Chapter 33: Makoto Flashback Chapter 25: Leaving No Regrets

The carpet in the living area of my apartment.  It was the same spot that I laid down on when I would be in so much pain that I couldn't handle it, when I was having an anxiety episode, when I was being consumed by depressing thoughts or any other countless number of issues that I was having.  The carpet felt so comfortable that there would be times that I wished I could lye in the spot, forever, never having to pick myself up, again.  Nearly every time that I laid in this spot on the carpet, I would pick my skin, whether it was on my forearm, my lower stomach or any other spot on my body.  I used to always stop the picking of my skin, before I drew any blood but, lately, it seemed that I stopped caring, completely.  Every single time that I picked my skin, it seemed that I drew blood of some kind.  Once again, after another shitty and exhausting day at my new job, I found myself in this same exact spot on the carpet, lying on my side and with headphones covering my ears to play music.  That was something that I recently added.  Music.  I observed that music helped keep my mind focused on other things, instead of the countless worries that would never stop popping up into my mind.  I would listen to music as soon as I woke up, when I was working out, when I was showering, on my way to work, on my way home from work, while I was cooking...hell, every time I could, I would listen to music because without it, my mind would just find the next thing to worry about to an exaggerated degree.  

"I guess my body being broken wasn't enough," I muttered to myself, acknowledging the fact that my mind seemed just as broken as my body, usually, was.  

It was hard to pinpoint exactly when my mental health went to complete shit.  I believed that it was shortly after I started my second job.  That's when I noticed that my anxiety, OCD and depression symptoms seemed to sky rocket.  I would constantly worry about the smallest of things and I just couldn't prevent myself from doing so.  I had always had a little bit of OCD symptoms but, lately, they all seemed so much worse, to the point where they were making my life a living hell.  Everything had to be perfectly lined up.  Everything had to be perfectly clean.  Everything had to be done in a certain order.  Everything had to be perfect...every single thing.  When I was tape rolling my bedroom, a couple of mornings ago, I had actually managed to injure my left shoulder because I just wouldn't stop cleaning, over and over again, eventually, leading myself to get injured.  The injury didn't bother me too much since it was just a little bit more pain for me to deal with but pain wasn't the only thing that this OCD bullshit was responsible for.  It basically removed all the free time that I used to have because I would obsess about making sure everything was perfect before I would allow myself to do anything enjoyable.  I didn't have time to do my morning writing, anymore, as a result, and I had to cut down on the time that I participated in other activities that I enjoyed such as reading, playing video games and watching tv.  I didn't know what was causing all of these mental health problems to get significantly worse but it was frustrating.  The pain was a lot to deal with but, at least, with the pain, I was still able to have a little bit of enjoyment in my life.  Now, I had absolutely no enjoyment in my life.  The brain fog that was a result of all of the pain I was constantly in caused me to consistently miss things that I would be reading or watching, forcing me to rewind or reread pages, over and fucking over again.  I hated it.  My mind was so focused on my anxieties, that I couldn't clear it long enough to even write a damn thing.  Playing video games hurt my hands so badly, at this point, that they stopped being fun and were just another thing that caused me pain.  To summarize all of this petty self-loathing, my life was a living hell and I hated it...hated it so fucking much.  Not only was I ruining my own life but I was ruining other people's lives too.  My constant apologizing and fretting at work probably annoyed and irritated my coworkers to the point where they found me to be nothing more than a weird nuisance.  Sometimes, my fears and worries would get so bad that I would end up calling my mom to talk things over with her.  The only thing that this accomplished was the two of us getting mad at each other and causing her more stress.  It made me feel so awful...causing my mom so much stress...I knew, deep down, that I would be the one responsible for her dying of a heart attack, one day.  After everything that my mom had done for me in my miserable excuse for a life, this was how I repaid her.  Damn it.  I wanted to keep all of these problems and feelings to myself but when I did that for too long, it made me feel so sick to my stomach, that I felt like throwing up and would, usually, lead me to cry like a fucking baby, to myself, because I would come to terms with how much of a broken mess I truly was.  I promised Makoto that I would be strong for her and become someone that she could be proud of but, instead, I became even worse.  If this was a fairy tale or a feel-good and inspirational movie, I would have turned my life around but life wasn't either of those things.  Makoto would be ashamed of the person I had become...all of the kids that I had worked with would be.  They were all so fucking strong and I...was just so fucking weak.  I...I...wanted to die.  There was no mistaking it, anymore.  I didn't want to keep living.  

