Chapter 21: Chapter 21: Year 1, Day 5 (Part 4): Moving Forward

It was impossible to not feel guilt over what happened. Regardless of whether it was called a game or not, there were real, living people who died brutal deaths that they felt every moment of, and it was because of my failure. Now, they very well might get punished back in Hell for how I behaved before.

I ran from my problems by retreating to the tent. That alone was shameful. When something serious happened and everybody was waiting for my response to it, I showed them that my response was to run away.

That was something I would regret for the rest of my life.

I needed to face them. Properly. I needed to show them that I was a leader worth following who wouldn’t run away just because something didn’t go my way, even if that was exactly what I did. That was why I also had to propose a plan to them and why I had to do everything in my power to see that plan through. Having a plan and proving that I could complete it was needed to regain their trust. Or rather, to regain some of their trust. I doubted that I would be able to regain all of it that simply.

But I was prepared to work my hardest to earn their trust back.

And of course, Enna was already standing there right outside my tent when I pushed the entrance flap away.

“A-ah! Sorry! I—I wasn’t listening or anything!” Enna explained in a panic. “I—are… are you alright?”

I wanted to tell her I was fine, but that would be a lie. “I’m not sure how to answer that right now. All I can say is that I know what I need to do.”

“Do you… want to talk? I—I want to help you however I can.”

“Then answer me a question like always. You’ve seen previous games, right?”

Enna nodded.

“How often do the ‘players’ lose one of their starting units this early?”

“Not… not often. At least… not unintentionally.”

“I had a feeling that was the case. Tell me something else. Who usually leads a faction? Where are the other leaders chosen from?”

“Typically within one’s faction. This… is actually the first time a member of a minor species has been chosen to lead a faction. At least, prior to their assimilation into the ascended realms. Though, some members of the Divine Pantheon will try and steal the greatest strategists from other members. Usually by offering wealth and power… but you didn’t ask about that. I’m sorry, I’m rambling.”

“You’re fine. All of that is useful information. It lets me know that I’m just some human going up against probably the best strategists of the universe, and everybody’s going to be watching to see how I do. That’s a lot of pressure.”

“I—I didn’t mean to pressure you even more! I know you’re already under so much of it and that you’re not used to this sort of thing.”

“No, it’s good. I’ll admit, it freaks me out a little, but I’m a human. Not only that, but I’m an American. When everybody is looking down on me and thinking I’m out of the fight, it makes me want to try all the harder to prove them wrong and show them who the best is. If anything, the more people I know are looking down on me, the better I’ll do. I’m stubborn like that.”

“Are… you sure?”

“I am.”

“Then… should I mention that there are trillions of living beings across the ascended realms watching us?”

“I appreciate that you’re trying to help after what I said… but that might have taken things a bit too far.”

“I’m sorry!”

“No, it’s fine. I basically asked for it. I just have to keep in mind that I’ve got an audience in the trillions watching my every mistake. That’ll be a lot of motivation to not make any mistakes. Also, can they see what happens inside of buildings? For example, can they see me while I’m asleep in my tent?”

Enna, thankfully, shook her head. “No. Only buildings designated as public places can have their internal layout watched. Apparently, back in the first games, everything could be seen… but that led to… well… m-many private matters being made public. There was a lot of controversy because of that…”

That was a huge relief. I didn’t want people watching me in my sleep… and I didn’t want people watching me whenever I had mini breakdowns, either.

There was also the fact that it meant I wouldn’t be getting watched whenever I had to take care of personal needs.

I was no exhibitionist.

“Alright,” I said. “Enna, can you gather everybody by the portal?”

“Right now?” Enna asked.

“Please.”

“Then, I’ll do that right away!”

Enna left to do as told and I let out a deep breath in an attempt to prepare myself for what came next.

 

It didn’t take long for Enna to gather everybody up. Technically, the other unit of spearmen weren’t there, but everybody short of them was gathered and ready to see what I brought them together for in front of the camp’s portal.

They probably already knew. Why else would I gather them all together? The context of the situation made it obvious.

Enna, Sara, Thad, and everybody else was there. Their expressions looked worried. They were unsure of me. That made sense. Why wouldn’t they be?

All I could do was hold my head up high and be honest with both myself and them.

“I fucked up,” I said. “It’s my fault that we lost our first battle. It’s my fault that they suffered and—”

“What are you on about?” Thad spoke up, cutting me off. “Don’t tell me you’re blaming yourself for that.”

And just as soon as I began my speech, I was completely thrown off guard. “It—it is my fault, and I’m here to take responsibility for it. That’s what a good leader does. I—”

“Bah. It was bad luck. That’s all. Nobody is blaming you for that. None of us knew those crabs were going to spawn there just in time for them to get intercepted.”

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“I can’t just chalk things up to bad luck. Maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal if I wasn’t disrespecting Lucif—”

“Lucy?”

I really didn’t know what to say at that point. I was ready to swallow at least part of my pride for the safety of the demons, but Thad was apparently determined to make that pointless. “I don’t want to put your lives at risk. We can win this without risking what might happen to you when you return.”

“None of us want that.”

“What?”

“You heard me. We don’t want that. You’ve already inspired us. Here, we’ve got the opportunity to bring Lucy down a notch. We can talk shit about him as much as we want and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it! Sure, he might execute us when we return, but we already know that. Those who want to play it safe don’t have to join in on openly talking about him and Hell’s conditions either. No matter how much you openly disrespect him, we’re not going to get punished for it as long as we don’t agree with you. But if we dance and sing about it, openly mock him, or anything else, that yeah—we’re probably going to be punished. But none of us are being forced by you to do that.”

