Chapter 1: Chapter 1. Falling Crow strikes Slacker’s head.

Prologue: A Raven is stripped of his glorious Luster and is cast ignobly to the Mundane World to dwell forevermore in shame. This is the Price of crossing the Dark Lord.

Far from the lands where the mortal races dwelled, past the peaks of the highest mountains, within the endless expanse of the boundless sky itself, there existed: the celestial realm.

The celestial realm was a place of endless glory, beauty, and eternal delights, where no one knew death and where the greatest mysteries of the universe were pondered by the wisest and most powerful of men and women.

Only the most strident adherents of the eternal Dao could ascend to this heavenly kingdom: it was the second to last step on the path to true godhood, but for most of the chosen few who dwelled within it, the celestial realm was more than enough, for admittance into it guaranteed the one thing all cultivators sought above all else: true eternal life.

What is a cultivator? A cultivator is a tiny seed that seeks one day to become a massive tree. No. That is not descriptive enough. It was more accurate to say that a cultivator was a grain of sand that sought one day to become a towering mountain. Or perhaps, to encompass the entirety of the world itself. Was that too bold a description? Perhaps so. But this was the necessary mentality for those who would challenge their place in the hierarchy of heaven’s design.

To be a cultivator was to know ambition. For without the necessary drive to succeed and ascend, the dreams which fueled their desires for self-improvement would always be mere fantasies. It is by far easier to dream than to do. And an unfulfilled dreamer was doomed to live a mundane existence, cast eternally in the shadows of those who dared to strive for success.

A true cultivator would rather die than live a life of mundanity.

Which was why Peerless Evil Shadow had had it up to here with his impertinent spirit partner!

“Shadowless Raven, present yourself at once! Your master is displeased!”

Peerless Evil Shadow stood in the garden of his celestial palace, dressed in a beautiful silken robe of what was called Imperial purple. His robe suited the importance of his stature as an Eminent Lord of Darkness: one who practiced a selfish and dangerous form of cultivation that disdained the harmony of community and focused primarily on the glorification of the self.

It was a dangerous method of cultivation because one who practiced it could fall into worship of the self and lose his ability to distinguish himself from the world around him, barring him entry to the greater realms where true power lay. But Peerless Evil Shadow’s ego would never allow himself to succumb to the pitfalls that had ensnared lesser, unworthier beings. He could still distinguish his individual desires from the laws that governed the universe. Thus, he never lost sight of the Dao, and continued to ascend, although he remained a pitiless and cruel man.

Whether you were his trusted friend or his sworn rival, Peerless Evil Shadow would never forget nor forgive the merest perceived slight against him. Even some of his beloved children had been cast into ignominious disgrace for losing his favor. In all realms was his name feared. There existed only three beings dwelling in the celestial realm who held more power than he, but Peerless Evil Shadow had plans to surpass them.

He would stand beneath no one.

He was a true cultivator and his ambition was without equal.

But now, thanks to a foolish and greedy bird, the patient and painstaking work of ten thousand years had been squandered!

This was unforgivable.

__

 

Shadowless Raven was the spirit partner of Peerless Evil Shadow. Throughout their rise from the mortal realm to the Celestial Realm, Shadowless Raven had been a terrifying sight to behold. He would appear before the enemies of his master, laughing with cruel mirth and pronouncing their immanent doom for daring to stand in the way of the one he served.

“Fools! Poor, misguided fools! You have tempted death itself and death shall now receive you!”

Then, from the darkness, Peerless Evil Shadow would appear, and Shadowless Raven would land on his shoulder and glare menacingly at their foes with his terrifying crimson eyes.

Theirs was a path of endless slaughter. First, Peerless Evil Shadow would destroy his opponents. Then when the battle was concluded, Shadowless Raven would mercilessly feed upon the defeated, even if they still lived, feasting on their eyes to steal their chi. He would then share that stolen power with his master, increasing his might as well. Using this wicked method of self-empowerment, they gradually ascended the ranks of cultivation until eventually reaching the celestial realm.

But once there, the two infamous partners began to diverge in their path. For Shadowless Raven was content to live in paradise, free of struggle and strife. Free to feast and sleep and rejoice in the endless peace that his new home provided him.

