Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Two days later, Steven was already getting so much better. He did get worse that night but ever since then, he was always improving.

Celeste hardly left his side, unless she absolutely had too.

It was like a reason for them to be able to be close, even though she might get sick but…As they both thought, when Steven got better, that was the end of it.

With that strange wall that was up, they didn’t venture any further with intimacy and after Steven was better, they also stopped hugging.

It was a bit awkward still, but it was like the world had returned and it wasn’t just them two anymore.

They had to catch up on chores for a while but about four days after jumping into that frozen lake, they decided to venture out to Forsuremeet.

 

It was a nice getaway for them both. They got away from everyday life and chores, to be able to be with each other in a different kind of way.

Picking up things like garlic, was a good idea while they were there but for a change, Celeste was in a leisure pace in the village. They looked at some stalls, not many were left anymore though, and even walked up to the hill close by to see what you could see from up there. From the hill, you couldn’t see much in two directions, because of the endless look of trees. One lot of trees lead out to somewhere Celeste called ‘Nopecarnot Forrest’, but in the distance, you could see the road that led out of the country and back into the country of Commorda.

It wasn’t the biggest of hills, but it was nice to finally put a picture of Melya in Steven’s mind. It was also obvious in what direction the capital of Melya went in from there…As there were villages that led up to there. If he had better eyesight, he’d be able to see the castle walls, but it was just too far away.

 

It was a sight indeed, but a thought got Steven’s attention and he went quiet for a bit while on the mountain. Having seen the road back to his home country, he suddenly realized that he hadn’t thought much about what was left behind.

He hadn’t really missed much except maybe his brother. That was it…

He didn’t miss any of his friends or teachers. He didn’t miss his old room and servants. Learning to become an heir…His father…The difference of locations, perhaps being able to take a carriage instead of walking…Nothing…

Remembering how he came here and thought he’d deserved to be a servant, Steven couldn’t help but think that he had indeed learnt so much by coming here.

It was hard to remember that he was probably still a prisoner…Wasn’t he?

There might not be any chains on him but…

No, he wasn’t a prisoner. Not really. He knew it, he could feel it.

Was he ever a prisoner?

Having looked at her, the pretty Princess at that moment was just looking out into the distance, perhaps he was a prisoner, just in another way.

Even if he had the chance to leave her, did he actually want to leave?

He could only take a deep breath in to realize that his feelings for her seemed to run quite deep…

 

They found out that they both like the same tea, Celeste liked it more though! They also found out that even if Steven could sit there and read medicinal books for an hour or two, she could sit by his side and do something else.

Their relationship was closer, yet at the same time, unable to close that distance to become somewhat real…It was like they were holding back from what they both desired yet unable to let go at the same time.

And that continued for another week as they laughed and played together, going into town and even swimming. They played games like children, Celeste enjoying it immensely, considering that she’d never played them before, and Steven didn’t care because it was like he was a boy at heart anyway.

For the most part they could venture out into a fantasy world where it was just them and they were somewhat full and content but…That wall always stopped them from getting too close.

 

***

 

“You don’t think I have anything to offer?” Steven asked.

Celeste sighed, giving him a plate to dry, “No, it’s not that. It’s just that…”
Just what? She asked herself. She plans to leave the fighting and any future works into someone else’s hands because she’s not going to be here…

Steven rolled his eyes, “Who’s the one that stops talking in the middle of sentences now!”

Glaring at him, Celeste said, “Don’t worry about this country!”

Looking away from her, Steven leaned against the cupboard, “So, in other words, as much as we know how much we like each other, and you tell me that you are looking towards a future where I could possibly be with you because you won’t be a princess anymore…It’s not my problem? It’s got nothing to do with me!?”

Celeste stopped and went to be in front of him, she put her hands on both sides of his face and made him look at her, “What if you were to be hurt? What if I was gone? What would you do!?”

 

Going quiet, Steven frowned. What does she mean by that!?

