Chapter 307: Sometimes, It Really Isn’t Fair (part Two)

I couldn't sleep that night. 

I couldn't remember what happened at dinner or what we even talked about. 

Did I even have dinner?

Biteria for once wasn't sleeping with me and there wasn't anyone else in the room. 

It actually wasn't that dark. There were thousands of pixies just out the window. None of them were coming in though.

Kind of felt weird to stare at them all the way from here. My eyesight had actually increased just a tiny bit as I practiced with organ Imbuition, in a very controlled manner of course. And in theory, I could now imbue different parts of my body for short periods of time to see more or run faster and the like. At this point, maybe just training with my magic might have been a lot better than just practicing with swords and spears.

Kind of didn't matter though. After all, I'd die either way.

It was probably midnight or a bit late. I kind of wanted to have a drink. 

I stopped drinking after my sister died. I did promise it to her before her death but still kept on drinking. But after she died, whenever I tried to drink I almost always threw up. My soul craved it but my body rejected it. 

I still wanted a drink though. Maybe I could just drink a high potion?

And get hooked on it?

I guess not. 

It was funny how the thought came to my mind after all this time. 

'What will I say if I meet her again?'

Honestly, I didn't know. I wasn't prepared for death and I didn't know what I'd do, or what I was supposed to do.

I just didn't know.

Alisa phrased her words very carefully. But I knew what she meant. In the upcoming battle, I knew I'd die trying. I just found new powers and I even recovered my lost hand. But- with my current capabilities I could barely go against a demi-god on equal footing let alone an actual God. The grand monsters were nothing more than husks filled with rage, so winning against them wasn't the same as fighting an enemy who could use their brains. And the demon emperor claimed to be as strong as a God. But I had a feeling he wasn't stupid enough to just sit back and relax while I acquired new powers. There was a chance he'd ensure I had allies only for them to backstab me. 

He could have abducted people, he could have done a lot of things.

Anything was possible in this world. 

I knew just how frightening the possibilities were. But- what will I do if I won against him? What then?

Would anything change?

Wouldn't I just die anyway?

This world was plagued with many kinds of problems. Curses were just one of them.

Lianne's one was also a problem. She'd turn into a goblin-like thing soon. But I guess she was talking about Elf years, so she probably had at least a few decades. But, I didn't have that long. 

"This isn't fair." The words slipped out of my mouth- a faint whisper.

To win the fight with the demon emperor I needed more strength and if I got cornered I might purposefully activate the curse- I didn't yet know how. In that case, I'd win but I'd die just a hundred days later. But even that was the best-case scenario. 

On the other hand, even if I didn't need the curse, I'd still die in a matter of four years. This was even more unlikely. And there wasn't any set date for when the curse would activate on its own. It could have just happened tomorrow or something rather than four years later. 

No matter what, I was going to die and that was clear. 

"H ha hahh." My body let out a self-deprecating chuckle before I could suppress it. I guess even my body knew I didn't have enough strength: that I'd given up. 

I wasn't scared of death. I'd already seen it a thousand times: I'd already experienced the pain of death. I was, however, scared of losing my loved ones. I was scared of being away from them. The very thought made my body shiver. 

I didn't want my friends to die either. I didn't want anyone around me to die: I didn't want to die. I was perhaps too selfish. I knew that and yet….

I had so many promises, so many things I wanted to do. At first, I wanted to leave this world and go back, but, now I wanted to solve all its mysteries and just move on and have a life. 

I wanted to live with Lianne and have fun with my friends. 

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I really was selfish. 

But- I guess I couldn't have things I wanted no matter how hard I tried. Hard work just wasn't enough. 

I raised my hand up in the air, towards the black wooden celling. 'In the end, perhaps you were right, mother. I really am worthless.'

"I'm worthless."

A small squeaking sound reverberated as the door opened slightly. 

Someone just came inside the room. 

'Viola?'

"Did you need something?" My tone came out a bit coarse. I guess I might not have been in the best of moods.

My voice froze her but she resumed a second later and came by my bed. It was dark but I could see her eyes and the glare. 

Did something happen?

She was wearing a semitransparent nightgown and apparently, she was wearing black lingerie- and yes, stuff were very visible. 

She didn't say a word and just stood by the bed.

"Something wrong? Can't sleep? Want me to cuddle you or something?" I was kind of in a terrible mood. And yet, I didn't know what I was even saying. I guess I really needed a drink. 

A second later I realized, there was actually a knife in her hand. Was she possessed or something?

Before I could even try to move, she got on top of me and held the knife on my neck: she was fast and precise. She used her other hand to pin my right hand down. I couldn't move my left hand and I couldn't move my legs either. 

Pinned.

"WHY?" She whispered but the intensity was that of a scream.

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say or what to think. Why was she suddenly trying to kill me and asking me questions?

After all this time…

"Why did you kill him and not me?"

What? "What do you mean? I-"

"Don't play dumb. Everything was according to your plan. You used me, got the throne, and now, you'll leave? Everything was according to your plan." Her eyes leaked as tears fell on my bare chest but her glare was real. 

So, she was holding everything back convincing herself that I saved her and her people. And I did everything for her and the nation. But when she learned I would leave soon, she finally put together that I used her. 

It wasn't like I was hiding that I wasn't going to stay here and I openly said that I just saved her for my own convenience and ideals. 

So, something didn't add up. 

"You killed father, killed uncle, and even kept Edward in house arrest and now- now-" She kept on crying. Her grip was beginning to waver and her hands were shivering. She was too young to hold a knife to someone else's throat. "I have nothing. Father loved me but- I knew that was hollow. He was just using me as an excuse. He loved power much more than me. When I said not to make a deal with the demons, he spread rumors about me and banished me to the countryside. Everyone believed I was selfish. Everyone believed it was me who ran away. Everyone believed I was the one at fault- but." She glared at me, still crying. "I just wanted him to spend some time with me. I just-" She cried. "And then I met you and I fell in love with you. But you used me as well. You also tried to discard me and now you will leave. You don't even look like the same man you were yesterday! Were you just pretending this whole time!?" Her cries stopped and her shivering stopped as well. She looked at me, perfectly serious. "Say, something!"

Pretending?

She was right on the money. I didn't know anything about this world. I didn't know how it worked or what I was even supposed to do. Somewhere along the way, I picked up- a character and stuck with it. I played thousands of games, read thousands of novels, and watched thousands of movies. I created something of an ideal for me and just stuck with it. 

But she was right. I might just have been pretending?

Was I even real?

Was anything real about me?

I didn't know. 

All those memories, all those times, all those deaths, was I just pretending? Was I just-

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