Chapter 4: 2014 (Age 22)

Some days, Kevin felt like giving in and becoming a selfish, sadistic jerk. Sometimes he took things out on Cindy, which he usually regretted later, but it was hard to control his thoughts.

12 Jan 2014:
There’s only one person on this planet that matters and that’s me. I am the only person that I should care about. Evolution has put a mental block in my way. But the truth is that I’m the only person who matters. Fuck the rest.

P.S. Cindy, you are a waste of fucking brain space. You are not real. I hate you. Go commit imaginary friend suicide.

That’s not to say that he felt like this all the time. He did care about other people, but wasn’t always sure how to help. Kevin became increasingly angry at society, and guilty for his part in it.

18 Jan 2014:
I want to volunteer. I want to help people in developing countries. But I have read that ‘voluntourism’ can do more harm than good. Then I read about many charities. I don’t see how I can help beyond giving money. I’m not even sure of any charity that meets all my principles. Maybe there is no ethical answer.

6 Apr 2014:

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The fact is, I’m at war. Not just with my parents. I’m at war with the system. I’m at war with the entire fucking world. If it were just my parents, then running away might have worked. But now I know that my parents are just one instance of a bigger fucking evil. In comparison to the big evil, my parents are the good guys.

8 Nov 2014:
I’m so fucking angry right now. I’ve been reading about global poverty. There is only one solution: moral outrage. Demand change. I can’t believe that anyone would allow the system to get so bad. This is society’s fault. This is all society’s fault and they deserve to fucking die. I can’t live with this guilt. It’s killing me.

As Kevin and Cindy shared a mind, it was time for the two to set some boundaries. But this raised a question, who exactly is Kevin? Cindy had an identity independent of a physical body, but up until now Kevin’s identity had been tied to their body.

13 Nov 2014

I think it’s time to formally share my brain + body. From now on, it belongs to both of us.

I’ve never really thought about who I am. I define myself as a girl with black hair, dark purple eyeshadow, kind of thin, flat chested, dark clothes, emo/depressed look, very tired, kind of apathetic, tired voice, serious work, brings-home-the-bacon kind of person.

 

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