Chapter 5: ♡ | II : Goodbye My Princess

Several weeks later we arrived in Northern China to begin the search for the mysterious child. Our first stop in this search was be a remote village near Ejina Qi. I had some acquaintances in the area who might be able to give me some information about the underground world. However, before meeting up with them, I needed to settle some unfinished business first.

 

My dearest friend Kana Hongshi who broke up with me after the death of her husband was living nearby. Previously, I was a warrior that helped her husband in a rebel war. All three of us were like a sibling trio but to my surprise Kana was in love with me and this caused issues in our peaceful little family. After I rejected her romantic advances and told her to focus on her husband, we remained friends but after he died, she was devastated and told me never to see her again because I broke her heart twice. So here we are now. My head was aching just remembering this mess.

 

I mean, she was right. I did fuck up. Big time. When brother Kiran was fighting his last war, he could have won but due to some miscommunication he was killed while protecting me... Ughh! Men and their chauvinistic ways! I told him to let me handle shit and he goes and takes a spear to the chest instead, Kiran you big moron! Then, shit got worse when Kana found out and she thought I planned his death to hurt her! In reality however, it was all a huge misunderstanding. After several hateful words and typical bitch fight drama out of respect for her, I left the country and went to the dead sea to mop around.

 

But now that I look back at it, this whole situation was just awful and really petty! Moreover, I already wallowed away for a few years like an idiot until Jahei fished me out of the lake and we moved back to my mom’s tribal lands in Brazil. Isn’t that enough repentance? From what I last heard, Kana moved back to her home town to live with her parents, maybe we can mend the hatches once and for all? My heart was a turbulent mess as I tried to figure out what to do next.

Due to this unfortunate series of events, our once lovely and wholesome bosom buddy sisterhood was broken and an unfortunate love triangle was formed somewhere in between. In spite of this, I really wanted to see her and patch things up. Although, she was the one who told me to disappear forever and this reunion can end up going horribly wrong but at least it was worth trying, right? Honestly, this back-and-forth banter meant nothing to me, I just thought it wouldn’t hurt to say hi if it meant I could see how she was doing and if she was well after all these years. Even after a decade, I still love her deeply and hope she was okay.

 

“Hopefully she doesn’t still hate me. I hope she got a new man and moved on with her life,” I mumble to Jahei who was standing beside me the entire time. “Mother, how long are we going to stand here?” He asked with a deadpan expression. “Well, ughhh I guess I should knock on the door, right? This is the right place… I think? If I remember correctly from what the village elder said it should be here.” Anxiously, I stuttered nonsense while knocking on the entrance door. “Hello? Is anyone home?” I asked wearily.

Suddenly a voice called out from around the corner. “Yes? Hello?” Then random old granny popped out of nowhere looking up at us in confusion. My reaction was like a scared alley cat, I jumped back and let out a shriek. Jahei just stood there unbothered of course. The little punk. “Umm, yes are you Kana’s mom? I’m a friend of hers. I was in the area while traveling and wanted to say hi-” I awkwardly introduced myself in the most unmannerly unladylike way possible and before I could say more the old grandma started to cry.

OH SHIT!! I BROKE THE GRANDMA! DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? Oh, for fucks sake and we just got here too! Dramatically, I shouted obscenities in my head while shooting Jahei a help me stare. To which he responded by aimlessly staring into space like a useless dumbass. I swear this is why I hate kids! So useless! It’s like I brought you here just for decoration! My brain was in a state of panic and I had no idea what to do but then the old lady spoke up while I kept frantically glaring at Jahei.

“My daughter- she’s, she’s not here anymore,” the granny continued to say while sniffling and crying her poor eyes out. “W-what?!” I gasped in a state of shock. I couldn’t process what I just heard. Deliriously, I said, “y-you mean she moved out right? Did she re-marry or something? Or become a nun?” I tried to think positively and let out a nervous laugh.

