Chapter 18: Chapter 16: Cost of Happiness

"I see, so it's already that time…." I uttered as I tightly clenched my right fist. 

"Yes, it has been a month after all…." Lilith said.  

"So, what do you want?" I asked. 

"It's simple, in exchange for keeping those and eyes and its effects, I want." 

 

"I want you to kill for me…." 

 

Kill… that's… ah.

I blinked thrice and widened my eyes, confused about what Lilith had just said. "Kill? What do you mean?" 

"It's just like what I said; I need you to kill other humans for me, at least once every three days." 

"Why?!" Killing another person… I don't know why, but I was shaking at the thought of me doing such a thing. 

"Those eyes aren't exactly common, you know. Weak its effects may be, it's still a chaos eye," Lilith voiced. "I'm simply asking for an equivalent exchange, so what do you say?" 

 

"Like hell, I'll accept…!" I raised my voice as I snapped. "For the past few years, my heart's been a mess because of what I did; I hurt people and got hurt in return; ever since then, the guilt has been piling up and up until no number of apologies could ever get rid of it…!" 

 

"Killing other humans, becoming a serial killer, that's… something I could never do. I'd exactly be doing what I wanted to avoid in the first place…." 

That's right… hurting more people isn't an option; I could never hurt more for my own gain, my selfishness. 

For the past month, I've slowly been slipping back into my old self, the selfish idiot who doesn't care who he hurts as long as he alone is happy.

I've been receiving precious feelings that I don't deserve. 

I've been receiving happiness that I don't deserve. 

 

For trash like me, that was enough of a miracle, and I've had enough to cherish it for one lifetime. Indulging in false happiness is the height of stupidity and selfishness. 

 

"So, you'll decline?" Lilith voiced, shifting from a stoic face to a slight frown. 

"I…I don't know, I don't know what to do…." 

I'm a sick bastard…. If I still had any good morals left within me, I should decline this immediately. Still, I'm actually considering murdering people for my own selfish happiness. 

This won't do… 

…I need to end myself before that happens. 

Over my dead body, will I get caught slaughtering innocent people? 

 

"I'll decline…." I voiced. "There's…. There's no way I could murder someone; I know I'm so damn selfish, but…! I don't want to lose the last remaining bits of humanity inside me. I don't want to become a complete monster." 

 

"Is that so?" Lilith spoke. "Even if I tell you the happiness you received will disappear?" 

"That's…!" 

"If you insist that you decline my offer, my contract to become a killer, then the world will revert back to the moments before you received those eyes and the happiness of being by the side of the one you love so much will disappear completely from both your body and mind." 

"…What do you mean by revert?

"It's exactly as I said, the joys you have experienced using those eyes will vanish as if they didn't exist, and you'll be forced to live the way before you had them, so will you still reject me?" 

 

"Ah, ahhhhhhhhh!" I drop down on my knees with my hands on my head. 

I was going insane. It hurts. My recent memories of being with Alisa are precious… I don't want them to disappear; I want to cherish those memories more… I want to be reminded that I… I won't forever be alone. 

But that's selfish. 

Over and over, I'm selfish time and time again. 

There's no end to my selfishness. 

I knew I should've ended this life before it came to this. 

I'm an idiot. If only I ended my fleeting, miserable life, then… no one would get hurt. I won't have to take anyone's life. 

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"Yeah, that's why there's never a time spent with you where it's boring. You always brighten up the mood in any place." Alisa's words ring loudly through my hollow head. 

 

"Ah…!" 

 

"Let's see, well, first of all you're nice, really nice." 

 

"Stop! Stop! Stop…it! Don't remind me of her…." I uttered as my memories spent with Alisa playback through my mind. 

Memories that would soon disappear should I continue to reject Lilith. 

 

Suddenly, I hear footsteps. 

Calming down and raising my head slightly, I could see Lilith walking toward me. "Eh…?" 

"Stand up." 

"Ah, sorry…" I replied as I did what I was told and stood up. 

"Look here, Iven, in my eyes," I nodded and stared at her deep crimson eyes. 

"Kill for me and end your suffering," Lilith voiced. "This is the only path for you to become happy; cast away your guilt and shame; only then will you end your suffering." 

"No, I can't be selfish… I can't hurt other people." 

"Why can't you hurt other people when they hurt you so much? It's only natural for you to become selfish about your happiness." 

"No, no, no…." I grasp my head and start to stumble back a little. "Don't come near me, don't mess with my head…." 

"…" Lilith sighs. "What a waste… I understand now how difficult your types are." 

"I'll ask you again, will you accept?" Lilith looked straight at me as she held out her hand. 

 

Seeing this, I stand my ground and try to set my mind somewhat straight. "I…" 

"I won't ever accept; keeping my happiness at the cost of others' lives isn't worth it." 

"That's your final answer, yes?" With a disappointed look, Lilith asked to confirm one more time. 

"Yes," I replied. 

 

This is what I've decided on; there's no more going back. 

I'm not precisely sane in mind anymore, but… the weight of my heart becoming heavier at the cost of my selfish happiness isn't worth it. 

I don't want to go through that. 

It's not worth balancing the ultimate happiness; after all, It's fake; the happiness started by supernatural abilities. 

 

"Then, goodbye," Lilith voiced with a cold tone. "May we meet again." 

The next moment, I was engulfed in a flash of massive bright light. 

The scenery of that world had disappeared. 

 

***

I woke up and opened my eyes to a familiar white ceiling. I was back in my room. 

Rubbing my eyes for a few moments and then sitting up straight, I noticed tears flowing down my cheeks. "Eh?" I uttered in confusion. 

I was crying…? I thought as I wiped away my own tears. 

I don't know if it was because I just woke up, but… my heart feels emptier than usual. The feeling of emptiness was a tad bit stronger than I'm used to feeling. 

Suddenly, my phone alarm goes off, and I quickly put it down the next moment. 

"Oh well, I probably had a bad dream or something," I muttered as I got off my bed and promptly started my day as usual. 

 

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