Chapter 16: Makoto Flashback Chapter 11: I Love You, Ms. Yuuki (Vol. 1)

My job...can be very rewarding...working with these awesome kids...helping them succeed in life...it's...one of the few things that make me feel like I'm not a completely useless fuck face.  However, there is one part of my job as a Behavioral Interventionist that always makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the entire world.  When I have to say goodbye, permanently, or reduce hours with a client, I can say with confidence, that there's no worse feeling.  Seeing the kids cry or get upset because you aren't going to be around, anymore...is heartbreaking.  It's cruel in a way.  I'm not a parent...probably never going to be one since I am the way I am but...it almost feels like I'm leaving or saying goodbye to my own children.  I know I'm not their parents.  Hell, I'm not even a distant relative...at the end of the day, I suppose I am just a complete stranger but...that doesn't make the pain I feel any less awful to deal with.  As someone, who has been deserted by a parent when I was younger, it makes me furious at myself that I have to do the same to these kids.  When my dad left, I was, initially, devastated, whether I wanted to admit it or not.  Me having to leave these kids or reduce my time with them...makes me no different than him...and that pisses me off...so much.  

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"Xander, have you made any friends at school, yet?" asked Xander's mother as she drove him to school in her van.  

"Uh...I've met a few new kids that I like and...I get to play with them and the friends I made last year during recess," Xander replied.  "I also, eat with them at lunch."

"Have you made any friends in your actual class?  That is where you spend most of your time, isn't it?"

"N-No, not really," admitted Xander, despite knowing his mother wouldn't be thrilled about this information.  "I usually work alone and keep to myself.  When I do have to work in pairs, I'm stuck with...that one girl because I sit by her.  It's stupid.  At least, she isn't dumb and the aide helps us both when we are stuck." 

"You aren't becoming friends with that girl, are you?" questioned Xander's mother, firmly.  "I already told you that no good will come from you befriending someone like her.  She'll just hold you back from your true potential…which you have a tough enough time reaching on your own.  Plus, don't forget...it's kids like her that are going to make life harder for Madi when she has to start school.  Students like that girl are hogging all of the student aides when they don't need nearly as much help as kids like Madi."

"I-I'm not friends with her," assured Xander, being disgusted by the thought.  "I hate her. The only reason I work with her is because the teacher makes me."  

"Good, I'm glad to hear that.  Hopefully, the teacher, eventually, changes the seating chart so you don't have to sit by her.  I'd like you to be sitting by normal children like yourself so that you can make friends that will actually benefit you in your future."

Xander didn't quite understand what his mother meant by benefiting him in his future but the only thing he did know was that he wished, more than anything, to be moved as far away from Makoto as possible.  

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Xander found himself staring out the window on the door of the classroom, rather than listening to what the teacher was saying.  Makoto and Ms. Yuuki were talking outside of the classroom about something.  Xander was curious as to what it was about and why it warranted the two of them stepping outside of the classroom?  

"Xander!" hollered Ms. Williams, causing him to refocus on her.  "What's happening outside of the classroom isn't any of your business.  Don't let it distract you.  Just try to focus on me and what I’m talking about, alright?"

Ms. Williams resumed with what she was saying as Xander forced himself to pay attention to her. It angered him to no end that he got in trouble, again, because of Makoto.  He believed it wasn't his fault that he was trying to see what was happening outside of the classroom.  It was her fault, not his.  Why was he always the one getting in trouble?

Stupid Makoto, insulted Xander inside of his head so no one else could hear him.

All of the sudden, Xander heard the sound of loud crying coming from outside of the classroom.  He recognized the crying, immediately.  It was Makoto's.  He frowned and the rest of the kids in the class and, for a split second, even Ms. Williams, stopped what they were doing to check out what was happening outside of the classroom.

"It's okay, class," said Ms. Williams, redirecting the classes' attention back to her.  "Makoto's just...having a rough day is all.  Everyone has a bad day, once in a while."

What is she talking about? thought Xander in annoyance.  She's always having a bad day...always crying like a baby.  Why doesn't Makoto ever get in trouble for being distracting but I do?  It's so stupid.  So stupid.

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I had been with Makoto for a while and had seen her have crying episodes, a couple of times.  The one she was having, right now, was, definitely, one of the worst one's I'd seen.  I knew Makoto was going to have a rough time hearing the news that I wouldn't be at the school as long with her.  Still, I thought that since I would still be with her for most of the day, the news wouldn't hurt her too much.  That was stupid of me.  These kids get frustrated by changes...big or small, especially when it came to someone, they had gotten close to.  My work told me, last minute, over the weekend, that starting this week, I would only be with Makoto until right before lunch because I would have another client, later in the day.  This decision was made because of how well Makoto was doing.  

