Chapter 17: Makoto Flashback Chapter 12: You’re Nothing (Vol. 1)

In case it wasn't obvious, I wasn't exactly what I would call..."close" with very many people. Family-wise...friends-wise...I'd mostly pushed all of them away.  I figured the less people I could be a burden to, the better.  It's not like I had much in the way of friends, anyways, and I wasn't super close with any of my family outside of my parents, really, so I wouldn't say this was too difficult to do.  I spent most of the time in my childhood with my mom and dad, without visiting other family members much so I guess you could say I was closest to them.  My dad...was always hard on me...all the way up until he decided to leave, one day.  When he left it felt...weird...as pathetic as it was, I spent so much of my early life, desperately, trying to make him proud of me...not anger him...to make him accept me more...and when he decided to leave, it just felt...like it was all for nothing.  Absolutely...fucking...nothing.  My mom cried so much when my dad left but it took me weeks to muster any tears.  I always thought there was something wrong with me for this.  I think a part of me was...relieved...that I didn't have to worry about impressing someone, who would always find something for me to improve at...that I didn't have to worry about walking on egg shells, trying not to anger him, constantly.  After this, my dad and I just kept growing farther and farther apart until, eventually, we, rarely, talked.  For so many years, the only person that I was close to was my mom and, initially, we got along so well.  Which made sense, considering we were all each other had.  Then, after graduating high school, it all changed.  I got my first job and attempted to start working out.  I began working out, eating better and I tried my very hardest to be a functioning adult.  Although, as I got older, problems began to arise.  I started getting excruciating chronic pain that would only get exponentially worse as the years would go on.  On top of this, my anxiety worsened with the stress that the real world would bring someone, who had, for most of his life, been extremely sheltered from how scary and intimidating the real world could be.  I would lash out and have meltdowns in front of my mom and always get mad at her, for some reason, like it was her fault.  I knew it wasn't and as soon as my meltdowns were over, I'd realize all of the horrible things I had said that I wasn't aware of when I was actually saying them.  This made me hate myself...even more than I already did.  I was mean to the only person that had ever been nothing but nice to me and it frustrated me that I just couldn't stop myself.  Over time, this led to my depression getting much worse and, finally, I decided that I couldn't live with my mom, anymore, for her sake.  I was nothing but a burden on her.  I caused her so much stress whether it was because of my meltdowns, her trying to constantly figure out what was causing me so much pain and a plethora of other reasons.  I ended up getting my own place so she wouldn't have to deal with me...wouldn't have to worry about me, anymore.  I wanted her to begin her own life...so much...I wanted her to be happy, more than anything.  Unlike me, someone as caring and compassionate as her, deserved to have a happy ending...and me being at the house with her prevented this from happening.  I ended up moving into my apartment and began living by myself until I met Jacob.  At first, it was lonely...I didn't really like being by myself...mainly because I despised myself...it was like I had to constantly hang out with the person that I hated the most and it made some days tough to get through.  I still called my mom, every night, to check on her and this did provide me some sanity.  Once I got past the first couple of months, I kind of got used to living by myself.  Unfortunately, my mom couldn't stop herself from worrying about me, even when I wasn't living with her and still was doing everything, she could to cure my pain...my anxiety...my depression.  It made me frustrated to no end but made me realize that, she wouldn't be able to move on...she wouldn't be able to truly be happy, again, unless...I was dead.  So, even to this day, no matter how far away I am from her, I remain nothing more than a burden to her and whether I liked it or not, this wouldn't change until my meaningless and sad excuse for a life was over.

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"Yeah...yeah, the pain is about the same...it hasn't gotten any worse," I said, partially lying, to my mom, who was speaking to me on the other side of the phone.  

My mom was explaining to me that she found out some stuff about how to fix my chronic pain issues and was attempting to convince me try some of them.  

"N-No, I'm good," I responded, sadly.  "I...the pain...doesn't bother me as much, these days.  It's just something I kind of live with.  I'm cool with it not getting better."

This annoyed my mother and she began asking why in the world I would want to give up and let the pain ruin the rest of my life?

"It's not like I have a choice in the matter!" I hollered back, angrily, not realizing I was raising my voice.

Damn it, this happens every time, I thought to myself, remembering how many meltdowns began because of a disagreement on the topic of my pain.  

"I-I'm sorry for raising my voice," I apologized.  "I-I really do appreciate all of the research and stuff you’re doing on your end but...I'm just kind of tired of trying new things, at the moment.  Maybe, after some more time has passed, I'll give some of the things you recommended a try."

