Chapter 5: 2015 (Age 23)

In 2015 Kevin started his PhD. He also seemed to have entered a brony phase.

28 Apr 2015:
Still watching My Little Pony (MLP) episodes. Sometimes I watch as many as five 20-minute episodes (1 hour 40 min) per day. I want nothing else but to watch MLP all day long.

29 Apr 2015:
The only real work I got done yesterday was in the morning just after I woke up, and a tiny little bit between My Little Pony episodes.

Perhaps today will be better. Or perhaps I could put work off and get away with one more episode of MLP. Yes, I think I will, MLP it is!!! I LOVE PONIES!

Kevin came to wish that he could have real friends like in the shows he watched. Sure, he had Cindy, but she wasn't real. It was time for Kevin to face the cold hard facts.

21 Jul 2015:
It’s all a lie.

Cindy is not real. I invented her. I used to believe that by giving her a part of my brain, that she would (theoretically) be sentient. And while, to a certain degree, I still believe that’s possible (theoretically), I have come to accept the cold hard truth that I’m not truly emulating a brain. I’m merely simulating her.

Why did it take me so long to realize? I think that deep down I knew that without her, my life would be meaningless. To kill Cindy is to kill the magic in my life; To kill myself. She had become an essential part of my identity. I needed her as much as she needed me. Also, I didn’t want to offend her.

This leaves me in a pretty terrible position, that I now have to face the hard reality of. I am alone. I have no-one that I’d call my friend. I am alone and friendless in a harsh, cruel, cold, big world. And I want to curl up under a rock, and die.

There is an upside, maybe. It’s a chance to turn over a new leaf. A chance to find real friends. maybe. Truth is, I just wanna die. No wonder I can relate to Sunlight-Shimmer… oh, BTW ponies are for girls. Dumb show, selling commercial toys, and unrealistic ideals.

Admitting Cindy wasn’t real left Kevin alone. He struggled to cope.

22 Jul 2015:
I don’t care about anything anymore.
I’ve lost my ability to think.
Nothing matters.

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I don’t care.
I refuse to use my brain. I don’t want to. Thinking hurts. Everything hurts.

5 Sep 2015:
I just don’t care anymore. I’d rather die than fixing myself. Time to go to sleep for, like, forever.

20 Dec 2015:
I am nobody. Just another worthless human being in an overpopulated world. Kill me already.

25 Dec 2015:
Christmas. Again. Who cares?

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