BuyMort: Rise of the Windowpuncher – How I Became the Accidental Warlord of Arizona. Apocalyptic GameLit

Chapter 38: Chapter 36


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When I found Rayna, it was near Spider City. She and Tollya were busy erecting a new fence around the area. It was all simple chicken wire and flimsy bamboo stakes, but it looked like a good enough deterrent for the guests. As I walked over to their work area, I waved and Tollya saw me first, slapping Rayna’s shoulder with the back of her hand. Rayna stood from her position in the dirt, wiping her hands off on her knees.

“Hello Tyson.” She raised a hand in greeting. “Work going good.” There she waved at the fencing. Tollya used a rock to pound in the next stake in their line.

I moved to help Rayna as she applied the chicken wire. It came on a hefty roll, and I held it in place for her as she pulled some free, to stretch between the stakes. Each stake was a quarter portion of split raw bamboo. Stacks of them were piled off to the side of the road, with a small hatchet from the destroyed shed sunk into the ground next to it. I guessed Rayna had bought the material herself, which made me want to pay her back quickly from the affiliate. I entered into the affiliate account and dug around until I found a nifty little button called reimburse. Selecting it, BuyMort immediately paid the costs to Rayna then took 1% itself as a user fee. I cursed.

That done, we went back to work stretching the fence. The process was simple. We split the bamboo, using a flat stone surface and the hatchet. Once it was split into quarters the entire length down, we cut the quarters into post sized stakes, cutting each length in half. Then Tollya bashed them into the ground with her rock, and we stretched chicken wire between them. Rayna had found a staple gun somewhere, I suspected Mr. Sada’s garage, and used it to secure the wire to the stakes. As we worked to encircle the area with chicken wire, we spoke about it.

“Should help them grow. Expand. Give us someplace to easily gather webbing for sale.” Rayna grunted as she stretched the wire taught.

I stared at her. “That is brilliant Rayna, thank you.”

She nodded. “Not going to do much more, because . . . well, spiders. But yes, this should help get started.”

I chuckled as she stapled the wire to the stake. It was my chance to lean on the wire bale. She had me hefting it behind them. “Yeah, I don’t blame you. They were just dangerous pests here before BuyMort. I wonder who’s buying them.”

Rayna shrugged, wiggling the stake to ensure it was solid. When it barely jiggled in response, she nodded, and we moved to the next. “Research affiliates, with those prices. The church, Dearth Conglomerate, many others all have research departments. New products from new planets is big business.”

I huffed as I dropped the heavy bale of wire at our next location. “So, they’re studying our spiders?”

“For now, yes. If you see prices spike, that usually means they found a new product to make from them. If they fall, likely more ranches selling.” She stopped hauling on the wire to make it tight and sighed. “Of course, silk always in demand. This is a good ranch. We can build a life here.”

I sighed. “Yeah. Maybe. Look, we got more problems to talk about.” When she looked up at me, one eyebrow raised, I continued. “The Sleem. We have an infestation.”

Rayna pursed her lips and nodded. “Yes. Yes, that must be dealt with.” There she stopped and put her hands on her hips. “We need gear. We have very little that can hurt them.”

“What about those rifles you guys picked up the other night? I thought they were plasma?” I scratched my head, looking around for spiders suddenly. Being this close to Spider City freaked me out, and every random itch became a threat.

“Yes. Ammo very expensive. We are saving them for emergencies right now. If you want though, we can use them against the Sleem. Effective, but not the best.” There she shook her head and scowled. “The RavenWing mercs today had bolters. Fires superheated slag. That would hurt the Sleem.” She glanced up at me. “Expensive.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I was expecting you to tell me that. Hey, what happened to the fire extinguisher I gave you guys?”

Tollya finished banging a stake in and answered me. “Gone. Used up.” She picked up another stake and moved down the line.

Rayna nodded. “While you were gone, Sleem attack the new people. We chase them off, but they stole some food.”

I sighed. “Where the hell are they coming from?”

Tollya grunted. “Stink pipes.” She began banging on her next stake with the rock.

I narrowed my eyes. “Stink pipes. The sewer. Dammit, every site has sewer hook-ups. This place is built for these guys! We gotta do something.”

The gobbs were working nearby, under the direction of another hobb. It was a much smaller group this time, as they had only a section of the wall to complete. Rayna pointed at them and shrugged. “We get gobbs to seal all the stink pipes. Sleem find another way, but this helps slow them down.”

I blinked and looked between her and the gobbs. “That will work? Just sealing the pipes?”

