Chapter 53: Chapter 52

Ashley was not nearly as fast as I had been changing back - but like me, she had inexplicably changed back into her normal human self.

After another moment of hugs, Mom and Dad suggested that we both get some clothes on - which I was more than thrilled to agree to. A few minutes later, and we all finally were able to sit down in the family room, and process what had just happened. Gosh it felt good to wear clothes again, even if my pants and underwear had an uncomfortable hole in the back.

Even when we were all back together, no words were exchanged for a while. We just sat there, breathing slow and deep, trying to process what had happened. Dad stared at the ceiling in a daze. Mom put away the dog bowls and beds. Ashley sat on the couch, rubbing her smooth arms. And on the other side of the couch, I leaned into Jackie's embrace.

"I just... I just can't believe it," Dad broke the silence that had lasted for several minutes. "You just... you changed so quickly! And in contrast to what we'd seen previously, it looked like it wasn't really all that painful."

I shook my head - which felt really weird without my ears flopping around. "It didn't... at least physically anyway." I put my hand against my head. "Gosh I've got an awful headache."

"You said it," Ashley said with a groan.

I laid back against the couch for a moment, closing my eyes. Mom got my attention, and I sat up to find her offering me a glass of water and Ibuprofen.

"Thanks," I said, downing the pills.

I groaned, and licked my - I stopped. I wasn't able to. I didn't have a long dog tongue anymore, or a snout. Reaching the best I could, my tongue still was a few centimeters below my nose. It had never been so short. It felt... unnatural, even though I knew from a life of people reacting to it, that my previously long tongue had been far more unnatural to others.

Jackie giggled at my failed attempt, squeezing my hand.

"This...," Dad said. "I just... I don't know how this could've happened. It's like... you took control."

"Of the virus?" I asked.

"No...," Dad said, "the nanoparticles... we found out that Seth put them into you, and then we unlocked them, but weren't... wait. Oh my gosh."

"Dad I can't read your thoughts," I said.

"But the particles can," he said with excitement. "Or I suppose, in a way. We tried to control the nanoparticles, but the signal was interrupted, interrupted by something else - the signal from your brain."

"Our... brains?" Ashley asked.

"It's going to take a lot of investigation," Dad said. "But... wow. I'm just... wow."

I placed my hand against my forehead - my very smooth forehead. Gosh that felt weird. My head still hurt bad.

"Augh... my memory of the past month...," I said. "It's really cloudy. Is this how it feels to get drunk, or wake up from a coma? Both sound really not fun."

"I think," Mom said, "that you and Ashley probably could use some rest."

"Yes," I said.

"Hear hear," Ashley agreed.

I glanced to Jackie. She smiled, and I could see in her eyes that in her own way, she desperately needed that too.

****

"So...," Jackie asked, "what was it like... just... all of it?"

We sat at her house, idly playing Stardew Valley. Her Mom had been overjoyed to see me, and was now, despite my protests, planning on ordering pizza and inviting my family over. I blinked at the screen, trying my best to run through how to play again. I hoped it was just because I hadn't played in a while, and not anything to do with my awful change. Physically playing it even was hard, as all the muscle memory I'd figured out on the Switch was when I'd had finger pads.

I sat quiet for a few moment as I pondered Jackie's question.

"I... I don't know."

Jackie's snout wrinkled. "What kind of an answer is that?"

"Honestly," I said, "I just... I can remember some stuff before we fully changed, and as I was pulling out of it... but everything in the middle is just... I can't explain it. Obviously having a tail, fur, and all that wasn't new. But as for the dog instincts and everything... I'm not sure I can even remember them. It's like... I can remember some smells distinctly, vague monochrome images... but... I dunno."

"I wonder," Jackie said, idly scratching the fur on her cheek, "if it has something to do with language. I read something once, about how some people who learned language later on in life, they couldn't really remember life before that well - it was like they now had a way to not only speak, but a way to think as well - language allowed them to organize thoughts. Thus, because the time before they had no way to organize thoughts, and the memories were less clearly defined."

"I... I think that actually makes a lot of sense," I said. "I never really... thought anything. I just felt happy, or sad. Or confused. Everything was in the moment. I didn't active think about past thinks, just reacted, and I'd recognize stuff I was reacting to. There were moments though... times where I think maybe I barely peeked out of the fog."

"Like when?" Jackie asked.

"I... let me think," I said.

I sorted through that vast ocean of vague memories, barely finding much I could remember, but a few things came to mind.

"I remember... being confused," I said. "I remember... that everyone was happy when I was happy... but sad at the same time. It... it's what I felt when I finally began to gain a hold on my thoughts again. You were sad. I wanted you to be happy. I knew that I hadn't done something wrong... and I wanted you to be happy."

Jackie frowned, looking down at the ground. She gripped a pillow on the couch until she trembled. "It was... it was so hard Matt. I was constantly battling with worry and anxiety, sure that I'd never get to talk to you again. But at the same time, you were so happy as a dog. When you started to think again... I felt so happy... until I saw the pain you were in... I felt like I had just ruined you."