Celeste let her hands fall to her sides and felt like it was probably time to let him go.

She had never actually thought about those questions herself, but really…What would Steven do after he found out that she was dead?

She had to get him out of here! If he’s back in his own country, he might not hear about it anymore.

It was only one more week before she could find new news about the rebellion, what if it was ready and…

“What are you hiding, Celeste?” Steven asked. He felt it, that there was just something not being said…

Celeste took a deep breath and felt what she had when Steven would talk to her…Then, her heart hurt with the idea of not being with Steven…

Was she just going to not do what she had wanted for years now? To suddenly stay when for so long she had wanted to leave?

 

What about all that pain?

All the loneliness!

Wasn’t death something that she had longed for!? Why would it just suddenly change!?

She forced herself to remember the times when she had not even bothered with torches at night-time, that her night-time vision seemed pretty good because of it. All the time on how she didn’t even bathe…Because what was the point!? No one had cared in that time! No one had told her that she had been smelly

That…That she had nothing!

She always asked herself, did it matter? She had always asked, why her? Always asked herself why was she even born!?

Did all that time, and even before that when she hadn’t been alone, did it all account for nothing now?

Clenching her hands, Celeste felt like she’d be betraying herself if she didn’t follow through with her long-term desire…

 

“Celeste.” Steven urged her, unable to ask outright, only stopping at her name.

He pulled her into him and for the first time in days they embraced each other warmly.

It wasn’t like neither of them hadn’t wanted to, it was that damned wall…The somewhat obvious feeling that stopped them…Like they knew that the time that they had together would definitely come to an end. It was like they were too scared to love each other…

“Are you going to abandon me?” Steven asked. He didn’t want her to feel bad about it but, he also wanted to know. He had to prepare himself…

Celeste squeezed her eyes closed and felt tears want to come out.

With his question unanswered, Steven nodded, but still held her tighter.

It seemed that he will probably get abandoned and that the reason for it might have something to do with the rebellion…

 

He hardly remembered what she had said about it but now, now that his head was clearer, he knows that there’s something about that rebellion and their relationship. There was some sort of connection that he couldn’t see…

Was she going to be in front of a war or something? Was she thinking that she won’t survive?

Then, he finally asked himself, what would it be like if she were gone? Is she…Was she afraid of leaving him behind?

He wished they’d talk more about this, so that he could wrap his head around it, but everything felt vague with no clear answer, and it was starting to annoy him!

“Will that make you happy then?” Steven asked. Will it?

If it was something that she wanted…Would he do it for her?

He didn’t deserve her anyway, so…If she were to abandon him, it was probably best to have it in the open now.

“It’s ok, Celeste. Do what you want to do…” Steven took a deep breath but remembered how he felt back when he was homeless…How could he forget!?

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Is it going to be like that all over again now?

 

Celeste openly cried after that, holding onto him almost like she’d never see him again.

It was so obvious to Steven that he nearly cried himself. But he didn’t want her to see him so low. He really had no where to go. No one to…

What was he going to do without her?

She had feed him, put a roof over his head. She gave him meaning, life and filled such a hole inside of him. He questioned things now, he even worked and liked it. He…He was even thinking of being a real doctor…

But if she were to go…What does all that mean?

What was the point of doing all this when he had no one to share it with, no one…

 

Could he force the situation then? Not leave when she tells him to? Perhaps she wouldn’t hurt him in any way if he refused to go.

He could just continue to live here and do stuff for her, it would be better then having to leave and not knowing if she were safe or not.

At this point, he remembered how she acted when they had first met. How alone she was. That’s right, he thought, he remembered seeing something in her eyes and voice…A feeling that made him remember his mother when she…Before she had…

Despair…

That’s it, despair.

 

Holding the now quiet Celeste harder to himself, Steven nearly let out a mumble to his sudden suspicion of her feelings.

“What do you hope for Celeste? What do you want?” Steven asked.

