Chapter 32: Makoto Flashback Chapter 24: Being Strong (Vol. 2)

My body felt so weak and tired as I laid in my hospital bed and a part of me wished I could just go back to sleep, instead of listening to the doctor speaking in front of me, going over what was broken inside of my hand.  I, honestly, just didn't give a shit.  I just wanted to shut my eyes, go back to sleep and, hopefully, never wake up, again.  When I was asleep, I didn't feel any pain, stress, depression or any other bothersome emotions.  It was the only time I was ever at peace.  I couldn't help but wonder, in the back of my mind, what prevented me from just slashing my throat and being done with this annoying piece of shit life I had? I was so close...to ending this damn nightmare that I call living.  But, no, here I was, still alive and still being a burden to someone.   For reasons I couldn't fathom, Jacob was holding my left hand, that was bandaged because of the stitches the cut on it needed, gently, listening to everything that the doctor was explaining, intently.  Jacob hadn't left my side the entire time I was in the hospital, most likely out of fucking pity.  Why else would anyone want to be stuck in the same room as me?  That's the only reason anyone has ever treated me with kindness my entire life...mother fucking pity. Hell, it was probably the only reason he slept with me, to begin with. Pity.  By this point in my life, I was so fucking tired of receiving pity from others.  I never wanted it to begin with.  Why couldn't Jacob just leave me the fuck alone?  Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone and let me die, alone, like I wanted?

"You listening, beautiful?" asked Jacob, turning to face me, after the doctor was finished with his explanation.

Normally, I would have cussed him out but I was too exhausted to even muster that and instead, just sighed, before admitting, "Nope, not even a little bit.  I don't care what I broke. When the hell can I go home?"

"Well, technically, since you've already been here for a little over a day, you can leave at any time, " answered the doctor. 

"Good, then I'm leaving," I said, not even allowing the doctor to speak, any further.  

"Hm, that's fair enough, I suppose," replied the doctor.  "Do you live alone, Ms. Yuuki?" 

"Yes."

"I see.  While that hand of yours heals, I would recommend having someone stay with you—"

"Not happening.  I'll have Jacob drive me home from the hospital and then I'll be fine, by myself, once I'm home.  It's just my right hand. I can get by, just fine."

"Even though your right hand was the one that was broken, don't forget that it will take the cut on your other hand time to heal as well, especially with how many stitches it needed," reminded the doctor.

"I actually agree with the doctor, Mayumi," added Jacob.

"That's funny, I didn't ask for your two cents, dickless," I said, scowling at Jacob.  

Ignoring my petty insult, Jacob took something out of his pocket and, when I got a closer look at it, I was able to see that it was my cell phone.  

"If you don't want me to take care of you, I can always call your mom," offered Jacob.  "I'm sure she'd be over here in a nanosecond."

"Don't you fucking dare!" I yelled, gaining a bit of my energy back for a single second of rage. "So help me God, I'll cut your dick off with a scalpel, if you do that!  Besides, good luck logging into that cell phone, dumb ass.  It's password protected."

"Let's see...if I had to guess, I would say your password is 6969," mumbled Jacob, trying the password and unlocking my phone in the process.  "Oh, looks like I know you pretty well, Mayumi."

"Jacob, you're treading on very thin fucking ice, right now," I threatened, baring my teeth, like some kind of rabid animal.  "I don't care how medicated I am, at the moment. I still have enough energy to beat your ass."

"Ms. Yuuki, I believe your boyfriend is just trying to—" 

"He's not my boyfriend!" I hollered at the doctor.  

"Well, you have a choice, Mayumi," said Jacob, being, unusually, stubborn.  "You can either let me take care of you or your mom can.  I'm not letting you stay at your apartment by yourself, especially with your mind being where it's at."

"Mind...being where it's at," the doctor repeated to himself, clearly concerned.

Jacob and his big fucking mouth, I thought to myself, realizing that if Jacob said, anymore, the doctor would realize that I tried to off myself.

