Chapter 6: Makoto Flashback Chapter 5: Makoto’s First Day of School Pt. 2

The rocking back and forth and keeping her head down didn't do much to help Makoto calm down while she sat in her kindergarten classroom, on the first day of school.  She titled her head up, slightly, to stare at the teacher, who was still reading a book to the class, to start off the day.  She mentioned that it was one of her favorites and was a way she liked to ease the students into the first day of school.  It was a picture book of some kind and many of the students, especially the ones, who were sitting closer to the teacher, were very interested in the book.  Makoto couldn't even concentrate on the words the teacher was saying or the pictures she was showing the class.  Her mind was racing and her stomach felt sick.  She missed her parents.  The safety of her home.  Ms. Yuuki.  She missed all of it so much.  

"Boom...Boom...Boom," Makoto began repeating to herself, quietly, lost in her thoughts and not paying attention to what was happening around her at all.  

The word "boom" came from the comic books that she would read with her father and was a word that she had a tendency to repeat, particularly, when she would get stressed or stuck in her own head.

"Boom...Boom...Boom...Boom."

Makoto kept repeating the words, now drawing the attention of some of the kids, who began looking at her funny because of the strange noise she was making while the teacher was trying to read.  The other students, who were looking at her, didn't faze Makoto in the slightest and she kept muttering the words to herself, quietly.

"Boom...Boom...Boom...Boo—"

"Shhhh!" one of the boys next to Makoto hushed, startling her.

The same boy pointed at the teacher that was still reading the book and put his finger to his lips, to indicate that Makoto needed to be quiet while the teacher read.  Makoto was embarrassed but was unsure of why the kid made the noise at him since she didn't realize she was doing anything distracting.  Guilt began to overcome Makoto and she felt horrible about herself for being such a bother.  The guilt combined with the embarrassment was enough to make her hunch over as far as she could and sob to herself so that the other students and teacher couldn't see her.  While she proceeded to cry to herself, some of the students that were sitting close to her noticed this.  One of the girls in the class raised her hand in concern.  

The female teacher, with light blue eyes and short, black hair, paused her reading and called on the student, who was raising her hand.  

"Yes, Savanah, what is it?" asked the teacher, remembering the girl's name from the roll call she had just done, before beginning to read.

"I-I think...Makoto is crying," Savanah pointed out, worriedly.  

The teacher turned her attention to Makoto, who was hunched over and a couple of other students made their way over to console her, in an attempt to make her feel better.

"Makoto, honey, why are you crying?" asked the teacher, causing Makoto to lift her head up, with dried tear marks all over her face.  

Despite the teacher and other students wanting to help Makoto, all of the attention on her only made her feel worse since she knew her crying was interrupting the class, further.

"I'm sorry for shushing you, Makoto," the boy, who had told Makoto to be quiet, said.  "I really didn't mean to make you cry."

Makoto attempted to get a hold of her crying the best she could but all of the extra attention only made her feel more awkward and caused her to keep crying, despite wanting to stop.  It was frustrating for her.  

"Makoto, this is a really hard day for all of the kids here," the teacher said as she got up from the stool she was sitting on, still holding the book in her hand.  

She made her way towards Makoto and squatted down so that she was on her level.  

"Do you miss your mom and dad?" the teacher asked.

Makoto nodded her head, yes.

"A-And...I-I want to g-go home," Makoto replied, honestly.  

The teacher chuckled to herself.

"I think all of the kids here want to go home, Makoto.  You definitely aren't the only one.  I promise you, though, school isn't as bad as you think it is.  You're going to have a lot of fun this year.  All of the students are."

Makoto, slowly, began getting a hold of her frantic crying.

"I-I'm sorry...for...making...noise," Makoto apologized.

The teacher looked at her funny.

"You were making noise?  Sweetheart, I didn't hear you making any noises.  You're perfectly fine.  You aren't in trouble or anything."

Makoto had, finally, stopped crying and was in the process of trying to calm herself down.