"Makoto...it's just...a couple of hours at the end of the day that I won't be with you," I comforted. "I'll still be with you for the rest of the day."

"B-But...w-who's...going to...e-eat with me...at lunch?" she asked in between sniffles.  "W-Who's...g-going...to play...with me...at recess?" 

I didn't have an answer for either of these questions and that was the most irritating part.  I wished that I had the right words to provide this girl with comfort but...I just didn't.  Just another reason I was shit at my job...just like I was shit at everything else.  I got on my knees so that I was on the same level as her, who was still weeping like crazy.

"Makoto, I know, this seems like a really bad thing but it isn't...I promise," I said, trying my best to be convincing.  "You've been doing so well, lately.  You've come so far and are doing so well in school and...most days, I don't really even have to help you too much.  I know this can be hard for you to comprehend but...there's other kids, who are having a really tough time...just like you used to.  They need my help, really bad, as well.  Without me, they'll keep struggling to get through their lives.  You don't want to prevent me from helping those kids, do you?"

Makoto shook her head, no.  I held my palm out in front of me and, just like I knew she would, Makoto took my hand and began digging her small forehead into it, to help herself calm down.  She always did react well to stimulatory coping strategies...this one was her favorite.  

"You're such a strong girl, Makoto.  I know that you're going to do great in the afternoon without me.  It'll be tough, for sure...but you'll get through it...because of how strong you are.  Please, be brave for me, alright, Makoto?" 

Makoto's answer came in the form of her nodding her head, yes, while still digging her forehead into my palm.  I wrapped my other arm around her and pulled her in for a hug and began rubbing her back.  

I hate this part of my job...I really do.  At least, I'm not saying goodbye to Makoto, permanently.  I'll still see her for the mornings, up until noon but...it'll be weird not having her for the rest of the day.  Still, like I already told her...she's strong.  She'll be able to get through it.  The real question is...will my weak ass be able to get through it?  

"I-I love you, Ms. Yuuki," muttered Makoto as her tears and crying, finally, seemed to be letting up a little.  

I had been working as a BI for years and had several tough farewells with my kiddos but...this was the first time that exact phrase had been said to me.  Whether she truly meant the words or not, I couldn't help but not be affected by it.  I felt myself welling up inside and could feel the incoming urge to cry as well.

What the fuck? I thought to myself.  I never cry.  What the hell is my problem?  I...I can't cry.  My work told me, when I started, that I can’t cry and that it’s not allowed.  Plus, it'll only make Makoto even sadder.  I...have to suck it up.  I...I can cry later, if I need to.  

I swallowed, hard, and did everything I could to hold back my own tears as Makoto finished up her crying episode.  

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1,2,3,4, Makoto counted in her head as she sat down approximately four seats away from the other kids at her lunch table, just like Ms. Yuuki had taught her.  

It felt so different eating lunch without Ms. Yuuki sitting by her.  Makoto did find it was weird that Ms. Yuuki never ate anything but enjoyed having the company.  It made Makoto feel safe...and comfortable having someone sit by her.  Plus, she had gotten used to talking to Ms. Yuuki during lunch, even though she didn't like it, at first.  Now, the seat in front of her was completely empty and she felt just as alone as she did before Ms. Yuuki ate with her.  Makoto unzipped her lunch box and could hear a few students next to her talking about her.

"Where's...the older lady?" 

"Why is Makoto eating by herself, again?"

"Is that lady not going to be with her, anymore?"

"Aw, I liked the older lady.  She was funny and nice."

"Should we invite Makoto, over, to eat with us?  She looks sad."

"No, she probably wouldn't like sitting by us."

Makoto did her best to block out all of the voices and only focus on eating her lunch which consisted of a jelly sandwich, without peanut butter, due to her peanut allergy, apple slices, some chips and her usual fruit punch drink.  As soon as she put the straw into her juice box, a sick feeling appeared in Makoto's stomach, causing the girl to hunch over.  She couldn't tell what was wrong...the more she thought about Ms. Yuuki's absence...the more...her stomach felt sick...she didn't like the feeling...at all.  This sickness in her stomach made eating more difficult for her and caused her to only eat roughly half of her food which she usually had no problem eating all of.  

