Chapter 5: Makoto Flashback Chapter 4:

4:00 AM, huh? I thought to myself, looking over at my alarm clock that was next to my bed.  

I hadn't been able to sleep all night.  It was hard to tell what was preventing me from my sleep but, if I had to guess, it was most likely my pain and my worry for Makoto beginning her first day of school.  For the first time in months, I wouldn't be heading to her house in the morning and, instead, I would be going to a different client's house and then going to hers' in the evening, when she got off of school.  That was another thing.  I was anxious about starting a new client as well.  I had been doing this job for quite a while so you would expect me to not be such a worry wart but it seemed that the stress of meeting someone new, that I wasn't familiar with, was something that would never not cause me to feel sick to my stomach from stress.  On top of all this, my pain was just as fucking unpleasant as it usually was when I was this stressed about something.  I had an agonizing, sharp pain in my right glute that matched, perfectly, with the same feeling that was in my right toes.  

I hovered my left forearm arm in front of my eyes, that were staring at the ceiling, and it was covered with tiny marks and scabs from picking the shit out of it.   The skin picking had been a habit of mine ever since I was young and had only gotten worse as I'd gotten older.  When I was younger, it wasn't really limited to a specific area but as the years had gone by, I managed to reduce my picking to only 2 areas which were my left forearm and the lowest part of my stomach.  The pain slightly distracted me from both the fibro and stress in general but it came at the cost of my skin looking like absolute shit in these areas.  Not to mention, all of the other scarring that I was stuck with from all of the picking that I had done when I was younger, when I didn’t care about keeping it all in 2 places.  Fucking hell.  It looked awful.  Sometimes, I even debated if covering these areas with tattoos would help me cover up all of the scars but I didn't have remotely enough money for that.  For the time being, this was why I always wore long sleeves and pants, even during the summer.  I never wore anything revealing my skin.  Why would I?  It would just worry the parents and kids I worked with.  The kids had enough to worry about other than their pathetic excuse for a helper's bullshit problem that she couldn’t get a fucking handle on.  

Using my right index finger and thumb, I pinched the skin on the left side of the lowest part of my stomach, since I had been targeting the right side so much, lately, as I continued to stare up at the ceiling, accepting the fact that I wasn't going to get any sleep, no matter how hard I tried.  I, painfully, pulled the skin upward while still pinching it and held it there…and held it…and held it.  The longer I held it, the deeper my index finger and thumb would dig into the skin. 

I really hope you have a better day than I do, Makoto, I thought to myself, hopefully.  Of course, you will.  You're a hell of a lot stronger than I am.  Everyone's stronger than I am.

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"Makoto, sweetie, it's time to get up," Minerva's voice called out from the small girl's doorway.  

In response, Makoto pulled her sheets and blanket over her head, hoping that her mother would just leave and forget about her first day of school.  Unfortunately, Makoto could sense that her mother wasn't leaving from under the safety of her blanket and sheets.  The sound of her mother getting closer to her bed made her tense up even further and then she felt a slight pressure on her bed, next to where she was sleeping.  It was her mother, who was sitting on the bed, next to her.  

Her mother's soft and gentle hand being placed on her back startled her, at first, but she calmed down, once she realized her mom was rubbing her back like she usually did in the mornings.  

"You are my sunshine.  My only sunshine," Minerva began to sing, peacefully.  "You make me happy when skies are gray.  You never know dear how much I love you.  Please don't take my sunshine away."  

As soon as her mother's singing was over, Makoto, finally, removed the blanket and sheets that were covering her face.  Her mother smiled at her, warmly.

"You're going to do so awesome, today, I just know it," her mother claimed, optimistically.  "You have to get up, though.  You don't want to be late for your first day.  Can you do me a favor and brush your teeth just like Ms. Yuuki taught you to while I make your bed?  It would make her super proud of you if were able to do it without her being here."