Rayna held up a hand. “Yes, Sleem dangerous. But stupid,” she said. She started stretching the next portion of fencing and I leaned into it with the bale to help. “They think Mr. Sada lets them stay, so they won’t be too aggressive here. Only the young ones. Those the dumbest. They explore the most.”

Tollya chuckled over her rock. “Watch out for cubes. Cubes not stupid.”

Rayna’s eyes widened and she nodded vigorously. “Yes. Very true. Cubes are dangerous, and orbs are even almost smart.”

“What will they do?” I asked.

She stapled the latest stretch of chicken wire in place and looked up at me. “At first, not much. Young ones pop up, steal things, attack the weak. We can handle that,” she assured me. Then she shook her head and shrugged. “But they breed. Start attacking nearby places. Use this as home base. Eventually, though . . . they attack us in force. If that happens, we likely lose the campground. If we survive. Sleem are dangerous.”

Tollya chuckled behind us. “Good thing they stupid.”

I looked between the two of them and paled. “They outsmarted our boss, Mr. Sada.”

Tollya stopped chuckling at that. She and Rayna shared a concerned look before she nodded at me. “Fine. Nothing to worry about, we kill Sleem often.”

Rayna looked up in thought, then nodded and went back to work on the wire. “Sure. Be fine. Just need weapons and upgrades.”

I smiled and sighed, thinking back to that first day and that first slime. I was kind of looking forward to wiping them out. Just then, my stomach rumbled. The physical exertion had made me hungry again, and that made sense. My breakfast had been coffee, and my lunch had been several delightful bananas from the Sundew Valley Foods commune. That made me think of all the food I had crammed in the golf cart at Mr. Sada’s, and I started fantasizing about dinner. It was so good to not have to worry about the Mortie cost.

Still, before we finished surrounding the entire area of Spider City in a chicken wire fence, I went and sold the contents of a tree near the back. Or rather, I tried to, and something interesting and bizarre happened. As the BuyMort pod was approaching, it raced along above the desert, as they always did. The pods typically kept an altitude of about a dozen feet in the air, before dipping in to hover at face level.

This time, as the pod approached, part of it exploded outward. It burst in a shower of black composite and shining metal, as green circuit board fragments colored the air. Then I heard the gunshot, as it rolled across the desert all around me. I ducked as the pod began a very halfhearted version of its evasive routine, before spitting a cloud of sparks and falling to the ground.

Tollya shook her head from nearby. She had her shotgun resting over her shoulder, as Rayna stared through her binoculars. “Over there boss.” Tollya grunted, raising a hand and lazily pointing.

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Atop a nearby ridge, I could see the glint of a weapon. Then the surrounding scrub moved, and I made out a face. It was human, wearing desert camo colors. As I watched, he stood and waved his long rifle at us. I could hear his laughter echo across to us.

Rayna shook her head and sighed. “And humans think hobbs stupid.”

Tollya barked a single laugh at the sky and nodded. “He killed himself. Not even know.”

I stared in confusion, but within a few seconds, an interdimensional BuyMort pod ripped into existence at the man’s side and what looked like a giant tongue flopped out of its beam. It was some kind of massive, orange version of a sea cucumber, complete with delicate waving tendrils erupting from its far end. The man, who was clearly a militia member now that I could see him better, gave a short scream and yanked his sidearm. Several gunshots echoed across to us, as the chunk of mobile alien tongue rose up high above him before slapping down to the ground with a cloud of dust. The man’s scream was cut short. 

“That not how that work.” Tollya grunted. She shook her head again and turned to get back to work. “Dirty Sleem trick anyway.”

Rayna nodded and grunted in approval. She and I watched the thing up on the hill as it ground and undulated on the ridge. When she glanced at me and noted my confusion, she explained over her shoulder. “He tried to ambush us by attacking our pod. But pods scan their attackers, not just whoever nearby. Killed himself, like Tollya say.” She shrugged. “That bug worth something, dead. Easy to hunt. Tollya and I go get it after this done. Need to sweep for more militia anyway.”

I blinked a few times and let out a breath. “Well, glad to see the militia that clearly wants me dead is as incompetent as I expected them to be. That’s something, at least.” I turned back to the pod and my attempt to sell some spiders, since there was nothing more to be done. The BuyMort bug was eating whatever pulp was left of the militia sniper, its little snaky tendrils lifting crushed portions of the body to its innards.