"You must have a tough time seeing the pictures in the book," realized the teacher, after seeing how far Makoto was sitting away from where she was reading from.  "Are you sure you don't want to sit closer?  The rest of the students don't bite...I'm pretty sure."

Makoto shook her head, no.

"I-It's okay. I-I'm f-fine, now."

"Alright then, let me know if there's anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable, Makoto.  That's what I'm here for."

The teacher stood back up and made her way back to her chair to continue reading.  Some of the other students continued to comfort Makoto, making sure that she was alright.  A part of Makoto appreciated the concern of the others.  Another part, however, wished, more than anything, that she was invisible at that moment and that no one had seen her cry in the first place. 

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"Alright, welcome to your first day of PE, little dudes...and little girls," started the kindergarten PE teacher as Makoto, along with the other kids, stared at him, blankly. 

A part of Makoto was relieved that she got a small break from being in her classroom.  The teacher was nice to her and the students were either understanding of her or ignored her, altogether. Although, spending so much time sitting in a chair and doing tasks that she wasn't used to did cause her a heavy amount of stress.  Another part of her though, was just as nervous since she wasn't quite sure what "PE" was and why she was in what looked like a gymnasium. 

"So, a lot of you look kind of confused and are probably wondering what PE is and why you aren't in your normal classroom, am I right?"

The PE teacher didn't get any kind of response from the students, just more blank stares, causing him to sigh. 

"Anyways, PE stands for Physical Education.  In this class, we're going to be doing a lot of moving around and learning about how our bodies work.  That sounds pretty cool, right?"

Once again, the only thing that the PE teacher got in the form of a reply from his students was awkward silence. 

"Tough crowd this year," the PE teacher mumbled under his breath.  "Okay, first things first, we're going to do a little ice breaker so I can get to know all of your names."

A shiver ran down Makoto's spine when she heard the word "ice breaker."  While the PE teacher walked away to get something, Makoto recalled how her kindergarten teacher had the class do an "ice breaker" as well and she hated every moment of it.  It was another way of saying that she had to introduce herself to the class.  Since she was the last one to introduce herself in her class, the worst part was actually the waiting, itself.  The nerves and butterflies in her stomach were enough to almost make her puke.  Thankfully, she didn't puke but she did stumble upon her name when she had said it in her class. Also, apparently, she had said it too quietly the first time and no one in the class could hear her so she had to say her name several more times in order for the whole class, including the teacher, to hear her.  Those same nerves and the same sick feeling returned to her stomach as she grew terrified of how she was going to have to introduce herself in PE.

The PE teacher returned with a big, red kick ball and smiled at the class.

"Okay, when I throw you the ball, first you have to catch it and then, you have to say your name and one cool thing about yourself," the PE teacher explained as he scanned the class to see which student he wanted to toss the ball to first. 

Eventually, he found a student and tossed the ball directly at Makoto, who panicked, immediately.  She attempted to catch the ball as best as she could but, unfortunately, failed, letting the ball slip out of her hands.  She then picked the ball up off of the floor and stared at the PE teacher, worriedly. 

"Oh, how about we try that one more time," said the PE teacher.  "Here, just throw me the ball.  I think you'll catch it next time for sure."

Makoto thought for a moment and then tried her best to toss the ball back to the PE teacher but the ball didn't travel far enough and hit the floor a couple of feet in front of her intended target.  After picking the ball up, he instructed Makoto to hold her arms out so she was better prepared to catch the ball.

"Okay, here it comes.  You got it this time."

The PE teacher tossed the ball, underhanded, and this time, the ball managed to make contact with Makoto's hands but, unfortunately, the ball bounced out of them, onto the floor, again.  Some of the other kids around Makoto began to look annoyed and grew impatient.  The PE teacher made Makoto toss the ball back to him and proceeded to have her try to catch the ball several more times, in the hopes that she would catch it.  Every attempt only made Makoto feel more humiliated and she could tell the other kids were getting annoyed with her.  Makoto swallowed her embarrassment and sadness because she didn't want to cry twice in a single day.  Luckily, the PE teacher gave up after five attempts.

