Chapter 3: Chapter 3. The nature of Shen.

A bird will experience the horror and delight of the modern world. And a fool will remember something he should never have forgotten. The cruelty of children will be repaid in kind.

 

A week had passed since Shen had acquired his unwanted housemate. No matter what he did to rid himself of the intrusive bird, no matter what steps he took to make certain it couldn't possibly get back inside his home, night after night the annoying pest somehow found a way past his defenses. It was becoming a source of immense frustration for him.

Shen was not a vengeful person, nor did he harbor any ill will towards the creatures of nature. He went out of his way to avoid situations where he might accidentally bring harm to helpless animals and was even conscientious enough to avoid stepping on insects if he could help it. When he ate meat, he was always grateful for the sacrifice of the animal’s life and always finished his plate. So, he was puzzled about what he had done to earn such terrible karma in the form of the smug little crow.

“We should begin training soon, disciple,” the fat crow told him one cool morning after another attempt to remove him had failed. “Summer swiftly approaches, and you’ll want to begin building up your physical conditioning in these temperate spring days before the truly hot weather arrives. Otherwise, you might die, heh!”

“I’ll stay inside, thanks,” replied Shen as he lounged on his recliner, wearing his glasses and reading a comic book. “The only thing I intend to do this summer, is sip lemonade and enjoy my home’s air-conditioning.”

“More likely you’ll be hunched over in a darkened corner of the room, shaming your ancestors with a bottle of scented lotion, you obnoxious degenerate,” replied the crow.

“Stop bringing that up every five minutes, you vexatious bird! You were the one who came barging in unannounced!”

“The worst part is that you feel no shame for your behavior!” lamented the crow.

“Ha!” laughed Shen. “Me feel shame? Unlikely! I haven’t felt that quaint little emotion since my late adolescence! There are things in this world that I like and there are things in this world that I love, and for me, nothing else exists! If something brings me no enjoyment, then I’ll discard it at once! I tossed feeling shame into a metaphorical rubbish bin, ages ago!”

“Libertine! Hedonist!” squawked the crow.

“And proudly so!” proclaimed Shen. “I’m far too humble and well-mannered to exalt in my noble status—"

That was a big lie, thought the crow.

“--but I realized years ago that common people aren’t made common by their lower social status, but rather by the way they choose to live their lives! They deliberately deprive themselves of the worldly pleasures sought by all forward-thinking men and punish all who deviate from their arbitrary path! To me, that way of living is too close-minded.”

“What’s so close-minded about parents not wanting their children to become utter scum?” asked the curious crow. “It’s only common sense.”

“See? That sort of judgementalism is exactly what I’m talking about! What’s wrong with being scum if you aren’t hurting anyone?” Shen demanded. “Nothing! So, screw common sense! I say that common sense is for commoners!”

“That’s a lot of flowery language to justify an obvious addiction to pornography,” muttered the disgusted crow.

Shen would have none of it. “Pornography? Ha! You really must be twelve thousand years old to hold such an archaic viewpoint, oh silly little crow. The desires of the great Shen Qīngwā go far beyond such mundane simplicity! Let the hypocritical masses enjoy their superficial delights. To the refined tastes of a man of true culture, their preferences are naught but sad amateurism.”

Although he found the boy’s interests repulsive and confusing, the crow found himself captivated by the energy and enthusiasm with which Shen spoke of them. He’s a complete fool, but his charisma is undeniable. Even I, a warrior who ascended to the celestial realm, am mesmerized by him, despite his utter stupidity! Could it be that his perversity is how he channels his immense hidden potential? Is this idiot a warrior saint of deviant trash?

The crow had to know! “If such licentiousness is mere amateurism to you then what to your mind is the true height of debauchery?” he asked.

Shen gave the crow a knowing smirk and rose from his chair. “Ha! Finally, you ask a question worthy of this esteemed master, you silly fat crow. Well, since you humbled yourself enough to beg for my wisdom, I suppose there's no harm in sharing a drop of it with you.”

I just asked a question you smug wanker, the crow thought darkly to himself.

Shen walked to his desk and began typing and clicking away at his computer until he arrived at a certain website. Then he began playing a certain video and enlarged it so that it filled his entire monitor. “Behold, crow! Behold the ultimate in sensuality!”

The crow hopped over to Shen’s chair, then jumped into his lap. Shen then placed the bird on his desktop so that it could better see the video. On it, an animated young woman wearing a school uniform was walking on a busy sidewalk, apparently trying to get home according to the subtitles on the bottom of the screen.

On impulse, she decided to take a shortcut through a dark alleyway, hoping to shorten her travel time. Unfortunately for her, it was occupied by someone else.

“I don’t understand. This is a cartoon,” the crow said flatly. “A mere animation.”

