CHAPTER 20 – DYING FROM LAUGHTER

Barney fell asleep again on his way from prison to the hospital. Dr. Said waited for the ambulance to stop at the hospital entrance and woke him up by lightly patting his head and shoulders. Barney opened his eyes and smiled faintly. Dr. Said continued shaking him like a rag doll.

“Wake up Barney, we're at the hospital. They will soon take you to the emergency room. Come on, wake up cadaver comedian,”

“Okay, Dr. Said, I am awake!” He was angry at the Doctor's odd behavior and wondered.

“Should I hit him in the face?” A thought came up in his tired mind “I will show you what a cadaver comedian is. I promise you that inside the hospital the patients will laugh until they die. "

While they were waiting for Barney to be picked up, a new ambulance arrived with a wailing siren. The ambulance team of three people in white robes pulled out a severely injured Islamic soldier who was hardly breathing and was headed to the intensive care unit. Said turned to the ambulance attendants and explained:

“I’m Dr. Said, and this is a very important patient, here on President Aswad's orders. Please inform the hospital to send someone to take him to the emergency room right away.”

“Wow!” An attendant was excited, “Is this Aswad’s patient? Great. He is special.” The third one said, “What happened? Was he injured in the war?” The three of them touched Barney as if they were horse buyers who check the merchandise before they buy it at auction.

“We would be happy to help you and the President.”

Barney and said were amazed to see the ambulance team leave the severely injured soldier's stretcher on the sidewalk and take Barney to the emergency room. The severely injured soldier tried to flag them down but stopped when his strength gave out. Barney turned his head back, waved goodbye to the soldier. It seemed like he was hardly breathing; then he started wheezing and finally stopped breathing. Eventually, from struggling too much, the soldier fell off the stretcher to the floor. Barney entered the emergency room and one of the doctors in a robe and a stethoscope approached him with a friendly smile and turned to Said.

“I’m Doctor Mahmud, I understand that Mr. Barney is the patient of President Aswad. Good for him. What's wrong with him other than this war?”

Said scowled.

“He has back problems. He was hit in prison when an ironing board fell on him. He should have some x-rays taken.”

The doctor took the form from Said’s hands and pushed the bed to the x-ray room.

Said stopped him.

“I need to visit someone in the emergency room. I’ll be at the x-ray room soon... ” 

Said disappeared into the emergency room. Barney continued to moan but actually was beginning to feel better.  Barney knew, however, that as long as he moaned, he would be better off.

Said approached one of the beds and with the help of the nurse he opened the curtain and looked with curiosity at the elegantly dressed elderly man whose facial features were similar to the President's. The nurse straightened the oxygen mask on his mouth and nose, and helped the patient get a constant flow of oxygen. Said smiled at him.

“Mr. Ajmigi, I’m Said, a friend of your son, President Aswad. Your son asked me to visit you and to check on you. Are you feeling well, President’s dad?”

The elderly man  moved his oxygen mask aside slightly and answered in a weak, broken voice while staring at Said with tired eyes.

“I’m better, Mr. Said. Why isn’t my son visiting me?”

The hospital nurse explained:

“His condition is not so good. He had a severe asthma attack this morning and we are holding him for observation, so his condition doesn’t worsen.”

Said whispered in the father’s ear:

“President Aswad is busy with the war, but I will tell your son to come and visit you, be sure of it. Please get better Mr. Ajmigi.”

Said addressed the nurse:

 “I must visit another department. I’ll come back before I leave to see how he is doing, take care of him all the time. You better not mess up with him. If you, do it is as if you mess up with President Aswad.”

“Of course, Dr. Said, he is monitored constantly, and I come to visit him every half hour.”

Said hugged her hungrily but she drew back and escaped his grasp and left the room.

Meanwhile the x-ray technician had finished taking the x-rays and explained:

“Mr. Barney, the result of the x-ray will be ready in half an hour to an hour. Go back to the emergency room and I'll bring the x-ray result to you.”

The nice doctor injected his arm with a painkiller for his back. After a brief time, he felt the injection working, the pain was almost gone, and they returned to the emergency room. Barney was in a good mood and volunteered to tell a joke to the doctor and nurses

A millionaire held a fancy party in the yard of his villa. To impress his guests, he put sharks and crocodiles in his pool. In the middle of the event, the millionaire declared: “Anyone who jumps into the pool and swims from one side to another and comes out alive, will receive a million dollars.” The guests gathered around the pool to see who was going to jump. Suddenly one person jumped in, swam from one side to another and in the last seconds eluded the sharks and the crocodiles. The millionaire approached him and said: “Congratulations, you have a million dollars.” The man said: “I don’t want the money.” The millionaire asked: “So what do you want?” The man: “I would like to know who the son of a bitch who pushed me into the pool is.”

The doctor burst out laughing and patted Barney’s back unintentionally. Barney sighed.