Those weren't the words that my mom wanted to hear but they seemed to work better than downright refusing her which was still what I wanted to do.  As my mother continued to speak on the other side of the phone, I felt a vibration on my ear.  I put my cell phone down for a quick second and could see a notification that my work was calling me.

"O-Oh, sorry mom, my work is calling me, right now.  It might be a scheduling thing.  Y-Yeah, we'll talk more about this, tomorrow.  Have a good rest of your night...yeah...love you too.  Bye."

After hanging up on my mom, I immediately answered the call from my work.

"Yes?"

My work began asking whether I noticed any changes in Makoto's behavior during my morning sessions with her at her school?  I thought for a moment.  I had noticed that she seemed a bit more down, these days, but I just figured that was because I wasn't with her as long during the day.  

"Um...she's been...a little sadder...but I'm pretty sure that's just because of the reduction in hours at the school.  Why?"

The next thing that I was told through the phone made my whole body feel ill.  Apparently, Makoto's parents were worried that she was being bullied or mistreated, after I left for the day.  They didn't have any proof, apparently, but my work wanted me to pay very close attention while I was with Makoto in the mornings to see if I noticed anything weird.

"Of...of course, I'll notify you, if I notice any bullying or abuse going on," I said, already trying to rack my brain about kids, who could be, potentially, bullying Makoto.

As soon as I hung up my cell phone, I began to think, deeply, about any potential kids, who may not like Makoto too much.  The only kid she really had any interaction with was that kid that sat in front of her...Xander...sometimes, they had to work, together, in pairs.  I couldn't put it into words but he always seemed a bit...reluctant to work with her.  

Also, that first day of school, when Makoto told me she already introduced herself to him...she seemed a bit...nervous, I recalled.  Could their first interaction, before I arrived, have been a bad one and I just never knew?  Has Xander not liked Makoto this entire time and I've just been too naive to see it?  Hm, either way.  I might ask the teacher if I can talk to him about this.  I won't be mean to him or anything, especially since I don't know if he's the one bullying her.  Hell, I might even be able to convince him to protect Makoto from the bullies, if he isn't the one being mean to her.  Yeah, that's probably the best course of action.

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"Xander, would you mind stepping into the hallway, real quick, with Ms. Yuuki?" asked Ms. Williams. 

Xander looked up from his desk in surprise.

Huh? he thought to himself, confused.  Why do I have to talk with her...she's not even the teacher?  Is she going to yell at me for being mean to Makoto?  How did she find out?  She's not here when I'm mean to her.  Plus, it's that stupid girl's fault.  This is so stupid.

Xander got up from his seat, shooting Makoto a mean stare while he did so.  She noticed the look of malice in his eyes while she was working in her sketchbook.  Xander headed towards Ms. Yuuki, who was standing at the door of the classroom.  The two headed outside of the classroom and, as the door shut behind them, Makoto tilted her head in confusion and then returned to working in her sketchbook.

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This is so weird and annoying, complained Xander to himself.  

"Sorry about dragging you out of class like that," started Ms. Yuuki in a polite tone.

She doesn't sound mad.  Maybe, she doesn't know?

"This won't last long and you aren't in trouble or anything like that."  

Good.  Hurry up.  

Xander, more than anything, wanted to return to class.  Being outside of the classroom with Ms. Yuuki made him feel uncomfortable.  He didn't know how to explain it but, he had always thought something was wrong with Ms. Yuuki, ever since he met her.  Something about her just felt off to him...the smile she had on her face seemed forced, most of the time...she would fidget a lot and have to switch between standing and sitting...and, to be honest, Xander just found her plain weird...in the same way Makoto was to him.  She was an adult, though.  He knew being mean to her would just get him in trouble so he tolerated her weirdness more than Makoto's.  

"You...sit pretty close to Makoto and her parents are worried that some kids are being kind of mean to her, after I leave for the day," Ms. Yuuki said, her smile disappearing.  "I'm not blaming you, by any means.  I was just wondering if you've noticed any of the kids treating her strangely at lunch, recess or in the latter part of the day when I'm not here?"

"No...I have not," Xander responded.

Ms. Yuuki stared at him, doubtfully, and she bit her lip.  

"Xander...as you can tell, Makoto is a little different than you and the rest of the kids," Ms. Yuuki explained.  

She's not different, she's just weird.