The pod nearby was still sparking internally, and a thin waft of smoke rose from its ruptured innards. As I turned to look at it, I noticed another normal pod racing toward me behind it, and BuyMort popped up a notification. It explained that my pod had been attacked in transit, but another pod had been dispatched. The next pod swooped in, warped away the first pod, and then got to work selling my spiderwebs and spiderweb related products.

My affiliate page arose automatically, making me wince. I was used to pop-ups and sales pages, but the dark yellow tan of it was a sharp contrast to the clear blue horizon and it played tricks on my eyes. I wasn't at all upset, though. I had wanted it up after all, I just really didn’t like how invasive this thing was.

And I saw a new tab, blinking off to the side. The label read Commodities in Dark Black Bold font. I clicked it.

Additionally, there seemed to be an option to select each commodity and zoom into the specifics of those various markets.

Silk was up. Way up, for undamaged. That was encouraging, if what Rayna said was true about product creation and demand. I wondered briefly as I boggled at the morties rolling in what the silk was being used to craft but shrugged. Probably alien boxer shorts for the rich or something. An ad popped up, showing me exactly what I had thought of. Alien boxer shorts made with newly acquired Earth spider silk, along with other silk clothing options. I swiped it away and frowned. Then another ad popped up, this time for a weapon. A garrot, made from newly acquired Earth Black Widow spider silk. It claimed to be from the most dangerous spider on Nu Earth, which apparently they all called us in this dimension spanning civilization.

“Black widows are not that dangerous, what the hell.” I muttered. Still, the single male widow on the tree had still sold for over two million morties, and their webbing was now listed separately as well, at a significantly higher value than the orb weavers. Still, I had to be impressed by the orb weaver count at the end. They made up for their lower cost in bulk, and they sold for a very respectable sixty-five thousand if in good health. I didn’t sell any eggs this time, which actually made me happy. I was getting a great paycheck here anyway, for the affiliate. Eggs felt like a rainy day item, and an easy way to damage my own affiliate if any of these companies buying them were half way smart. I had made sure to only sell the male spiders, keeping the egg layers for my own affiliate.

At the end of my sales page, the total I had acquired for the affiliate was three million, four hundred and eighty thousand morties. Most of that went to Mr. Sada, but I was happy with it and returned to the hobbs when I was finished. We had finished the labor of building the fence and were retreating to find something to eat.

After I watched them hunt the land cucumber BuyMort had dropped, I had invited all the hobbs to eat from our stash at Mr. Sada’s, and Rayna was off to retrieve them. Tollya walked with me as escort. I felt weird, having a bodyguard, but Rayna had insisted, and she was honestly smarter than me anyway, so I just listened to her. When I thought about what the spiders were going to eventually do to that chicken wire, I couldn’t help but appreciate her particular genius. She was setting us up with a natural loom that could be effectively collected all at once with a BuyMort sale. So, when she told Tollya to walk me home, I didn’t complain to her. It was getting dark after all, and we still had Sleem to worry about, not to mention the militia jerks creeping around. Rayna was clearly smarter than me in a lot of ways, so it seemed like a good idea to listen to her.

Once back at Mr. Sada’s, the hobbs who attended our dinner feast gathered all the groceries from the garage and laid them out on the kitchen table. We had a ton of produce, as I had expected. Three large pumpkins, four dozen zucchini, an entire basket of mixed lettuces, fresh fruit, and so much more. I grabbed a mango and bit into it while the hobbs debated and decided what to eat. They had their own rations still, but food was part of their contract here. Feeding them was going to become a challenge, even with Sundew Valley Foods in our corner.

I leaned across the counter and snatched up another banana before they were all claimed. I wanted to make a peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich for dinner. Don’t judge me, I have a child’s palate. Aside from my favorite, spaghetti and meatballs, a peanut butter sandwich of almost any variety managed to bring delight to my soul, and I knew for a fact Mr. Sada bought the good stuff from the hippy commune. They hadn’t included any, and I wondered why for a moment before shrugging it off. I could always ask for it the next time I went.

Which was looking like it might be the very next day. What wasn’t getting devoured casually in front of me was being bundled up in large jute bags. I assumed they were saving some for the hobbs out on shift, but the clear intention was to eat literally everything we had been given that day. The only thing they left untouched on the smell of them was a pile of radishes. As I watched, Tollya bit a cucumber in half and crunched it up happily. “Good!” she grunted, waving the last half of it at Rayna across the counter. The hobb tossed the other half of the vegetable into Rayna’s mouth from across the counter and began digging through the assorted produce to find another.

