CHAPTER 19 - THE HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE IN MUSULMANIA

The Hollywood commando force tried to absorb all that happened while the production crew with them from the beginning of the production shot continuously in the airplane and upon their arrival in Musulmania. To their surprise, a fancy red carpet, an Arabic military orchestra, belly dancers, an Islamic TV crew and the honorable Islamic crowd were waiting for them. The surprised Hollywood people were welcomed and received with hugs by Mike Satanic and Aswad who smiled with arrogance and superiority while the Hollywood production crew and the Islamic TV crew continued to shoot the event. No one was aware that five million dollars had already been transferred to Aswad's private account for allowing the filming in Musulmania. The Hollywood studio actually belonged to Monro who indirectly bribed Aswad thanks to the mediation of Kaddafi’s grandson without Aswad really knowing the source of the money. In addition, Aswad received an additional million dollars for the team's expenses in Musulmania and that sum had also been deposited in Aswad’s private account. Aswad signaled Dragon to follow him and got on the little stage near them while the honorable crowd applauded. He continued to raise his hands upwards.

“We welcome today the director, Mr. Dragon and a team of great actors and actresses from Hollywood in honor of their new movie shooting “Escalation.” I know you are great actors, and you have the great Dragon, and your movie will be the best. Please keep in mind you can come to me for anything. I will do my best to assist, facilitate, and make sure that our movie will succeed. I invite the director, Dragon, to tell you about the movie.”

“I would like to thank the distinguished President Aswad. This is a wonderful day for us, for you, and for Hollywood. The plot is as follows: a commando team is sent to release Democratic captives. The script requires that we film everything that happens to them while they are held by the Islamic Forces. Once again, I want to thank you and Mike Satanic and all honorable people who are here and welcomed us so nicely. I can assure you that when the time comes Hollywood will shoot more movies here.” He added to his friends: “provided that the Muslims burn in hell first.”

It was 12 noon, and the Hollywood people were taken in Aswad’s cars and were housed in fancy hotel suites that also belonged to President Aswad, which was located near Musulmania market and the President’s tabernacle located near the prison where the captives were held. After the Hollywood people ate their lunch in the hotel, they napped for few hours. At 4PM, Dragon approached the manager of the hotel and told him:

“Wake up all my people, tell them to dress nicely and to meet me in the lobby within an hour.”

“Okay, Mr. Dragon, I'll do that right away.” The manager woke everyone up according to Dragon’s request and passed on the instructions.

The actors and the crew thanked him and prepared themselves to come down to the lobby while Dragon sat there smugly, arrogantly smoked a cigar and was surprised to see the reception manager beside him informing him:

“You are not allowed to smoke in the hotel, I ask you to put out the cigar.” Dragon jumped with exaggerated hand and body movements and responded with edginess:

“I’m the director, Dragon; do you know who I am? I am the most important person in Hollywood. Leave me alone.”

The reception manager stared at him with astonishment and backed off. The actors and the team arrived and spoke with Dragon, who continued smoking his cigar in defiance and mumbled to himself.

“This jerk ruined my day. I’m sure he is the only person on earth who doesn’t know who Dragon is.”

Suddenly he remembered why he was in the lobby and turned to his friends.

“I’m not sure you understand what’s going on so be aware they are taking us for a tour in town and in the prison right now. Take cameras with you, we must document everything and according to the script, we will choose the shooting locations for the movie later on.” He winked at his friends. “Now we will check how to write and shoot the release scene. Don’t forget that the Islamic crew will be with us at all times.”

They left the hotel in a modern, air-conditioned bus on their tour around town while Dragon sang patriotic songs and tried to make his friends join his hysterical singing, but they were too nervous and couldn't be heard. After a brief time, the bus carrying the Hollywood actors, fashionably dressed in sixties Hippie style, stopped in the entrance to the famous Musulmania market and everyone got off including the Islamic guards, their ever-present companions. Before they got off the driver said:

“Now it's 4:45 in the afternoon. I’ll be back to pick you up at seven, wait for me here.”