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On the other side of the cafeteria, Xander stared at Makoto, who was struggling to eat the food that was in front of her while he sat with his friends.  He pondered why Ms. Yuuki wasn't eating with her and then remembered the crying episode that occurred outside of the classroom...the same one that had gotten him in trouble.  He came to a realization that made him smile.

Hm, maybe, that lady isn't staying as long, anymore...or might not be coming back at all, he thought to himself.  Serves her right.  Hopefully, that lady is helping someone, who actually needs help.  And, that means, no more special treatment for her...and no more protection.  

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After a lonely and disappointing lunch, Makoto was standing outside for recess, next to the back of the school, watching the other kids play with each other.  Before Ms. Yuuki had arrived, she never really minded just watching rather than joining the other kids.  Plus, she still had her sketchbook to work in but, a part of her had grown relatively fond of kicking the soccer ball with Ms. Yuuki.  Makoto recalled what Ms. Yuuki told her about trying to still get some physical activity during recess in despite her not being there.  The last thing that Makoto wanted was to disappoint Ms. Yuuki in anyway so she placed her sketchbook, gently, on the grass, next to her, and made her way towards the bin with the balls in it...the same one Ms. Yuuki always got the soccer ball from.  The humming she was making got louder and louder as she got closer and closer to the bin and to where the other students were playing.  Still, she kept pushing forward, until arriving at the bin and peeking inside.  The same soccer ball that her and Ms. Yuuki always played with was still in the bin.  She looked left and then right, before picking up the soccer ball and returning to her spot at the back of the school.  Makoto backed up a few feet, placed the soccer ball in front of her and, delicately, kicked the soccer ball.  It rolled, bounced off the back of the school and rolled back to her.  She repeated this action a couple more times.  It didn't feel the same as kicking it back and forth with Ms. Yuuki but she felt a small bit of pride in herself for going outside of her comfort zone and still trying to get some physical activity in during recess, before working on her sketchbook.  

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Huh, the lady isn't with her at recess, either, observed Xander, watching Makoto play with a soccer ball by herself, in the corner of his eyes, while he was busy playing tag with his friends.  I doubt she's coming back, today.  I'm getting kind of bored playing tag...that's all my friends and I ever play.  Hm.  

"Hey guys, do you wanna play a game of soccer?" asked Xander.  

His friends stopped their running and gave him their full attention.

"Hm, that could be fun," one of his friends said.  "Plus, I think we have enough kids to have a game.  Oh, but...both of the soccer balls are being used, I think."

"Yeah, but check that out," Xander directed, pointing at Makoto, playing with the soccer ball by herself.  "Usually, she's playing with that older lady but she's not here, today.  She's just being a ball hog.  She's not even playing a game or anything with it.  It's not fair that she gets the soccer ball all to herself when we want to use the ball to play an actual game."

Most of Xander's friends seemed to agree with what he was saying except for one, who said, "I-I don't know.  Isn't it...kind of mean to just take the ball from her?  I-I don't want to make her cry.  She likes to cry a lot."

Xander did his best to ignore his annoyance at his friend's reluctance.

"How about this?  We can ask her to join our game and play with us...or even ask if she wants to be referee."

"That...should work," the doubtful friend said, seeming to be convinced, now.

"Okay, just let me handle getting the ball from her," Xander offered, smiling.  

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I wonder what Ms. Yuuki is doing, right now? thought Makoto to herself, sadly.  I wonder if she misses me?  I...really miss her.  Why can't she just stay the whole day?  What if...she ends up...not coming to the school at all, one day?

The last thought made Makoto hesitate and the soccer ball hit her foot since she didn't kick it.  A part of her felt like crying but she was already having a tough enough time.  She didn't want to draw the attention of the other kids, who were having fun and ruin their fun times.

Just a little bit more time playing with the soccer ball and then I can work in my sketchbook, Makoto told herself, trying to refocus on what she was doing. 

"Hey, Makoto," a voice called out to her, startling her, slightly.  

Makoto turned around and the kid, who sat in front of her in class, Xander, was standing in front of her, alongside his friends.  Despite feeling a bit overwhelmed by how many kids were standing right next to her, she realized Ms. Yuuki would want her to return the greeting.

Makoto swallowed, hard, and forced herself to say, "H-Hey...X-Xander." 

"We wanted to play a game of soccer and were wondering if we could use your soccer ball?" Xander asked, taking Makoto off guard.  "You can play with us if you want or...be the referee?"

