Chapter 31: Makoto Flashback Chapter 23: Breaking Point (Vol. 2)

"You look like hell, Mayumi? Are you taking care of yourself, these days?" asked Jacob, taking notice of how absolutely terrible that I looked.

I had dark bags under my eyes from a complete lack of sleep since I had spent so many nights, where I couldn't force myself to fall asleep because of how worried I was about various things, whether it was finding a new job, being able to pay for my bills, and the fact that my pain seemed to be getting worse by the day, just to name a few. In an attempt to lower my grocery bill, I decreased my daily food intake, which was already well below what I should have been eating, to half of that, resulting in my face looking even more bony, and, even though Jacob couldn't see it himself, my body looking more malnourished than it ever had been. I could feel my left arm and the lower part of my stomach burning just from the clothing that was touching those areas and this was thanks to the near nonstop picking, ever since I had been fired from my job. I stared at the salad that was sitting in front of me, silently, not even having heard Jacob's comment about my appearance. 

"I...thought you hated salad?" Jacob stated, remembering how it was the one healthy food that I usually refused to eat. 

I, slowly, looked up at him with my emotionless eyes and responded, "It was the cheapest thing on the menu." 

This answer only caused Jacob to sigh, sadly. 

"Mayumi, you already barely ate any food, before...if cost is an issue because of what happened with your job, I wouldn't mind paying for both of our meals."

To most normal people, Jacob's offer would have been considered extremely nice and considerate but, to a piece of shit like me, all it did was make me see red. 

"Are you...saying that I'm so fucking pathetic...that I can't even pay for my own dinners?" I questioned, bitterly. "I...can barely pay for a fucking thing, at the moment. My body's been in so much damn pain, lately, that I can't even force myself to do chores around my apartment. Add that to the fact that I can't even cook big meals, anymore, find a new job that would tolerate my broken ass...hell, I have to take so many breaks while I'm doing my workouts that I've grown to hate, that I question why I even fucking do them? S-So now, you want to pay for my dinner...which is one of the very few mother fucking things I can actually do? G-Go fuck yourself, Jacob." 

As usual, Jacob didn't seem hurt or bothered by my insult which only proved to me how used to this kind of behavior from me he was. That didn't make me feel any better about myself, though.  No one...should have to get used to someone treating them badly. This relationship between the two of us...it had always been toxic. Jacob would always treat me with nothing but kindness...he was, arguably, the only person, who was nice to me. Whenever I needed him, he would always be right there to help me and he never complained or judged me. Not once. And this is his fucking reward, having to deal with my bullshit. This was the exact reason why being in a relationship wasn't something that a broken waste of fucking space like myself deserved to have. I knew, deep in my heart, that Jacob would never leave me so...it was up to me, to end things. In the past, I was always too afraid to end our relationship, completely. I had already burned so many bridges...with my family...with my old friends...the only person that I talked to was my mom. My mom and Jacob...those were the only two people people in my life that I could ever talk to and that I hadn't pushed away, yet. A selfless person would have, without hesitation, so they wouldn't have to be burdened with me. I swallowed, hard, preparing myself for what I wanted to say to Jacob next which was something that I should have told him, a long time ago.

"I-I can't fucking do this, anymore," I claimed, no longer looking at Jacob, breaking eye-contact with him. "W-Whatever the fuck...this is between us. I-I just can't."

I pushed my chair back and got up from my seat as Jacob attempted to stop me, "M-Mayumi, wait, you don't have to leave. I didn't meant to insult your or anything. I was just worried about you and—"

"How about you worry about your fucking self, for once?!" I yelled, getting looks from everyone else that was sitting in the restaurant. "I don't fucking need you! I'm not a child! I can take care of myself! I don't need anybody else in my life, especially...someone like you. J-Just leave me the fuck alone and never text me...or call me, ever again. Incase I'm not getting through to that thick fucking skull of yours, Jacob, I'm breaking up with you! Haha, that's assuming we could call our relationship dating...we're just fuck buddies, right? That's all this has ever been. D-Did you think I actually ever gave a shit about you? I just used your stupid ass for sex...you were the only dumb ass that would actually sleep with me...I don't know what the fuck you think was going to end up happening between the two of us. We were going to get married and live happily ever fucking after? I got really bad news for you, Jacob. Life isn't a fucking fairy tale. It's the furthest thing from one. Just find another girl to fucking annoy. This is finished."

With that, I spun around, before Jacob could even make his case, and headed out of the restaurant, on the verge of tears, leaving one of the few people that truly cared about me, behind.