I took her hand, and grasped it tight. "It's okay. I'm really glad you pushed me there. I... thinking back, there was something nice - at least from what I can remember. Everything I can remember feels very simple, very easy to understand. But then... then there's living as a human. Most things are far more complex. But... gosh it feels... richer. I don't know why. It feels like I can feel more, comprehend more about how good something is. I just... I'm glad that I'm myself again."

"Yeah," Jackie smiled.

But her eyes revealed more. "What's wrong?" I asked.

She opened her mouth, but then seemed to change her mind.

"What is it Jackie?" I asked. "Please. I haven't been able to talk to you, I don't care if something is hard to say, or doesn't make sense, I just... I just want to listen."

She sighed. "You're a human again."

I let out a slow exhale. "Oh."

"I feel like a child," Jackie said.

"You're not a child," I told her. "I... I understand."

"It's just...," she said, "I... I fell in love you... but with a different you. I know that's bizarre. I... gosh, I feel so shallow."

I looked up at the screen. Jackie had a greenhouse full of a mystical ancient fruit, and we were now harvesting it to make it into jelly. I idly pressed the buttons on my controller, moving from line to line of the pixel crops, my mind mostly blank.

"Jackie? Matt?" Jackie's Mom called from upstairs, "the pizza's here!"

Jackie navigated some menus to save the game, and I took the opportunity while she was distracted to kiss her on the cheek. I smiled as she let out a giggle. It felt different though. All I could think about was that she was a dog girl, and I was a human. It no longer felt like a kin-ship, us making the best of a bad situation. I could talk to her again, but now I was conscious of the new way we were separated.

This feeling did not go away as we went upstairs. My parents had been talking with Jackie's Mom, while Ashley had already grabbed a slice of hawaiian pizza. I got a slice of meat-lovers and sat down next to Ashley, looking over at my parents. If If felt separated from Jackie... the separation from my parents felt worse.

I felt a coldness slowly progress through me, ice slowly forming in my veins. This was silly. I still loved Jackie. I still loved my parents. It didn't matter how each of us looked. We were family.

After taking a few bites of my pizza, and slumped back in my chair, glancing to Ashley. She eagerly chomped down on her second slice, her first finished. Interestingly, I noticed that she was wiggling her bottom slightly.

"Miss the tail?" I smiled.

Her eyebrows shot up. "What? No."

"I dunno a video Jackie showed me makes it seem like you really enjoyed it while a dog, especially when playing with a frisbee."

Ashley huffed. "Force of habit. Nothing more."

"Food does taste... less with less powerful smell."

Ashley's firm stoicism softened a little. "Yeah... you're right."

Jackie sat down with her own pizza, as my parents did. My parents continued talking with Jackie's Mom, my dad driving the conversation, mostly about studying all the information they'd gotten from Seth's lab.

I remained quiet, eating my pizza.

"You okay?" Jackie asked.

"I'm alright," I said, smiling the best I could.

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"I don't think you are," Jackie said.

I shrugged. Just a little out of it is all.

"How do you feel," my Dad changed gears to our conversation, "now that you're yourself again?"

Everyone's attention was on me. What I really wanted to say was that I didn't feel like myself. So much sacrifice, so much effort in adjusting. I had fought hard these past months of being canis to own who I was, and to work to care for those who struggled with their new selves. I was taken back to that moment months ago when I had told my parents that I liked being canis, that if I had the opportunity, I would not change back.

Thoughts ran through my mind of what this would mean now. What would happen when this brief spark of elation ended? Would Dad find a way to use Seth's technology to change him and Mom back? Would the world be cured? That would leave Jackie.... Jackie...

"Matt?"

"I feel... naked."

They stared at me in silence, blinking. Jackie held my hand. I took a deep breath.

"I feel great again, that I can think, that I can live a real life again... but... this isn't me. Or at least, this is the old me. This was me before I had the courage to deal with a life changing event. This was me before I made the effort to go out and help people with similar struggles."

They stayed silent.

 I feel naked without my fur," I went on. "I feel happy... but... without my tail, it feels like I'm physically unable to smile."

Jackie smiled slightly, though it was tinged with pain.

"You... you really wish that you could be a canid again?" Mom asked.

"I... I guess yeah," I smiled sheepishly. "Does that make me weird?"

Jackie hugged me. "It makes us perfect for each other, I'd say."

I held Jackie close against me, and glanced to Ashley. She seemed, as she often was the case, a bit unreadable sometimes. One thing I did feel confident in - she did not seem nearly as happy as I expected her to.

"Do you think...," I said to my Dad, "that we could really find a way to make me canis again?"

"I don't know Matt," he said, scratching at one of his ears. "I... I'll admit I'm starting to understand what you're saying. I was planning on starting to work on changing Meagan and I back... but now I'm less sure. Even so, do you really want us to stick our paws back into that mess of genetics, and possibly ruin things again? I'm stressed enough just thinking about trying to extricate Seth's nanotech from your body... do you really want to risk making yourself canis again?"