The last thing that I wanted was for the doctor to know that I was suicidal.  Jacob seemed to have me by my non-existent balls here.  Fucker.  

*

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*

This is such bullshit, I thought to myself as Jacob was driving me back to my apartment. 

My right hand and upper forearm was covered in a black colored cast that prevented any movement of my fingers, meaning that I wouldn't be able to pick at my skin, for a bit, and Lord knew that I really wanted to. My left hand was bandaged as well from the stitches on it, that I needed because of how hard I had gripped the glass shard with it. To put it, simply, both of my hands were fucked. 

"That pouty look on her face hasn't changed since we left the hospital," observed Jacob, smiling.  It's cute."

"Eat my ass," I cursed, not even looking in his direction.  

"Oh yeah, I was going to ask, how much food do you have back at the house?" asked Jacob, once again, ignoring my insult.  "Do you have enough to last you the next week or so?"

"I don't have shit...yesterday, was supposed to be my grocery shopping day," I mumbled in annoyance.  "Regardless, I don't need food.  I can't even work out with this fucked up hand so there's no need to stuff my face.  I'll just get fat, on top of all of my other problems.  Plus, the last fucking thing I need is to waste money that I don't have on stupid shit like food."

"Yeah, food is real stupid; it's not like we need it to survive or anything?" stated Jacob, sarcastically.  "It's fine.  We'll stop on the way to your place to get a few things to eat."

"Are you fucking dense or are you just choosing to ignore me?" I asked, angrily.  

Jacob, lazily, shrugged his shoulders, before saying, "Probably, a little bit of both."  

I knew arguing with him wasn't going to help anything so I chose to just let it go.  I closed my eyes, hoping to take a nap, until we arrived at the grocery store, but Jacob wouldn't allow that to happen. 

"So, you going to tell me what happened?" he questioned, causing me to open my eyes, after being disturbed.  "The broken mirror...your bloodied right hand...the massive cut on your left hand...not to mention that small cut on your throat that the doctor had to stitch up."

"What the fuck do you think happened, Jacob?" I responded, bitterly.  "I know you're not that fucking stupid.  You can probably piece it together, yourself."

"You really think killing yourself is going to solve your problems?" 

"As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it would fix every single mother fucking problem that I have in an instant.  It would cure my pain.  It would cure my depression.  It would cure my anxiety.  I wouldn't have to live the rest of my life as a burden to people and, to top it all off, I wouldn't have to deal with my own fuck ups, ever again."

"You don't think your family would be sad?" questioned Jacob.  

"Family, huh?  Not like I have much to speak of but my mom would move on.  She's always been stronger than me and she'd be happy that I no longer had to be in pain, every day."

"What about me?"

"I couldn't give less of a fuck about you, Jacob, if I tried.  Remember, I'm done with you.  I thought I made that perfectly clear, already."

"Hm, you say that, and, yet, you called me that night," Jacob recalled.  "I know you pretty well, Mayumi.  I know that you love to push everyone in your life away because you think it's what you deserve."

"It is what I deserve.  What's the alternative? Having some poor bastard take care of me for the rest of my miserable excuse for a life?  Why would I want to subject someone to that?  I've been nothing but pitied my entire fucking life. The world can keep their damn pity.  I don't want it, anymore."

"Well, for what it's worth, I wouldn't mind being that 'poor bastard'," Jacob responded.  

"For fuck's sake, Jacob, just forget about me. Find a normal girl that isn't in constant pain, extremely depressed and so anxious that it pains her to even leave her fucking apartment. Find someone, who would be a good life partner.  A good wife.  A good mother to your children.  It's what you deserve.  Not someone like me."

"You've managed to nearly push everyone that's cared about you out of your life, Mayumi. I'm sorry but getting rid of me isn't going to be that easy.  You're stuck with me, I'm afraid."

I closed my eyes, tired from this asinine conversation, and hoping that Jacob would just drive and shut the fuck up, until we got to the grocery store.

