Chapter 25: Bravery

My shift at the Archive ran long, ostensibly because I was determined to perform above the apparently low standard I'd previously kept. In truth I was terrified. Having surrendered myself to one course at the cost of another, I was now committed. I laugh now at the ridiculousness of my thinking, for I had no indication whatsoever that Eris even remembered who I was, or if she did, wanted to see me again.

When I went to their shop, late in the evening, I was surprised to see a line of people waiting outside. I peeked through the window and saw them both working hurriedly to measure people's feet. The garb of their clientele showed me they came from money and privilege. Matias happened to turn before I could to leave, and he smiled broadly, gesturing for me to come in. I squeezed past the crowd begging for pardons and he hugged me tightly.

"Thank you, my boy! Oh thank you indeed! We've never had so much custom."

I gently pushed him back and asked what he was thanking me for.

"Your good word, of course! I'll explain when we've seen to all these patrons. I hate to trouble you, after you've done so much for us, but could you spare an hour to ask those outside to return in the morning?"

I agreed, and with my kindest, most reverent tone, begged for yet more pardons on behalf of the overworked cobbler. Matias was distracted by a particularly wealthy looking woman, and Eris glanced at me furtively through the window. As soon as neither were looking at me, I fled.

The following day, I nervously looked for Caduceus as I worked, losing entirely the increased effort from the day before. When I had a few moments to rest, I sat on a high balcony looking down into the central chasm of the archive. Blue light glowed from behind the walls, gleaming softly on the clean and smooth surfaces of the room. The walkways beneath me spun slowly, while acolytes and restorers studied the various repositories. A lone jinn displayed motions in the air above the chasm for a group of students. The whole room had a sterility to it, save for the rich wooden floors and dust motes floating in the more luminous areas. There it had a homey feel, though I truly did not know any place that I would call home. My squalid silo hardly counted as a home. And before that...

"Victor," said the voice I'd been hoping to hear.

"I've been looking for you," I replied.

Victor pointed to streaks of dust on the rails just below us. "Indeed. I've only just arrived. I had matters elsewhere."

Caduceus had such a formal way of speaking, as I'm sure you've noticed from my account. I wish you could hear him. He was not overly serious, as there was often a hint of sarcasm in much of what he said. Rather, he spoke commandingly, assuredly, and he inspired either fear or confidence, depending on which he needed in his audience. Now he spoke mockingly, but there was just a shadow of comfort in his voice, like he understood my distraction. I find it sad that he was in such a lowly position. He would have made a fine diplomat, which is what Haven, and all the island of Ateora needed then.

"How is the girl?"

Even sitting, my head rose to Caduceus's chest. Except for when I bowed it in shame. "Their shop is thriving."

"Matiais is skilled at his trade."

"But he has a sudden influx of patrons, Acolyte. He thanked me."

"He made you fine footwear. Some comments on his skill were made."

"He thinks I made those comments, and that people listened to me."

"You may thank me later, Victor."

I rose. "My rest is over."

"Will you sup with me tonight? Nashandra will be with her cousin."

I agreed, though I feared what he might have to say in private.

"Next time you visit the cobbler, speak with the girl." He patted me on the back before I returned to work.

When I arrived at his house, I saw his children waiting in the hall outside. They came to me cheerfully, tugging at my robes until I picked them up. I heard their parents shouting inside.

"I'm not a martyr, woman!" I'd never heard Caduceus speak so emotionally. "I still have my eyes."

"And you use them to spy!"

"Spy? In my own house? On my own wife? A man cannot spy on his own!"

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"They fight quite often," said the daughter. I'd forgotten her name. I smiled, and told her she was fortunate to have parents, even if they often quite fought.

"You don't have parents?" the boy asked. "Are you an orphan?"

"Yes," I told him, "technically. Though I've had many fathers and mothers over the years. Such love can be found if one is open to it."

"We love you!" The girl buried her head in the bundle of my hood, almost falling out of my arm's grip. I smiled, despite her odd odor; the result of some battle between her luminescent properties and the nature of human skin. Nashandra came out and forced a genial look onto her face, then told the children to let me be and follow her. I entered the house slowly.