Makoto picked up the soccer ball that was next to her foot and hugged it close to her body, not wanting to give it away.

I don't want to play a game with them.  I...I'm not good at running and I...might get hurt.  I don't want to get hurt.  They...they might make fun of me too because I'm not very good.  Then...I might cry which will only make things worse.  And...and...I can't give them the ball...I haven't been playing with it long enough.  I...I need to play with it for a couple more minutes or...or...Ms. Yuuki might be disappointed in me.  But...I don't want them to hate me.  I...I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do.  I...I...I wish Ms. Yuuki was here.  She would tell me what to do.

Makoto could feel the heart beat in her chest faster, the more of these thoughts entered her head and it only made her feel worse when she realized that Xander and his friends were getting impatient with her.  Luckily, Makoto took a deep breath and remembered what Ms. Yuuki would always tell her about using her words to express how she felt.  She had to be strong...even though, it scared her.  It's what Ms. Yuuki would want.

"I-I need...the ball...for a little bit longer...then y-you can have it," Makoto said, nervously.  

"Aw, come on!" yelled Xander, angrily.  "We won't have enough time to even play if we wait for you!  You've had it long enough!  Just give it to us!"

Makoto felt her body begin to tremble in fear of being yelled at and could feel tears about to burst out of her eyes but...but...she did her best to stand her ground.

"I...just...need...it for...a little longer."

Xander turned to check if the teachers that were on recess duty were paying attention.  

After making sure that they weren't, he turned to face Makoto and stated, "This is taking too long."

Xander attempted to rip the soccer ball out of Makoto's hands but she fought against this, still holding, firmly, onto the ball and shaking her head, no, rapidly.  Unfortunately, because Makoto wasn't very strong, Xander was able to take the ball from her and, once he did so, he shoved her onto the grass.  Makoto, instantly, curled up into a ball, her entire body shaking and began sobbing to herself, quietly, trying her best to control the volume so she wouldn't draw too much attention.  

"Xander, that wasn't nice," one of his friends claimed.

"It doesn't matter," returned Xander.  "I got the ball.  Let's hurry and start playing with it.  She's going to start crying because she's a big fat baby.  I don't want to get in trouble.  Do you?"

His friend gritted his teeth, took a final look at Makoto and then Xander and his friends rushed away from her to play with the soccer ball for the remainder of recess, hoping that none of the teachers saw them. 

I...I don't get it, thought Makoto to herself as she sobbed.  I did everything right.  I used my words just like Ms. Yuuki taught me.  It didn't work.  Now, they hate me and that fall really hurt.  The...the worst part is that I can't play with the soccer ball, anymore.  I, barely, even played with it.  Ms. Yuuki is going to be disappointed in me.  Then she's going to hate me.  I...want her to be here.  I want Ms. Yuuki back.  I hate it here without her.

Just like Xander had predicted, Makoto became unable to control the volume of her crying.  Once it was loud enough to draw the attention of the other kids, the two teachers that were on recess duty came to check on her and see what was wrong.

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Xander heard Makoto's cries but ignored them, alongside the rest of his friends, while they kept playing their game of soccer, since they didn't want to waste any time.  Recess was ending soon, after all.  The sound of Makoto crying didn't make Xander feel remorse for his actions in the slightest.

That's what you get, you crybaby, he thought to himself.  My sister...and kids like her are the ones who need extra help...not you.  You aren't special.  You're just...a weirdo...just like my mom said.

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It had been a long day at work.  My body ached worse than it had in a while.  The nausea in my stomach was terrible because of the anxiety of switching schedules and...what Makoto said hadn't been able to leave my mind since she said it.  

I love you, Ms. Yuuki.

I couldn't remember the last time anyone said that to me...other than...my mom...and...in response for saying that...I...I left her.  I slouched against the front door of my apartment and slid down it until I was on my butt.  Without realizing it, tears were rolling down my own cheek, at the thought of this.  

I returned Makoto's kindness...by leaving her.  I'm...I'm so fucking pathetic.  I'm...I'm the worst type of person.  I hate myself!  I hate myself so fucking much!  Why...why does God keep a miserable excuse of a person like me alive?  I...I deserve to die...no...I deserve to die the worst and most painful death imaginable.  For all of the pain I've caused Makoto...for all of the pain I've caused Jacob...for all of the pain I've caused my mom...for all of it!  I can't do anything right!

My thoughts only got more hateful as I began feeling worse and worse about myself, still on the floor, leaning against the front door to my apartment.

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