Chapter 8: 2018 (Age 26)

As Kevin became increasingly uncomfortable with how he looked, he started to wonder if a gender transition might make sense after all.

11 Aug 2018:
I’m at uni. For the past few months I’ve been coming into uni on Saturday afternoon rather than going home. It’s a good feeling.

I noticed myself in the uni’s mirror when I was washing my hands (unlike the mirrors at home, these ones work rather than seeing myself as a foggy blur). I could see the dark ugly hairs stemming out of my chin due to not shaving. Sure it’s partly my fault for not shaving this morning, but I can’t be bothered shaving everyday. Perhaps estrogen would help make my facial hair lighter. Even if I don’t make a full transition, I’d be happier gender neutral than male. Failing that, I wondered if it might be better just to stick a paper bag over my face (apparently that’s legal).

Anyhow, I wonder whether a gender transition might make sense. I haven’t transitioned so far because I didn’t think looks were important, and therefore concluded that it would be better to focus on achieving my more tangible life goals. However, maybe looks are more functional than I gave credit for; just ask any designer, looks can set a mood, or inspire a certain way of thinking. I wanna be able to smile to make people feel happy and inspired to be kind rather than creeped out. (In fairness, I do smile a lot, and people aren’t creeped out -- I think it still helps, but perhaps they just feel sympathy/pity because I come across as autistic rather than beautiful.)

That said, being on the feminine side was not without its downsides.

8 Nov 2018:

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Walking home from the train at night, I felt someone behind me gently nip me on the butt (i.e. used two fingers to pinch one of my buttocks slightly with their hand). I shook my head in confusion, then the guys started laughing. As I walked off, I felt it was not cool and that I should do something, so said “watch it, guys” in a quiet to moderate voice while making a weak pointing gesture as I walked off in the opposite direction.

While it’s not a big deal to me (it’s kind of a novelty, and makes me feel a bit sexy), I did feel as if my sense of safety (i.e. my expectation that others won’t touch without asking) had been violated, and a concern that they would repeat it on others (particularly girls).

Kevin started labelling his things as “Kevie”.

25 Dec 2018:
I’ve been writing “Kev” or even sometimes “Kevie” on the cereal boxes/food that I own in order to give my family the hint that I want a more gender neutral name.

 

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