Dragon with the eternal cigar and with exaggerated movements also told them:

“We will meet here at seven, don’t forget. Anyone who is not here, will remain with the Islamic Forces until the next war, assuming the Selected Democratic Organization and the Free Islamic Forces still exist.”

When the Hollywood people disappeared, the driver quickly hung a sign on the windows “available for people and merchandise transportation.” The Hollywood people were in the market when they bumped into a huge tacky poster on the wall near the market entrance. Curious, they gathered near the poster of a simple colorful circus. Dragon asked the guards: “What is this poster?”

“This is the “atomic attack” circus; it has jugglers, clowns, and belly dancers. They will perform in the prison in three days.” The Hollywood people sighed heavily.

“It’s worth being in prison here. The prisoners in the Democratic Organization can only get a circus of garbage in prison.” Dragon chuckled.

 “Leave this nonsense alone. Aswad and Monro are more than enough. Actually, Monro and Aswad are the greatest circus of all.”

They all burst out laughing as they continued inward, staring one last time at the poster. Several minutes later they bumped into a group of loud Islamic merchants and pedestrians who stared at them with astonishment, pointed at them with curiosity and screamed hysterically.

“America? Hollywood, yes?” They also stopped pedestrians, signaled toward the Hollywood people, and screamed “McDonalds', American Idol, Donuts, Los Angeles, New York, Hollywood!”

The actors were greatly satisfied, smiled broadly, shook hands with everyone and distributed autographs to anyone who asked. This event took place near a fancy restaurant and one of the restaurant’s owners, a shrewd and a conniving man, saw them, their actions, and immediately invited them to eat at his colorful and tacky restaurant, and called loudly:

“Please come eat in my restaurant, there’s no need for dollars, you aren’t paying...it’s on the house.”

After everyone sat in the restaurant, he came outside, quickly dialed the press and said:

“How much will you pay me for some exclusive shots of Hollywood stars dining in my restaurant?”

After the restaurant owner spoke with several media channels and settled his payment, he came back inside, all smiles. In the meantime, the waiters served the tables with all the best. They stared at the Hollywood people and tried to get a group picture as the Hollywood people devoured their food, oblivious to the Islamic photographers who shot them continuously. The leech-like restaurant owner pushed himself into every shot and hugged every actor or actress until the Hollywood people could no longer stand it and escaped from the place and from the photographers, who were warned by the guards not to follow them. Dragon, on the verge of hysteria, began to swear at the photographers in Arabic and in English. He also made insulting gesticulations, still smoking his cigar.

“Go fuck yourselves, damned photographers.” To the restaurant owner “Did you decide to make money on us? You bastard, you should pay us for the stills. Give us 5,000 dollars and we will come back to the restaurant.” The restaurant owner gave him the finger and swore. Dragon replied, “Garbage, moron, ass, go fuck yourself. We are from Hollywood, and you are just Islamic assholes, you mean nothing to us.”

They got away from the restaurant and reached a place where simple passers-by didn’t pay attention to Hollywood people. Maybe they didn't recognize Western movie stars or maybe they were afraid of the frowning, armed guards.  The Hollywood people became disgruntled because no one recognized them or indeed paid them any heed the rest of their visit in the market. The unexpected anonymity hurt their fragile egos, so they began to make a spectacle of themselves.

“We are movie stars from Hollywood. Don’t you recognize us? Look at us, we are important people; all over the world people know us, are you blind? Are you imbeciles? Are you trying to show off? We are from America, from Hollywood.”

The Hollywood people started to weep from desperation and frustration and continued traveling in a grim mood.

At the same time, the head of the prison’s medical clinic, Dr. Said, heard about Barney’s being hit in the back and on Aswad’s instructions, urgently called him.

“Hello Mr. President, this is Said, the manager of the prison’s medical clinic. Barney, one of the captives is feeling bad because one of the prisoners hit him with a stick in his back. What should I do about Barney? He must be hospitalized for a few days until he feels better.”

“Dr. Said, it's good you called me. Barney is the most important Democratic captive, and his role is to entertain us. I don't care if he dies with all the stinky Democrats, but I would rather he continue to entertain us. “Therefore, that is what you will do; check that he is not messing with us because he is a fucking comedian, the best of them. If you feel that he is indeed ill and not pretending, take some x-rays at the hospital and if there’s a need, hospitalize him. When he feels better, send him back to prison. Do you get it? Okay?”