*

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*

While Jacob was getting some food items, I found myself in the pharmacy section of the store, looking for some Ibuprofen since I had run out of it.  Unfortunately, it seemed like I was in the wrong isle, due to the fact that sitting in front of me on the shelves were pregnancy tests, of all fucking things.  The sight alone made me chuckle to myself until I found myself, staring, emptily, at the devices that I most likely would never have to use in my entire life.  

"Hm, I never imagined you were the type to be looking at these things," commented Jacob, startling me.  "Ya know, if this is something you're interested in, I wouldn't mind lending a helping—"

"Don't make me fucking laugh," I interrupted, rudely, before walking away from the stupid pregnancy tests, before Jacob could say anything more. 

As soon as I reached the other end of the isle, I was about to check the one, next to it, to see if I could find the Ibuprofen I was looking for, before hearing something that caused me to pause.

"Ms. Yuuki."

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The familiarity of the voice, in addition to the fact that only one other person called me by that name made me turn to face the little girl, who had said it.  She was with her mother, Minerva, who was pushing a cart, full of groceries.  At first, I couldn't help but feel happy to see Makoto, again, considering I thought I would never get the chance to do so but then, I became, immediately, awkward, not knowing how to respond.  I no longer worked as a behavioral interventionist so I was nothing more than a complete stranger to these people, now.  

"Ms. Yuuki...is hurt," pointed out Makoto, now standing right in front of me.  

I figured I was so lost in my own mind, that I hadn't even sensed her approach me.  She seemed to have taken an interest in my injured right hand that was in a cast since her eyes wouldn't leave it.  Luckily, she hasn't seen my left hand, yet, so I hid it behind my back while she was still distracted by the right one.  Despite what most people believed about those with autism and their "lack of emotions," Makoto was a shining example of how untrue that concept truly was.  Plenty of those struggling with autism were capable of showing emotions such as empathy.  It would always piss me off when people would assume that autistic people were emotionless. 

"O-Oh, I just...uh...hurt it during a workout," I explained, not wanting Makoto to get the wrong idea.  

I felt horrible for lying to her but there was no way I could tell her the truth.  Her mother pushed the cart closer to us, before speaking.

"Makoto, try not to walk too far ahead of me," said Minerva, calmly.  "I'm sorry, Ms. Yuuki.  Makoto saw you from across the store and I couldn't stop her from wanting to, at least, say hi.  Still, I know how awful hand injuries can be since I would constantly damage mine during my fights.  That looks like quite a nasty injury; must have been a tough workout."

Shit, I forgot Minerva's a boxer, I, internally, thought to myself, hoping that she wouldn't question me further about it. 

Much to my relief, Jacob showed up, drawing both her and her daughter's attention away from me and my broken hand.  For once in my life, the dip shit had good timing.  

"Ms. Yuuki's friend that...s-sleeps in her bed with her," Makoto pointed out, recounting her last encounter with Jacob.  

Just as quickly as his presence brought me a sense of relief, it brought me a larger sense of anger, causing me to scowl at him, since he was the one, who put that very idea into Makoto's head.  I wanted to call him a dumb ass and it took everything I had not to.  

"Oh, hello," greeted Minerva, ignoring what her daughter had just said.  "You must be Ms. Yuuki's partner.  It's so nice to meet you.  It seems like Makoto already knows you."

"Y-Yeah, when Makoto and I were going grocery shopping with your husband, the two of us ran into him while Andy went to get something," I explained, before Jacob could open his mouth and, most likely, make things even worse.  "A-And the two of us aren't partners, at all.  H-He's just...a...friend that helps me out, sometimes."

"Oh, I see," claimed Minerva, smiling.  "You know, Andy and I were really good friends growing up as well.  Best friends, actually."

Please God, Minerva, don't tell him this, I thought to myself, worrying about how this only put more ideas into Jacob's head.  

"It's a bit weird, to be honest," continued Minerva.  "I never realized until after Andy was gone but...he was actually the only friend that I had.  I never really had any girl friends to hang out with or anything.  Lord knows, Andy pushed me to get some but I'm not very sociable."