*

*

*

After making my way towards my bed to go to sleep, early, I saw that my computer was still sitting on it, from when I was applying to jobs, earlier in the day. All of the sudden, thoughts of temptation began to flood my mind which was already a fucking mess. My hand began, shaking, at the mere thought of what I was planning to do. 

"Haha, why the fuck not? It's been a while and, besides, not like I have much of an option, anymore."

*

*

*

The only thing that was more unbearable than the hot water seeping into my open sores on my lower stomach and left forearm were the rapid fire thoughts circling around in my mind so quickly that it was making me feel lightheaded. I was leaning my head against the wall of the shower to prevent myself from falling over. The guilt and shame of what I had just done, just like it always did, was pushing me over the edge and, in conjunction, with all of the other stressful thoughts that I was already wrestling with, it wouldn't have surprised me if my mind just shut down from not being able to keep up with itself. 

I deserve to die. I deserve to die. I deserve to do. Why am I fucking like this? I went a whole month without having to resort to getting off to that bullshit and, again, I've fucking let it get the best of me. How can I be so mentally fucking weak? Damn it! I'm hopeless. Utterly fucking hopeless! Why does God let someone like me live? If I was him, I would have just killed me off, years ago. I don't serve a purpose. I end up hurting everyone around me. I end up hurting myself the most, out of anyone. The one and only fucking thing I was somewhat competent at, which was my job, is gone and I'm never going to be able to go back to it. That just serves me right for thinking that way in the first place. So stupid. So fucking stupid. Because of my incompetence, it wasn't even myself that I failed the most, this time. It was all of the kids that I worked with, especially Makoto. I failed every single fucking one of them just because I couldn't get my mother fucking shit, together! I fucking hate myself so damn much! Every last thing about me...makes me fucking sick to my stomach. My appearance...how physically broken I am...my social ineptitude...my weird hobbies...fucking everything about me is terrible! 

The thoughts weren't slowing down in the slightest and, in addition to my rising heartbeat, I began breathing incredibly fast, without even realizing it. All of the sudden, my thoughts switched to voices, all coming from my past. I hated my past. I hated reliving it even more and, yet, I didn't have a choice but to listen to the voices because it seemed the only thing that hated me more than I did was my own mind. 

Mayumi, why do you even hang out with us? You know that everyone here only hangs out with you because they feel bad for you. I mean, that's why anyone in this school forces themselves to talk to you...it's out of pity. 

"I-I know that," I muttered to myself, almost like I was answering the voice inside of my head. "Y-You don't...think I fucking know that?"

Mayumi, why do you hang out with those girls, if they're just mean to you? Girls like that don't deserve to be your friends.

"I-I just wanted...to be liked...appreciated...by anyone. Even...even if it wasn't real. Pretending like it was...that's all I could fucking do. Why...why couldn't kids just fucking like me? I-I tried so hard to be nice to everyone and all it ever did was make kids hate me more."

Mayumi, just shut the fuck up. You're so damn annoying. 

"I-I'm sorry."

Mayumi, did I say you could sit this close to us?  Scoot down at least two seats and then we'll consider letting you sit there.

"O-Okay, I'm sorry."

You are reading story Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken at novel35.com

Mayumi, stop fucking laughing like that at my joke. You sound genuinely retarded and it makes everyone else uncomfortable.

"I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to."

Without even realizing it, my entire body was trembling, tears were coming out of my eyes and I was, slowly, turning back into the timid little girl that I used to be. The very thing that I spent my whole entire adult life attempting to move away from.

Mayumi, why are you so hard on your father? Sure, he left but he did what he felt was right. Plus, he still tries to take care of you, financially. You should try to make more of an effort to get along with him. 

"W-Why....why am I so hard on him? Because...because I spent so many long, fucking years of my life trying to impress the son of a bitch and what the fuck does he do? He leaves me! I never wanted his mother fucking money! All I wanted was for him not to fucking leave! Why the fuck is that my fault?! It's his! It's his fault!"

At this point, I was screaming at the voices that were inside of my head. The more I screamed in anger, the more tears that came out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks until, eventually, I was bawling like I would when I was younger. I almost sounded like a fucking child. Here I was, a 23-year-old woman, crying like a fucking toddler. Not being able to stand being in the shower, any longer, I turned the knob off and the water stopped coming out of the shower head. I, clumsily, stepped out of the shower, naked, and my eyes still full of tears. Unfortunately, without even meaning to, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror of my bathroom and the sight made me even more furious. 

"I fucking hate you! This is all your fault!"

Crash!

