Chapter 1: Prologue

The dark, heavy night was weighing down on Hiyori. It was like a jacket, made out of pure lead, forced on her by an invisible hand. She could do nothing but lay in her bed, looking out at the starless sky as their light was long ago snuffed out by the busy, always awake city’s lights. Watching the pale moon and its craters was her only option remaining. It was also looking back at her with strange, otherworldly eyes, formed from the small and big craters on its surface. Her breathing slowly started to pick up speed as she was staring outwards, without the ability to blink, her eyes slowly watering. The noises, coming from the streets, the mix of cars going by, some drunken salarymen, shouting at his own demons as he walked by the houseblock, everything was merging into a strange cloud of noise, sounding like a contemporary orchestra. This was not the first time for her, experiencing this. For almost half a decade now, most of her nights, when she was out of sleeping pills, she went through the same thing. Unable to sit up, just laying there, watching the sky, unable to speak, move or in the end, even think. It felt like everything was ten times heavier than they should be, even her own, skinny body. Just to move her head took all of her strength, feeling she was not even on Earth but Jupiter. 

 

She wanted to say something, after finally turning her head away from the small, little room’s only window, now facing her gray, old and already cracked wall. But it was useless. Not because no air came out from her lungs to flick her voice chords like a guitarist, but because there was nobody to speak to. She lived alone in her little, 30 square meter sized apartment. Nobody would come for her to help her sit up, bring a cup of water to sip on or simply just pat her head, telling her it is going to be okay. She had no chance but lay there and wait for morning to come and wash away this unexplainable terror that visited her. Every. Single. Night. When Hiyori’s alarm clock, next to her small bed started to ring, it was like the spell holding her down broke and she took a deep breath, sitting up on the bed. Her simple, white gown was drenched in sweat, sticking to her skinny body, letting light through and showing her small, perky little mounds on her chest to the world. Patting them, mostly to calm her rapidly beating heart, she could not help but form a self-deprecating smile.

 

“Not that anyone would be interested in these…” whispered, running all ten of her fingers through her black, wet hair that was sticking to her face now. Sitting there, letting it fall onto her back, they reached down to the middle of her back. Her black eyes wore similarly dark and blackened bags under them. Slowly getting out of bed, dragging her exhausted body to the bathroom, looking into the mirror, another sigh came from between her lips. “These will never go away…?” dragged down her own, lower eyelids, rubbing them, but those bags were now almost permanent and no matter how many times she washed her face, her expression never became any more energetic. “This sucks…” groaned, stepping onto her scale, watching the numbers trying to climb upwards. They barely went above 20 kgs and with her small height, being only 140 cm, she was unhealthily underweight. “Fuck…” groaned, getting off of it, throwing her clothes into a basket and deciding to take a quick shower.

 

It was already 7 when she finished, not just showering, but making a small sandwich for breakfast. Yet no matter how hard she tried, she could not even finish that. It simply tasted… like… nothing. No matter what she tried, salt, chili, honey, mixing peanut butter with roasted chicken wings, everything she tried out! Only after a few bites, they just turned into some kind of plain flavor, losing all of their original tastes. Like eating MRE biscuits, brought up from a newly excavated, world war bunker.

 

“Come on girl…” said to herself, forcing her small mouth to chew on the sandwich, almost like pushing it down her own throat with her own fingers. Everything was a chore. Eating, keeping herself clean, breathing… waking up. Nothing brought joy, not even sleeping as she could not do that by now, not without her pills. Even touching herself became nothing but a routine, helping the pills kick in quicker. Yesterday she forgot to take them and by the time she was finished, she realized it had started and instead of slipping into a dreamless sleep thanks to the medication, she suffered through another sleepless night as if she was cast into Limbo between heaven and hell. 

 

After finishing her small bread roll with some ham and lettuce inside, she started to dress up, putting on jeans and a plain, black t-shirt that was way oversized for her, not that it really mattered for Hiyori. Brushing her hair somewhat was enough for her before tying it into a ponytail and putting a cap on, leaving her apartment in her dirty, old sneakers. All of her clothes were almost the same from when she was a middle-schooler and it never changed as she got older, not even now, nearing her 30th birthday, almost here in a few months, come November. Seeing the date on the calendar, hanging besides her front door brought another deep sight from her lips as she left her small home.

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“Maybe I should buy a razor.” whispered “I could resist opening the gift for two more months.” said to herself as she walked down the old, metal stairs, leaving for work.

 

She had to walk only a few blocks to arrive at the local mall, walking in with a deadpan look, only nodding at some familiar faces by habit. Going into the local McDouglas restaurant, she donned her “uniform” in the backroom, getting ready for the morning shift. She had not many choices, since highschool, after a car crash where she lost all of her family, being the only survivor, she never again slept. Not even once, at least not without the help of medication. Even her education was finished only after multiple years and tries… even then, barely. Now what remained for her, besides some help from the Imperial Health Association, was to accept every kind of part-time job she came across. 

 

Today was no different for her than any other. Working through the hours, acting like a robot, speaking so little her coworkers didn't even know her name, only calling Hiyori “you” or “her”, in worst case scenarios, “it”. Not that it bothered her. She was used to it. When finally a change in shift came, she walked back to the dressing room, changed and simply left with that day's pay, walking out like a small, little zombie, unfazed by the looks she sometimes got. Heading straight home she only stopped at one place, an old vending machine, pushing a few coins in and taking out the unbranded, cheapest canned coffee. Watching it she could not help herself but sigh again before opening it up right there, taking big gulps before its flavor disappeared.

 

“Haah… it would be good to taste it for a bit longer…” murmured, looking up at the sky while people passed by her, ignoring Hiyori’s presence. “I really should buy that razor…” thought out loud, throwing away the empty can, heading home in the end.

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