"What a coincidence," said Jacob, happy for a reason I couldn't begin to understand.  "Mayumi doesn't have any girl friends either and she's definitely not sociable."

Fucker, I'll snap your dick in two! 

It was times like this where it would have behooved me to be a psychic so Jacob would have gotten this message.  Jacob truly did have a skill for making my life more difficult; it was almost impressive...almost.  

"R-Really?" asked Minerva, shocked. 

"Yep, to my knowledge, I'm the only one that Mayumi really hangs out with and talks to...other than her mother," Jacob explained as my eyes scanned my surroundings for something to bash his head in with...both his heads, for that matter.  "Hey, I have an idea.  Why don't you and Mayumi hang out, sometime, and have a girl's night?"

"O-Oh, that does sound like a nice change of pace but I don't want to put Ms. Yuuki in a tough spot because of her job."

"There's nothing to worry about.  Mayumi doesn't have that job, anymore, so that shouldn't be an issue, right, Mayumi?"

I don't know if a can of soup would be enough to kill him with.  I think I see a rake over there.  That might work.  Or a broom...that could do some damage, for sure.  Hell, with a well enough timed strike and with enough power behind it, a strike from a gallon jug of milk could knock his ass out, at the very least.  

"Wow, she's really giving it some thought," Jacob insinuated, incorrectly.  "She must really want to do it but is just shy."

"Ms. Yuuki," called out Makoto, while, lightly, tugging on my shirt to get my attention.  

I looked down at her, no longer thinking about different ways I could kill Jacob.  

"Ms. Yuuki...you and mommy...should be f-friends.  I-I think...s-she's lonely, without daddy.  T-The only one...she talks to...is me.  I-I want mommy t-to have f-fun."  

"Makoto, honey, you shouldn't put so much pressure on the poor woman," insisted Minerva, clearly, awkward, from the interaction.  

Not that I could blame her; I felt the exact same way.  As much as I hated to admit it, nothing Jacob had said was necessarily untrue.  I didn't really have any friends that were...well...women my age or even around my age...or even friends in general.  Still, this poor woman deserved better than having me as a friend.  She was already dealing with so much, having to raise Makoto by herself, without help from her husband.  The last thing she needed was to have to deal with someone like me.  

"I-I'm so sorry but, I don't think I'm really at the best place for hanging out with...friends," I replied, trying to sound as sincere as possible, not wanting to hurt Minerva's feelings.

Thankfully, she seemed to be in agreement with me. 

"Y-Yeah, I don't really have time to be hanging out with friends, these days, either.  I've been so busy learning the basics of my new job and trying to adapt to being a single parent.  It...hasn't been the easiest transition but I feel like I'm getting better at it.  I'm really sorry, Makoto.  I know you miss, Ms. Yuuki, and want to see her more often, again."

Wow, I hadn't even realized that was Makoto's intention, all along.  I was wondering why she wanted her mother and I to become friends so badly?  Maybe, a part of her did want her mother to make a friend but it was hard to deny that it wasn't possible for her to be looking for a way so that I could be involved in her life, again.  When I looked down at Makoto so I could get a view of her reaction to this, she looked disappointed.  I did feel bad for the small girl. Of course, I missed having sessions with her as well.  They were one of the highlights of my day and, now that I was no longer working in that field, odds were, Makoto and I weren't probably going to see each other, again, after this encounter.  I couldn't let Makoto come to this same conclusion so I chose to talk to her, in order to help take her mind off it.

"S-So, Makoto, how's school been going?" I asked.  "I-I feel so bad that I never got to say a proper goodbye to you and I was worried how you took it.  You have to believe that I never wanted to leave without saying goodbye."

"I-I know, Ms. Yuuki," Makoto responded, sadly.  "I made a...new friend...I...t-think she's a f-friend.  Her name is A-Akane" 

"Oh, a girl?" I questioned, surprised by the news.

"Y-Yes, she hangs out w-with Jason and I, now.  S-She's nice.  Akane is q-quiet like me."