 

Sniffling pitifully the granny replied, “No dear, she’s dead. She died 12 years ago during childbirth. It’s all because of that horrible man, if only he didn’t force her to marry that evil bastard. My daughter... she would be alive right now!” Hysterically the old lady cried and dropped her basket of food in the process. Along with her, I fell to my knees, crying unconsciously and shaking in disbelief. “You’re kidding right? Granny?! You can’t be serious! When she left her husband, she wasn’t pregnant! Who did this to her? When could this have happened? Why didn’t she live?”

 

My head was swirling, I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out from shock. I wasn’t expecting this news at all. I had no idea. If I knew she was pregnant, if I knew she needed me I would have stay even if Kana hated me for it. Begrudgingly, I clenched my fist and banged the ground letting out a scream of anguish. My heart was sinking as I continued to cry bitter tears of regret.

 

In an attempt to calm the situation, Jahei knelt down to pick up the granny’s things and help me up as well. Staggering to stand tall, I felt dizzy so my son held onto me and hugged me protectively. Then granny and I cried until our hearts were content and she let us into her home to talk more. After several hours of back-and-forth stories, I learned many tragic events took place while me and Kana were apart.

“You see, when Kana was younger her father married her off to a powerful young lord in exchange for a high dowry. We were very poor at the time. My husband was a gambler and opium addict. He would often beat me and our children. He used to be extremely violent towards Kana because of her strange illness… Her pale skin, purplish eyes and silver hair, people called her a white snake or a demon girl.

Because of her appearance, we became outcasts and eventually our family was banished from the village and forced to live on the outskirts away from others. We were mistreated because of Kana’s physical features. It caused us many issues and made our lives difficult. Kana was a sweet child but people feared her just because of the way she looked.

 

My husband despised her for causing him so much shame and problems with the other villagers. Despite this, she was our only daughter in a family of boys who all died from plague diseases and war. She was the only one to survive yet he condemned her for living on. It was painful to watch and I wanted to save her. But what could I do? A poor farmer’s wife can’t protect her own daughter…

So, one day I told her if someone offered to marry her to take it and leave this awful place. All along, I hoped the lord would treat her well so when he offered to marry her, we agree immediately. I knew she was still young but I feared if she didn’t marry off soon her father would kill her at some point. I always hoped her future husband would be better than that evil man. Who would have thought that her husband was a rebel leader and would be killed so soon after their marriage?

He turned our daughter into a criminal and died without leaving her anything except a few trinkets and heartache. When she came back to our village, she was already pregnant too. She had been carrying a child since her husband was alive and grew sicker throughout the pregnancy. It was so heart wrenching to watch her grow weaker and weaker as she continued to carry the child.

 

For a while her father disappeared and we thought he was killed or taken by gangsters so we continued our lives in peace until she gave birth. She had a little boy who looked just like her but with black hair and dark eyes. It was a blessing and a curse. The next day she died in her sleep from birthing complications. She was too weak and none of the doctors would treat the demon lady, so they let her die.

 

In the end, I raised the baby by myself until my husband returned 5 years later. That evil man would beat us and threaten us saying gangsters were out to get him and he was a runaway. Within a year the gangsters showed up too and took my grandson and burnt down our house. That’s how we ended up in this pitiful rundown shack that you see now. It was such a terrible mess,” the old granny continued her story, crying and trembling as she spoke.

Jahei and I listened attentively but the story was incredibly painful to hear. He remained composed as always but I could not hold back my emotions during this conversation and cried as I heard of Kana’s dark past. In my heart, I was so mad and upset. I couldn’t think properly. I just wanted to die in shame and grief. “By any chance do you know where your grandson is now?” Jahei finally spoke, startling the two of us.

At first, I didn’t understand what he was trying to say but then my heart sunk deeper. “Wait! YOU DON’T THNK-” I blurted out suddenly and was hushed by Jahei. “Silence while I talk daughter. As I was saying, do you know where the boy is? We would be willing to help you rescue him if you can help us find some clues.”

