Chapter 18: Makoto Flashback Chapter 13: Burden (Vol. 1)

"I'd like to know what you're going to do about this?" asked Minerva, angrily, getting annoyed at the principal of the school, who was sitting at his desk in front of her, her husband, Makoto, Xander and his mother.

Minerva then held Makoto's forearms in front of the principal, showing all of the dark purple bruises on her forearm, causing Makoto to begin humming in embarrassment. 

"First, I'd like to say that we do have a very strict policy on bullying here at this school," explained the principal, nervously.

"How do we know it's bullying, though?" asked Xander's mother which only angered Minerva, further.

"What the hell did you say?" 

"Please, Mrs. Lee, you can't be using that kind of language here at the school and in front of children, none-the-less," criticized the principal. 

Andy put a hand on Minerva's shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, knowing his wife's dangerous temper. 

"The fact that she would cuss in front of her own child like that shows what kind of mother she is," claimed Xander's mother, smiling. 

"Instead of judging our parenting methods, how about we stay on topic?" asked Andy, trying to prevent the situation from escalating. 

"Right, as I was saying, how do we know my son was the one responsible for the bruising?  Did anyone actually see him do it?” questioned Xander's mother, smugly.

"W-Well, the teachers, who were on recess duty, mentioned that they saw your son and a group of his friends standing over Makoto while she was crying at recess," mentioned the principal.

"That doesn't mean my son was the one responsible for the bruising on her arms.  It could have been any of his friends...he might have just been caught in the crossfire."

"A-After speaking with Xander's friends, all of them said that messing with Makoto was his idea."

The principal explaining this made Xander frown at the realization that his friends had thrown him under the bus like this but remained silent because he didn't want to make anything worse. 

"Key word being 'messing with'...they could have just been making fun of her...which isn't right but is completely different than physically harming her. Plus, his friends are kids just like him...kids lie all of the time without any issue at all.  Actually, now that I think about it, how do any of us know that the bruising isn't from the parents, themselves?  The mother has already demonstrated that she has quite the nasty temper...how do we know she doesn't take it out on her daughter, occasionally?  It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest, to be honest.  I've seen women like her before and—"

Andy noticed in the corner of his eye that Minerva was pulling her fist back, readying to throw a punch at the woman, who was making the accusations towards her. 

"Mine, you have to calm down," Andy whispered.  "I know the things that she's saying are horrible but punching her will only make things worse.  She's just trying to get under your skin."

"Er...but this bitch—"

"Language Mrs. Lee," interrupted the principal, this time, sternly.  "This is your final warning or you are going to be asked to leave."

Minerva muttered something to herself, quietly, so that only Andy could hear her.

He was nearly certain that she said, "This is so fucking stupid," which he couldn't disagree with. 

It was obvious to him that Xander was the one responsible for Makoto's injuries and that his mother was just trying to shift blame.  He knew what a bully looked like...and just one glance at Xander and his demeanor proved to him that he was one.  But, without proof, what could he say?  He didn't want to make things worse for Makoto.  He recalled that when his own parents would try to get involved with him getting bullied, it just made the situation worse for him.  He didn't want to make the same mistake with Makoto, no matter how much it hurt him that she was getting bullied.  This is why he hated schools, even as an adult.

"Without actual proof, I can't suspend Xander or punish him in anyway," the principal said.  "The best I can do is talk to their teacher and the teachers on recess duty and tell them to pay closer attention to Xander."

"But, the damage is already done.  What good does that do for the pain Makoto's already experienced?" asked Andy, this time feeling himself getting annoyed by the principal's incompetence. "Bullying is awful...one of the worst things a kid can go through and...I know Makoto is...different...but that's no excuse for kids to treat her this way."

"Different?" scoffed Xander's mother, scowling.  "My son tells me that your daughter has an aide that helps her during school, is that correct?"

"Yes, Ms. Yuuki, she's been working with our daughter for a while both at our home and at the school," answered Andy.  "What does that have to do with anything?"

"It just...makes me sick is all.  Just because your daughter is a little different...she gets to have an aide and receives special treatment...all kids are a little different...but none of them have aides.  There are kids...like my own daughter, who actually have disorders that warrant having an aide...when she's old enough for school, I fear she won't be able to have an aide because too many of them will be working with kids that are...'a little different'...like your daughter."

