Chapter 17: Chapter 14 – On a Highway to FRICK

“We should finish what we came here to do, though.” Leonard spoke up, reminding me of the job. 

“Right, yeah, Ghostbusting. Do you have a plan for that?” I raised my eyebrow to let Leo know I was listening in. Bournael seemed to have gone closer to the door. 

“If you lot need me, I’ll be on a bird feed break.” He left the room, giving us a final wave as the door closed behind him. His glamour must have been worse than mine, because I caught a glimpse of his shadow, large and imposing and four winged, possessing bird feet. I know angels are called pigeons in some stories, but I wasn’t expecting a fallen one to literally be a bird. 

“Got it Bournael!” I yelled at him. 

“Just call me Bournie! Sounds like Bernie!” He yelled back. I oughta get him some sunflower seeds though. Bread is not good for birds. You think humans get fat from carbs? Imagine what bread does to ducks! BOOM! Leonard was busy looking through his phone for something. Probably the ritual. I could see his breath turning to fog from the cold. 

“I don’t know if I can draw in that pool over there for the ritual circle, although… There should be a circle there already, an elevator ride up from Hell.” Leonard scratched his chin and all five hairs on it. Oh no wait, six. Aww, lookit him, going through puberty and growing into a respectable young man at last. At this rate, he’ll have a full beard on his deathbed! A whole quarter of an inch of it! 

He took a deep breath, and started walking to the center of the room, right into the blood pool. Oh that’s not washing out of those skinny jeans. Not if he wants to keep them black. “Leo. Why. Couldn’t you have Mosesed up yourself a path? Come on, the Red Sea is right there!” Okay I shouldn’t be making light of the scene, but, come on. How could I miss that opportunity. 

“Shushies you, and get to aggravating the spirits with hellfire or something.” He pointed at me accusatorilly, and I shrugged and gave him the middle finger. A lit middle finger. Oh I should so do that move far more often, the energy of a flaming middle finger is amazing. What wasn’t so amazing was the wailing that now filled the room, dots floating around in pairs. 

“Awww, not spooky ghosts or sheet ghosts, just eyes?” I pouted, turning my flame off and stretching, as Leonard worked on the ritual. There was a light from the pool of blood, muted due to how viscous old blood is, and Leonard thrust his arms up in triumph. The eyes began pulling into the light. And then there was a tug on my chest, and I flew across the room, colliding with Leonard, as we began falling. 

 

There wasn’t a sudden thud of hitting the ground. No momentum ending. Nothing like the Mr. Bean intro (What? The show is hilarious, and most of the comedy can be read as a neurodivergent person trying to function in neurotypical society. Okay so the cartoon reveals he’s an alien, but whatever, I’m sticking to my reading. And to watching old shows). The ground was a smooth rock, and when I got up and looked around, I could see huge pillars, stretching for miles. Leonard was laying on the ground next to me, groaning. I guess he did get a thud. And then there were three shunks of being materialising. On the right, someone with goat legs, their tits out, an obvious bulge in their short shorts, a goatee, goat horns, a pentagram tattoo on their forehead, a pair of feathered wings, and a pair of shades covering their eyes. On the left was someone with serious chest, arm and leg hair, a pair of insect wings on their back, and buggy compound eyes. 

And between those two, the hottest person I had ever seen. Were they a guy? Were they a girl? Who the fuck knows, everybody found them hot which made everybody gay. Their hair golden and somewhat glowing, a miniskirt and crop top as their outfit, their feet bare, hovering above the ground slightly. The most striking detail was their horns. Tilted backwards, they didn’t end in sharp points, and they weren’t symmetrical, there was an obvious crack in the back, making it clear the horns were once a ring. The Hot One inhaled sharply upon seeing us. “Way too fucking early darlings, way too early.” They turned to face Leonard, squatting down. “You, Leo, you’re a fucking wildcard when it comes to showing up here once you kick the bucket. I have no clue when you’re going to do more than you can handle.” They shifted their gaze to me. “You, Lily, well by the looks of things you might sort that bit out and live a long and fulfilling life.” They straightened themselves out, and I noticed the bandaged up stumps on their back, six of them, each of a different length. “So, you’re in Hell now. I think you might recognize Baphomet and Beelzebub. Baph and Lizzie are good pals of mine.” They had moved back inbetween their companions, grabbing them gently by the shoulder. All I could do was stiffen up slightly, slowly turn to Leonard, imagine a creaking noise from an old cartoon, and take a deep breath in. 