With that sentence Jahei went back to his statuesque position and I was gasping in shock after putting the clues together. “Jahei what the fuck, are you seriously thinking HE is the one we’re looking for?” I shot Jahei several intense glares beaming my thoughts at him with telepathy so only he could hear my flabbergasted statements. To which he replied by nodding in a calm gentlemanly manner and then we both waited for the granny’s reply.

 

“All I know is those people are thugs who sell children to bigger cities and brothels in the Ningxia province. Since there’s no way from me to travel that far I could never go. Besides that, I don’t even know if my grandson is still there. He could be anywhere or even dead too,” the granny sobbed louder as she covered her face with her hands to stop the tears. “Then, we will travel to Ningxia to look for him. And if we find him, we will contact you if you wish.” Jahei continued to reply diplomatically.

 

The elder shot up her face at the words Jahei said and begged us to save him. In a state of despair, I could only nod and wipe away my own tears. “By the way, what ever happened to that piece of shit father?” Jahei asked coldly. Kana’s mom took a step back and pointed at a bedroom door. “He is bedridden and sickly. He is dying. A few years ago, there was a strange illness going around our area and he caught it. I was able to recover but it left him severely weak and ill. I often thought of killing him myself but I feel he deserves to live and suffer in pain for how he treated all of us,” she said timidly with tears spilling down her cheeks.

 

Upon hearing these words, I felt compelled to do something to blow off some steam. Tiredly, I sighed before getting up and walking over to the bedroom door. The old lady called out to me and asked me to stop but I entered the room before locking the door behind me. To my surprised, I saw an ugly old withered man, small in stature, balding and grey like a corpse. He was thin, lying on straw covered by a cloth, just staring out the window. The room was bleak and empty much like him. My thoughts were venomous and full of disgust. I wanted to kill him right there and then.

 

“Who is there?” The decrepit old man asked, turning his head slightly to see me standing nearby. Steadily, I peer over him and eyed my target like a rabid animal preparing to hunt. Soon enough, wrath engulfed me and my eyes glowed like a raging fire storm. “Are you... an angel? Hahah, I guess it is my time to die isn’t it miss angel? Have you come to take me away?”

The fool continued to speak callously. My brows furrowed as he spoke. Clearly, I was irritated. I wanted nothing more than to slit his throat open and rip out his tongue after hearing about his sinful crimes. “I’m here to tear you apart,” I threatened him and grabbed his face with my claws. Mercilessly, I held his skull tightly and stared into his eyes, sending terrifying visions of murderous intentions into his mind.

 

“May all your deepest darkest fears come true, you disgusting spinless worm,” I mocked him as he struggled in my grip. He let out a faint screech before suffocating and passing out. “How dare you hurt the ones I love,” I cursed him as he lied their breathless and dead. Menacingly, I traced my claws around his chest and swiftly tore his heart out, crushing it into pieces without so much as a flinch. For some reason, it felt cold and his vile disgraceful blood spilled everywhere.

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What a pain, I thought while shaking the blood off my hand. As I turned to leave the room granny unlocked the door from the other side to see her husband covered in a pool of his own blood. She looked at me with disdain and fear as she saw his mauled face. My eyes reverted back to a normal human tint but she looked at me like I was a murdered. Well, she wasn’t wrong. “Wait a minute- are you people part of the gang too? Did you come to kill him?! Please don’t kill me- I,” she backed away from me and ran out of her home.

 

Unnervingly, I sighed knowing how common this reaction was. People often feared me, for one reason or another so by now this was normal. Like a specter, Jahei stood by the living room watching the scene unfold with his cold as ever eyes. “Are you done cleaning up the mess?” He asked while turning to exit the home with me. “Yeah, he’s dead now,” I replied.

 

As we left the shack, I turned to look for the terrified old woman but for some reason I couldn’t find her. “Granny, stop hiding. I’m not planning to kill you and we’re not gangsters. Anyways, I’m going to the grave site to pay my respects to Kana. Then we’re going to Ningxia. If we find your grandson, I’ll send you a letter. If not-” I was in the process of talking but granny was silent and the scent of blood was engulfing the air. Eerily, I began to look for the old woman with haste until my eyes were met with a sight of horror.