But Peerless Evil Shadow still burned with ambition. The celestial realm was incredible, but it was merely the second to last stop on his road to ascension. How could he possibly settle for anything less than complete godhood and ultimate mastery over the material universe?

“You disappoint me, Shadowless Raven!” he told his partner at the time.

“The denizens of this celestial realm are all cowards who’ve set aside their ambitions for eternal peace! I had hoped you would not be foolish enough to join their ranks, but I suppose a mere animal cannot be expected to employ a human’s logic.”

“Forgive me, great one!” replied Shadowless Raven. “But our struggles were many! How many hardships did we overcome on our path to ascendency? Can we not enjoy the bounties offered by this realm? Is it not our due reward for succeeding when so many wished for us to fail?”

“How very childish,” his master replied. “You who were the embodiment of cruelty to those we crushed along our way, have now become enamored with quiet prosperity! Still, you have been my valued and beloved partner for lo these many years. Know that this celestial realm will not be our home for all eternity. I have a plan that will lead us to the final step on our path…the pinnacle of all that is!”

“The…the pinnacle, master?” Shadowless Raven gasped.

“Indeed! But know that it will take at least ten thousand years to properly reach that step. That is a long time indeed, so I will grant you permission to indulge your desires and enjoy the many pleasures of this realm. But don’t get carried away! When the seed of my plan has finished germinating, we must be prepared to leave this place!”

“My master is so kind! My master is so gracious! All must bow to Evil Peerless Shadow! All must acknowledge him as the future Divine Emperor!” cried Shadowless Raven happily.

“It is true,” agreed Peerless Evil Shadow. Pleased by his servant's words, he let the bird nestle in his arms, and gently stroked his feathers. Ruthless though he was, Peerless Evil Shadow genuinely loved Shadowless Raven, and although he was often exasperated by his dear friend’s antics, he also enjoyed indulging and pampering him. Together they had worked hard to achieve their many accomplishments.

They would always be together.

Or so he once thought.

But when those ten thousand years had passed and Shadowless Raven came waddling into the garden, the sight of him filled Peerless Evil Shadow with murderous rage.

“Disgraceful! Oh, how disgraceful!” he exclaimed at the sight of his once mighty Raven.

Ten thousand years of plentitude had changed Shadowless Raven for the worst. Didn't I command him not to overdo it? Peerless Evil Shadow thought angrily to himself. But look at him! Where is the fearsome demon who once feasted with me on the very souls of our enemies? Where is my beloved friend with whom I ascended to the heavens? Surely it is not this fattened flightless fowl! Not this plump piece of piggish poultry! Who is this dolt and what has he done with my raven?!

“My beloved master has called for me?” wheezed Shadowless Raven. Indeed, he had become very fat from years of mindless overindulgence. His wings could no longer support his weight, and thus he’d become flightless. In truth, he now resembled an arctic penguin more than the fearsome portent of death that he had once been.

“Ha! Your beloved master am I? What a shameless lie! I suspect the endless plates of food and cups of fine drink have replaced me in your heart, you simpering glutton! Look at what you’ve done to yourself!”

“It is nothing master! When the time comes for us to ascend, I shall embrace a life of training and austerity and once more resume my place on your shoulder!”

“An admirable sentiment, Shadowless Raven,” replied Peerless Evil Shadow. “However, for you, that time shall never come! Gaze upon my garden, fool! Tell me what your greedy eye perceives!”

Shadowless Raven turned his eyes upon his master’s garden, confused. “I do not understand, my master! Nothing is amiss in your splendid garden.”

“Nothing, you say? Look harder, bird.”

“Your many wonderful plants filled with many delicious and delectable fruits stand accounted for…oh! Did you mean that wonderfully flavored plumb I enjoyed earlier this morning?”

“Ahhh, now we come to it,” smiled Peerless Evil Shadow. “Why yes, dear partner, I do refer to that plumb that you partook of. Was it delicious?”