I huffed a sigh. I felt deep disappointment - and also some tinge of childishness. I was sad that I wasn't a dog. Last year if someone had told me that, and they'd be dead serious, I would've kindly suggested they get some psychological help. In that moment though, it felt like a deep hunger in me. A hunger to be myself again.

"Yeah... I don't know," Jackie's mom said. "It took so long to figure out how to change you in this direction."

"You're right," I sighed. "You're all right. Maybe it'd be selfish of me to take Dad away from more important work. I imagine that as soon as you to work tomorrow, you're going to be working full force on scouring through all this new information, and the path to making a cure."

"It'll be alright," my mom said. "Like your dad said, having gone through this ourselves, I can understand how jarring changing back must feel - but just try your best to focus on the positives - and you can still help people with canis, even as a human."

"I know that I should consider myself incredibly lucky," I said, "and be happy that I can... that I can just actually live my life again... but... I don't know. It's like... how do I even go back to living like I did before canis hit?"

"And you also have to face the fact that you have a mountain of homework," Jackie said with a cringe.

"And that everyone thinks Ashley and I are still canis."

My dad let out a long, stressed exhale.

Jackie grimaced. "And... they think you were in a coma too."

This was news to me. I hadn't really thought about it, but obviously they would've had to come up with a reason for why we'd mysteriously disappeared for a month.

"But I understand what you're saying," Jackie said. "A lot has changed."

"I've changed a lot deep down too," I said. "And... I don't know. I... admitted it earlier, as I grew accustomed to being canis, I kind of started looking back at my normal self as the old me, who had it easy, and didn't have to deal with much challenge in life."

"Hopefully though we'll solve this challenge," Jackie said, "... trying to explain why you're suddenly human again..."

I grinned. "So here's what happened," I said in a dramatic tone, "my beautiful love knelt down next to my bedside, and gave me true love's kiss - "

The others chuckled. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Ugh," Jackie stuck out her tongue, "I swear, if you - "

"And," I went on, "I transformed into an honestly uglier looking prince than who I was as a beast."

Their laughter stopped.

Jackie's face went serious. "Stop that Matt, you all have spent months getting on my case about not beating myself up - "

"I'm only joking. Kinda."

She put her hand against my back, sighing. She rubbed my back through my shirt, obviously feeling my noticeably fur-less body.

"Matt...," my mom asked, "are you really telling the truth when you say that you wish you were canis again?"

On impulse, I began trying to think of some funny way to answer, some big hyperbolic statement - but I decided against it.

"Yes," I smiled, sitting up straight. "It's what I want."

The smile on Jackie's face grew a bit more defined.

 You... you changed yourself," she whispered.

I caught onto her line of thinking.

"Do you think... do you think I could do it again?"

Jackie was silent. My dad seemed more than a little concerned.

I tensed my body. I imagined fur growing from my skin, my ears becoming longer and floppy. It didn't work.

"How exactly," I thought out loud, "does one tell some nanobots you want to be an anthropomorphic dog?"

"You probably understand it far more than I do," Jackie said. "But... even if you can't change back... I still love you Matt."

We held hands tightly. I truly loved her, despite how she physically looked. Maybe there was more of me, rather than less, that liked her because of how she physically looked. All I knew was that I wanted to be there for her all I could - not just because I wanted to help her through life, but because she had helped me. Simply, she made me happy.

And I started to feel it. I felt a feeling budding at the base of my spine. I latched onto it. Yes!

Jackie let go of my hand, and she tried to mask her smile once she realized what was going on - but gave up, grinning widely. The others watched, mouths going agape. I felt the fur growing all over me. My ears began to climb up my head. My nose began to grow wet.

And somehow, it all felt amazing, exciting. The anguish I had felt during my first change was long gone. This time, I embraced the transformation. I felt an electric invigoration through my veins in a way I couldn't describe. It felt simply incredible.

In a minute or so, the feeling faded. I reached up to my face - and there was my muzzle and snout once again. I panted with a smile, and licked my nose, my tongue once again its proper length. Most important of all...

I reached behind me, and guided my tail through the hole in my pants. I gave it a good wag, just closing my eyes and letting myself enjoy the feeling. I was surely smiling like I was very intoxicated. My parents, Ashley, and Jackie's mom probably thought I was the weirdest person in the world, but I didn't care. I was the weird dog boy, and no one was going to take that away from me.

"Feel better?" Jackie asked.

"Yes," I grinned, opening my eyes to see her beautiful smile. "Because I'm finally myself again."

Then I licked her face. She giggled and then happily licked mine. We laughed for a moment, and I looked to my family.

"I...," my dad said slowly, a slight nervous smile on his face, "have no idea what reality is anymore."

I hugged Jackie. I honestly didn't know either. All that mattered to me was that I was myself. And I was happy.