CHAPTER 15 – WAR HOLLYWOOD STYLE

The red morning sun began to rise from its slumber and woke up the two bases with its first light. The Democratic, Islamic, and foreign TV crews stationed near the base commanders they were sent to cover, hastily prepared their cameras facing the enemy base while Ashraff and Stone, whose eyes were stuck in their most sophisticated military binoculars, viewed each other from a distance, took their eyes off the binoculars, looked at their watches that stopped at six AM, announcing the sign for the commencement of the battle. The clicks of TV cameras doing their work began recording the bitter battle. They documented the sound of artillery fire from cannons and tanks, and lighter fire from grenades and automatic rifles that mingled with each other creating a terrifying cacophony that was followed by smoke and dust raised high in the area close to both bases. The tanks roared ahead and continued shooting at the enemy. The infantry soldiers started pushing forward and every once in a while, they hid and continued shooting while the enemy artillery, tanks and soldiers tried to fire back but were forced to withdraw time and again. After an hour of continuous fighting that seemed like an eternity, the battle calmed down a bit, the shooting stopped, and a loud and terrifying silence prevailed in the area of the Islamic base. The rest of its soldiers, tanks, and cannons retreated and were stationed again ten kilometers away from the Democrats. Stone continued to watch with his binoculars and mumbled in his mobile phone “This is it.” In the meantime, Ashraff also looked through his  binoculars and mumbled in his phone “This is it.” Both base commanders watched each other in their binoculars and signaled one another with their heads. Right afterwards, the TV crews started to advance until they arrived and stopped in front of the battlefield. All the Democratic, Islamic, and foreign TV crews were in the best places they could organize for themselves and started reporting about the rough situation of both armies:  soldiers  were lightly, medium, and seriously injured, moaning from pain, helpless. The soldiers who died in the battle: their sighs rose to heaven and disappeared like the black smoke from the cannons, tanks, armored personnel carriers, and the other equipment damaged in the field. Some were burnt and sooty while others were still  in flames. The TV crews from all over the world broadcast  the sights and sounds from the field while the two Presidents yelled into the TV cameras in their offices. Monro smiled.

“Good morning to all citizens of the Democratic Organization and to the citizens of the world. We are winning the war. This morning we landed a heavy blow to the Islamic soldiers, and we won. I am the Commander-in-Chief and the admired leader who will destroy Aswad, the new enemy. I will hit Aswad like David destroyed Goliath; I will lead the world a new way.”

Aswad laughed contemptuously.

 “Good morning to the citizens of the Islamic Forces and  of the world. Our enemy Monro is lying to you. Indeed, the Democratic army attacked us but encountered great losses and retreated in disgrace. I am the holy warrior, Islam's new prophet who will eliminate Monro and his atheist army from the face of the earth, the enemies of the Arabs and of Islam. I’ll take the world to a better future.”

At the end of their speeches, the two arrogant and boastful leaders applauded enthusiastically and signaled all over the victory sign with their fingers.

The TV crews finished shooting, shook hands with the two base commanders, packed their things, left the hell of the war that the camera shot from every angle with every lens hoping to receive the prestigious Pulitzer Prize. After the TV crews left, Barney, Ashraff, Stone and the officers of the two bases arrived in their Hummers to view the horrific killing field and carefully checked that there were no outsiders in the vicinity. Stone and Ashraff shot the killing field from different angles and afterward stood near Barney while he raised his hand  like a great, almighty magician, like the leader of the leaders and screamed with pathos:

“Cut! You can stand up now!” He said to himself, with satisfaction “Escalation war, love memories of war.”

Suddenly, like a sign from heaven, as if by magic, like a miraculous revelation, all the lightly injured, the severely injured, the dead stood up suddenly, applauded enthusiastically and started dancing Disco, Hip Hop, Arabic dances, and together with Barney, the greatest comedian of all, who had orchestrated them, they screamed and sang together with their hearts beating powerfully.

“Born to be wild, born to be wild” from the movie “Easy Rider” in funny English and Arabic accents.