“Okay, Mr. President, I'll do what you just said.”

“And more importantly, when you get to the Musulmania hospital, visit my father and report to me about his condition. He is there for a regular check-up, bye Said”

Aswad hung up while said slowly walked towards the pows' cell. The guards opened the cell door. Said walked to Barney’s bed and saw the comedian grimace from pain while he slept. The other inmates looked on with curiosity. Said started moving Barney’s body gently and tapped his shoulder.

“Wake up, Barney, wake up. I am the prison doctor - Dr. Said. I heard you are suffering from back pain. I need to examine you, wake up.”

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Barney did not understand what was going on, he groaned in pain and needed help getting onto his feet. Said checked him thoroughly.

“I need to take some x-rays of your back at the hospital in Musulmania. We will drive there soon. You, the guards, and me but before we go, I want to hear some jokes. I heard you are a joke master, is that right?”

Barney groaned from pain and tried to answer.

“But Dr. Said, I’m suffering from great back pain and can hardly breathe. I can't tell jokes in this condition.”

“Okay, what can we do? President Aswad does not know you are no longer the greatest comedian. He still thinks you are. Come on, let’s go.”

The rest of the captives who feared for their lives suddenly felt the noose on their necks and broke down.

“What happened to you, Barney? Think of us, Barney, tell him some jokes before you go.”

Barney sighed again, the pain got stronger, and Barney stared at them with disgust but understood that he had no choice but to tell the joke along with groaning, moaning, and weeping from pain.

“A woman is about to get married for the fifth time, so she goes to the gynecologist for a check-up. She reclines in the special seat and the doctor is greatly surprised. He realizes that she is still a virgin. He says: “How can it be? You are going to get married for the fifth time and you are still a virgin?” She tells him: “My first husband was a gynecologist, so he just looked and looked. My second husband was a repairman, so he always said, “I will come tomorrow”. My third husband was a politician, so he only kissed my ass. My fourth husband was a shrink, so he fucked my brains out. This time I am sure it will be okay. Now I am going to marry a lawyer, and I am sure he is going to screw me.

Two female friends finally go out alone without their husbands. After one crazy night, they got stoned and walked home. Suddenly they both felt like peeing so they decided to enter the nearby cemetery since no one would see them there. When they were done, the realized they did not have anything to wipe themselves with. One decided to wipe herself with her panties and then she threw them in the bushes. The second took a ribbon from a bouquet that lay beside her. The following morning one of the husbands called his friend:  “Listen, it seems like the girls had a wonderful time last night, mine came back without her underwear.” “Are you complaining? Mine came back with a note in her ass that said – “I will never forget you.”

Bruce Springsteen does a show in prison, after the show one of the prisoners approaches him and says to him: “My darling Springsteen. How Barney worships you – he has all your discs, all your tapes, all your videos, all your DVDs, your plasma TV, your living room set, and your refrigerator.”

A tribe of cannibals arrives in New York and finds work in a Hi-Tech company. The human resources manager tells them: you will receive good money and there is a cafeteria at work. I just ask you not to eat the employees. Two months later, he invites them for a periodic conversation and praises them for their wonderful work. At the end of the conversation, he says: I am not implying anything, but do you know what happened to the cleaner? “No boss,” they answer, and he apologizes for suspecting them. The moment he exits the room, the cannibal leader screams:  “Okay, who ate the cleaner?” One of the cannibals admits with embarrassment and with guilt. “Idiot,” the leader scolds him, “we are here for two months, we ate the CEO, the CFO, the marketing manager and the consultants and no one noticed. Did you have to eat the cleaner?”

Barney hardly finished telling the jokes before he began to cry from the pain while his cellmates, the guards, and Dr. Said laughed. When Said signaled Barney to start moving, the laughter stopped. Barney was put into an ambulance that left the prison for the hospital.

Aswad called the prison warden.

“Hello Jamal, have the Hollywood stars already arrived?”