Pieces of my mirror went flying, after I punched it with all of my might and my right hand was now, completely, cut up and bleeding, with a few pieces of glass sticking out of it. I stared at it and began laughing to myself. 

"Hahaha, this pain...isn't any fucking worse than what I deal with on a daily basis. Hahahaha...hahahahaha...ahhhhhhhhhhh!" 

My laughing, eventually, turned into a mixture of screaming and crying. In the corner of my eye, I saw a piece of the glass that had broken off of my mirror and decided to pick it up, gripping it so tightly in the palm of my left hand that I could feel the glass shard digging into it, causing it to bleed as well. I leaned over the bathroom counter and held the glass shard to my throat with the sole intention to slice it and be done with my worthless fucking life that I hated so much. My left hand shook as I was forced to look at the broken mess staring back at me in the cracked mirror. 

*

*

*

Knock! Knock! Knock! 

I had been pacing around the kitchen of my apartment for what felt like an hour, firmly grasping the piece of glass in my left hand, refusing to let go of it. My mind and body both felt exhausted, like they could barely function. I could hardly make out the faint noise of the knocking on my front door. At first, I thought I was just hearing things but then I heard the same exact noise, again, this time louder.

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

I, instinctually, made my way to the front door of my apartment, unlocked it, without even checking who it was and opened the door, knowing in the back of my mind, who would be standing at the front door. My vision, at this point, was just as bad as my hearing, so I could barely make out the individual that was standing in front of me. I felt two hands grab my shoulders and could hear a voice saying something to me but, again, it was hard to make out. After hearing it a couple of times, I was able to vaguely hear the individual calling my name. 

"Mayumi. Mayumi."

I forced myself to look up, recognizing my name being called and saw that the person, who was standing in front of me was Jacob. 

D-Did...I...text Jacob? I thought to myself, struggling to remember any of my actions in the last couple of hours.  I...I don't remember. 

Now, that both my hearing and vision were a little better, I could perfectly make out what Jacob was saying, even though my mind struggled to process it. 

"Hey, it's okay, now. Everything is going to be alright. You did well, calling me. I-I'm happy you did."

Jacob wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tighter than he usually did and I still just stood there, lifelessly. I could feel one of his hands leave my back and make its way towards my left hand that was holding the piece of shattered glass, causing my own hand to grip the glass shard, even harder, drawing more blood. My body must not have wanted him to attempt to take the glass shard away from me. Although, before attempting to take the glass shard, he began, lightly, rubbing the back of my hand with his own. The sensation was therapeutic and I could feel tension, slowly, leave my hand until, finally, it dropped the glass shard onto the floor of my apartment. 

"That's better," said Jacob, softly, still rubbing my hand, after I had dropped the glass shard. "Let's go to the hospital, alright? I'll be with you the entire time so there's nothing to be scared of." 

Jacob didn't get much of a response out of me. I didn't resist the idea, nor did I accept it. I just began humming, quietly, to myself as my whole entire body began to feel overcome by tiredness. I closed my eyes as my mind went completely blank which, after what I had just gone through, was a blessing. 

*

*

*

Both of my eyes shot open, after it felt like I had been asleep for days. The ceiling that I was staring at didn't look familiar and I began to, immediately, panic, not recognizing my environment. On top of that, I felt something resting on the back of my left hand and, even weirder, I could barely feel my right hand. First, I turned to face my right hand and observed that it was completely wrapped in bandages, in addition to the upper forearm.  I attempted to move some of my fingers and felt a sharp pain that made me stop, instantly. Not knowing what else to do, I craned my neck so that I was facing the other way to check what was resting on my other hand, that was bandaged as well.  To my surprise, I learned that it was, in fact, another hand, belonging to Jacob, who had scooted a chair closer to my hospital bed so that he could rest his head next to my body while resting his own hand on mine. It seemed like he was fast asleep, despite the uncomfortable looking sleeping position. The sight alone managed to make me smile, even if it was just for a second. I tried to rack my brain to figure out what had happened last night and details began resurfacing in my mind. I had a particularly bad anxiety meltdown and almost...killed myself with a shard of glass. I had smashed my bathroom mirror with my right hand while gripping a shard of glass, tightly, with my left which explained why both of my hands were so fucked up. Unfortunately, the only detail that I couldn't recall was what caused me not to kill myself? It bothered me but I decided there was no point in dwelling on it. I was alive. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, it was clear that my shitty excuse for a life wasn't meant to be over, quite yet, for reasons that I couldn't even fathom.

You can find story with these keywords: Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken, Read Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken, Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken novel, Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken book, Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken story, Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken full, Birth of The Nightmare: A Story of the Broken Latest Chapter