“What the fuck-” I let out a grim sound as I saw the gore before me. “Granny!” I shouted and ran up to the old lady. “What the hell are you doing?” Immediately, I tried to grab her and examine her but she was already bleeding excessively. “I won’t let you people continue to torture me with lies and false promises. I have nothing more to do in this world. That bastard is dead, my daughter, my sons are gone. My grandson is gone too. I have nothing left. I’d rather die by my own hands than end up being killed by thugs like you!” The old lady screamed while her blood spilled everywhere. “Kana... I’m so sorry. Please forgive me in the next life,” the old lady said these final words before she turned cold and faded from this world.

 

Without hesitation, Jahei ran up to us and tried to examine her but it was too late. She stabbed herself in vital areas and was too old and weak to be saved with the supplies we had on hand. In a state of panic, I was shaking and crying, my head felt heavy. Taking control of the situation, Jahei pushed me aside and took granny’s body to the grave site. He performed a funeral for her while I sat there mindlessly having a panic attack. My head was unstable and disoriented by all the chaos of today.

 

“My heart hurts...”, I cried in frustration. Why did the old lady have to go and kill herself? Why did she have to react like that? It’s probably all my fault for being so violent... I always find a way to screw everything up. If only I never came here, none of this would have happened. Kiran would be alive, Kana would be alive, and Granny would be alive.

God, why do you torture me like this? Are all the people I love tied to a domino effect of deaths? I felt like a grim reaper, a bringer of death. People kept dying and dying because of my mistakes! “I’m sorry Kana, I ruined everything. I am a failure,” I berated myself with these words and bawled my eyes out until nightfall came.

 

Once the sun rose, we burnt down the house where Kana’s parents lived, burning the old man to ashes, and saying a big screw you to him before we left the village. We then headed to the burial grounds to say our final respects to my friend and her mother. At this point, I was worn out and emotionally distressed. My body was heavy and I could no longer feel myself swaying drunkenly as I walked up the uneven terrain. When we got to the burial grounds my legs gave away and I collapsed in front of Kana’s grave.

 

In agony, I cried out her name for hours until my voice felt hoarse and numb. Dramatically, I kept banging my fists against the dirt and hugging the grave marker in a pathetic manner. Honestly, I felt like I was losing my mind at this moment. Jahei watched me from afar and helped me place flowers around Kana’s grave. He then left me alone to have my final moments with her.

 

“Kana... I’m sorry,” I whined, snot flying everywhere as I tried to stop my tears from flowing endlessly. At this moment, I hated myself so much. “I’m so sorry, I failed you. I promised to protect you and I couldn’t even do that. I should have never let you marry Kiran! That day, before you went to marry him, I should have stopped you. I should have taken you away and never looked back.

 

I’m sorry. I made everything worse. If you never met him, no one would have suffered! And you would all still be alive. Kana! I- I should have been more honest with you. Even though we were friends, even though we were like siblings I really really did love you. I loved you so much, I could never bear to hurt you. I knew all along we weren’t meant to be so I pushed you away.

 

And Kiran...! He really loved you too. I couldn’t betray him and I couldn’t lie to you. I’m so sorry. Because of me, you’re both dead now. Because of my interferences you both suffered so much pain. If it weren’t for me, Kiran would have been alive right now and you would be alive with him. And neither one of you would have suffered so much heartache. Forgive me Kana... Forgive me brother Kiran. I ruined everything.”

Madly, I chastised myself before Kana’s grave, regretting my choices deeply. All along, I knew my existence was a curse, a dark omen that I wanted to escape from. Since forever, I wanted to disappear. To run away and be sealed away for eternity. So that I couldn’t hurt anymore ever again. But I knew that wasn’t possible. They are all gone just like soap bubbles. They burst in an instant if you get too close and then they can never be retrieved no matter how hard you try. “Everything just disappears”, I mumbled to myself in sorrow.

 

All of this was overwhelming me and without warning my heart was throbbing in agony. It hurts... I wish I could hold you once more. I wish you were still here Kana. You were so young, so weak yet so kind. Your death was in vain. My mind was racing faster than I could think.

