Chapter 12: Chapter 10: Selfish Mistake

“Bye Iven, I’ll see you at school,” Alisa waved goodbye as she walked away with her parents. 

 

We both went to table tennis for a good hour before my mom found us and told us that it was time to eat dinner and called down the rest of the kids hanging out in my room. 

 

Had a nice dinner together with everyone while I sat next to Alisa. Once we all finished, apparently, Alisa had to go home because her parents decided to go home as it was already getting late at around nine in the evening. 

 

My other cousins, like Raedan, are still here. Instead of continuing their game in my room, they all switched to playing basketball outside. In contrast, all the adults continued their drinking party. 

 

“…” I sighed as I contemplated what to do next. 

 

Usually, I’d go back to my room and sleep as I would’ve been tired, but that intense table tennis match I had with Alisa kind of fired me up so that I still have some adrenaline rush active. 

 

I had fun. 

 

I really had fun with her. 

 

That was the most fun I had had in a long while, and I wanted to continue, but now that she had left, there was no choice but to let this adrenaline die out. 

 

Acting mature for my age, I turned around, slightly disappointed, and started walking towards my front door. 

 

“Iven.” However, someone had called out to me. 

 

“Huh?” I turned around only to see a girl with shoulder-length black hair and black eyes, wearing a teal hoodie and some grey jogging pants. 

 

One of the neighbor’s kids was a girl three years younger than me. Her name was Frederica De Guzman, nicknamed Erica. 

 

“Could I return the book to you now?” Erica asked. 

 

“Ah sure,” I replied. 

 

“Alright, just wait there while I go get it from my house,” Erica said as she ran to her house while I stood there. 

 

“I haven’t spoken to her in a while….” I muttered under my breath. 

 

In a way, Frederica was just as unique a person to me as Alisa. 

 

“Here you are,” Erica voiced as she handed me the book. 

 

“Okay…” I responded as I turned around once again. 

 

“Wait…” 

 

“What is it?” Without turning around, I immediately replied. 

 

“Could you give me the next volume?”

 

Again…? I thought.

 

“Hey, are you enjoying this series?” 

 

“Yeah, I am, I can see why it’d be your favorite.” 

 

“Hm… I see, then just wait there and I’ll go grab it.” 

 

“Thanks,” Erica uttered as I walked into my house and went to my room. 

 

The reason why my s̴̡̛̛̠̤̰̠͖̟̿́͋ȇ̶̱̒̆̌l̶̢̛̛̞̠̪͔̆̓̌̏̑͑̉̐͌̀̚͝f̵̡̡̡͉̝̗̊͒̒ï̶̢̜͎̘̞̊͒́̓̍͘ͅs̴̨̛͇͇͎̻̰̰̹̀̇͒̒͒̋́̑͆̿͘͘ḩ̴̢̡̗̯̼͖̩͉̲̱̜̭̩͆n̶̢̘̱̞͎̜̖̣̪͋̽̔͑̃͂̚͠ͅé̵̺͗͝s̴̤̒̀̔̉͊͗̕s̵̡͈̹͙͚͇͍̬̮͚̰͍̲̪̉̃̓̉̈̆͒͌ had been going rampant this past couple of months was all because of h̵̳̱̳̣̘̗̠̫̲̤̒̓̉͑̀̽̓̄̓ͅe̶͖̖̟̬̪̥͐̍̌̈́̒́̋̇̊̈̕͠͠ř̷̛͚͇̄͊̍̉͒̆̂̇͠͠. 

 

Before I moved to this place… this country, I was on the edge of getting the knife into my chest. Life had no meaning for me anymore; there was no reason to live if all I did was get hurt. 

 

That’s why the only safe space for me back then was the 2-d world, which still is today. My life outside of it was shallow to the point where I’d have nothing to worry about, but then the day to move had come, and I moved in here. 

 

The trip was exhausting, but once I got here, I met h̵̳̱̳̣̘̗̠̫̲̤̒̓̉͑̀̽̓̄̓ͅe̶͖̖̟̬̪̥͐̍̌̈́̒́̋̇̊̈̕͠͠ř̷̛͚͇̄͊̍̉͒̆̂̇͠͠.

 

Erica asked if we could exchange contacts, so we did, as I didn’t mind. 

But looking back on it now, that was a mistake. 

 

A mistake that never should’ve been. 

 

Moving to this country and leaving the past behind my old one was something I should’ve done; my mind was healing in a way that I was slowly starting not to worry about being selfish at all. 

 

Laughable as I was, a part of me believed that I could’ve done it. 

Starting a new life in a place where nearly no one knew who the old me was. 

 

A few days later, after Erica and I exchanged contacts, we texted each other. 

The topics we discussed were primarily things ordinary people would differ if they were still new to each other, like our hobbies, what we like to do, our personality traits, and all the basic questions you’d ask a new friend. 