"I can see how some of the things she does may...impact you and your ability to learn.  It's not her fault, though.  It's just...who she is.  I...really want you to be honest with me, Xander.  I won't be mad.  Are you the one, who's been being mean to Makoto?"

Xander gulped at the question and the seriousness in Ms. Yuuki's eyes.  It was like they were staring into his brain, trying to read his mind.  

If I lie, things will just be worse for me, thought Xander to himself.  I don't have to tell the whole truth, though.

"Sometimes...I get...annoyed by some of the things she does and I get mad at her," admitted Xander.  "I've probably said a couple of hurtful things and...I...feel bad about that.  But, I never physically hurt her or anything."

Xander knew, in his heart, that his last statement was a lie, since he pushed Makoto to the ground to obtain the soccer ball from her during recess, that one time, but figured Ms. Yuuki wouldn't ever figure out that happened.  Ms. Yuuki sighed and, at first, Xander thought the woman was going to snap at him but, instead, her smile returned...the same smile that Xander hated.

"That...couldn't have been easy for you to admit.  That took some maturity on your part.  I really appreciate that.  But...that last part you said...I'm...not sure I agree with it."

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"H-Huh?" asked Xander out loud, instead of his head, for once.

"I believe the phrase that everyone tosses around is...'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'...I can't say I'm the biggest fan of that saying.  Listen, Xander.  Words can hurt...they can hurt so...so much...just as badly as anything physical...or, sometimes, even worse.  Words are the things that stick with people as they grow older.  They can completely change someone's own view of themselves...for the worse.  It can ruin their lives...convince people that all of the nasty things that were said about them were true.  At that point, apologies won't fix the pain...there aren't many things that can.  I just...don't want you to have regrets when you're older.  You seem like a really good kid."

What is this weird woman talking about?  I don't care.  I just want to go back to class.

"Do you think, from this point forward, you can try to be a little more patient with Makoto?  I think if you give her a chance, you'll learn that she's pretty incredible.  And...maybe, if you don't mind, you can keep an eye out for other kids being mean to her when I'm not around?"

No way would I do any of that but she actually believed that story.  Stupid woman.  I'm happy she's just as stupid as Makoto is.  Most adults are smart like my mom but this woman...she's dumb.  

"I know Makoto really struggles in the afternoons when I'm not here and I think...having someone around to look after her, who's her age...would be really good for her."

"Y-Yeah, I'll try," lied Xander, forcing a smile of his own.

"Alright, I'm all done, Xander.  Thanks for talking to me."

Xander headed towards the door to the classroom but, before his hand could reach the door knob, Ms. Yuuki called out his name, one last time.  Xander craned his neck behind him and the serious look had returned to Ms. Yuuki's face.  

"Xander, I won't lie to you.  I'm not the biggest fan of bullying...not at all.  I am going to talk to Ms. Williams about this and she'll be keeping a closer eye on you in class.  If you're caught being mean to Makoto, again, there's going to be consequences.  I just wanted to give you a heads up, that's all."

What?  She's going to tell Ms. Williams...but...but why?  I thought she would keep this between us...dang it...she's...she's the worst.  Ms. Williams already hates me and now, she's just going to be harder on me...all because of this stupid helper...all because of...because of...Makoto.  

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Ever since what had happened with Xander during recess, Makoto had stopped trying to play with the soccer ball, out of fear, and, instead, chose to sit by the wall, behind the school, and work in her sketchbook, quietly, trying to draw as little attention to herself as possible.  She knew that Ms. Yuuki would be disappointed in her if she saw her do this but she didn't want to experience Xander's fury...or anyone's fury, for that matter, ever again.  It terrified her.  Makoto had wondered what Ms. Yuuki talked to Xander about in the hallway since they were outside of the classroom for a little bit but she was too shy to ask her about it.  Makoto did notice Xander seemed a tad angrier at her than usual, after the conversation, and that the teacher seemed to be spending a lot more of class time being closer to Makoto's row of seats.

"Hey," a voice said, causing Makoto to look up from her sketchbook.  

It was Xander, standing alongside the same group of friends that he usually played with during recess.  Makoto felt nervous and scooted even closer to the wall behind her until her back was completely against it.  She began her humming, quietly, and decided to look back down at her sketchbook and ignore Xander. 

"Hey, I'm talking to you, weirdo," Xander insulted, angrily.  

"Maybe, we should just leave her alone?" suggested Xander's friend, who was the same one that tried to convince the group not to mess with her during their first encounter.  "She's not hurting, anybody."