Stone and Ashraff smiled, patted each other on the back and hugged. The officers and soldiers of both bases joined the celebration by hugging and kissing, especially the injured and the dead of both armies. The impossible plan of Stone and Ashraff to please the senior military commanders and their Presidents was a success, beyond their wildest imagination, and to show accomplishments in the field, the two commanders invited the foreign TV crews to broadcast what they had produced for them: planned, orchestrated battles. Each of the armies showed a faked fighting advance including the injured and killed in Hollywood’s greatest tradition and in that way, they were thanked and praised by their leaders and the military commanders who watched from their command pits, far away from the battle, and were unaware that the  battle had been staged for “Escalation war.” To everyone’s joy, the Democratic base moved forward and was  within three kilometers of the Islamic base. The soldiers of the two bases again started to prepare the killing field so it would be ready for the next battle. The locations of the lightly, medium, and seriously injured soldiers and the cannons, tanks and the various damaged vehicles in the field were marked on two special maps that were prepared for this purpose by Ashraff and Stone. The two base commanders simultaneously and secretly decided to celebrate the success of the fake battle and their special relationship with the soldiers of both bases. The celebration was kept a secret and the two commanders just notified their soldiers that at eight o’clock PM there would be a special gathering of the soldiers of both bases in front of Stone’s tent in the Democratic base. At eight PM, the soldiers of both bases waited and did not know about the two transport planes that landed at the far end of the space.

Stone and Ashraff said, “We request that the soldiers  wait in their places for a couple of minutes until we check on something. We'll be right back.” Barney, Stone, and Ashraff walked towards the airplanes while the soldiers tried to guess what the surprise was.

Fuad, an Islamic Officer, screamed at everyone:

“They must be messing with us.”

Albert, a Democratic Officer, shouted:

“I believe I heard some airplanes moving. Maybe they are taking them to another base.”

Jamil, an Islamic soldier:

“I fear they might have found out what’s happening in both bases.”

Daniel, a Democratic soldier:

“I fear that we are going to be sent back to the Democratic Organization and the Islamic soldiers to the Islamic Forces for a court-martial.”

Muhamar, an Islamic soldier with a broken voice:

“If they find out what just happened, they will have to execute us.”  He burst into tears.

Michael, a Democrat joined him with a miserable wail:

“I don’t want to die; our crazy leader should die instead of us.” Comments of this nature continued to circulate that something bad was about to happen to them. They began to weep from anxiety.

Barney, Stone, and Ashraff reached the two marked planes: one with the flag of the Islamic Forces and the other with the flag of the Democratic Organization. The huge doors on their undercarriages opened and one could see big weapons boxes two meters from the airplane opening. The four pilots of each plane approached the two base commanders and Barney, shook their hands, and whispered

“We brought all the weapons as you requested, let’s go and surprise the soldiers.”

Suddenly, as if by a sign from a God laughing and mocking them, the waiting soldiers burst into tears and screamed:

“No, no, we don’t want war, no more bloodshed. We want to live, not die.” 

Stone, Ashraff, Barney appeared out of the darkness  with the four pilots as they approached the soldiers with straight faces. The soldiers shrank back in horror and continued to sob harder and ask for mercy. Suddenly, without warning and without any hint, the assembled heard loud disheartening laughter from the base's terrifying amplifiers that had been successfully hidden from view. The amazingly colored lights were turned on along with all kinds of Discotheque decorations that rose upwards. Giant columns with huge spotlights, also hidden, were fixed, and dimly lit, stunning the amazed soldiers who were still confused and who froze with terror. Ashraff and Stone approached the microphones in front of the assembly.

Stone turned to everyone with a big smile.

“As a symbol of the precious friendship between my brother Ashraff and me and between the Democratic and the Islamic troops, we decided to surprise you today with a party you will never forget your entire lives.”

Ashraff smiled.

“This party is a symbol of our friendship and appreciation, from the Islamic soldiers to their brothers, the Democratic soldiers. We hope you will enjoy the party we prepared for you, please accept your mates for the party.”

The  “Thriller” soundtrack blared from the enormous loudspeakers and 100 American and 100 Islamic beautiful, sexy young women in minimal clothing, with make-up like in rock festivals and also belly dancers radiating inner beauty and a joy of life started to appear out of the darkness, coming towards the soldiers who were rubbing their eyes in disbelief.  The soldiers applauded hysterically with growing excitement and enthusiasm and immediately started dancing with the women as they arrived as if there was not tomorrow. A few old, lonely soldiers could not withstand the excitement of Escalation and passed out at the sight and needed to be treated by medics.

Barney was stunned and asked the two base commanders:

 “God bless you, my brothers, how did you think of that? How did you plan that? How did you execute that?”

Ashraff chuckled, “We wanted to thank all the soldiers for their good will, for their honest efforts, for their blessed humanity, for their uncompromising desire for peace and for their hate of war, what can you do? We love life and we want peace.”

Stone also chuckled.

“It’s true Barney. We love the Islamic troops, and they love us despite the evil convictions of our leaders. We want peace whereas the leaders want war; let us see who will win. We obtained the sweet girls when we secretly announced to our friends at the Democratic Organization and at the Islamic Forces to recruit girls secretly as if they were being sent to singles party, the pilots who are our friends hid them behind the weapon boxes in the aircraft and reported to the authorities they were transporting weapons.”