“Is it worth potentially throwing your life away to disrespect him in a game? If you die because of what you say or do here, you’ll never get to say or do anything else where it really matters.”

“Listen. We disrespect him there or say anything that he doesn’t like, and it’s either prison, where we get treated like slaves for the rest of our lives, or execution. Anything we do there is pointless. But here? We can talk as much as we want and there’s nothing he can do about it. I can say that I want to take a piss down his throat and there’s not a thing he can do… until I return. I just earned my execution by saying that. But this game gives us an opportunity to openly oppose him. He can’t censor what’s happening here like he can in Hell, and the Divine Pantheon mandates that everybody be allowed to watch if they want to. There is nothing he can do while we’re here. I, and some of the others, plan on taking advantage of that now that you’ve inspired us. You understand that?”

The rest of the demons around looked to be in agreement, save for Sara who was off to the side keeping to herself and Enna who just looked nervous like always.

Then there was me. I prided myself on being American, but I was being outdone by somebody with an American spirit far brighter than my own. Everything he said sounded like true, American stubbornness. Refusing to bow down to authority and resisting no matter the danger. Thad had every intention of doing what he believed was right regardless of the risk, and he was willing to sentence himself to death to say he would piss down the devil’s throat.

Thad the Chad, I thought. I wouldn’t call him that out loud since it felt too cheesy, but he was undeniably a Chad going by what few internet memes I knew of.

With that, I took a deep breath and realized what I really needed to say.

They didn’t need a motivational speech or anything like that. They didn’t need me to try and reassure them of my ability.

What they needed was an honest leader who stayed true to his values to lead them and continue to encourage them.

“I’ve got some issues,” I said. “Depression. Anxiety. I lived every day on Earth only making it by because of pills that kept me sane. I probably would have killed myself years ago without them. That, and trying to be like my old man, were all that kept me going. Now, I’ve got no meds and a few planets’ worth of pressure on my shoulders. All I did before was play games. It was all that I was good at, and those games never included real people suffering in them. I have no idea how to lead people. I’ve never even done a group project in school before. Everything you see here is just an act. All I’m doing is trying to be like my old man, copying every part of his personality because I hate my own.”

Everybody had their eyes on me and were genuinely listening to every word I said. Even Sara looked like she was more interested than before.

“I hate myself. I hate the kid that I used to be. I hate my parents for abandoning me and throwing me into a system that didn’t give a shit about me in a country that didn’t even want me. That’s why I’m doing everything I can to be somebody who I want to be. Even if it means acting like somebody else, I’ll do it if it means becoming a better person. That would be my old man. He took me in and taught me to always stick to my guns no matter what the consequences. He told me to always stand up for myself and to speak my mind no matter who it might piss off. Doing any of that is extremely hard and makes me feel sick to my stomach from how nervous I get, but I’m always proud of myself for doing it. Even now, I feel like my heart is about to pop out through my chest and like I want to vomit all over the ground, but I already feel proud of myself for even talking about any of this, and that’s a feeling I wouldn’t trade for anything else.”

Thad crossed his arms over his chest and nodded at me with a gentle smile.

“So, if you feel the same way—if you’re tired of how things have been your entire lives and you want to change, you want to speak your minds without fear of censorship, and you want to live lives that you are proud of, then let’s do exactly that. We’ll continue saying whatever we want, even if it means we’re all going to get executed for it. We’ll dance and sing about whatever we want, even if it means being used for slave labor for the rest of our lives. And we’re going to win and assert our dominance over everybody who would try to beat us down, even if it means we may have to sacrifice some of us to do so. That’s what being free is all about. It means living the lives we’re proudest of, and being willing to sacrifice for them.”

Some of the demons looked worried about that part as they clearly weren’t ready to seriously throw down their lives, but that was alright. Not everybody needed to be on the same page. Only enough did, and I had more than enough as Thad led a cheer that got others to join him.

“Starting today, we’re going to—”

The sound of swirling energy that the portal usually made came to a sudden stop. Looking behind myself, I saw that the portal was inactive with a status message floating in front of it.

I felt like I was reading something extremely important, but I was having a hard time really processing what it meant until Sara pushed me out of the way to read the message herself.

It was only when she looked at me with genuine fear, if not heartbreak as well, that I understood how bad the situation was.

“This is all because of you,” Sara told me, looking like she was ready to punch me in the face before flying off in a hurry.

Enna read the message next and couldn’t stop shaking as she did.

“What’s it mean?” I asked her.

“Aside… aside from the… obvious, it means… we’ve been abandoned,” Enna explained. “If any of us die here… that’s it. We won’t return to Hell. You, too. And… Sara. He abandoned all of us, even his own daughter.”

“I thought he wanted to win to put God in his place? I thought he cared about winning Earth?”

“He… he does. Very much so. I have no idea what he is thinking…”

Thad stepped up and slapped us both on the back before saying, “He’s thinking that he’s so afraid of what we’ve got to say that he’d rather take a loss than let us become a symbol to the rest of Hell’s people. Hah! What a coward!”

“But if he withdraws support… it means they’re no longer aligned to a specific faction, which means they should be allowed to watch everybody. Including us still.”

“Huh. Good point. Maybe he hopes we’re going to die out quickly since we won’t be able to grow our numbers without a population source.”

The consequences of my speech became nerve-rackingly obvious. “Then… this means we can’t grow our population, which means we won’t be able to expand our military or staff modifications?”

Thad slapped my back again with an even wider smile than before. “That’s right, kid. We’re all on our own now.”

“To continue the streak of me being honest then… I’m going to throw up.”

“Guess I should stop slapping your back then. Try not to worry about it too much. I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

I had no idea where Thad’s confidence was coming from, but I appreciated it since it was the only thing keeping me from breaking. Barely.

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