CHAPTER 18 – STAND-UP IN PRISON

The exit door to the prison yard screeched open while Barney, his friends, the two guards and the reality team entered the yard, hesitant and scared. The group leader of the new prisoners stared at Barney with curiosity while the previous group leader whispered something in his ear that seemed related to the captives. The new prisoners’ leader nodded in understanding and followed the paws with a suspicious look. The captives hurried on their way, reached an empty corner of the prison yard  and sighed with relief because none of the prisoners showed up to fuck their brains out like the previous prisoner leader. They were certain they would undergo an Bilfain day, as Barney called it, a day in which everything is quiet and pleasant, relatively speaking. Barney stared with concern at the new group leader, and he noticed that the inmate was speaking to some other prisoners. Barney was relieved and turned his head back to his friend without worrying and without knowing that the new prisoner leader first talked to other prisoner leaders and told them about the condition of the captives and about Barney’s mission. The naïve Barney was playing soccer on a small portion of the field with his friends without disturbing anyone and was in a good mood since he just made a goal and felt he was the best soccer player in the world and laughed while screaming “yes, yes.” Suddenly a shower of rotten tomatoes and cucumbers, cans and cardboard boxes were thrown at the captives by the prisoners in the yard, interrupting the excitement, the joy and vigor of the captives.

Their guards stood up menacingly and screamed at the rabble of prisoners:

“Stop it, what are you doing? They are prisoners just like you, what difference does it make if they are Democrats? They are still human beings.”

The six prisoner leaders signaled their friends to stop and approached the fearful captives. Barney burst out:

“What did we do to you that you throw these things at us? We are stuck here exactly like you, stop it.”

The prisoner leaders burst out in humiliating laughter and screamed:

“We are the prisoner leaders; this is our prison, and we do whatever we feel like doing. You are not like the other prisoners. You are stinky spies of the Democratic Organization, and you will be hanged from your balls. If you want us to stop, start telling jokes.” The six leaders signaled the prisoners to continue throwing things at them.

Barney understood the hint and raised his voice:

 “Okay, here are some jokes.”

A knight is riding his horse in the woods, suddenly he notices a dwarf walking straight towards him. The dwarf begs the knight not to trample him and says that in return he will make three of his wishes come true. After giving it some thought, the knight asks the dwarf for: a face like Brad Pitt’s, a body like the lion and a penis like the one on his horse. The dwarf agrees and promises the knight that within 24 hours his wishes will come true. The following morning, the knight wakes up, looks in the mirror, and sees a face like Brad Pitt’s, a body exactly like the lions. He opens his pants excitedly in order to see if his third wish came true, and the knight screams: “I can't believe it; I rode the mare yesterday!”

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A mother who had three virgin daughters made them swear they would send her postcards from their honeymoons telling her how they were getting along with the sexual part of married life. The shy daughters agreed to send the postcards, but in code, rather than writing the details, because of their modesty. The first daughter got married and sent a postcard saying, “Maxwell House coffee.” The mother went to the kitchen and took the Maxwell House coffee can out of the cupboard. On the cover, it said “good until the last drop.” The mother blushed but was happy for her daughter. The second daughter sent her mother a postcard after her wedding saying, “Havana cigars.” The mother opened the father’s cigar box and saw the words: “especially long, especially wide.” Again, the mother felt embarrassment but was happy that her daughter was enjoying herself. When the third daughter got married and went on a honeymoon and did not send a postcard for the entire first week, the mother worried. Another week passed and no postcard arrived. After a month, a postcard arrived saying “British Airways". The mother thumbed through the newspaper and looked for a British Airways advertisement. When has she found it, she almost fainted? It said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.”

Once a small private airplane flew a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a teen on a short flight. Suddenly, the airplane started to develop engine trouble and soon enough became silent in spite of all the pilot’s attempts to fix the problem. The pilot took a parachute and told his passengers “I tried everything. Nothing can be done; the airplane is dropping and within several minutes it will crash. I suggest you take a parachute and jump too” and he jumped. To their great sorrow, only three parachutes were left for the four of them. The doctor took the first parachute, saying, “I’m a doctor, I save lives, I must live,” and jumped. The lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the wisest people in the world. Analysis of the situation shows that if I don’t jump – I’m dead, and therefore I jump.” He grabbed a pack and jumped. The priest stared at the kid and said, “My son, I have lived for many years, and I enjoyed my life very much. You are still young, and your life is ahead of you, take the last parachute and live a long life.” The kid gives the parachute to the priest and says “Don’t worry about me, my father. The wisest man in the world just jumped with my backpack.”

There was a man who had a good relationship with the one above. They would engage in conversations, exchange advice and all that. One day when the man was looking up at the sky, God tells him “We have been friends for a long time and you are a good man, so I grant you one wish.” The man thinks and says, “I always wanted to travel to the Democratic Organization but I’m afraid to fly or to sail, so I want you to build me a bridge from here to the Democratic Organization.” “Ah, you see, there are lots of logistic problems in that bridge, think about it, how we would know where to build columns, and what about structural maintenance, and how are we going to have enough fuel to go through? And…” “Okay, so another wish: I would like to understand the female sex – what’s going on in their minds, why they laugh, why they cry, why they need so many pairs of shoes, in a nutshell, everything.” God thinks for a moment, and finally says, “Did you want a bridge with two or four lanes?”

A man goes to the circus where they offer a 20,000-dollar prize for the person who can make their elephant stand on his hind legs. Many people try and fail. Then this man comes, circles the elephant, presses extremely hard on the elephant’s testicles and the elephant stands on his hind legs. A year later, the same man returns to the same circus where they offer a 40,000-dollar prize to anyone who can make the same elephant move his head yes and no. Many people try but they don’t succeed and then comes the man who made the elephant stand on his hind legs and whispers to the elephant something that makes him move his head yes and no. After they pay the man, they ask him, what did you whisper to the elephant? The man answers: I asked him:  Remember me? Yes. You want it again? No.”

Barney hardly managed to continue due to the wild laughter. Barney just wanted to stop and to go back to his cell. Suddenly, without anyone noticing, a prisoner who hated the Democratic Organization hit Barney in the back with a long stick and disappeared from the place. Barney did not feel strong pain right away and heard a call from one of his guards:

“Barney, do an imitation of Mike Satanic, of Monro, and Aswad.”

Barney smiled and began doing imitations with all his God-given talent. After imitating the three of them he continued impersonating prime ministers, presidents, celebrities, and people from all over the world. Finally, he felt shortness of breath and fatigue. His back was painful. His friends noticed his distress, took his shoulder, and helped him to their cell while Barney whispered.

“One of the prisoners hit my back with a stick and escaped. I’m starting to have stronger and stronger back pain; I need to go lie down.”

One of his companions explained what happened to the guards and asked for their assistance. Barney lay in his bed with exhaustion and fell asleep.

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