I picked up my cell phone, that was on the carpet, next to me, with my left hand which was the one that didn't have nails covered in blood and skin from picking.  Most of the blood was dry because I had been lying on the carpet for a while.  As I stared at my phone screen, I did something that I never thought I would do, again.  I searched for my dad's phone number.  

"If...I'm going to kill myself...I don't want to leave any regrets," I told myself.  "Letting my dad know that I forgive him and that I want him to be happy in his new life is the least that I could do for him.  I don't hate him...or even have any resentment for him, anymore.  I'll send him a long text saying all of this stupid shit because calling him would just be awkward.  Hm.  I should text my mom too...send her an even longer text...thanking her for everything that she's done for me...apologizing for all of the pain and sadness I've caused her and to, most importantly, tell her how much I love her.  That just leaves...Jacob."

It had been so long since I had seen Jacob's face that a part of me thought it would just be best to die without seeing him, again.  He may had already forgotten about me, at this point.  At that very moment, he could have been on a date with a younger, prettier and happier girl.  If that was the case, it would have made me really happy.  I wanted him to move on from me...so much.  Although...someone like me...a piece of shit...couldn't let things end like that.  I wanted to tell him, goodbye, after seeing his face, again.  Yeah, that's what I wanted.  I wanted to see his face...just one last time...even if I looked horrible when I did so. 

"Ya know, maybe, I could force myself to be strong...one more time, before I take my life," I mumbled to myself.  "It wouldn't be enough...nearly enough to earn Makoto's praise but it would be better than nothing.  Yeah, I'll be strong...one more time...just for you, Makoto, so...so don't be too disappointed in me, after I'm gone.  Please."

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Holy fuck, it's cold as tits, I complained to myself, internally, as I walked around the campus, where Jacob was an instructor at. 

For the first time in what felt like months, I had actually put time into my appearance. I did my hair, put makeup on and dressed like I actually gave a shit, for once. A miniskirt with black leggings wasn't necessarily revolutionary, by any means, but it was a hell of a lot better than just wearing baggy track pants and a tank top that was, usually, always covered with layers of plain looking jackets and coats, to help keep my skinny ass warm. To be honest, I forgot that I even had a nice coat to wear, for this kind of occasion, but I recalled that my mom had bought me one, a while back, telling me she wanted me to have something nice to wear when I would go out with friends or other people.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't have anything in the way of friends or that I, honestly, couldn't see when I would actually wear a coat so nice. Plus, I didn't want to seem ungrateful for the present so I just accepted it with a smile and the poor, expensive, coat had been sitting in my closet for years without even being touched, once. Today was, most likely, going to be my last outing before ending my miserable excuse of a life so I figured I might as well wear the stupid thing, once. Although, it made me kind of stick out like a sore thumb, in comparison to the other college students walking around the campus, who clearly didn't give a single fuck about how they looked. I guess they were too busy focused on their studies, recovering from hangovers or part time jobs that they were forced to take to pay for their education. I couldn't imagine dealing with the stress that a college student had to deal with on a constant basis and the mere thought made me shudder. I would have probably killed myself a hell of a lot sooner if I had to deal with college. Most of the other college students around me were just wearing long sleeves, at most, because the weather, itself, wasn't all that cold. It was just me. Even in my incredibly warm apartment, I wore my jackets and coats and I kept that mother fucker way warmer than most people did. Still, it didn't help much. I was always so cold, these days. So fucking cold. I knew why because the reason was, painfully, obvious. I was the skinniest I had ever been in my life. Under all of these nice clothes that I was wearing, I was nothing more than a bag of bones. I may had been able to cover up my body but my face was another story. Makeup couldn't hide the boniness of my cheeks or the bags under my eyes. Still, I tried not to dwell on this since I was already stressed enough from just being out in public. I decided to hurry and find the stupid lecture hall before I either had a heart attack from stress or I turned into a human fucking popsicle. 