“Hello Mr. President, how are you? They haven’t arrived yet.”

“When they arrive have them wait for me in your office, I need to talk to them. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Okay, Mr. President, wait a minute, I see the bus has just entered the parking lot.”

Aswad hung up and instructed his driver to step on it. The Hollywood stars' bus stopped in front of the prison entrance. The Hollywood people entered the prison with fearful and hesitant steps. Their faces showed that they would rather not remember this visit. They followed the prison guards into the warden’s office when suddenly limousines arrived. Aswad, Mike Satanic, their bodyguards, the government members, and the army officers got out and entered the prison. The warden tried to amuse the Hollywood people and told a joke:

A passenger bus leaves the station with a fat man in mad pursuit. The man's pants repeatedly fall a bit, causing him to trip. Repeatedly he gets up, pulls up his pants and resumes chasing the departing bus. Finally, a young woman sticks her head out of a rear window, laughing, and says “Stop chasing us; we can't take much more comedy.” She explodes with laughter.

The running man, out of breath, answers: “You're all going to die – I'm the driver!”

Everyone became silent, looked at one another, did not manage to laugh until Lion winked at them, laughed a faked laugh with his loud voice, and thus made everyone laugh from his silly laughter. They froze when Aswad entered and screamed:

“Suddenly you stopped laughing, ah? You told a joke about me, right?” The terrified warden tried to explain but he could manage only a stuttering noise. Aswad continued:

“You think you are wiser than me because you are movie actors? You think that Hollywood is better than I am. You are wrong, big time. Continue acting this way and instead of returning to Hollywood, you will stay in this prison.”

A pale Dragon answered.

“Mr. President, it wasn’t a joke about you, it was a joke about a bus driver and his passengers. We all believe in you, we worship you, we all know you are the greatest leader of all, and you are the one who is mistaken this time. You are Aswad, the greatest of all.”

Aswad stared at all of them, understood he might have made a mistake and tried to regain his composure. The warden whispered to him:

“I swear to you that we didn’t talk about you at all. I told them a joke that Barney told yesterday.”

“Okay guys, I was wrong, I apologize.” A brilliant idea came to his mind. “I made a movie trick on you, by acting. I played an annoyed person, from Charlie Chaplin.” Aswad waved his walking stick like Charlie Chaplin. “I’m the great dictator.” Everyone sighed with relief, applauded, and screamed:

“Bravo, Hollywood, bravo, and the Oscar goes to President Aswad!”

“Follow me, I'll take you on a tour of the prison.” He laughed with irony. “That’s for those who want to stay as my guests in prison.”

He left the office, and everyone followed him. He explained to them about the prisoners and about the prison facilities while the prisoners stared at them suspiciously. When they reached the Democratic cell, he turned to Dragon.

“You will shoot the captive release from prison and their return to the Democratic Organization scene, right?” Dragon nodded in agreement. “Don’t forget that during the shooting of this scene, Barney and the captives will not be here in prison. Do you understand how ingenious I am? We will transfer them to a secret place that only I know about. Instead of them we will employ look-alike actors who will play the captives...this is for the security of the paws.” “Don't get any ideas that you can really free them. Hollywood is the life of reality and Hollywood is the reality of life.”

The Hollywood people stared at one another without comprehending Aswad’s thoughts. The Islamic president continued his tour of the prison for a few more minutes and then thanked the Hollywood people. The fancy cars quickly left the place. Dragon looked at Aswad’s car and mumbled to a friend, depressed, and dejected by Aswad's startling news, as if the latter had penetrated their brains and knew what they were planning.

“We are fucked. If the paws are not going to be here during the shooting, we will not be able to release them. Actually, maybe we should return their Islamic doubles to the Democratic Organization.  “It won’t matter to Monroe, we will tell him that they are the real captives and when the right time comes, when the Messiah arrives and when Monro and Aswad decide on exchanging prisoners, Monro will be able to get back the real ones. The doubles will be returned to the Islamic Forces and the originals will be returned to the Democratic Organization,” he chuckled, “let’s hope that during the exchange, they don’t mix them up again.

 

 

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