"Okay, it's a work in progress.  Just watch, by the end of the year, you'll be able to catch that ball with no problem at all.  Now, go ahead and say your name and one cool thing about yourself."

One cool thing? Makoto thought to herself, struggling to think of anything. 

"M-Ma...Mak...Makoto," Makoto said, slightly louder than she did in her actual classroom since she didn't want to be forced to say it, again. 

"Well, hello Makoto, it's nice to meet you," returned the PE teacher.  "And what's one cool thing about you?"

"I-I...like to...make...comic books," Makoto answered, awkwardly, not being able to think of anything else. 

The other students looked at her funny for her response.

"Oh, that's cool and different," the PE teacher responded, smiling.  "Maybe, you'll be like a writer when you're older.  Thanks for sharing, Makoto."

Makoto tossed the ball back to the PE teacher and he repeated this process with the rest of the students and most of them were able to catch the ball without any problem at all which only made Makoto feel worse about herself. 

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"Okay, I would like you all to walk around the gymnasium at a speed you feel comfortable with," instructed the PE teacher. 

Makoto was already a bit fatigued from the "warm-up" that he had them do which she didn't enjoy at all and was bothered that she had to do more.

"Then, when you hear music, I would like you all to jog, like this."

The PE teacher demonstrated to the kids how to jog at a moderate speed and some of the kids around Makoto seemed excited for the opportunity to run around.  Makoto, on the other hand, frowned. She never ran around and rarely even found herself walking.  Both of these things had a tendency to cause her legs to hurt, especially her knees.  She recalled how much walking she had to do with her mother when they went clothes shopping and how much she complained when doing it. 

"Okay, ready...set...get walking!" hollered the PE teacher as all of the students, including Makoto, began walking around the gymnasium at various speeds. 

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Makoto walked the slowest among the students, not wanting to tire herself out, immediately.  As soon as she heard music start playing, she remembered what she was supposed to do and tried her best to start jogging alongside the other kids.  It only took about ten seconds for Makoto's legs to begin hurting from the running.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

Every time her toe touched the gymnasium floor due to her tendency to walk toe first, Makoto let out the same noise, expressing her pain which no one could hear since all of the students were so far ahead of her and the PE teacher was so far away from her.  The music stopped and Makoto returned to walking, this time even slower.  She paused for a moment to rest her legs and tried to force herself to keep walking.  She dreaded hearing the music start again and, of course, it didn't take long for it to.  As soon as the music began playing, she attempted to start jogging again but the pain in her legs was too much for her to handle and she stopped, completely.  She recalled what Ms. Yuuki taught her about using her words to tell others how she's feeling and decided to walk, slowly, towards the PE teacher, who looked at her, strangely.  He was confused at why she wasn't running with the other kids.  By the time Makoto reached the PE teacher, the music in the background stopped playing so that he could hear her.

"What's the matter, Makoto?" asked the PE teacher.

"H...hurts," Makoto replied, bluntly. 

"Oh, do you mean the running?  That's just because your body isn't used to it, yet.  It's normal for you to feel a little discomfort and soreness.  Your body will get used to it, though.  You got this.  I know you do."

Makoto was annoyed that the PE teacher wasn't listening and shook her head in disagreement.

"Hurts...too much. Need...rest."

After expressing herself, Makoto walked towards the center of the gymnasium, away from the PE teacher, before he could respond and sat down to rest her legs while the other kids kept walking.  Makoto could sense that the other kids were staring at her and this did bother her but she refused to do any more running.  Her legs were hurting bad enough from what she was already asked to do.  The PE teacher scratched the back of his neck, awkwardly, not knowing how to respond to this.

He chose to ignore Makoto and played the music, again, causing the other students to resume jogging. 