She made a friend...without me being there to help her.  Haha, it seemed like I was worried about her for no reason.  I really did leave her in good hands with Jason.  

"Not only that, her grades are super high," Minerva added, gleefully.  "She's especially good at math and language arts."

Ever since I got released by my job , I had worried so much about how Makoto was doing so learning that she not only was okay but thriving in the school setting without me put my mind at ease.  As pathetic as it sounded, Makoto was doing better than I was.  Then again, that shouldn't have surprised me at all.  She always was stronger than me, even back when I did work with her. I squatted down so that I was on Makoto's level.

"I'm really proud of you, Makoto, for doing so well without me being there," I praised, smiling for the first time, since I had broken my hand.  "I know you're going to keep doing great in school and that you're going to make so many more friends.  Keep being strong for me, okay?  I couldn't be more proud of how well you're doing."

"Ms. Yuuki, I m-miss having you a-around at school.  I-It isn't t-the same without you b-being there.  I-Is this the l-last time I-I'm going to see you?" 

There it was.  The exact question I was dreading to hear, most.  There were so many different ways for me to tackle it, each coming with its own set of advantages and disadvantages.  Lying to Makoto wouldn't be fair to her and it would just give her false hope.  Although, straight up telling her that this was probably the last time we would see each other would crush her and might affect both her home and school life, negatively.  I sighed, sadly.

"Honestly, I don't know, Makoto," I answered.  "More than anything, I hope the two of us will meet, again, in the future.  Even if we don't, though, I'm so happy that I got to see you one more time, today.  Working with you for all that time were some of the genuinely happiest moments of my life.  You've come so far since I first met you, Makoto, and...I couldn't be more proud of you for it.  Keep making tons of friends, make sure to be there for your mom when she needs you and...keep being the brave and strong girl that I know you are, alright?"

After I had finished with my best attempt at a goodbye, Makoto wrapped her arms around me, causing me to lose my balance, slightly.  

"Bye bye, Ms. Yuuki," she, shakily, said, sounding like she was on the verge of tears while hugging me.  "T-Thank you f-for being my f-first friend.  I-I love you, Ms. Yuuki. Y-You...k-keep being strong...t-too."

That was all that Makoto could get out, before she started crying.  I looked up at Minerva, afraid that she would be upset at me for causing her daughter to sob like this but, instead, she just smiled at me, gratefully.  

"We truly were blessed to have met you, Ms. Yuuki," expressed Minerva, still smiling.  

*

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It had been a long afternoon, between going grocery shopping with Jacob and running into Makoto and her mother so it felt nice to flop onto my unmade bed, back-first.  Jacob was busy putting the last couple of groceries away so, for the time being, I was alone in my bedroom.  On the way to my apartment from the grocery store, Jacob couldn't prevent himself from commenting on my interaction with Makoto and her mother.

You always say that you're a burden and that you're useless but it doesn't seem like Makoto and her mom feel that way.  Whether you want to admit it or not, Mayumi, I think you've left such a positive mark on their family.  Without you being in Makoto's life, who's to say if she would have come as far as she has and be as strong as she is.  She looks up to you so much, Mayumi, and I can't blame her.  You're a helluva a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.  

As Jacob's words replayed in my mind while I stared at the ceiling fan, above my bed, I held up my broken hand, to get a better look at it.  Now that my mind was in a calmer state, I could actually remember what had prevented me from using the glass shard and slitting my throat with it.  In a split second, I remembered how strong Makoto was, despite how hard her life was and how she had said...it was because of me that she was able to be this strong.  In that moment, ready to kill myself without a second thought, I couldn't help but imagine how disappointed she would be in me for doing something so weak-minded.  I...wanted to be someone that Makoto could look up to.  No, I wanted to earn the right to be someone that she could look up to.  In my current state, I wasn't anyone that should be used as a role model.  

Y-You...k-keep being strong...t-too.

"I want to, Makoto...I really do," I told myself, still staring at my broken hand, feeling...even if it was just for a split second, a sense of determination and a new found resolve that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

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