“Shut up! It’s getting to the good part,” said Shen.

“But I don’t have any money!” the girl on the screen whimpered. “I spent it on my bus fare.”

“If you can’t pay with cash, you’ll have to pay with something else!” leered the heavily muscled bald man who had pinned her against an alley wall.

“But with what?” moaned the girl.

“I have an idea!” the man said as he licked his lips with suspiciously thick looking saliva. The crow found himself wondering how the brute could even breathe if all his bodily fluids were that viscous. Did the people in these cartoons smoke a lot of brown tobacco?

They must all have powerful lungs, thought the crow.

He and Shen continued to watch in silence for several minutes before the crow felt compelled to speak up.

“Disciple, your learned master fails to understand the reasoning behind preferring this simulacrum to an actual woman,” said the confused crow. “If anything, this is a far worse experience."

"How so?" asked Shen.

"Well, even if I could discount the clichéd plotting, my warrior’s eye perceives the repeated recycling of the same animation frames over and over! Also, the voice acting is of a low caliber, and the sound effects are repulsive. Like someone had soaked a cake in water and then held a microphone nearby while slowly pushing his hand into it. What is the point of this?”

Shen sighed dramatically to himself. “Your profound ignorance saddens me, crow. Two-dimensional eroticism does not concern itself with quality! A true visionary must close his eyes to what appears on his screen and open his heart to the creator’s intent!”

“Why did the bald fellow turn into a mass of tentacles? Was there a great intent behind that?”

“I honestly don’t know,” admitted Shen. “I think it’s a cultural thing. They’re big on fishing over there. It’s an Island chain, you see. Lots of squids and such.”

“Ahhhh,” nodded the crow in understanding.

“Anyway, a dedicated viewer of this artform must plumb the mysteries of Aphrodite herself to better increase his understanding. See? Look at how the woman blushes in coquettish shame and desire! Society demands her reluctance even as her heart demands that she capitulate to the squid! This confused juxtaposition will soon culminate into its ultimate form…asiago!”

“Like the cheese?”

“What? No! No, asiago is when rapture reaches its pinnacle and causes your face to break into a lunatic spasm of orgasmic release…bah, it’s easier if I just show you, hold on.”

Shen fast-forwarded the video for a bit until it came to the section he wanted. When it reached the part he had spoken of, the crow could only stare in stunned silence before his shock made him step backwards and fall off the desk.

What…what have these eyes now witnessed? He thought in horror!

“My eyes! Ahhh! That was horrible! It was as though I’d witnessed a demonic possession! Is this truly art? Are the youth of today so corrupt? Could even Peerless Evil Shadow himself foresee such an era of darkness?”

“Foolish bird!” taunted the merciless Shen. “I thought you were a battle-hardened devourer of men’s souls! Is your inner resolve so weak? Was that image of animated feminine impropriety enough to crush your normie spirit? Ha! Tell me now, boastful crow, who between us is truly the master?”

To emphasize his point, Shen slowly pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose using his middle finger.

“Bastard!” cawed the miserable bird. “Your wretched disposition won’t break my will!”

“Hahaha! We shall see!” Shen declared before turning up the volume.

“Ohhhh, I can’t believe you got all the way in there! I feel as though I’m about to burst! It feels so warm! Wait! Nooo! If you don’t stop soon, I’ll…AHHHHHH!” blasted the computer’s speakers, accompanied by some truly disturbing sound effects. Shlep! Shlep! Shlep!

The crow rolled helplessly on the floor, trying desperately to block his senses.

“Do you RELENT?” demanded the victorious Shen.

“I do! I do! Spare me this excessive display! Please!” begged the defeated crow.

“Well, I suppose it’ll be fine if my lenient self were to grant you mercy just this once. But when I next tell you to get out of my room, I expect prompt obedience! Defiance carries its penalties!” declared Shen.

“What?” asked the astonished crow. Had he heard what he thought he’d just heard?

“I said, defiance carries its penalties,” repeated Shen. “Just remember that and I’m sure we’ll get along.”

The crow hadn’t been mistaken! How many times over countless years did I hear my former master, Peerless Evil Shadow, make that same threat? Defiance carries its penalties! Those words are seared into my very soul! Can it be a coincidence that this young nasty fiend so casually dropped them into my ears?

In fact, disgusting though he is, his mannerisms are the very same as my master’s when he was but a youth! I sense the hand of fate is at work here! I MUST train this worthless idiot! But how? How can I compel him to obey? His perverse self-satisfaction is the ultimate shield against reason!

“I still don’t understand why it’s better when it’s animated,” the crow said, after regaining his feet and giving himself a good shake.