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45 Minutes early, I thought to myself, glancing down at my cell phone that gave me the time. 

I was sitting in one of the uncomfortable ass chairs that were in the lecture hall that Jacob was teaching at, that day. It was absolute murder on my back and I imagined that I'd have to be carried out of the building on a fucking stretcher by the time the lecture ended but I tried not to focus on this. Being stupidly early for shit was common for me. Hell, I always arrived like 45 minutes - 1 hour, early, to work. I liked doing this for several reasons. For one, it always gave me plenty of wiggle room incase there was an accident on the road or if traffic was bad so I didn't have to be anxious about this on my way to work, on top of all of the other constant shit I had going around in my head. Also, it always gave me a good opportunity to get some reading done which was one of the few things that I enjoyed doing, still...to an extent. Reading...just like everything, these days, was a challenge for me, given my mental health. When I was reading my manga, I would often have to reread entire pages because of my brain fog; I'd become hyper fixated on the pictures, trying to get a glimpse of every single fucking detail of the art, before allowing myself to move onto the next page. Before turning the page, I would always rub the page with my thumb and index finger of my right hand to make sure that two pages weren't stuck, together, because I was constantly anxious about accidentally skipping a page and missing something. It was tedious as hell and I hated it but I would get sick to my stomach if I didn't do this. I missed the days where I could just enjoy reading and just read like a normal fucking person but, just like everything in my life, it just couldn't be that easy for me. Luckily, there wasn't a class in this lecture hall before Jacob's so I was free to sit in the lecture hall by myself and read until the lecture started. As an added bonus, I was so early, that there wasn't anyone else in the lecture hall, yet, so I didn't have to worry about better looking and younger people staring at me like I was in the wrong place. 

"Well, might as well enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts," I mumbled to myself as I took out the manga I was currently reading, from my purse that I had with me. 

Strangely enough, the only thing that was in the purse was the manga, itself. I didn't really ever bother bringing a purse unless I planned on taking something to read with me to my destination.  Never really saw the purpose in using them to carry other things or even using them in general, for that matter. I hadn't started this book in the series, yet, but it was one that I had been enjoying, ever since starting it about a month ago. It was a long Shonen series that focused on this magician, who actually had magical abilities and used them to fight monsters, mages and shit like that. It was a particularly longer series since I was on volume 24 and I was still less than halfway done with the series. Shonen series were always kind of long so I was, basically, used to it, by this point. Reading the first couple of pages went pretty smoothly but, by the time, I got to page 20, I found myself hyper fixating on all of the pictures, repeating character dialogue over and over again to myself and continuously forgetting shit that was happening within seconds of just reading it. My hands were also, already hurting from holding the book and I figured it would only take about 15 more minutes for both of my hands to go completely numb. As this happened, both my heart rate and breathing increased to an unhealthy degree. To make matters worse, I felt like I was on the verge of crying which I knew would smear all of the makeup that I was wearing. I did my best to hold back the tears as I continued to force myself to do something that used to be one of the very few things that brought my life joy.

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Within about 5 minutes of the lecture starting, I had put my manga away since the lecture hall was getting pretty crowded. There weren't a ton of students in the back row, sitting by me which was nice. Most of them sat towards the front of the lecture hall. This took me back to my time in school and how, whenever I had the chance, I would choose to always sit at the back of the classroom. I did this to avoid having to interact with others and it always proved pretty effective at accomplishing just that. I did get some strange looks from some of the college students as they made their way into the lecture hall. It was hard to tell if it was for reading the manga or them just not recognizing me but, either way, it didn't really bother me. I was used to people looking at me like a fucking out of place weirdo and, in their defense, that's exactly what I was. I vaguely remembered the subject that Jacob taught...it was some kind of forensics class but I couldn't quite remember the details. It was probably the damn brain fog that had made that memory so fuzzy for me. Not that I really cared what the subject was. The only thing that mattered was that I had made it to the lecture. It was entirely possible that Jacob wouldn't even notice me during the lecture, especially since I was sitting towards the back of the lecture hall. That was fine by me, though, and it would have been for the best. As selfish as it sounded, this was more for myself rather than for him. Plus, I'd be killing myself here soon, after his lecture, anyways, so him not having to see me, right before I die, wouldn't be the worst thing. About two minutes before the lecture was about to start, I heard the doors to the lecture hall, loudly, open, and in walked Jacob, wearing his usual business casual attire. He rushed right by me, facing straight ahead and he almost seemed panicked. Most likely, because he was incredibly late for the lecture. He made his way up to the podium to begin speaking to the class.