A part of Makoto still didn't want to leave the comfort and safety of her bed but another part of her didn't want to argue with her mother.  Plus, she wanted to make Ms. Yuuki proud, even though she wasn't going to be with her in the morning which made her sad.  Makoto, slowly, got out of her bed and made her way to her bathroom which was only a small walk from her room. 

She got on top of a small step that she used to reach the bathroom counter because of how short she still was.  The first thing that Makoto did was turn the sink on and messed with it until it was warm but not too hot.  It only took her about 30 seconds this time because she was getting more used to how to find the right temperature.  She grabbed the hand towel that was hung up, wetted a corner of it with warm water and then began getting the sleep out of her eyes with it.  Each time the warm hand towel touched near her eye, her body shuttered with discomfort but she managed to push through it.  Makoto then turned the sink water to cool, cupped her hands like Ms. Yuuki had taught her and splashed some cold water onto her face to help wake herself up.  She spit out some of the water that got into her mouth, by accident, and frowned.

"Code," she muttered to herself.  

She used the same hand towel that she had used to get the sleep out of her eyes to pat her face dry, gently.  Next, Makoto changed the water temperature of the sink to warm and decreased the pressure that it was coming out at.  Makoto grabbed her toothbrush and wetted the brush part just a little, placed the toothbrush on the bathroom counter and then turned the water off so it wouldn't run while she was brushing her teeth.  Makoto picked up the toothpaste container with both of her hands, opened it, by unscrewing the lid off, and squeezed it, lightly, so that just a little bit came out onto the brush part of her toothbrush.  She closed the lid on the toothpaste and put it back.  Makoto proceeded to brush her teeth, to the best of her ability, and tried to estimate the time the best she could since she didn't have Ms. Yuuki to tell her how long to brush for, anymore.  When she couldn't take it, any longer, she placed the toothbrush on the counter, spit out the toothpaste and gagged for a second.  Makoto turned the sink back on and rinsed her mouth out with cool water, before rinsing off the toothbrush, taking off the brush part and drying both pieces off with the hand towel.  Makoto, carefully, blew into the detached brush part before re attaching it to the body of the toothbrush.  She turned her attention to the mouthwash that was sitting on the bathroom counter, next to her toothpaste.  Despite how badly she wanted to skip it, she forced herself to pick it up, unscrew the lid, pour some of the mouthwash into the lid and soak it up in her mouth.  She swished the mouthwash around for as long as she could tolerate it and then, violently, spit it out into the sink with a look of disgust on her face.

"Borns," she complained as she turned the sink back on to get water to rinse her mouth out with.  

After making sure she got every last trace of the disgusting liquid out, she rinsed out the cap that she had filled with the mouthwash, dried it with the hand towel and screwed it back on the bottle.  

"Are you all done in here?" asked Minerva as she made her way into the bathroom.

Makoto nodded her head, yes, and Minerva could tell from the slight mess on the bathroom counter that Makoto had indeed did everything that Ms. Yuuki taught her.

"Very good, sweet heart.  I'm sure Ms. Yuuki would be very proud of you for doing all of that by yourself.  Now, I'm just going to wipe up the counter, real quick, and then I can do your hair for you.  I want it to look really cute for your first day of school."

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"Okay, I think you're all set, Makoto," said Minerva as she put Makoto's backpack on her.  

She readjusted the purple flower hair clip that she had put in her hair.  It matched the purple skirt that she was wearing, perfectly.

"Remember, Makoto, don't eat the flower in your hair, okay?  You've been doing better about it." 

Makoto puffed her cheeks out in defiance.  

"Your lunch is in your backpack and you should have everything you need in there as well.  Your father made sure of that.  Mommy has to go to work, now, so daddy will be driving you.  I want you to have an awesome first day, okay?"  

Minerva hugged her daughter, tightly, and Makoto did her best to hug her mother back, awkwardly.  Makoto, usually, didn't like to be touched by people.  The only three people she tolerated were her mother, father and Ms. Yuuki. 

After releasing the hug, her mother stood back up and, much to Makoto's confusion, turned away from her, almost like she was hiding something. 