"How about I disable your fucking jaw with my fist, you condescending bitch!" yelled Minerva, no longer able to control herself.

"This meeting is now, officially, over.  I will do everything that I've already said I will do and until more evidence is provided, Xander will not be punished but just watched more, carefully.  If the bullying continues and is caught by one of the teachers, then he will be dealt with, accordingly.  Good day."

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Principal was a real dick head, thought Minerva to herself.  He doesn't give a shit about Makoto...proof...how much proof does he fucking need?  I wonder if shoving my foot up his ass would be sufficient proof for a fucking troglodyte like him?

"At least, we got out of that without you killing that boy's mother," said Andy, sighing. 

Makoto glanced up at her parents while holding Andy's hand. 

"I-I'm sorry," she apologized, sadly. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart," explained Andy.  "I'm sorry that we couldn't do anything about what happened to your forearms.  Starting tomorrow, we'll pick out some longer sleeve shirts for you to wear so nobody will be able to see the bruises.  If other kids saw the bruising, it would only draw more attention to you and I know you don't want that, right?"

Makoto shook her head, no, agreeing with her father. 

"Don't worry, hopefully, the bruises will heal up, quickly.  And, from what the principal said, teachers are going to be paying very close attention to Xander so if he does anything to you again, he'll be caught.  That should encourage him not to mess with you, anymore."

Yeah, but what are the odds of that, huh? asked Minerva inside of her head.  You know, better than anyone, how little that's going to do for her, Andy.  But...I guess telling Makoto that...would just make her feel worse.  I feel like nobody truly cares for Makoto except for us and...and...Ms. Yuuki.  That's it.  If Ms. Yuuki found out what happened, today, I know she'll do everything she can to make sure Makoto is protected.  I'll call her work when we get home.

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There's a lot of things that make my pain and anxiety symptoms worse...eating shit food...pushing myself too hard when exercising...pushing myself too hard at work...typing to much...reading too much...sitting too much...standing too much...the list goes on...and fucking on...and fucking on.  However, there is one thing that hurts me more than anything both physically and emotionally.  When most people think of porn, they think that only guys watch that fucking garbage...but they're wrong...women watch it too...especially, lonely and pathetic women like myself.  Even before meeting Jacob, I would find myself divulging in this lovely pastime...never too often...it wasn't like I was an addict...hell, I would only watch the shit, once in a while.  That's all it took, though.  Most people, after watching porn, have a tendency to have some sort of post nut depression or sudden appearance of guilty and regretful feelings...me, on the other hand, I tend to take it to the extreme. 

Blech...huff...huff...huff...Blech!

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As I hovered over my toilet, vomit still dripping out of my mouth from throwing up, my bloodied left forearm dangled at my side.  It was covered in pick marks that were so deep that they were bleeding. My right index finger and thumb were covered in dried blood and pieces of my skin were stuck in my nails since they were the ones responsible for doing the picking.  My pain was excruciating...my entire spine ached...I had a massive headache...the shooting pain in both of my feet was damn near unbearable and my throat hurt from all of the puking.  My mind was full of depressing and hurtful thoughts and it wouldn't stop...my mind...wouldn't slow the fuck down...or shut the fuck up.

How could you masturbate to something like that, you piece of shit?  Why can't you just get off on normal shit like a normal person?  Oh, that's right.  You aren't normal.  You're fucked.  Completely fucked.  God, I hate myself.  Why can't I just be normal...why can't one...fucking thing about myself be normal?  Damn it.  Damn it.  Damn it.  Damn it.  I should have just asked Jacob to come over but no, I chose this bullshit, instead...then again, he deserves better than me.  That's why I didn't ask him over.  I don't get it.  Why...why doesn't the pain just kill me?  Why don't I just drop dead?  Why does God let a worthless...fuckwit like myself live?  I should just die. Die. Die. Die. Die.  

Ring! Ring! Ring!

My cell phone rang in the distance and despite all of the racing thoughts in my head, I decided that I was finished puking and headed over to where the phone was, not caring that my index finger, thumb and left forearm were still bloodied.  I didn't even know if I was done puking but missing a call from what was most likely my work would only make my life more difficult.  Luckily, I was able to get to my phone, before it was sent to voice mail, and I answered it.