“Ah, ah, I hope you don’t screw my back. I don’t want any more injections”

“I apologize, Barney. It was unintentional. I hear you are a joke master.”

Barney sat down slowly in front of two nurses at the reception desk of the emergency room. One of them was responsible for President Aswad’s father.

Doctor Mahmud approached the nurses and asked innocently:

“I brought back Barney from x-rays; he needs to wait for the result. Where is doctor Said?”

“He will be back within half an hour. He asked you wait for him here until he comes back.” The nurse responsible for the elderly patient pointed at Barney “he said you can entertain us until he comes back. What can you do? Imitations? Jokes? Stand-up comedy?”

The doctor burst with excitement. “He can do it all.” He pushed Barney with violent kindness and again, unintentionally, patted him on his back “Come on Barney, show them who you are!”

In spite of the annoying patting, Barney was already feeling great, and his mood rose as high as the fluorescent light in the ceiling. Everyone gathered around him, and Barney started bombarding them with jokes.

“A dying bride lies down, and her husband sits near her. She tries to whisper: George...George. George calms her down and says: quiet...quiet, do not talk…the bride tries again: George…I must talk. George shuts her up:Shhhhh, quiet, it’s okay, do not talk. The bride again: George I must speak, George I must confess, I must tell you I have not always been faithful to you” George hugs her and kisses her lightly and gently says: don’t bother Stephanie, I know it all, did you think I poisoned you for no reason?”

Everyone laughed, Barney did not let go and immediately continued with imitations and stand up, added Michael Jackson’s moonwalk, and caused two nurses to leave the monitor for the elderly Ajmigi and to get closer to Barney.

“A pirate enters a pub. The surprised bartender says to him: ”Hi, I haven't seen you for a long time, what is up with you? You look a wreck.” The pirate answers: “What do you mean? I feel great.” The bartender insists: “Yes, so why do you have a wooden leg? You had two strong and healthy legs.” The pirate explains: “Okay, this is a result of a rough battle in the middle of the sea and a ball from a canon hurt my leg and they had to amputate it. It is nothing. I feel totally fine.” The bartender adds and insists: “Yes? So why do you have a hook for a hand? You had two strong, healthy hands. What happened?” The pirate again explains: “Ah...that's because in one of the battles we got close to another ship and my hand was caught in a chain and they had to amputate it. But everything is fine, I feel great.” The surprised bartender: “Yes, so what about the eye patch? You had two good eyes, what happened?” The pirate answers “Okay, that’s because one day I stood on deck and when I looked up, a bird shat in my eye.” The bartender wonders: “What, you want to tell me that that’s the reason you lost an eye?” The pirate mumbles: “No, I forgot that I had a hook -hand.”

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They all burst in laughter and did not know that the elderly Ajmigi was lying in bed, breathing with an oxygen mask hidden behind them by a curtain. Ajmigi listened attentively and curiously. He took his oxygen mask off for a moment, forgot to put it back and like everyone else, started laughing uncontrollably. Barney continued telling his jokes as Ajmigi’s oxygen mask fell on the floor without the old man noticing it.

“One night, after a wild party, a guy invited a couple to his new apartment. Still dead drunk, he took his guests around the apartment. When they arrived at the bedroom, they noticed a huge brass bell hanging above the bed. Of course, the friends asked him the meaning of the huge bell. The drunk told them that it was actually “a talking clock.” One of the friends was intrigued by his answer and asked how it worked. The drunk took a nearby rod and struck the bell. For several moments, the friends suffered from the tremendous noise created from the vibrations of the bell but still didn’t understand how “the bell talked”. At that very instant, someone began banging on the wall and shouted: “You lunatic. It's 3 in the morning!”

 

“When a passenger in a taxi patted the driver's shoulder lightly to ask him something, the driver let out a dreadful scream and lost control of the steering wheel, almost hit a bus, and stopped a foot short of a store window. For a few minutes, there was silence and then the driver turned and said: Please, don't do that ever again, I almost fainted. The passenger, also in shock, apologized, and said he had no idea that touching his shoulder could lead to such a mess. The driver explained: It wasn’t your fault, you couldn't know. I'm a new cabbie. Until now I was a hearse driver...”

 

A young man enters a pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and tells him: “Today I am meeting my girlfriend, I think that I’m going to get lucky...give me something for protection.” The pharmacist gets him a condom. “She has a hot sister, give me another one please.” The pharmacist goes and brings him another condom. The young man adds: “Actually, her mother is a real MILF. Give me please another one.” The pharmacist goes and brings him a third condom. The young man goes to his girlfriend’s home. He sits down with her family at the table, and they do the blessing over the food with their hands over their eyes. When the blessing is done, they all lower their hands except for the young man. The girlfriend says: “I didn’t know you were so religious.” The young man answers: “I didn’t know that your father was a pharmacist.”