"Just be quiet if you aren't going to help," responded Xander, not taking his eyes off of Makoto.  

"What is she drawing, anyways?" questioned one of Xander's other friends.

"That's a good question," acknowledged Xander.  "She's always drawing in that thing during her stupid breaks that the normal kids don't get.  Hey, Makoto, show us what you're drawing."

Makoto gripped her sketchbook, tighter, and even hovered over it a bit, not wanting Xander and his friends to see what she was working on.  She chose to continue to ignore Xander which only angered him more.

"Stop ignoring me.  Let me see it."

Xander, without asking, grabbed the sketchbook but Makoto's grip tightened, even further, and she tried her best to hold onto it.  Xander pinched Makoto's left forearm with as much force as he possibly could, causing Makoto's grasp on the sketchbook to immediately lighten, resulting in Xander obtaining it.  Makoto held the spot on her forearm that was pinched and her humming was much louder, now.  Xander ignored the humming noise and showed the rest of his friends what she was working on.

"What even is this?" asked Xander in disgust.  

He couldn't make any sense of what he was looking at.  He noticed that one of the characters had a cape which led him to believe it had to do with superheroes.

"I think it's...a comic book...but look how bad the drawings are," mocked another one of Xander's friends.

"Yeah, I know.  I thought you would be better at drawing since you do so much," added Xander as Makoto got up off of the grass so that she was now standing.  

She already had tears on her face and attempted to take her sketchbook back from Xander but he pinched another spot on the same forearm to force her to stop.  

"This is so bad.  Who would even want to read a comic book drawn this badly?  It's so terrible.  I bet you show that older lady this, don't you?  What, does she tell you it's good?  She's lying to you.  She probably thinks it’s bad too but just doesn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Ms. Yuuki likes it," defended Makoto, more tears running down her face.  "Ms. Yuuki...wouldn't...lie to me."

"You know, the reason she's not here during lunch and recess is probably because she's getting tired of you.  Who wouldn't?  She probably hates spending time with you.  The best part of her day is when she leaves and doesn't have to look at your annoying face. Pretty soon, Ms. Yuuki will stop coming at all."

Makoto hated what she was hearing since she always feared that very thing...not seeing Ms. Yuuki, anymore...the thought of that made her feel...like her heart was broken...and she hated it.  

"Whoa, look at her arm," commented one of Xander's friends.  

The two spots where Xander had pinched Makoto on her pale white arms were now dark purple. Xander, lazily, tossed Makoto's sketchbook behind him and went to get a closer look at her arms, alongside his friends, while Makoto's sketchbook landed, roughly, on the grass.

"It made that color when you pinched her arm...that's so cool," said one of Xander's friends.  "I wonder how fast it changes color?"

Without hesitation, Xander's friend pinched Makoto's left forearm in a spot that wasn't bruised, causing Makoto to rip her arm away, immediately.  Xander pinched a spot on the right forearm while Makoto was busy protecting the other one.  Xander and all of his friends, but one, repeated this several times on Makoto's forearms, causing more and more bruises to show up.  Eventually, Makoto couldn't take it, anymore, and fell to her knees, and began to sob, quietly, to herself.  

"Uh oh, a teacher's seen us," observed the friend, who hadn't done anything to Makoto.  "I told you guys this was a bad idea."

Xander's friends, immediately, ran away while one of the teachers on recess duty hollered, "Hey!"

Xander, realizing that he was already in trouble and that running away wouldn't do anything just stared down at Makoto.  Her hands were now on the grass under his feet and he remembered what Ms. Yuuki had told him.

Words can hurt...they can hurt so...so much...just as badly as anything physical...or sometimes, even worse.

Xander chuckled to himself, lifted his right foot up and began, painfully, digging it into Makoto's right hand, causing her to make a noise that sounded like a loud hum mixed with a scream.  

"Nobody likes you.  The teachers.  The kids.  Ms. Yuuki.  Probably, even your parents.  You make everyone's life worse.  You take away help kids like my sister actually need.  You constantly get me in trouble and get treated like you're special.  You aren't special.  You're nothing."

"Xander, what are you doing?" hollered one of the teachers on recess duty, who had finally reached him and Makoto.  "That's enough!"

Xander stopped digging his shoe into Makoto's hand but, even though the psychical pain had stopped, the words that Xander had just said to Makoto wouldn't stop circling in her head as her crying got, significantly, louder, drawing the attention of the other kids, who were playing.

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