"She was with Tarion and his fellows," I said when the door had shut. "I was surprised to see that you were her husband. Are you privy to their doings?"

"Very privy. Would you like to know what the box contained?"

I thought for a moment, then shook my head.

"Then let's not speak of my wife or Tarion. You can hang your cloak on that hook by the door."

He went to their kitchen and sniffed the steam coming from a simmering sauce pan. I'd noticed the aroma when I came through the door and felt my stomach instantly groan. I didn't ask Caduceus how he'd attained such high quality flavorings. Everyone had a game in Haven, and the less we all knew of each other's the better. I was simply grateful for a break from the usual blandness that came from protein vats. At my level of existence, one was lucky to have a small pouch of salt on hand.

Caduceus, it seemed, wanted me to know a little of his game.

"My aunt is a junior Board member." He stirred with a wooden spoon.

I ventured a bold question, and asked why he hadn't used her clout to gain a more lucrative vocation.

"I'm where I want to be. I love the Bibliotheca, and the knowledge stored there. And I'm in place to help you."

I had little regard for that statement, so I ignored it, but Caduceus wanted me to think about something, and so he said more.

"You're unique, Victor, the completion of a difficult effort. It's my honor to befriend and assist you. Here."

I did not want to be unique. I wanted to hear that other humans like me lived in a remote settlement across the island, or on the continent.

"Surely there's others like me," I said by way of protest.

Caduceus had been handing me plates and flatware to set on the table. Soon all was in place and he was dishing out servings for both of us. I felt extremely uncomfortable being waited on, especially by my superior. Looking around his house, the spacious rooms with their clean bulkheads and floors, unbroken by piping or rivets, and all his soft rugs and elegant art, I felt as if I'd lost my way in the dark and stumbled over the threshold of another world.

"Of course there's others like you. But not exactly like you. In fact, I've met others with very similar appearance, but none of them wandered half dead into Haven from the wild wastes, surviving some of the worst torments our world can fling at us. You survived unthinkable ordeals, Victor, and work thanklessly for both the Bibliotheca and the militia, and I have never once heard you complain. This alone makes you exceptional."

Never before had I felt more torn between honor and shame. It felt wonderful to be spoken of so highly by such a shrewd and measured man, but I felt a fraud; a frightened creature whose paralytic confusion towards life had somehow been mistaken for stoicism. If my eyes were of common make, with pupil, iris and sclera, the nervousness of my youth would have been widely known, and Caduceus might not have held me in the same esteem.

I ate my first few bites in silence, trying to show pleasure on my nearly blank features. I wasn't accustomed to fine spices, so the flavour was wasted on me, but the gesture was not When the bell ringers who stayed begged us all To make peace with our fate and discreetly withdraw In a fashion befitting a people of glory and stature

From our animal nature The walls of our kingdom were quickly brought down In a maelstrom, a tempest, in which whole lands were drowned

Then the struggle began to reclaim what was lost to the sky And the billions who died We spoke of things quaint and joyful, of the small delights of fatherhood, and the bliss of marriage that is punctuated by spirited fights. After eating, we retired to the plain but comfortable seating in the common room. Caduceus spoke of the importance of marital spats, that they helped partners to learn each other's boundaries, and how to work more closely together. What went through my mind as I perused the innumerable portraits Caduceus had of Nashandra and his two adorably ugly children, was that it would be much finer if he and Nashandra were united in their beliefs. It occured to me that I knew almost nothing of Eris beyond her beauty and her affliction. My heart was stricken beyond healing, and there was no turning it back. Where reality sported void, imagination built empires. I would need to learn of Eris's thoughts, beliefs and ideals, so that I could adapt mine to match in a way that appeared genuine to her. Such were my thoughts. Such were my foolish, childish, lovestruck thoughts.

I enjoyed socialising with Caduceus, and while the food was overly potent for my taste, it was a welcome reprieve from my daily staples. The couch in the common room too was lost on me, as it was so soft I kept sinking into it, but again, it was a nice reprieve from the old, gluteus-worn pads I sat on in my silo. I left his home refreshed and with a new take on life. I'd resolved myself to do two things the next day on my transit home; to rescind my commision to the militia (no easy feat), and to speak with Eris.

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