Please tell me you no longer feel despair and that you are fine, Steven wanted to say. He wanted her to be fine so badly that he was going to insist on staying if she were to state otherwise!

“Hope?”

Celeste closed her eyes tightly for a moment, “Perhaps for you to have a good life.”

“No! I mean, what do you want for you!?” Steven asked.

What do I want? Celeste asked herself. It was more of a repeat to what Steven asked, then her asking herself, so it took her a moment to really ask herself that question…

Well, I got used to not wanting anything…Well, nothing beyond the necessities to survive…She started to think. What do I want?

 

Celeste was quiet…Too quiet for Steven and he was adamant after hearing this…He wasn’t going to leave her!

“I’m going to…”

Celeste interrupted him, “My answer is still the same.”

Steven kissed the top of her head, then sighed.

What do I do? Steven asked himself. She makes it out as though I’m important to her, yet at the same time, she’s going to abandon me!

“I’m freeing you, Steven. Grab what you need to survive for a couple of days and leave tomorrow morning.”

With that, Celeste let go, trying to walk as calmly as possible towards the stairs.

Steven watched her go, “…My answer is also the same…”

 

Putting her hand on the unstable rail beside the stairs, Celeste squeezed it in her hand and felt like her legs were so heavy that she could hardly move them.

I know you care for me, Steven, she thought.

That was more of a reason to let him go!

…Is this it? Celeste asked herself. Is this how I’m going to say goodbye to him? Is this the last time we met?

Celeste tried to stop herself from feeling anything as she reminded herself that Steven had to get used to not being around her anymore. Now or later, he was going to be without her, she was just trying to get him as far away from her as possible before a certain inevitable act became known to him…

Steven watched her go, without her looking back, and then took a deep breath in after she shut her door.

 

He let out a small curse to how he felt and got to work, simply because he didn’t want to think about anything else.

He didn’t want to feel how much he’d miss her, didn’t want to put her in a position where she’d be mad and unhappy if he were to stay. Well, he was pretty sure she’d probably beat him up, but he could have lived through it…She could punch him as much times as she liked if it made her feel better! But…

All he could do was…

Right! He thought suddenly, he could just stay at Forsuremeet!

He still had at least one book he could read there and there was a doctor there too, perhaps he could even learn a few things!

 

And…There might be a chance to see Celeste when she was to come into the town!

It’ll be fine!

…It’ll be fine…

Steven hated to borrow a loose type of basket, that he could use to hold things into. There was a total of two in the whole of the castle but…He had to use something…

He hated to take one of two water pouches too. They were sometimes hard to find…Really, he was just making things harder for her by doing this! Perhaps he should take nothing then?

Remembering the last time that he was homeless, Steven made a face. Going through bins and stealing, then sometimes there just wasn’t anything around or anything he could do with people there…

It really wasn’t a good idea to leave with nothing…

 

Finally, a good idea came to him to make him smile!

He will pay it back!

That was it, it was fine! He’ll pay it all back!

…He just wished that he wasn’t leaving…

He forced himself to pack food and drink, but he knew that he was leaving more behind then what he was taking with him!

Freeing me? He humphed, no, she wasn’t freeing me.

Did saying that make her feel better?

There was most definitely something that he was leaving behind!

She was a thief! First, she stole him from his country then…Stole his very soul from his body!

The days ahead were probably going to be a bit lonely…

 

Placing the basket, now full of things to keep him alive for a while outside, Steven sighed. Looking around his bed of this small castle, that did actually provide more then shelter for him, he really didn’t want to leave…

The problem was, he was having troubles with is wants, now looking at the close by area. Memories of her were everywhere in his short stay here and…

Even if he was meaning to see her in the future, the close future, if he didn’t leave now…He might not at all!

To uphold what she had told him to do, Steven quickly tidied things up and even picked a couple of things for dinner for her and put them on the kitchen bench…

Just one more thing before he walked away…

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