"H-Hope everyone is doing well, today," he started, slightly out of breath. "I apologize for arriving so close to the start-time. I keep telling myself that I'm going to get here, early, but for some reason, that just never ends up happening. Anyways, we'll be picking up where we left off last week so you can go ahead and take out your textbooks and flip to page...t-to...page..."

His words began to trail off as he, blankly, looked in my direction, taking notice of my presence. I darted my eyes to the side so that I didn't make eye contact with him but this didn't make him any less awkward. 

"U-Uh, r-right...page 465," Jacob instructed, finally finishing his sentence. "Sorry about that. My brain's still trying to turn itself on this morning."

Jacob was able to overcome this initial awkwardness and proceeded to go over the course material, every once in a while shooting a glance in my direction. The lecture itself was pretty interesting and it almost made the excruciating pain that I was feeling from sitting down too long bearable...key word being almost.

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The lecture wasn't too particularly long which my body was incredibly thankful for but still long enough to make walking around a small fair, that was close to the campus Jacob taught at, a bit of a chore for me. I tried not to let it show on my face as Jacob and I walked side-by-side, holding hands, almost like we were an actual couple. After his lecture was over, he told me that he wanted to celebrate me having the strength to actually put myself out there and go to one of his lectures so he offered to take me to this fair as a reward of some kind. I wasn't stupid, though. I knew he was just using that as an excuse to take me out on a date and knew I would feel too bad to reject his offer so here I was, against my better judgement. On a date at a fair that I didn't want to be on, in the first place. Originally, I planned on heading straight home once the lecture was over because I knew my body would need some rest and recovery from the pain of sitting on that uncomfortable ass seat for so long while listening to Jacob's lecture. Tomorrow was the day that I was planning on offing myself so tonight was the last night that I was going to be alive for so I kind of just wanted to enjoy it, watching my favorite anime one last time so I wouldn't have any regrets, tomorrow. Unfortunately, this date with Jacob would probably make me want to fall asleep as soon as I got home so I wouldn't even be allowed the opportunity to watch my favorite anime and enjoy my last night on this stupid fucking planet.  I supposed that would have been too nice of an ending for me, anyways. My eventual death would be just like the rest of the life that I'd lived. Disappointing as fuck. 

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"You don't look like you're having too much fun," observed Jacob, taking note of the grim look on my face. "Then again, that shouldn't be too surprising. Your body is probably hurting, huh, from having to sit in that seat, listening to me for so long; isn't that right? I guess it was selfish of me to bring you here. To be honest, I just wanted to go out with you since we haven't hung out in a really long time."

Yeah, I already know that, I thought to myself, partially, annoyed.

"Plus, knowing you, you probably aren't the biggest fan of fairs. Lots of crowds, unhealthy food that makes your pain worse and janky rides that also, make your pain worse. Haha, kind of a shit date, I guess. My bad. We don't have to stay any longer if you don't want to."

Despite wanting to leave, a part of me didn't want Jacob to feel bad so I shook my head, no, and lied in an attempt to make him feel better.

"No, we don't have to go, yet. My pain isn't actually that bad and the rides don't bother me too much. Besides, I don't plan on really eating anything while I'm here so that isn't something I have to worry about. I can stay for a little longer."

"In that case, do you want to ride the Ferris Wheel?" asked Jacob. "That's probably the most chill ride here. Then, after that, we can call it a day."