The three of them hugged and continued laughing and moved joyfully to the sounds of “Thriller” that shook the ground on which they walked. It was the sign for the beginning of a cool and amazing Trance party, the likes of which never having been seen before. It was nicknamed  the  “Escalation party” and together with the hookah tobacco laced with hash and the LSD and the rest of the herb pills for happiness and all sorts of moods and especially the Viagra pills provided to those who needed them, the soldiers' and the officers' moods rose to new peaks of happiness, joy, and love. They would never forget the feeling, especially when they found themselves at the end of this delusional party, packed body to body, a man to a woman, a woman to a woman and a man to man... Each according to his desire and tendencies without distinction of religion, race, or sex. Only the camels, donkeys, and the sheep viewed what was going on with astonishment and jealousy, since they could not celebrate as the soldiers did and they commented on the party in gruff voices. Later on, Barney also contributed his strength and gift to the military effort before the belly-dance show; he appeared during the night alternately at the Islamic and Democratic base with Stone’s and Ashraff’s blessing. One of the soldiers suddenly called out:

“I’m a professional detective; tell us a joke about detectives.”

“Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson – a famous pair of detectives, went on a trip in the bosom of nature. They lit a fire, drank coffee, and had a great time. When night fell, they entered their tent and fell asleep. Before dawn, Sherlock Holmes woke up with fear and woke up Dr. Watson, “look up at the sky and tell me what you see?” “I see a million stars” answered Dr. Watson. “ What is the meaning of this vision?” Insisted Sherlock Holmes. After  thinking deeply, Dr. Watson replied, “Astrologically speaking, the meaning is that each person has different luck according to his star chart. Astronomically speaking, the meaning is that the size of the universe is huge and statistically speaking, there is great probability that there is more life in the universe.”

Sherlock Holmes frowned and said “no, no, no.

Practically speaking – our tent was stolen.”

 Another soldier jumped

“Tell us a joke about beggars.”

A beggar asks a man who approaches him : - Sir, can you lend me 20 bucks? The man, who was elegantly dressed, asked the beggar:

        You are going to waste the money on booze, right?

 – No sir, I never  drink

– I know, you are going to waste the money on cards, right?

– God forbid, I never gamble.

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– Maybe you are planning to play golf with the money.

        I do not know how to play golf, Sir.

– I know, you want to go to a whore, right? –

        No sir, I have never been with a woman.

– Okay, take the 20 bucks and I invite you to eat great food at my house in a friendly atmosphere.

        The beggar accepts his invitation and gets in the rich man’s Mercedes. On the way, the beggar asks him:

- Sir, won't your wife  be mad when she sees someone like me, dirty and neglected, sitting and dining at your table?

        I suppose she will – the man answered – but it will be worth it. I want to see her reaction when she sees what happens to a man who does not drink, does not gamble, does not play golf and does not go to whores.

One of the soldiers wanted a joke about money.

A man goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to have a 100-dollar bill  tattooed on his dick. The artist asks him why he wants a one-hundred-dollar bill on his dick. He answers : For three reasons: 1.  I like to see the dollar rise in the morning, 2.  I like to play with money at noon 3. When my wife asks me for money – she know where to get it.

Another soldier asked him to tell a joke about horses.

A man enters a bar and sees a large jar filled with dollar coins. He asks what the jar is all about and the answer he gets is: there is a horse in the bar’s basement and if someone makes the horse laugh, he will get the jar's contents as a prize. The man goes down to the basement and after a minute, they hear a loud laugh coming from the horse’s mouth. The man of course wins the contents of the jar. A few days later, the same man enters the bar and again sees the same jar already filled with coins and dollar bills. He is again interested and this time the prize is to make the horse cry. Immediately he goes down to the basement and after several minutes, the horse starts crying. All the people present are astonished and ask him how he did it. He answered: “ The first time, I told him that mine was bigger than his, so he laughed. The second time I showed it to him, so he started crying.”

 One asked for a joke about a joint.

A lion sits on the riverbank and smokes a joint. Suddenly an otter comes out of the water.

The otter asks the lion: “Lion, lion, tell me, what are you doing?”

The lion answers: “Sister ...smoking a joint that is something special, far out.”

The otter: “What is a joint?”

The lion: “Sister, smoke it, it will be good for your head, something special, far out.”

The otter: “How do you smoke that?”

The lion: “Take a healthy toke to the lungs, hold it in your lungs, dive into the water and go to the other river. When you  get out on the other side, you will see that you feel great.”

The otter takes a healthy toke to the lungs, dives in, crosses the river and gets out on the opposite bank. As she exhales, she feels exactly like the lion told her.