"H-Hello?" I asked, trying to sound as normal as I could, given the situation. 

The thoughts slowed down as what my boss was telling me became clearer and clearer, until their words were the only things that I could focus on.  Apparently, Makoto's mother had just called and informed my work that the bullying wasn't getting any better...in fact, it was getting worse, after my talk with Xander.  They just had a meeting with the principal, talking about Makoto's arms, both of which had been covered with bruises.  My work asked me if I remembered any bruising on her arms while I was still with her?

"No...no bruising...it must have...happened...after I left," I answered, bitterly.

Of course, it happened after I left.  Nobody would try to pull that shit while I was there to protect her...like I should be.  Fucking kids...kids...I forgot how they could be such assholes.

My boss, on the other side of the phone, mentioned that, according to Makoto's mother, the principal wasn't going to do much except for having the teachers at recess pay attention to her more. Ultimately, my work wanted to know if there was anything that I could do to help, on my end?

"Y-Yeah, I'll see what I can do on my end but...I'm worried...that it won't fix the problem, completely," I responded, honestly.  "Is there any way I can change my hours at the school to where I can leave after recess?  I don't care if I have to work extra for it.  Besides, that would still leave me enough time for getting to my next client's house.  I know I can't stay with Makoto for the whole day but—"

My boss told me that they would try to do everything they could on their end to make this happen but the best that they could do is extend my time at the school until the end of recess.  My boss then wanted to know if I was certain about this, especially because of my pain issues?

"It's fine...I can handle it...don't worry about the pain.  I got that under control.  Just, please, see if you can adjust my schedule at the school.  I'm begging you."

My boss emphasized they would do everything on their end as quickly as they could.

"Thank you...I appreciate it," I said, feeling sick to my stomach, again, making me realize I needed to end the conversation, as soon as possible.  "I'll...talk to you later.  Yep.  Bye."

I looked at my bloodied forearm in disgust and thought to myself, Makoto's forearms...look just as bad as mine...and...it's all my fault...because I wasn't there to protect her.  This is all my fault. 

I fell to my knees and began crying.  I slammed my right fist into the hard floor and it made a loud, Crack, sound.  I repeated this action several more times in frustration.  Eventually, I stopped, my entire right hand hurting just as bad as the rest of my body.  As I continued to bawl my eyes out, I realized how lonely I truly was in this moment...how helpless I felt...how much self-hatred I had boiling inside of me...I...I just wanted it to end...so badly.

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"That was a lot of trouble you caused me...I had to leave Madi at the house and stop my work, to attend that meeting," said Xander's mom as the two of them ate their dinner at the dining room table while his sister was fast asleep in her room.  "Not only that, I had to deal with those idiotic parents...especially that mother...the mouth on that woman...it was foul...disgraceful and downright embarrassing.  I almost felt bad for the spineless husband."

"Am I grounded?" asked Xander, bluntly, expecting his mom to punish him for what he was caught doing to Makoto.

"Hm, no, I'll actually let it slide this time," answered his mother, surprising Xander.

"R-Really, but..."

"I understand why you were picking on that girl...that isn't the issue...the issue is that you got caught.  When you get caught, it doesn't just reflect poorly on you, got it?  It reflects poorly on me, as your mother, and...even your sister.  Listen to me, closely, Xander.  I have no issue with how you're treating that weird girl...hell, she deserves it, in my opinion, for taking the time of aides, teachers and others when she's not even worthy of all that damn attention.  Who knows; maybe, over time, she'll realize, herself, that she isn't special and doesn't deserve the extra help?  All we can do is hope.  But, I don't want you getting caught, again, got it?  Be as mean to her as you want...just...don't...get...caught.  If you do, you'll be punished."

"I-I don't want to get in trouble, again," admitted Xander.  "Maybe...I'll just stop being mean to her."

"So, you're going to let her win then?" questioned his mother, in an antagonizing tone.  "After she got you in trouble...made you look like a pathetic bully...and all while continuing to pretend like she's more special than your sister.  For once, I was actually proud of you...giving up like this...should have expected as much from my weak son."