Ajmigi, Aswad’s father, who listened to the jokes and laughed harder than ever, suddenly started to snort and gasp in the middle of a laugh. He searched for his oxygen mask but couldn't find it.

Barney continued.

Three inmates planned to escape from the mental institution. One of them says: “If there’s a fence, we will climb over it, and we'll get out.” The second one suggests: “If there’s a wall, we will dig under it, and crawl out.” Happy with the idea, they sent the third man to check the field. After a few minutes, he returns depressed and says: “We're fucked. There is no wall and no fence.”

 

A woman enters a Mercedes agency. She looks around and when she sees the perfect car, she approaches it in order to check it. When she bends over to touch the leather upholstery, she farts loudly. She is very embarrassed, looks round to see whether anyone noticed her little accident and prays that the salesman will not show up suddenly. When she turns around, she finds the salesman standing right beside her. “Hello Madam, how may I be of service?” She asks him, trying to hide her discomfort:  “What’s the price of this lovely car?” The salesman answers: “Madam, if just touching it makes you fart, when you hear how much it costs, you'll shit in your pants”.

 

“A fisherman takes a professor out in his fishing boat for a fee.

The professor: “Excuse me, did you ever learn physics?”

The fisherman: “No.”

The professor: “So it seems like you lost a quarter of your life. And did you learn mathematics?”

The fisherman: “Nope.”

The professor: “So you lost another quarter of your life. What about computers?”

The fisherman: “Nope.”

The professor: “Shame on you. You already lost three quarters of your life.”

Suddenly a storm begins and smashes the boat into pieces and throws the two men into the water. The fisherman swims towards a floating board and grabs it while the professor starts to swallow water.

The fisherman: “tell me, do you know how to swim?

The professor swallows more water: N, n, no.”

The fisherman: “I’m happy to inform you that you just lost your entire life.”

In the meantime, the prison doctor Said came back and sat near Barney. After a brief time, the doctor approached them with the x-ray result.

“I’m glad to inform you that he doesn’t have any special problem and just needs rest and pain killers.”

The nurse who monitored Ajmigi stared blankly at the screen and noticed, to her surprise, that Ajmigi’s face face was pale, and his lifeline was flat. She screamed with terror.

“Help, something happened to President Aswad’s father, help, he isn’t breathing.” Everyone ran towards her hysterically. Said, the first to enter, hurriedly asked the dying old man.

“What happened Mr. Ajmigi?”

He answered in a whisper, gathering his remaining strength:

“The jokes that the funny guy told, killed me. I laughed and I ran out of air, i’m…i’m…I…I...”

The old man returned his soul to his creator as all the resuscitation attempts failed. The old man was taken from the room secretly and quickly, covered by a blanket. Barney was unaware of what was going on behind the curtain. Said hurried to take Barney out of the hospital along with the guards and made him get into the car. Said turned to them with a blank face.

“Wait for me in the car, I'll be right back.” He walked to the hospital entrance and made a call on his cell phone, his fingers shaking.

“Hello Mr. President Aswad, I have awfully bad news. Your father just passed away at the hospital.”

Aswad froze and turned pale. After a brief time, he managed to get himself together and asked in a broken and terrified voice:

“How can it be? They told me he had an asthma attack. He was at the hospital several times for checkups in the emergency room.” He became suspicious “My dad wasn’t supposed to die, tell me the truth. What is the cause of death? Was the treatment wrong? Did the doctor make a mistake?”

Said was terrified but said:

“It had nothing to do with either the treatment or the doctor. You will not believe it, it was Barney. After his x-ray he waited in the emergency room until the results came, and he started entertaining and making everyone laugh. We didn't know that your father was also listening to him behind a curtain. He heard all the jokes and the laughter. Your father laughed harder and harder until he died.” He made an effort not to laugh, “He died out of laughter because of Barney, he died out of laughter. The laughter killed him. I’m sorry for your loss, Mr. President.”

 “Thank you, Said, I’m glad you told me the truth. My deputy will take care of the funeral preparations. Said, do not tell a soul about the cause of my father’s death, not even Barney. I will think of something to let Barney know that even laughter ends.”

Aswad hung up. Said returned to his car and drove back to the prison while Barney sat in the back and made funny imitations for the guards who cracked up laughing and also asked for a joke.

“A poor, ugly man complained to God:  Tell me, God, why did you make me such a loser, ugly and poor? One day the unlucky man wins the lottery and becomes extraordinarily rich. With his money he undergoes plastic surgery and becomes very handsome. Sometime later, as he is crossing the street, he is run over and killed. When he meets God in heaven, he asks him “Why did you take me, God, after you made me rich, and I became handsome?” God looks at him with surprise and says “What, is that you? I didn’t recognize you.”

The guards laughed hysterically, they also patted him on the back with appreciation and admiration while said continued to drive. Every once in a while, the doctor looked at Barney in the rear-view mirror with sorrow and pity.

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