"That sounds good to me."

The two of us made it to the line of the Ferris Wheel which was, unfortunately, pretty long, meaning that we would have to stand in place for a while which, of course, would make my pain worse. Still, it was the last ride of the day so I only had to tolerate the pain a little bit longer. Plus, I'd never have to deal with pain, again, after tomorrow was over. At this point, the thought of my life ending actually brought me a bit of peace of mind as fucked up as it sounded. No longer being in pain. No longer having to, slowly, lose my mind every single day. No longer having to be a burden to anyone. It all sounded...so...so fucking nice. 

"I can see that you still haven't really been taking care of yourself, Mayumi," observed Jacob, interrupting my train of thought. "As hot as you look, today, I can still tell that you're the skinniest you've ever been."

"Just not that hungry, these days."

"Mayumi, if you never eat anything, you might end up dying, one of these days."

"Would that really be that bad?"

"Shouldn't talk like that," claimed Jacob. "You dying would be heartbreaking for me...your mom as well."

"My mom would get over it and just be happy that I was put out of my fucking misery. Why the fuck would you be heartbroken? You're still young, good looking and have your whole future ahead of you. Without me around, you'd finally move on and find someone more deserving of you than I ever could be."

"I've told you this a million times, Mayumi; I don't want anyone else," responded Jacob. "I just want you. And, no matter what you say, I'm not going to give up on—"

"Just stop, damn it," I interrupted, forcing myself not to yell since I didn't want to cause a scene. "Can't you see that I don't fucking want that for you, Jacob? I want you to find someone else...someone, who isn't broken, mentally and physically. Someone that you won't have to spend your whole life taking care of. Of course, I want to be with you. Nothing would make me happier than for us to start dating, getting married and living a merry fucking life, together. But, something like that isn't in the cards for someone like me, no matter how much I wish it was. Every single year, I get worse in some capacity, whether it's my pain or my mind deteriorating. One day, I'm going to be completely bed ridden and unable to even get up, some days. Is that the type of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, Jacob? Someone, who isn't even going to be able to go on dates like this, most days, and is just going to be stuck in bed, either from their pain or just being too fucking frightened to get up and start the day? Someone, who's going to turn into a human skeleton, from never eating anything? Someone, who's never going to be fit to be a mother since she can't even take care of herself? Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Because...because I don't want that for you at all. I don't want that for anyone. I already feel like enough of a burden when I'm by myself. The last thing I want to do is permanently drag someone else into my shitty life. If you're so fucking insistent on us being, together, then tell me...tell me how in the actual fuck it would work out, then? Go ahead...tell me...tell me."

My mascara was smeared from the tears that were coming out of my eyes without me even realizing it until it was too late. 

"Hm, how would it work out, huh? Personally, I can't see you ever being bedridden because you're just so strong. I think you'll end up trying your best to do everything in your power to prevent this from happening, all of the way up until the day that you die. That's just the type of person you are...you aren't one that gives up. I know that, firsthand. More and more obstacles just keep getting thrown your way, Mayumi, whether they be physical or mental and you keep adjusting to all of them. Sure, you might have a bad day here and there but who doesn't? The important thing is that you never let these bad days cause you to give up, entirely. That takes a lot of strength, in my mind. Hell, you're probably the strongest person I know despite how that's the last thing you want to hear. Although, if you do get bedridden, one day, and I have to take care of you...nothing would make me happier than spending every waking minute of my life, making yours the best it could be. I'd cook breakfast for us, each morning, and eat in bed, right next to you. I'm not the greatest cook but I know how to make a healthy breakfast, at the very least. Then, I would get a job where I could work from home so that I didn't have to leave you by yourself, all day. On top of that, I know how antsy you get when you don't have anything to do and how hard you would be on yourself if you weren't working so I would help you find a job that you could literally do from your bed. You love writing, right? Maybe, I could get you a job where you're a translator or a proof reader or something? That way, you won't ever have to feel like being bedridden is forcing you not to work and you would be able to support yourself. I don't want you to be any harder on yourself than you already are, after all. I'd make sure to remind you each day to do all of the things that make you happy such as writing and reading since those are two things that you love to do in your free time. I need to read more too, especially considering I'm a college professor so I'll probably keep you company and read next to you, a lot of the time. Oh, and don't worry; you reading what the characters' in the book are saying out loud and making the sound effects, quietly to yourself to get more immersed in the story doesn't bother me at all and I think it's cute."