 

And I even lent her some books to read. 

 

Everything was going well until two weeks later. 

 

It was late at night, and I was already lying-in bed browsing the internet on my phone before I slept when suddenly, Erica messaged me. 

 

The conversation started off average but then went in a weird direction. 

 

Erica was asking me something about whether she should say something to me or not, and reading too much into it as I was, I assumed that I had done something and replied that I won’t mind whatever she was going to say about me. 

 

I accepted that she would likely complain about something related to me. 

It was weird that she would do it directly and not behind my back. Still, nonetheless, this strange conversation had continued. 

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As I was messing around on the messaging app, I accidentally clicked on her ‘about me’ and saw that it had changed. 

 

Written on it were the words “I like you and I don’t even know why.” 

 

I screenshotted the profile and sent it to her, asking if this was it. 

 

After a back-n-forth conversation of her denying it, I texted her that I was going to sleep and put down my phone. 

 

The following day when I woke up, I saw the message notifications telling me that she liked me and if she wanted to go out with me. 

 

I was shocked and laughed it off, telling myself that it was probably some cruel joke, but talking to her later that day made me realize it was an honest confession. 

 

I was scared… I didn’t want to acknowledge it. 

 

There’s no way someone would go out with a person like me. 

 

Along with panicking and saying random crap, I rejected her with that as my reason. I’m done with romantic relationships.

 

I didn’t want to get hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt her, so this was for the best. 

 

I should’ve left it at that, but for the next two weeks, alongside our everyday lightweight conversations, there were also the heavy ones. 

 

I slightly opened my heart to her and leaked out some of my actual thoughts; thinking about it over and over, I asked her to be my little sister because I didn’t want to be alone. 

 

Seeing her comforting response after the fact, I immediately retracted what I said and apologized over and over. 

 

I asked if she was mad, and she was. 

 

I did it again… I hurt and troubled another person because of my ṣ̷̡̨̘̳̯̫̘̹̰̰̩̠͗́̀̓͑͐̃͗͘e̸̡̒̎͂̓̎̐̌̌͑l̶͓̲̤̜̠̠̮̏̓̐ͅͅf̴̢̝̖͔͎̬̹̹̳͙̍̉͊̉̉͑̽̈̇̄̓͝ȉ̵̧̠̜̳̹̭̻͖͙̎̾͒̋͋̐͆̅̅̍͜͠s̵̨̛̙̘͔͓̑̀̄̐̕͘͠͝h̵̡̢̬͍̠̜̦͉͂̈͐̈́͂̂́̆̋̅̓̅̂ņ̴̢̫͖̳͈͇̻̯̝̋́é̶̡͈̰͈͈̫͇̋s̶̬̝̬̗̱͖͈̯͇̝̖̞̦̽̌̎ͅͅs̸͕̙͓̩̫̯̮̹̤̥̬̜͝… 

I’m a horrible person… 

 

Once we both apologized after I insisted that it was all my fault, we told each other that it was water under the bridge. We could still talk usually to each other. 

 

It’s been some weeks since we last spoke. 

 

With that event, I destroyed any chance of beginning a new life without the past behind my back. 

 

Because of the internal backlash, I received from it… it eventually led me to fantasize about becoming closer with Alisa, my cousin and a blood relative. 

 

If I couldn’t get an unofficial stepsister, I thought I’d try for something close to a real one. 

 

I’m insane… 

 

The 2d world couldn’t hold me back; subconsciously, I couldn’t be satisfied with it alone anymore as if I were asking to get hurt. 

 

But…

 

It wasn’t Erica’s fault at all. 

 

It’s mine. 

 

I should’ve ended it when I rejected her, but instead, her confession got into my head, making me do all sorts of things. 

 

That’s why all of it is my fault. 

 

***

“Here,” I voiced as I handed Erica the next volume of the series she had been reading. “Make sure to actually return it when you finish reading.” 

 

“Got it,” Erica replied as I turned around. 

 

“And I’m sorry….” Erica mentioned as I stopped in my tracks.

 

“What for?” I asked. 

 

“I know I said we could talk normally like we did before and after the rejection, but even for someone as weird as me, that was a little bit impossible for me.” 

 

“Right…” 

 

“So, let’s talk again… okay?” 

 

“…” I sighed, “as long as you message first, I’ll reply, that’s it.” 

 

And with that, I went back inside my house and up to my room, mentally drained. 

“Ugh… I’m tired,” I grumbled as I rolled around my bed. 

 

What a way to end the night; instead of ending it happily, I’m reminded of my failure. 

I thought. 

 

Oh well… it doesn’t matter; if things go well with Alisa, that wound will eventually heal. 

 

 

Her light… will change me. 

 

 

Someone as terrible as me might change… 

 

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