“NOT ONLY DO YOU TURN ME INTO A SUCCUBUS WITH GOAT CHEESE CRAVINGS THAT RESULTED IN MY TOILET ALMOST GETTING CLOGGED YESTERDAY. NOT ONLY DO YOU FUCK UP THE ENTIRE APARTMENT BUILDING AND MAKE ME DEAL WITH A FUCKING CHANNER IN A FIST FIGHT. NOT ONLY ARE YOU UNABLE TO CONTACT MY ANCESTOR TO FIX THE CRAVINGS.” I took another deep breath, since I was running out of it, and yelled at the top of my lungs, loud enough that the angels up above would probably hear it. “BUT TO TOP IT ALL OFF, YOU DRAG MY ASS TO HELL BY ACCIDENT!!!!!”  Leonard was profoundly terrified at this point. The combination of being in hell, surrounded by three demons and a hot… fallen… angel… oh fuck the hot one is Lucifer aren’t they. Now I feel dumb for not connecting the dots right away. Of COURSE Lucy would be Hot Like That. Anyways. Leonard was almost ready to reenact Solid Snake and Otacon’s first meeting. I can’t believe those two ended up dating and adopted a little girl together. Lucifer whistled. 

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“Last time I heard of someone looking like you do right now, Lily, it was The Grieving Mother right after her heart shattered. I do dig the flaming eyes thing.” They hummed, and Baphomet snorted next to them. 

“Hey Lily, could you close your right eye for just a second, and look over here?” I did as they had asked, noticing them taking a picture with their phone. “Oh he’s gonna groan so much that I won’t let him live that one down.” They stashed their phone in their shorts, and I took a couple breaths to calm down. I hadn’t even noticed my glamour had turned off, and the flame on my arms was like an aura of cat claws. Hey, I could even see toe beans in the flames. Leonard gulped, finally returning to reality from being frozen stiff from fear. Which made my brain finally catch up to something Lucifer had mentioned. 

“Wait what, we’re both going here? Is it me being a succubus and Leonard doing magic?” It would make some sense, but dammit I didn’t want to end up being tortured for eternity because someone way back when fucked a hot succubus lady. 

“Oh, no, I have a claim to the souls of all trans people, for protecting. I’m genderfluid you see. One of the reasons I got kicked out of Heaven, my Ren didn’t like me having a gender.” Lucifer turned to gesture to one of the pillars. “So, when someone who is trans dies, I grab their souls and give them a lovely apartment to spend eternity in, in one of those skyscrapers.” They sighed and rubbed their eyes. “Unfortunately, that deal means I can’t actually trade in them, nobody can, meaning they’re unsellable for contract based transitions. Blame God.” Well, that would explain why my idle thoughts never actually worked. It would, if I was trans. I’m not allowed to be trans, I can’t be a girl, dad won’t let me, he wants an heir to the Donnellan name. 

“That sounds… nice I guess? Anyways, uhm, can we get back somehow? You did say it was too early for us.” I rubbed my shoulder, which made me realise I should turn my glamour on before returning to Earth. 

“Oh yeah, no prob, do say hi to Bournie for me. Tell him I got some Pocky for him once he’s back.” Lucifer snapped their fingers and pointed up, and the scene around me and Leonard changed back to the seminar room, with Bournael standing there. 

“Oh for- I turn around for two seconds and humans are starting shit. Alright, you had your fun, now let’s fucking go deal with a capitalist cannibal.” Bournael shook his head, and I shrugged, walking over to him. 

“Oh yeah, Lucifer told me they got Pocky for you when you get back.” 

“Did that supermodel tell you what flavor?” 

“Nope, sorry, too busy making Leonard piss himself and getting a… scary fact.” 

“Figures. Never gets their thoughts out completely. It’s why they’re not allowed to DM the DnD sessions, they always forget to mention stuff.” He shrugged, and turned to Leonard. “Alright Lebowski, get your ass up, we’re going on a train ride.”