“What’s to know?” Shen asked. “The best women are two-dimensional in nature. There are a lot of ethical concerns that come with viewing three-dimensional women, y’know! That part of the entertainment industry is rife with criminal exploitation and abuse! What if I were to innocently watch a clip without realizing that the contents were filmed under duress? I’d become an inadvertent criminal! I don’t need the federal government kicking in my doors over something like that!”

You’d probably have it coming, thought the crow.

“But aren’t there also laws about what an animated video can depict as well?” he asked Shen.

You are reading story Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow! at novel35.com

“Huh? No!”

“Are you certain?”

“Of course, I am! I’ve seen that television show with the fellow who dies and is reborn as a ten-year old magician. I don’t want to be that bad! He was nauseating! I prefer remaining casually distasteful. So, the obvious solution is to develop refined sensibilities and avoid anything three dimensional.”

“But that woman was wearing a school uniform, so doesn’t that add a certain ambiguity about the character’s age?”

“Shut up, crow!” snapped Shen. “I can look up the law if it’ll ease your ignorant fears. Hold on a moment.” Shen brought up a search engine on his screen and began typing away, bringing up page after page of information on the subject. He read each one carefully, checked their dates, re-read them, and brought up several other sites which he cross-checked as well.

When he was satisfied, he closed out the screen, drummed his fingers on his desk a few times, then turned to the crow. “Hmm,” said Shen in a nonchalant manner. “It would appear my computer is currently malfunctioning. Pardon me for a moment while I wipe the hard drive and do a factory reset. Valarie!”

“Yes, young master?” she asked a few moments later.

“Would you please bring me a screwdriver, a magnet, and a large hammer?”

__

 

After an unexpectedly busy twenty minutes of frantic activity which culminated in a ruined computer case and a microwave filled with smoking pieces of motherboard, Shen had Valarie drive him downtown to purchase a new PC tower.

“How rare to see the young master willingly leave his room in the daylight hours,” Valarie said brightly as she navigated the road.

“What’s so shocking about it, Granny? The esteemed Shen Qīngwā is a man about town and always eager to interact with the public. Such is his vivacious nature,” replied Shen from the backseat.

“Oh, dear!” replied Valarie. “Young Master, did you know that the Buddha taught his followers that anyone who lied without shame could commit any evil imaginable? He stressed that one must never deliberately lie, even in jest.”

“Well, he sounds like he’d be a fun person to have a drink with,” said Shen.

“She makes a good point,” interjected the fat crow. “Not that this majestic raven would care about the Buddha’s opinion on anything. I was once nearly swatted by the gigantic hand of an angry bodhisattva. Pious fat bastard!”

“How did you get into my car? I distinctly recall leaving you behind,” asked Shen in dismay.

“Stop being surprised all the time! Amazement at such a simple trick exposes your ignorance,” smirked the crow.

“I didn’t say I was amazed!” Shen retorted angrily. But he was in fact, amazed.

How does this bird keep doing this? Could there be any validity to his claims? No…No, I refuse to believe it!

“Aww, I love how the young master makes a pretense of hating his new pet. But clearly you can’t keep away from him!” said a smiling Valarie.

“That’s a lie! You just spoke a lie!” Shen said desperately.

“Does that make us friends now?” taunted the smug crow. “Are you now ready to accept your place as my pupil?”

“Never!”

__

 

When they arrived at the shopping center, even the crow was impressed by its size and the sheer immensity of quality goods it contained within. They had all manner of items stocked on the shelves within each aisle. There were garments and toys and all sorts of useful products from across the nation. There was even food being offered as samples to passing customers. Meat and cheeses and sweet fruits of all kinds.

How wonderful! Thought the crow. Although this place lacks the splendid variety found only within the celestial realm, this is still a most pleasing selection! The mortal realm has indeed advanced far beyond the savage era that birthed me. I now better understand why Shen is such a useless oaf. Who wouldn’t let their senses degrade when surrounded by such prosperity?

As the crow happily snacked away, Shen stood at the counter of the electronics section purchasing his new computer. After his payment was authorized, he signed a slip of paper and directed the stockman to deliver his property to where Valarie was parked outside.

“Alright, then, crow,” he said after pocketing his credit card. “We’re finished here. Stop harassing these people for food and let us be off.”

“Buy me something!” whined the crow. “I’m still hungry! Oh, look at that sandwich shop! I want a sandwich! Buy me a sandwich! A sandwich is the least you owe me for claiming you as my disciple! Pleeease?”

I don’t WANT to be your disciple, Shen thought in annoyance. But there was something about the sight of this ridiculous little bird shamelessly making demands of him that he found somewhat…endearing. The bird was an annoying fool, but Valarie was right about him being cute.

Could it be that I’ve grown to enjoy this vulgar little beast’s company?