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Both her kindergarten class and PE had been tough for Makoto but now, it was time for lunch. Makoto walked into the school cafeteria, carrying her lunch box which contained the lunch that was already prepared for her.  Her parents had asked her if she wanted to try a school lunch and she immediately refused.  She liked the food her parents made for her and when she saw the line the kids had to wait in to obtain a school lunch, she knew she made the right decision.  Makoto saw a couple of different tables she could sit at and chose to sit at the very end of the third table, where no one else was. She, nervously, looked around her and opened her lunch box, taking out all of the food that was packed for her.  It seemed her father packed her favorite lunch which was cheese and crackers.  Her father separated the cheddar and Swiss cheese into different Tupperware containers just like she liked since Makoto hated when the two cheeses touched each other.  In the last Tupperware container, there was a relatively large stack of crackers because she didn't like when either of the cheeses touched the crackers, either.  The last thing she took out was a juice box which read "Fruit Punch" which was the only flavor of juice that she would actually drink.  As the rest of the students walked right by Makoto and sat on the other side of the table, she opened the container that had her cheddar cheese in it.  She then bit into the cheese three times, exactly, which she always did for cheese while for crackers, she would bite into each one four times, exactly.  Unlike most kids, Makoto preferred to eat her cheese, separately from her crackers and the more that students began sitting at Makoto's table, the more strange looks she would get. Makoto then picked up her juice box, ripped the straw off the back of it, removed the plastic from the straw and jammed it into the top of her juice box just like Ms. Yuuki had taught her.  She took a sip of her juice and counted for five seconds, exactly, before stopping.  Her table continued to fill up with more and more students and the more students that arrived at her table, the more anxious she became.  To her relief, none of the students ended up sitting right by her so she was able to enjoy her lunch without being too uncomfortable.  Makoto heard footsteps approaching her and it was the teacher aide from her kindergarten class.  She didn't know his name since he was usually busy helping the other students, who needed it more than her.

"Hey Makoto, I couldn't help but notice you're over here all by yourself," commented the teacher aide.  "Me and some other students are sitting together at that round table over there, if you would like to join us?"

Makoto looked over at the round table the teacher aide was referring to and saw the two other students that the aide worked with at the table, along with other students, who looked like special needs children as well. 

"I'm okay," Makoto replied, not feeling comfortable sitting that close to other kids.

"Well, if you change your mind, you can join us whenever you would like," the aide offered, before making his way back to the round table. 

Makoto stared at the kids at the round table with the aide and then at the kids at her table.  She felt...out of place.  She didn't feel like she belonged at the round table with the special need children but didn't feel like the other kids at her table would accept her, either.  That's why she decided that eating by herself was the best idea.  Makoto continued to eat her lunch in silence, avoiding eye contact with the students around her.

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After lunch, it was time for recess which involved Makoto going outside, behind the school, to play and run around.  Makoto watched as the other kids were playing with various sports related balls, playing games such as tag or simply just walking around, exploring with each other.  None of this looked like anything she wanted to do and she was too nervous to ask any of the kids if she could play.  Makoto made her way to the back wall of the school and sat in front of it, on the soft grass.  She leaned over, slightly, and began lightly tapping her knees as she watched the other students playing.  It was interesting to her, just watching the other kids play with one another.  To her, they seemed so happy...so happy that it made her question if she was weird for not wanting to play with them?  She contemplated this thought as she tapped her knees a little faster.  Eventually, she, temporarily, stopped tapping her knees as she came to a sad realization.

"I...w-wish Ms. Yuuki...was h-here," she said to herself, somberly. 

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"Makoto's had kind of a rough first day at school," explained Andy as he led me to Makoto's room.  "When I picked her up from school, she refused to talk about her day in any way."

Makes sense, I thought myself. 

"I've checked on her a couple of times before you arrived and she's just been lying in her room on the carpet.  I don't think she's watched tv or worked on her comic book.  She just seems really tired."

"Probably from all of the stress from her first day of school," I concluded as we reached Makoto's room.

"Well, let me know if there's anything I can help you with," Andy said.

"I should be fine," I replied.  "Hopefully, I'll be able to take her mind off of school a little."

As soon as Andy was gone, I opened the door to Makoto's room.  The light was on, at the very least, but just like her father had explained, Makoto was lying on the carpet, on her side, facing away from me. 