“It was! It was!” Shadowless Raven cawed happily, dancing from side to side. “Oh, master, I have never before tasted anything like it! It was incomparable! A flavor finer than any other! Oh, please tell me when your tree produces more fruit, for I would very much like to eat another!”

Peerless Evil Shadow reached down and lifted his partner, stroking him gently as he spoke.

“Ah, my friend, that may prove difficult. For the tree that bore that plumb produces but a single fruit in its ten-thousand-year lifespan and then it withers and dies.”

“Ohhh!” whined Shadowless Raven. “You mean to say I can never have another! Oh, master, please! Please! Won’t you somehow provide your beloved partner with another of those wonderful plumbs? I want one! I want one!”

“WELL, I WANTED ONE TOO, YOU MORON!” screamed Peerless Evil Shadow, who had now well and truly lost his shit.

He shook Shadowless Raven fiercely and then dropped him on the ground.

“That plumb was the fruit of the fire tree, oh gluttonous bird! By ingesting it, I would have been able to unlock the final stage of my ultimate cultivation! Its energies are massive and without equal for the fire tree grows from a seed descended from the final realm itself! Discovering it was the greatest moment of my life! And now your uncontrollable appetite has denied us both godhood! Stupid, stupid bird!”

“Master, I didn’t know!” groveled fat Shadowless Raven. “Why didn’t you lock the tree away? Why didn’t you hide it from my sight? I can’t be blamed for my ignorance!”

“Why didn’t you just STAY OUT OF MY GARDEN?” yelled Peerless Evil Shadow. “I’ve told you more than once to leave it alone!”

“But you were hoarding so many delicious treats!” whined the Raven.

“IT’S THE CELESTIAL REALM!” screamed Peerless Evil Shadow. “You can have whatever you want just by THINKING about it! You didn’t need anything from my garden! You’re just a selfish, pleasure obsessed FATASS, and I will tolerate you no longer!”

“Master, waaaait!” bawled Shadowless Raven.

“No! This is partially my fault for indulging you. Now the heavens have taught me my final, most painful lesson! Trust no one, not even those you once cherished! Ascendency is a path that must be walked alone! For daring to believe I could share it with you, I have been punished and made a fool of!”

“Master, I’m sooooorry!” squawked the bird.

“Far too late, my former friend! Now accept your penance! By my authority as a master of the celestial realm and an Eminent Lord of Darkness, I, Peerless Evil Shadow, now banish you forever from my side! Furthermore, I cast you from this celestial realm to dwell miserably in the lowest plain of mortal existence!”

“Nooo!”

“Yes! And furthermore, I deny you the dignity of remaining a raven! No more shall you dishonor the once hallowed name of Shadowless Raven! A bungling, bumbling bird such as yourself must have a new name and a new form to better embody the abject failure you have become!”

“But-but-but!”

“You’re a LAZY! STUPID! FAT! CROW! And that will now be your name! Stupid Fat Crow!”

“Noooooooooo!” cried out the miserable bird.

But it was too late. Peerless Evil Shadow’s curse was now upon him, and Shadowless Raven was no more. His size shrank as his belly expanded, and within moments of the words being spoken, instead of a large fat raven, there stood a small fat crow.

“Master, I’m so sorry!” he cried once more, before the floor beneath his feet vanished.

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He fell, looking up as he did and seeing only the scornful gaze of his former partner before the breach in reality that he’d plummeted through quickly sealed itself. Then through the light of the cosmos and the darkness between the stars, and through the eight realms preceding it, the stupid fat crow descended to earth, screaming in misery and fear as the life he had enjoyed so very much was taken from him.

“Nooooooooo! Take me back! I’ll be gooood! I’ll be a good bird! Maaaaaaster!”

But no one answered his pleas. And so, he continued to fall.

__

“Sister, are you certain about this? Is your heart truly set on this path?” Shen Qīngwā asked his younger sister Feng, as they walked to the corner bus stop where a cross country transport would soon arrive to deliver Feng far to the west, to the distant Golden Eagle sect, where she would begin her new life as a cultivator.

“Yes, older brother, my heart is truly set,” Feng said firmly.