"Okay, it's just about time for us to go, Makoto," her father said as he made his way into the kitchen area.  "Mine, are you alright?" 

Andy put his hand on his wife's shoulder while she was still faced away from Makoto.  There was a slight stutter in Minerva's voice but she managed to respond to her husband.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine.  I-I should probably get going as well.  M-Make sure she has everything...a-and that she gets to school, safely...d-don't leave until you see her enter the school.  Perhaps...you...you could wait a couple of minutes after that until you leave?  Oh, and—"

"Don't worry about a thing," Andy said, smiling.  "I'll make sure she gets there safely and as soon as she makes her way into the school, I'll text you.  Just...try to focus on your training, alright?  It'll help take your mind off of it."

Minerva shook her head in agreement and wiped her eyes with her sleeve, again, for a reason that Makoto couldn't understand.  

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"Okay, we're here, Makoto," said Andy as he parked his car in an empty parking spot at Makoto's school.  

Makoto had been squirming in the backseat of his car the entire time he was driving and Andy had desperately been trying to think of something to tell her that would make her feel better.  He couldn't, though.  How could he?  School was a living hell for him.  He struggled with learning, suffered through bullying and everyday he went to school, the only thing on his mind was how relieved he always felt when he would get home, away from that place he hated so much.  The worst part was that Andy knew that he was a normal kid, without any disabilities.  His daughter being slightly different than the other kids only made him worry for her even worse than he already was.  

In addition to the squirming, Andy could also, hear Makoto's humming coming from behind him as well which he knew meant she was anxious.  

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"It's alright, Makoto," comforted Andy.  "I know how scared you are right now.  To be honest, I'm a bit scared as well.  Letting you go into the world by yourself for the first time.  It's terrifying.  But you're going to do great.  Your mother thinks so.  I think so.  Even Ms. Yuuki thinks so.  All of the progress that you've made over these last couple of months...your mother and I are so proud of you for it."  

Despite her father's comforting words, Makoto only seemed to be getting worse and he knew that if he didn't do something fast, his daughter was going to be late.

"Makoto, all of the other kids are just as nervous as you are," claimed Andy.  "None of them want to go to school, either.  We aren't expecting you to knock it out of the park on your first day.  Just do the best you can, alright?  Can you promise to be strong for me if I promise to be strong for you?" 

Makoto looked up at her father and paused her humming.  She glanced out at the school for a second and, sadly, nodded her head.  

Andy opened the driver's side door and made his way out of his car.  He walked over to where Makoto was sitting and opened the car door, closest to her.  Makoto, hesitantly, stepped out of the car with her purple backpack on.  Andy bent down on one knee and could see that Makoto was biting her lip.

"Try not to bite your lip, sweetheart.  You don't want sores on your mouth on your first day of school.  Do you want me to walk you to the front of the school?"

Makoto shook her head, rapidly, yes, and then immediately grabbed her father's hand with a death grip.  

At least she's out of the car, thought Andy to himself.  The next step is to get her to the front of the school.

Andy held Makoto's hand while the two walked from his car to the front of the school where a teacher was waiting for the two of them.  Makoto hid behind Andy's leg, uncertain of the teacher, who seemed to be a woman in her mid-thirties.  

"And who might you be?" the teacher asked, invitingly.

"Go ahead and introduce yourself.  It'll be good for you since you've been practicing with your speech therapist for a while."

"Mmmmmm...Ma...Makoto," Makoto introduced, quietly, still hiding behind her father's leg.  

"Makoto, that's a very cool name.  I can see that you're a little scared but I promise you that you're going to have a ton of fun, today.  Here, I'll walk you to your classroom.  I'm sure all of the other kids are super excited to meet you," the teacher said, smiling.

How much smoke is this woman going to blow up her ass? Andy thought to himself, annoyed.

Much to his relief, though, Makoto released the death grip on Andy's hand and took the hand of the teacher, trusting her.  Andy bent down and gave Makoto a hug and kissed the top of her head.

"Just follow the nice lady, okay.  You're being so brave right now," Andy praised.  "I hope you have a really good day, Makoto.  I love you." 