Remorsefully, I felt so guilty for how things ended between me and my dear friend. We split up because I hurt her. Her husband died because I failed to save him in time. Her child is suffering because of my incompetence. It’s all my fault. I have to see her once more and apologize to her!

 

Like a pandora’s box unhinging, before I knew what was happening, my body moved on its own. As tears poured down my face my arms flew forward while my hands kept pushing dirt aside. “Mother are you done? Mother what are you doing- MOTHER STOP!!” Jahei came running towards me trying to restrain me as I dug my nails into Kana’s grave. With a violent jab, I pushed him aside and kept digging like a maniac.

 

“DON’T TOUCH ME! I NEED TO SEE HER. I NEED TO SEE KANA ONE LAST TIME. SHE’S MINE. SHE’S NOT SUPPOSE TO DIE LIKE THIS. Kana…! AHHHH!” My voice pierced the air like daggers, only the screeching of my pain was audible at this point. With exasperated eyes, Jahei stared at me for a moment before giving up on trying to stop me. He knew he could not overpower me physically so he didn’t even bother to try.

Silently, he walked away with a disappointed sulk on his face but at that moment I was too mentally unstable to care. My arms were shaking but I continued to dig further. “I know... this was wrong. I’m being sick right now,” I confessed to the grave owner.

 

“I shouldn’t disrespect your grave. I shouldn’t do this but- I might die right now if I don’t see your face one last time. It’s killing me. Everything about these past few days hurt so much. I need to see you Kana... in order to let of you go. I need to say goodbye to you one last time. Kana...” I cried in anguish with blood-soaked fingers, a tear-stained face and dirt covering my body.

 

After my deranged episode, I finally made it to the coffin. Firmly, I lift the cover open, decay, dirt, and bugs, all flew up at me. Unperturbed, I brushed them aside with ease and gazed at Kana’s dead form. Not surprisingly, I saw her body, her bones, and her rotting flesh before my eyes. Nothing beautiful remained yet in my heart there was peace. Her silver hair was fading but still remained intact. Her bones, her skull, fragments of flesh were in front of me. Admittedly, the smell was horrid but in spite of this I felt at ease.

Tenderly, I held her decaying form in my arms. With love, I began to hug her as gently as possible. From dusk until dawn, I stayed there weeping and repeating the words, “I’m sorry”, and, “I love you”, over and over again like a devoted chant. The next day I kissed her forehead before laying her precious corpse back to rest. Respectfully, I took a lock of her hair and fragments of her bones to keep in my sachet.

In return, I left flowers in her tomb along with a bundle of my hair in her hands. “So that even in your resting place I will always be with you, protecting you and keeping you safe. Goodbye my princess. I love you dearly, I will never forget you.” I said these final words to Kana before sealing the coffin and burying her once again.

 

In an effort to apologize for my sins, I tidied up the grave area and erected a decorative grave marker for her. “With the blessings of the Fire Goddess Raiszadah you will never suffer again. May you be reborn in the next life as a girl who receives lots of love, happiness, and kind parents. May no one ever cause you harm again.” After saying my prayers, I casted a powerful protection spell on her grave to prevent anyone from finding it, coming near it, or destroying it. It was hidden from the living forevermore, only the spirits and gods could find her resting place now.

 

Once I was done tending to her grave, I walked away slowly, unwillingly, and mournfully turning back often before gritting my teeth and running towards Jahei who came to pick me up. Instinctively, I ran into his arms and cried hysterically. Silently, he held me and comforted me with gentle head pats and a warm embrace. Once I calmed down, we mutually decided to go to Ningxia in order to search for Kana’s son, who was very likely to be the child that kept appearing in my dreams.

My heart was heavily torn and my mental state was not the best but I decided to keep going. For the sake of redemption, I had to keep moving forward. Despite the pain, I did not want any more people to suffer. Surely, this time I could save someone. I told myself this in hopes that I would be convinced and believe in myself once more.

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