A hobb headed for the exit with a bag full of food, and I stepped in front of him when I saw the pumpkin on top of the pile. “Oh, hold on guys!” I said. Every hobb in the room whipped their heads around and stared at me. I again flinched at the life they must have led before Earth but pushed it away. “I need the seeds from these fruits.” To illustrate, I lifted the pumpkin. “The flesh and meat are good too, you can eat it all but the stem if you want. Just please save me the seeds, there’s a lot of ‘em.”

All the hobbs grunted in agreement, and I placed the pumpkin back on the bag with a smile. The hobb hauled their sack of food away, to deliver it to a friend on shift. Someone had to protect Molls and the guests, but I was glad to see them getting some dinner. My affiliate felt like it was running smoothly, in spite of the challenges and hiccups we’d had. I got a ping that the gobbs work crew contract had completed, and the wall was complete. Before dark, as I had hoped. They were warping out under supervision. I took some time and reveled in my sandwich on Mr. Sada’s couch, browsing BuyMort for anti-Sleem weaponry. I was getting frustrated with the basic search system when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

I pulled it out to see the picture of Molls in the attic, looking out the window, and smiled. I swiped to answer and saw her face from inside the Lincoln. Her device was wedged in the back of the seat, and facing her, zoomed in on her face and hood, with just a hint of her upper body in frame. She was yawning and covered her mouth with a hand as I accepted the call. “Oh Tyson,” she said, swallowing the last half of her yawn. “Hello.”

“Good evening Molls, I’m glad to see you awake. Are you feeling okay?” I asked.

She scratched at the back of her hood and yawned again, this time letting it happen all the way. “Yes, but I have no idea what happened. Did I sleep the whole day away?”

I smiled at how cute she was when she was tired and shook my head. “No Molls, we were attacked. They darted you with something and took the rest of us captive. Nobody was hurt badly, but I was worried about you all day. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

Molls raised a glass bottle filled with light blue liquid to the camera. “I’m a little thirsty, but I have my juice. I’m alright, really. Thank you for your concern. Darted? Who would dare attack the church?”

I explained the situation to her. Told her all about Darclau and his unkindness of ravens, how they had taken the camp over a misunderstanding and were working with us now. When I described the mercenaries, she scoffed.

“Well, that’s typical. RavenClaw mercenaries are terrified of Nah’gh . . . like me.” She huffed. “I was expecting it to be rough out here, but this is crossing a line. I may file a complaint with BuyMortMercMart on behalf of the Church.”

I smiled again. “It’s good to see you awake Molls. I’m glad you’re okay.” When her scales flushed pink at my words, I quickly changed the subject. “The wall got finished tonight, so the campground should be safe from any further attacks. Garthrust was pissy you wouldn’t see him, but I told him you would reschedule. Oh, and there’s some produce here if you’re interested.” I glanced over my shoulder at the counter. “I think the hobbs left a little anyway.”

Molls smiled and the color in her scales faded to a light purple. “Thank you, but I shall pass. I don’t enjoy vegetables. The occasional fruit, yes, but not vegetables.” She reached for her device again and plucked it from the seat back. I was gifted a very brief and motion sickness-inducing view of her cleavage before she righted the device and began playing with it while she spoke to me, tapping at the edges of the screen with her fingers. “I will reschedule with Garthrust, immediately. That’s an important meeting.”

I nodded. “Well, just let BlueCleave know when he’s coming, please,” I said. A smile rose to my lips unbidden. “I may have ticked him off, just so you’re prepared. I don’t think he likes me.”

Molls smiled again, her scales deepening in purple. “Well, I had misconceptions about you the first time we met as well. I’m sure he’ll come around.”

“Appreciate the optimism Molls.” I said with a gentle smile.

She glanced back at my face and then turned to her task with a similar smile. “I have to go now, Tyson, and arrange that. Thank you for keeping me informed and have a good night.” She yawned again, flushing pink as she did so. “Oh sorry. I am so tired.”

“Good night Molls. I’ll see you tomorrow, assuming the Sleem don’t get me,” I said. She laughed and shook her head but hung up anyway. The image that remained on my screen was a still shot of Molls’ cleavage, from the instant she had turned the device upside down. Her purple tinged breast tops lingered with an outline of gray fog as I bit my lip. “No, don’t save that. I want her image to be the one in the window.” The phone changed back and then closed itself. A ghostly image of the fog shrouded head faded, but not before I could see that he was glaring at me in disdain again. I shoved the phone in my pocket and ignored him. There were Sleem to manage.

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