How ridiculous! This was just misplaced affection for his departed sister. Feng had been an annoying brat as well, and the bird simply reminded Shen of her, that was all. Nothing more! Once he got over it, he’d find a way to rid himself of the fat little beggar. In the meanwhile, for Feng’s sake at least, he’d indulge his temporary pet.

Besides, he was curious to see how the crow would handle extra banana peppers on his sandwich.

After purchasing three combo meals, one for himself, one for the crow, and one for Valarie, they exited the building to rendezvous with her.

“Let me have it now! Let me have it now! I waaaaant it!” demanded the crow.

“You can have your food when we’ve returned home, you greedy little glutton,” replied Shen with an amused smirk on his face. “Until then, just show a little patience—ouch!”

Shen bounced back against what felt like a solid wall of concrete, dropping his food and landing unpleasantly on his bottom. What had just happened?

“Brothers! Look who it is! The young heir of the Qīngwā family just ran into me without looking where he was going,” said a rumbling voice. “Wasn’t that arrogant of him? To think he can walk where he pleases? The people of Lǜsè Point aren’t your serfs, little lordling! You owe me an apology!”

Shen raised his eyes and saw he was surrounded by a group of unpleasant looking men wearing white pants and tunics. Their leader was a massive, heavily muscled young man who wore his jacket open over his bare chest.

“Hey! It was an accident, wasn’t it?” Shen said. “There’s no need to engage in this clichéd hooliganism! I’m sorry, okay?”

“What sort of an apology was that?” demanded the big man.

“Hey, brother, I don’t think this punk is taking you very seriously!” cackled one of his followers.

“You might have to set an example!” said another one with an unpleasant smile.

“Guys, if this is a shakedown, that’s fine. I’ll go pull some money out of an automated teller,” snorted Shen. “But please, just stop with this playacting! You’re demeaning the good name of thugs everywhere with this ostentatious display! Show a little professionalism!”

“You don’t even recognize me, do you Shen?” asked the leader of the thieves. He stared coldly at Shen, waiting for his reaction. For his part, Shen had no idea who he was…until realization came crashing into him like a bolt of spring lightning.

“Chen?” Shen asked. “Pig Chen, is that you? Wow! Congratulations, you’ve really lost a lot of weight!”

Chen slowly smiled, pleased that his victim had recognized him. “Ah, yes. There it is. That name. That awful, awful name that haunted me throughout my childhood and ruined my young life. Pig Chen.”

“Pig Chen?” asked one of his subordinates in confusion.

“Oh, yes,” Chen said. “My family was impoverished, you see, so we were forced to eat unhealthy meals that negatively impacted our appearances and health. My sisters had poor skin complexions, and I became overweight. Still, I was polite to others, and helpful when I could be, so the other children treated me kindly despite my embarrassing physical condition. That was until a certain evil bastard gave me the nickname Pig Chen. He’d finished eating his lunch one day and declared he wasn’t hungry anymore, so he shoved his leftovers towards me. Here, you finish it, Pig Chen, he said. And oh, how everyone laughed that day! From then on, that became my new name. Pig Chen. Rhymes with Pigpen. That was when the other children stopped being nice to me.”

“Brother!” sobbed one of his men. “That’s terrible! I never knew!”

“Me neither!” said another one.

“It’s a painful memory,” Chen said as his chest heaved with bittersweet emotions. “My mistreatment was what drove me from school to the underworld. I climbed my way through the ranks with nothing but my fists, determined to reforge myself into a real man! With sweat and effort, I slowly transformed, bit by bit. I also swore that if I ever again ran into the scum who’d belittled me and stuck me with that damn nickname, I’d take my time and give him a taste of the Hell that he put me through!”

“Wow,” Shen said. “Well, that is a very interesting origin story. Thank you for sharing it with me, Brother Chen! But as you can see, I have these hot sandwiches and they’re going to get cold if I wait too long, soooooo, I guess I’ll be seeing you?”

Shen picked up the sandwiches and began to walk past Chen. Just as it seemed he was in the clear, a large hand came down heavily on his shoulder.

“It was you, Shen Qīngwā! You were the one who ruined my life!” Pig Chen growled.

What a drama queen! Seriously, that revelation was painfully obvious to anyone paying the slightest bit of attention, Shen thought irritably.

“Was it?” Shen asked regretfully. “Oh nooooo! How could I dooooo such a thing? God, I’ve just got so much growing left to do, don’t I? Uh, I’m very, very sorry?” he asked Chen hopefully.

“I don’t think you are,” Chen replied with an ugly smile. “But believe me…you will be!”

Ah, this frickin’ guy, thought Shen.

 

You can find story with these keywords: Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow!, Read Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow!, Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow! novel, Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow! book, Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow! story, Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow! full, Curse of the Stupid Fat Crow! Latest Chapter