“I really don’t understand your decision,” Shen said. “We have a very comfortable life. We’re wealthy, but not so rich that others are unduly jealous of us. We have a nice estate with plenty of room where we can go weeks without seeing each other if we don’t feel like it. We have servants to bring us our daily meals, and online services for gaming and pornography. Why do you feel compelled to leave our home and pursue a warrior’s path?”

“Esteemed elder brother, I value your wisdom and insight, but I’ve long felt compelled to defy the heavens and seek undying glory for myself. These feelings must be difficult for one such as you to understand, because you’re a deviant piece of trash and a worthless shut in. But they still burn brightly within me,” Feng said piously.

“Well, I suppose if you’re following your heart then it makes sense. Although I wish you wouldn’t refer to me in such terms!”

“I’m only repeating what our Lord father says, when he makes his daily apologies to our ancestors for failing to produce an heir worthy of their legacy. Is my brother saying his little sister should be disingenuous in her assessment? Goodness, you wouldn’t be encouraging me to lie, would you?”

“Of course not!” Shen barked. “You know, you really are an evil brat, Feng. I've changed my mind, go on to Golden Eagle Mountain! Hopefully they’ll correct your impudence and make a respectable woman of you! That way when you visit, you won't bring shame to our family!”

“Ah, but Elder brother, if I ever return home, it will probably be to assassinate you and claim your inheritance as my own.”

“You’d kill your cherished older brother?!”

“Hmmm, thinkin’ about it.”

“Feng! This is what I’ve always feared! You’ve already become a cultivating maniac!”

“Fate was unkind to make me grow up with a useless older brother like you. Maybe if you’d played with me more often and let me use the Switch instead of hogging it, I’d hold you more fondly within my heart. Alas! Destiny is as cruel as it is inexorable.”

“At least kill me in my sleep! Don’t let your beloved elder brother see it coming!”

“I’ll consider it.”

Soon the transport arrived. After all of Feng’s belongings had been loaded aboard, the siblings embraced each other and said their farewells.

“Goodbye, Feng. I hope this truly makes you happy. If you become an all-conquering goddess of war, please send me a few beautiful hand maidens to rub my feet and warm my bed.”

“I’ll most likely have them put you in chains and discipline you with torture until you break out of your wretched shell and become an upstanding citizen.”

“Tch, you are the worst little sister in existence.” he said.

“Tch, you’re a useless tool who embarrasses himself with every second word he speaks.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They hugged once more before she boarded. Then the transport was away, and Shen stood there in the morning light, watching his beloved sister leave his life, possibly forever.

“Ah! This wistful feeling sure is powerful! Watching the annoying brat who pestered and annoyed me since childhood grow up and leave the nest…bah! I don’t like it! The only thing I hate worse than change, is sorrow!”

With his hands in his pocket, Shen began to walk home.

“I don’t understand!" he muttered to himself. "What’s so great about cultivation, anyway? Sure, you might gain powers and incredible fighting skills, but it's more likely you'll turn into an unhinged psychotic! Doesn’t anyone read the newspapers these days? Or check the online bulletins? Cultivators are running amok! Sure, the Golden Eagle sect that Feng joined works to keep the crazier ones in check, but so what? They still don’t answer to any laws! They’re a power unto themselves that no one elected, appointed, or asked for! That’s not how sensible people should live!”

Shen grunted in frustration.

“My family has the worst luck to be born with such abundant spiritual energy. Those cultivator sects used to bother me night and day before I became too old for training. Father was very disappointed that I refused them, but father should be used to me disappointing him! Too bad Feng couldn’t be convinced to resist their temptations. Now she’ll probably get killed pursuing immortality or fighting some psychopathic bandits, as happens far too often!”

Shen sighed. “Well, who knows? Maybe Feng will prove to be a once-in-a-generation genius and attain the strength she seeks. Oh, well, such matters are now beyond me. I’m just a simple mundane mortal and shall remain so for the rest of my life. Time to go home and see what’s fresh on Pornhub.”

And so, Shen, who really was an utter scumbag and the eternal disgrace of his family, resumed walking home. However, just as he passed through the outer gate of the family estate and was about to enter the main house, he heard a strange noise. No, not a noise. A voice. A voice that was slowly growing louder! But what was it saying?

“Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit Ohshit!!!!”

Suddenly, something slammed directly into Shen’s face, knocking him painfully onto his back and sending him skidding across the grass!

Shen gripped his head and rolled from side to side in agony. What had that been?

“God DAMN IT, God DAMN IT, God DAMN IT!” Shen yelled in misery. By his side, a swollen fat blob of feathers wearing an eyepatch and spiritual beads, was also cursing and rolling from side to side in pain.

“God DAMN IT, God DAMN IT, God DAMN IT!” it squawked.

“Hey, you worthless bird! Learn how to fly, you witless menace! You could have taken my damn head off!” Shen shouted at the bird while pointing at his bloodied forehead.

“Who are you calling worthless, you pitiful mortal clod? You were the one whose thick skull nearly destroyed this majestic raven’s precious face!”

“Show me where a majestic raven stands! All I see is a stupid fat crow!”

“Squawk! Blasphemer! I’ll have your eyes for that!” the crow yelled and began hopping around Shen’s ankles, pecking at them.

“Ow! Stop that! Stop that at once you wretched bird! Don’t think I won’t kick you in self-defense!”

“Now you’re threatening helpless animals? You mongrel dog! You feckless sputum! You encrusted brown stain on white silken undergarments! Know your place!”

With a final fierce peck, the fat crow caused Shen to trip over it, and fall to the ground. Before Shen could get up, the bird hopped onto his chest and began jumping up and down squawking triumphantly.

“Ha ha! Behold, mortal realm! This majestic raven is not so far fallen that he can’t still vanquish his enemies in battle! Shadowless Raven will never be defeated!"

Shen burst into laughter at the little fat bird’s proclamation.

“Excuse me? Did you just say you were Shadowless Raven? The dreaded servant of Evil Peerless Shadow? “

“Indeed, I am! Does my presence terrify you, boy?”

“No! And get off me!” Shen said, slapping the bird off his chest irritably. “Honestly! A little fat crow proclaiming himself to be the terrifying demon servant of the Lord of Darkness? What a joke! I guess cultivation can make even birds go crazy!”

“Hey! I’m not crazy! I’ve feasted on the eyes of thousands! I’ve consumed the chi of the strongest warriors imaginable! I really am a big deal!”

“Well, that’s a generous way of describing yourself! You’re a fat little crow with delusions of grandeur, and you’ve clearly given me a concussion since I seem to be talking to you! I need to get inside and seek medical treatment.”

“Wait, just a moment!” said the fat little crow. “This is the mortal realm! How is it that you can hear my thoughts? Are you a cultivator?”

“Ha! Never! I’m a shameful elder son, who never bothered getting trained! You’re talking to a proud waste of potential!”

“Ha! The cultivators at this stage must be talentless fools!” said the bird. “If you can hear my thoughts without training, that means your potential is immeasurable! The last man who could do so, was my incredible former master, Peerless Evil Shadow!”

The bird began rubbing its wings together greedily. What an opportunity! I’ll train this silly mortal into a powerful cultivator! And then I’ll use him to ascend the ranks once more, all the way back to the celestial realm! And then I’ll take vengeance on that bastard, Peerless Evil Shadow!

“Boy!” the bird proclaimed. “Kneel before me! Accept me as your master, and I shall teach you the forbidden ways of power! Under my tutelage, you shall become the second Eminent Lord of Darkness, and all shall bow before you or else know eternal suffering!”

“Yeah, no,” Shen said. Then he opened the door to his home and went inside.

“Hey! HEY! Get back here!” demanded the crow. But even he was impotent against a closed door.

And thus, this fateful meeting precipitated the arrival of the cultivation world’s most dreaded villains. The Second Dark Lord who would one day be feared by one and all as Shady Imperious Toad—

(“Huh?” Shen said. He had an unsettling feeling that something horrible had just happened to him, but he didn’t know what...)

And his dreaded partner, the loathsome beast known as the STUPID FAT CROW.

(“I’m getting a new name!” vowed the stupid fat crow.)

No, he won't.

Continued…

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