Makoto rolled over to her other side, so that she was facing me, due to the fact that she probably heard my voice on the other side of her door when I was talking to her father.  I waved at her as she stared at me, tiredly.  She replicated the action and, to my surprise, sat up.

"H-Hello, Ms. Yuuki," she greeted, sadly.

That was a pretty good greeting. 

"Hello to you as well, Makoto.  Your dad was telling me that you had a tough first day of school, huh?"

I walked over to her, holding my iPad and sat next to where she was sitting on the carpet. 

"I-I...don't...like school," Makoto claimed.  "I...don't...want to...go back."

"The first day is usually the toughest.  You'll get more used to going, the more you go," I convinced. 

Makoto shook her head in disagreement. 

"I-I'd...rather...be home."

"Yeah, I know you would.  Sometimes, work can be scary for me as well and there are days where I would just rather stay in my room, rather than go to work."

"Then...why...don't you?" asked Makoto.

"Hm...I guess...because I have kids that need my help...like you.  If I constantly stayed in the comfort of my room and never left, sure I would feel safer but it would prevent me from helping kiddos like you, who really need me.  If that becomes the case, it makes me feel as though, my anxiety is controlling my life.  Personally, I like to be in control of my own life, if I can.  Still, that doesn't prevent the anxiety from being there, unfortunately."

"That's...nice of you. You're...brave, Ms. Yuuki."

"No, I'm not brave," I responded.  "There are plenty of people that are way braver than me.  Most days, whether I'm at home or at work, I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety.  The fact that I still haven't overcome this anxiety at my age...is proof that I'm not brave.  You're way braver than me, Makoto.  The fact that you went to an entirely new place, today, and engaged in activities you've never done before...and talked to people you've never talked to before...that's real bravery.  So what if you're feeling a little scared, right now?  That doesn't take away from all of the great things you've accomplished, today, and all of the great things I know you'll accomplish, tomorrow, when you show me and your parents how brave you are, again."

"I-I...wish...you were...at the...school with me," Makoto said, looking at the carpet.

Be at the school?  Hm, it might be beneficial for Makoto to have some extra help in the school setting, especially because I'm not sure how much she's getting from teachers and the aides.  Although, that's something I have to talk about with my work, first.  Makoto has been doing really well in her home sessions.  Perhaps, I could convince my work to let me be with Makoto, earlier in the day at the school, and then have me work with a different client in the evenings?

"Hey Makoto, would you rather have me with you at the school or here at home?" I questioned, curious as to what Makoto's response would be.

She thought for a moment.  I expected the question to be a tough one for her so I wasn't surprised by her hesitation.

"I...think...the school," Makoto answered.  "I...need...more help...at school."

Hearing Makoto flat out say this was enough to convince me that talking to my work about assisting Makoto at the school was a good idea.

"Alright then.  Want to make a deal?  If you promise to keep going to school and doing your absolute best, I'll talk to my company and see if I can switch my hours around so that I can be with you at school, instead of the evenings.  How does that sound?"

For the first time since I had arrived that day, Makoto's expression shifted to a slightly more hopeful one.

"Y-Yes, I...I like...that deal.  Although...I wish...I could see you...all day."

The sentiment made me smile. 

"Now that we're done with all that school stuff, are you ready to begin session?"

Makoto nodded her head, yes. 

"How about, before session starts, you work on your comic a little?  I can watch you work on it, if you'd like?"

"O-Okay," Makoto replied, somewhat excitedly, as she made her way to her small table where the comic book, she was working on, was sitting.

This is why this job is one of the few things in my life that isn’t shit.  These kids are just…so strong…so much stronger than I ever could be.

 

Author's Note: Hello, thank you for reading this chapter!  I really wanted to focus on Makoto's school life in this chapter and some of the challenges she faces.  Autism can make the school setting an even more difficult environment for kids to function in and I really hope that's something I can keep exploring more in future chapters.  Thanks again for reading! 

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