"Whenever you're ready, miss Makoto," the teacher said.  "We'll walk at whatever pace you feel most comfortable with."

Makoto and the teacher, slowly, walked towards the front doors of the school while Andy watched the two of them go.  Makoto was walking "toe-first" which was typical for her and had a finger in her mouth, biting on it.  As soon as the two reached the front doors, Makoto looked behind her, seeming like she was on the verge of crying at any moment, and took the finger she was biting on out of her mouth to wave goodbye to her father.  Andy reciprocated the action, holding in tears of his own.  Before he knew it, both his daughter and the teacher made their way through the front doors of the school and he was no longer able to see his daughter.  Andy exhaled, deeply, turned around and made his way back towards his car.

He took out his cell phone and began texting Minerva to let her know that Makoto had made it to school, safely.  He knew that she wouldn't be able to train, correctly, until she knew Makoto was alright. 

She's probably staring at her phone screen right at this moment, Andy figured to himself as he finished the text and sent it.  

He stopped for a moment when he reached his car and turned around to look at the school, one final time.  

"S-She'll be fine.  She'll be fine.  She...will definitely be fine."

Andy kept repeating this statement in an attempt to convince himself but, ultimately, it failed.  He tapped his fingers on the hood of his car while he debated what to do next.  

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"There she is...right there," the special education teacher said, pointing at a small window, attached to the door, leading to Makoto's classroom.  

Andy looked through it to see if he could find his daughter among the other kids in the classroom.  The kids were all sitting on the carpet inside of the classroom around the teacher, who seemed to be reading some kind of book to them as part of story time.  Finally, Andy caught a glimpse of Makoto at the very back of the classroom, sitting crisscross and hunched over, rocking back and forth, clearly distressed.  

"I'm sure she'll get more used to the classroom setting," the special education teacher claimed in an attempt to make Andy feel better.  

Andy had to force himself to stop looking through the window because he didn't want Makoto to see him and the sight of her struggling definitely wasn't helping him feel better, either.  

"Makoto will be with me during a couple parts of the day so she will get some small breaks from the classroom setting.  There also, is a teacher aide in the classroom but, unfortunately, we're a bit understaffed at the moment, so we only have the student aides in certain classrooms.  There are a couple of other kiddos with disabilities in Makoto's classroom so we made sure to have a student aide in this one."  

Only one teacher aide, huh? Andy thought to himself.  And if there's more than one kid with a disability in that classroom, it’s going to be tough for that student aide to help, everyone.  

"I-I should probably get going," Andy said.  "I...appreciate you allowing me to check in with her."

"Oh, it's not a problem.  It shows how much you care.  Try not to worry, though.  I'm sure Makoto will do great."

"Y-Yeah," Andy responded, doubtfully, as he walked away from the classroom.

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Andy sat, alone, in his car, trying to get the image of Makoto looking so uncomfortable out of his mind.  He debated texting Minerva about what he saw but knew it would only make her more worried.  

"Makoto will be fine, like the special education teacher said," he told himself as he started the ignition of his car.  "She's just...a little nervous about it being the first day.  I'm sure once she gets used to it, it'll become much easier for her."

Andy saw in his rear-view mirror that he was, in fact, teary-eyed.  He didn't have a single clue how long his eyes were like that but he, immediately, wiped them with the sleeve of his shirt.  Andy took a deep breath, before, finally, pulling out of the parking lot.

 

Author's Note: Hello, thank you so much for reading this chapter!  One thing that I wanted to focus on in this series was how Makoto's autism not only affects her home life but her school life as well.  In addition to this, one of the most heartbreaking moment of any parent's life, I imagine, is letting their kids go to school for the first time.  It can be such a scary thing and I really wanted to get that point across in this chapter.  I really wanted to take a more introspective approach with Makoto's autism and, rather than making it a gimmick, really focus on how it affects her life in various ways, and, hopefully, give a realistic interpretation of someone, who is struggling with autism.  Again, thank you so much for reading this chapter!

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