"W-Wait, I don't want to let her win," said Xander, not wanting to hear that his mother was disappointed in him.

"If that's the case, then don't give up and for God's sake, don't let that weird little girl win. Remind her that she's beneath you...beneath me...beneath your sister...beneath this entire family."

For the remainder of dinner, the two sat in silence as Xander thought over what his mother told him. A part of him was still afraid of getting in trouble, again, and an even smaller part of him...an extremely small part...wondered if what he was doing was wrong?  He then discarded this self-doubt, realizing that his mother wouldn't be allowing him to do it, if it was the wrong thing to do.  In fact, his mother said she was proud of Xander for what he did to Makoto.  His mother...was never proud of him...she always treated him and his sister like they were embarrassments and mistakes.  Whether he realized it or not, her acceptance...was the thing he craved the most...and was enough motivation for him to not only resume his bullying of Makoto but to double down on it. 

I'm not going to let you win, Makoto, Xander thought to himself, determined.

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The arms that were hugging me and embracing me were warm...and so comfortable.  It made me feel safe and I could feel the anxiety, self-hatred and all of the other negative feelings, slowly, leave my body.  My face was buried into Jacob's blue dress shirt that he was wearing.  If my mind was in the right place, I would have felt bad that such a nice shirt was being ruined by my tears.  I could feel Jacob kissing the top of head and resting his cheek against it. 

"Even though I'm happy you called me, I wish it was a little earlier," Jacob said, softly.  "That way...your hand wouldn't be so bruised and your forearm wouldn't be so bloody.  Hell, you might have even shed less tears too.  Still, the fact that you called me...is improvement.  I'm proud of you for that."

"Don't say that," I said, my face still buried.  "That you're proud of me...someone as worthless as me...doesn't deserve it.  I'm nothing...but a burden.  I was a burden on my mom.  I'm a burden to you...and...I'm a failure to Makoto.  I can't do anything right."

Jacob sighed.

"A burden, huh?  You always call yourself that, Mayumi.  I think you forget that all of your problems...the pain...the depression...the anxiety...none of it is your fault.  It's not like you chose to suffer from those things.  You always focus on the negatives about yourself but...never the best things about yourself.  So, I'll tell you some.  One, you're pretty and in great shape because, despite the pain, you still push through your workouts.  Two, you're so skilled at everything you do...your job...the writing...the cooking...all of it.  Three, despite the depression and anxiety you feel, daily, you get out of bed to start the day, no matter how much you really don't want to.  Four, you're so passionate about the things you love...you can talk to me about anime, manga, comics or anything else you love in such detail...it's adorable the way your face lights up when you do it.  Five, the kids you work with...they all love you...Makoto included.  I don't think you could ever be a disappointment in their eyes.  The impact you have in their lives is so large, you have no idea.  And six...you aren't too bad in the sack."

"Okay, dumb ass, I get it," I said, accidentally letting a laugh out at Jacob's last statement.  "T-Thank you.  Even though, I don't agree with many of the things you said...hearing them is still...nice.  It made me feel a little better, I guess."

"You always try to tackle everything by yourself, Mayumi, like you're alone but...you aren't...or, at least, I don't want you to be.  Whenever you have a bad thought about yourself, I want to be there to tell you all of the things that I love about you.  I...know...that's not what you want, right now.  I hope...I really hope that one day it is and...until that day comes, I'll be waiting.  I'll always be there for you, no matter how much you try to push me away...no matter how much you hate me for it."

Of course, I want those things, I thought to myself, sadly.  I want them more than anything...it's just...just...someone like me...doesn't deserve them.  I'll never be a suitable partner for someone whether it's because of my physical problems or my mental ones.  I'm sorry, Jacob.  I really do hope that one day you find someone else to love.  Someone so much better and worthy of your kindness than me.

"So, now that you're feeling better, should we rinse off the blood that's still on your forearm?" asked Jacob, snapping me out of my thoughts.  "Maybe, we can put some cream on it too so it'll heal faster."

I shook my head, no, and responded, "I-I just want to stay like this for a little longer.  Is that okay?"

"Haha, yeah, we don't have to move until you're ready and, to be honest, I don't mind being in this position for a little longer."

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