’t’ mean to upset you. It’s just you get so sentimental about these stupid humans and then you’re the one that gets hurt when they die. I’m just worried what will happen if things don’t go well. You can’t keep falling in love and thinking you’ve met your guardian only to end up with a tragic heartache! It’s too much for you and too much for me to just sit back and watch!” Jahei expressed his feelings while inching closer to hug me.

“I’m sorry mother… I just can’t see you suffer anymore. These humans are so cruel to you. Please don’t cry. Everything will be okay. No matter what happens I will always be here for you.” My son said in an effort to pacify the situation and comfort me. It was obvious that he had good intentions towards me but his wording was too blunt and hurtful. Regardless to say, after hearing such sweet words, I couldn’t help but smile softly and hug him back. Although my son has a cold personality his heart is pure and he means well.

 

Indeed, Jahei has always been a good child. He always stays by my side protecting me and loving me dearly despite my faults. It makes me feel bad at times for dragging him into my messes. “Mother, did you have a dream about that person? Are you getting worked up because you think he may be your future guardian?” Jahei asked while withdrawing from our heartfelt embrace.

 

Hoping to explain the situation in more detail, I responded calmly. “I only caught a glimpse of his face and voice. He told me to save him and gave me some information about his location before I lost the connection. But I do think he could be my guardian. His energy, and his abilities are not normal. For the most part I want to see who he is for myself and save him. Whether he turns out to be a normal human or my guardian I will decide later on once he’s older and in safer conditions. For the time being, I just want to keep him safe and out of harm. He is a pitiful child.”

 

Suspiciously, Jahei looked at me with a slightly annoyed face, as if to say. ‘Where the hell should we even begin to look mother dear?’ Sighing deeply, I reassured him by saying, “Now, now, we won’t travel all over the country like asses! For now, we will relocate to Northern China and explore the area for clues. I get this feeling we will find him soon.” In an effort to appease my hot-tempered son, I flashed a convincing smile but his weary expression only grew longer. Defiantly, he scoffed and whined while muttering with passionate rage.

“Honestly, that cursed place… wasn’t Mongolia enough of a mess for you. China isn’t far off. I swear if someone makes you cry one more time, heads will roll! Look mother, I’m so tired of these bugs playing games with you. So please, just make sure you know where you are going this time and don’t let human affairs cloud your judgement. I can’t take these painful love affairs anymore. My desire to crush those insects only grows when I see your pain. The last thing I want is to deal with another trivial loser that will make you cry again! I’ll ripped his throat out if he does something bad to you.” In awe I just sat there with my eyes widen and taking a moment to examine the mood in the room.

 

Goodness, this child of mine is violent when he’s being protective! Honestly, people are gonna wonder who raised you to be this way! My head swirled around with such worrisome thoughts as I gave out a loud sigh. I then proceeded to pat my son’s soft brown hair and reassure him that things will be fine. “You’re such a good boy, my lovely son,” I said with a grinning face. “I know I have caused you great concern and grief over the years but trust me this is the last time I plan on chasing anyone. If it fails, I will give up and accept my fate like a good sport. So please breathe and don’t go killing people randomly.” I tried to reason with Jahei before continuing our conversation.

 

“Tsk, fine, I’ll behave until those pests give me a reason to strike,” Jahei grumbled but his sour face lightened up a little bit.  In an effort to carry out my plans, I smiled and explained what we needed to do first. “Okay so since we will be amongst humans again, we need to think up a good story, okay? We gotta blend in and be just like them. Do you have any good suggestions?” I asked with a hint of optimism. “Am I going to have to act like your father again? Every time we are around those obscene primates, they ask so many annoying, unnecessary questions about why we don’t age, always pestering us and hanging around with their annoying stupid ape like faces. It really pisses me off,” Jahei complained with obvious disdain.

 

“Oh my, do you really hate it when those pretty young girls flirt with you? Honestly, there is no need for all this hostility! To be quite frank, I would love it if you actually settled down with a woman and started a family”, I retorted. Unforgivingly, Jahei gave me another angry glare before muttering with clear disdain. “Whatever, I don’t care about humans regardless of their gender. I intend to be alone forever. Let’s just find whoever it is you’re looking for and go back into seclusion.” Understanding that this was not going anywhere, I decided to drop this unwelcomed subject but not before patting his back gently and hugging him affectionately.

 

“Don’t be like that, even though we are deities it doesn’t mean we have to hate humans. Just because they are different doesn’t mean we should not try to get along peacefully.” I said with a motherly tone. My son just sighed knowing he could not win against the woman who raised him. Eventually, he shook me off and proceed to gather his belongings while I prepared for our new journey. “What I’m going to do with you?” I mumbled to myself while looking at my son.

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