How the hell does he even know about that weird quirk of mine? I thought to myself, embarrassed that I had done something like that when Jacob was around.

"You definitely have to keep writing too since I know that when you do, finally, publish a book, it's going to be amazing and people are really going to love it. Although, I have a strong feeling it's going to be a bit depressing since you have a tendency to like darker shows and stuff but that's alright. I'm sure it'll be great, regardless. When the both of us are finished with work for the day, then I'll either order us something that's healthy or cook you something healthy since I don't want to make your inflammation worse. We'd eat, together, in the bed and watch anime or even play video games with each other until we both fall asleep and do the same thing the next day. If this is how I get to spend every day of my life...then nothing would make me happier, Mayumi. Because, I'd be with you."

I couldn't help but look up at Jacob, speechless, after he had done the very thing I had asked of him which was tell me how our life would work if we were, together. I hadn't expected an answer, especially as one as detailed as this. The life he laid out...didn't sound bad. It didn't sound bad at all. Actually, it sounded really nice. It sounded like something that I had wanted my entire life, despite telling myself, otherwise. 

"I love you, Mayumi, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you," Jacob stated, no longer facing towards the Ferris Wheel and, now, looking directly at me, who was crying even more. "That's why I'll wait for as long as it takes for the opportunity to live the life with you that I just laid out. I really do hope that, one day, you give me a chance."

"Ha...ha...hahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahaha."

"W-Why are laughing, Mayumi?" asked Jacob, confused by my reaction.

"That whole spill you just gave about how we would spend our lives, together...reminded me of a really shitty and cheesy romance movie...but...it was really sweet...really fucking sweet, Jacob. It...was the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me."

This date between Jacob and I was supposed to be our last one but, after hearing everything he had just said, it made killing myself seem like the furthest thing from I wanted to do. 

"Mayumi, I meant every word, despite it probably sounding a tad corny and over the top," Jacob claimed, smiling. 

"I know you did, you big fucking cornball. I...I know you did...but, still I—"

Before I could come up with another petty excuse for why the life Jacob just explained wasn't ideal and wasn't what I wanted, he leaned in and kissed me, in front of all of the people that were still waiting in line with us for the Ferris Wheel. He didn't give a shit about the tears smeared across my face, my fucked up mascara, how bony my face was...he didn't care about any of it. The kiss made my entire body feel warm and relaxed in a second and all of those petty excuses and reasons that the two of us shouldn't be, together, as well as the feeling of taking my own life, left my mind, completely. Even if it was just for a moment, a part of me didn't want to die. I...I wanted to live...with Jacob. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to keep pushing forward in my miserable excuse for a life. I wanted to keep writing until I finished at least one book. I wanted to finish all of the anime and mangas that I hadn't read or watched, yet. I wanted to work out and keep getting physically stronger each day, my pain be damned. I wanted to find a different job that made me feel just as useful as being a Behavioral Interventionist did. I wanted to become someone that deserved to be looked up to by someone as strong as Makoto. I wanted to be the one...to take care of my mom, who's spent her entire life taking care of others. I wanted to take care of her, for once, and prove to her that her kid isn't as pathetic as she looks. I...wanted to live...I wanted to live so badly. Even if it was selfish of me to want to be with Jacob. Even if it wasn't fair of me to wish for something like that...every single fiber of my being fucking wished for it. There was no way for me to know if the life that Jacob had laid out for me would come true but, even if there was a small chance that it did, I wanted to give it a try. I really did. I wasn't ready to take my own life, anymore, and it was all because of this stupid cornball that was kissing me, right now, not even realizing that we were the ones, who were next in line for the Ferris wheel.

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