Suddenly, a hippopotamus appears and asks: “Otter, what’s going on with you, is everything all right?”

The otter: “Brother, everything is great, far out.”

The hippopotamus: “Why are you so happy?”

The otter: “My hippo brother, the lion is sitting on the other side of the river and smoking a joint. He gave me a smoke and I am happy like fire.”

  The curious hippopotamus dives in, crosses the river and comes out near the lion.

The lion sees him and starts screaming: “Otter, otter, get back in the water...you moron.”

Barney told jokes with dirty and lascivious humor to raise the spirit of the soldiers while the belly dancers, who appeared later on, raised the soldiers' private, desire- filled weapons.   For dessert they had previously called up blond, brunette, and redheaded call-girls to the active reserve service to pleasure the soldiers without charge. The girls were proud to serve and were treated with love by the soldiers of the Democratic Organization and the Islamic Forces. Unfortunately, and without forethought, the war idyll had made everyone forget about their homes, their families and especially about their women. Consequently, the soldiers' wives  began to bombard Stone and Ashraff with phone calls to  complain that their husbands had stopped calling them, stopped missing them and become indifferent to them and their children. Ashraff and Stone freaked out from the spouses' anger at the soldiers. They gathered the soldiers, warned them that if they didn’t call their families, severe action would be taken against them. These steps included prohibiting them from participating in tournaments and games, watching belly dancers and the hardest of all was cancellation of their intimate meetings with the call-girls.

 As a result, the wives at home started receiving nagging phone calls from their husbands that drove them mad. Again, the wives called Ashraff and Stone, this time begging that their husbands stop pestering them with phone calls. To solve the problem, it was agreed that the spouses would call the soldiers when they wanted talk to their husbands. In spite of the good intention, the situation became complicated when the soldiers started getting phone calls while they were watching the belly dancer or were busy with the call girls.

It was 11PM and Barney was at the Islamic base. He had just finished  showering, put a keffiyeh over his head and a towel over his nether parts. Narima, the Islamic call girl, was lying naked on the bed in front of him like Eve in the Garden of Eden and they both smoked joints when suddenly his phone rang. To his surprise, he heard Monro.

“What’s up Barney?”

“Everything's okay, Mr. President.”

“Listen, within a half an hour the Command Officer will arrive to speak to you and the officers. Let Stone know, okay?”

“Okay, Mr. Monro, I will tell Stone.”

Monro hung up. Barney  was stunned and terrified. He knew he had to get back to his own base within thirty minutes. He got dressed in the speed of light or actually with the speed of the darkness in the room and  called Stone.

“Monro called me and informed me that within 20 minutes the Command Officer will arrive at your base. He wants to talk to you, your officers and me. I am just leaving Ashraff’s base. If I’m late, make something up.” Fortunately for Barney, his driver and his companions were already dressed and bored. He informed them of the  developing events.

“The psychopath President informed me that the Command Officer will arrive within half an hour. We must get there before him.”

Their annoyed facial expressions made him understand that they liked the message even less than he did. They became tense and concerned. They got into the Hummer and Barney screamed at the sleepy Jimmy:

“Drive as fast as you can to our base.”

They sat in the car tense and terrified. The thought of the Major General finding out that they had been on the Islamic base petrified them. On the other hand, they took comfort in the fact that they were all in the car and not alone and maybe, they would make it in time in spite of the blanket of  darkness that prevented them from seeing more than 30 feet ahead. Each  minute seemed like an eternity and every mile seemed never ending. They breathed rapidly and remained silent the entire ride, until suddenly after a ten-minute drive they saw  flickering lights ahead and screamed with happiness and hugged each other with satisfaction.

Barney was excited:

“Do you see, Stone sent us soldiers to help us arrive at the base more quickly ”. They stopped their Hummer near the soldiers who blinded them with their strong flashlights, held their cocked weapon against their bodies, and Barney said to the soldiers:

“It’s great you arrived, good for Stone. The Major General hasn't arrived yet, has he?”

Suddenly shots were fired over their heads,  instantly silencing them. Barney felt that something was not right. A heavy sensation of strangulation and panic began to seep through his mind.

“We might have lost our way. Maybe the hurried drive in the dark and Jimmy’s fatigue made us take a wrong turn.”

Barney did not understand why they were shooting over their heads. Suddenly someone screamed at them in English with a heavy Arabic accent:

“Raise your hands and shut up. We are the commando soldiers of President Aswad and now you are our captives!”

The truth was terrifying and hit them like a hammer from hell or Satan’s ax. They collapsed like bags of potatoes  on the floor of the Hummer, voiceless and unconscious.

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