Chapter 23: Chapter 22: Suffocating Guilt

Edited by: Waning_Crescents

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As soon as they arrived at the hospital, Cal was taken away by the doctors for immediate treatment. Even though he appeared to be stable enough, his blood pressure had dipped below and pulse rate increased. The excessive blood loss made its consequences known; his body had gone in a state of shock. Throughout the whole ride to the hospital, he had never reacted to anything, yet he appeared to be trapped between being conscious and unconscious.

Sigal sat in the waiting room with his elbows propped on his thighs. He clasped his hands together, letting his chin rest on them while he had his eyes fixed at the room where Cal was being treated in. The image of Cal not reacting when he found him, as well as during the ride to the hospital, stirred a feeling of anxiety in him. He was afraid of what would become of Cal. Would he be able to wake, or would he be in a coma for the rest of his life with a small chance of recovery?

Everything that happened this night and everything that led to it, played over and over in his mind, like a video set on repeat, leaving him with unbearable guilt. If I had just been more composed and listened. If I hadn’t left, leaving him to his own devices…I knew he was in danger all along. This little mistake…put him through so much pain…too much and now—

“Here.” A familiar voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and he looked up.

Kristian, who hurried to the hospital as soon as he got word that Cal had been found and brought here, held a little paper coffee cup in front of Sigal’s face. “It was a long night, but ya brought him back. Allow yarself to take a break.”

Sigal grabbed the cup from Kristian’s hand and asked, “Did they find anything?”

“Not yet.” Kristian sat down beside him. “Claire rushed to the scene as soon as she got notified. I am sure she will let us know if there are any new findings.”

Sigal nodded and took a sip from his coffee in silence.

Through the corner of his eyes, Kristian noticed the slight shaking hands of Sigal. He hadn’t seen Cal himself, nor did he know the severity of his injuries and condition. But seeing Sigal —who turned himself into a stern, emotionless and uncaring man— in this state could only mean it was very serious. “Any update from the doctor yet?”

Sigal shook his head.

Even though Kristian lacked the details of the matter, he didn’t want to push for answers either. Especially because Sigal’s condition seemed to be worrisome as well. Beside his trembling hands, the visible bloodshot eyes and his unusually pale face let him appear quite haggard. It was clear that everything that happened dealt a great amount of damage to him as well. “How ya holding up?”

“I’m fine.”

This obvious lie made Kristian frown even though he knew the answer the other would utter before he did. Just sometimes he wished Sigal would be more honest about how he felt, be more wary about his own body and mind. Sigal had always been someone who hid his own worries and pain for the sake of others, but things became even more dire after Noah died. He closed himself completely off, making it an arduous task for others to reach him. This, however, slightly changed after Cal entered his life. It was probably not clear to any outsiders, but to the people who knew him it became clear that Cal managed to produce a crack in his shell, slowly pulling him out of the darkness that engulfed his heart.

“I am sure he will be fine.” Kristian dug for words to encourage Sigal to not give up hope. “He is not weak; he is a fighter, and you know that.”

Sigal nodded. He witnessed with his own eyes that Cal was anything else but weak. Throughout the entire time they worked together, Cal never was one to give up and stood his ground no matter what. He was always stubborn, even cunning at certain times, but all for the sake of other people. How could someone who chose kindness over hatred even though he had enough reason to wreak havoc, be called weak?

After this night, Sigal understood. The one who was weak wasn’t Cal but him. While his partner chose a path to move forward and kept believing in the good in people, he chose the opposite: solitude and hatred.

If I had just realized earlier what Vince meant with his words: ’It’s your behavior that may get him killed one day.’ Sigal gritted his teeth. I get it now. I do. I just hope it’s not too late.

Once again, the image from the last time he saw Cal conscious popped into his mind, when he walked away in shackles. That time when he stared into his partner’s eyes, he clearly saw that the usual strong, powerful spark he carried in his eyes faded away; as if in that second all his hopes and dreams had been taken away and scattered in the wind, never to return. This worried Sigal to no end. Cal had no knowledge he had been returned, not in this state anyway. What if he just gave up, stopped fighting, refusing to ever wake up again?

At that moment a nurse stepped out of the room, causing Sigal and Kristian to jump to their feet. “How is he?”

“He is stable.” The nurse said as she eyed the two men. “The injuries he sustained were not life threatening but weakened him. However, his mental state is kind of concerning. For now, we gave him a tranquilizer which put him to sleep.”

“What do ya mean with ‘his mental state is concerning’?” Kristian couldn’t help but ask.

“We can’t say for sure yet, but his lack of reaction is usually a sign of trauma. But like I said we can’t be certain yet what caused it, it could also be other factors. For that we need—"

“Can I see him?” Sigal interrupted her, not able to listen anymore. With every word the nurse spoke, his heart rate increased.

“As I was about to say. We still must run some tests. Besides, usually only fam—” As she remembered what the doctor told her regarding the patient's family situation, she corrected herself. “I mean, you can see him as soon as we are done.”

Although Kristian’s worry about what he just heard ran deep, he still tried to stay level-headed for the sake of Sigal who turned paler by the second. He put one hand on Sigal’s shoulder and said in a calm voice, “He is in good hands. There is nothing we can do for now. We have to put our trust in the medical experts.” Then he turned to the nurse. “Thank ya very much for yar hard wo—"

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“No. I need to see him. I have to tell him something,” Sigal interrupted him while he stared at the nurse, determination showing in his eyes. “Please! I am afraid that if he doesn’t hear what I have to say then he might never come back to us.”

Kristian stared at Sigal, lost for words. Just as he thought Sigal was still incapable of being true to himself, he blurted this out.

The nurse looked Sigal up and down and then furrowed her brows. “I might get you an exception. But!” She narrowed her eyes. “When I see you in this condition, I am more worried you could collapse at any second. In order to follow through with your request, you will have to do me the favor of getting checked as well.”

Sigal fell silent for a moment. The thought of being absent for a while, not able to keep an eye on who entered and left his partner’s room made him feel conflicted.

“What are ya hesitating for?” Kristian stepped in. “I am also here to keep an eye on things while ya gone. Go, tell him what ya have to say.” A soft smile appeared on his lips.

Sigal glanced at him, but then nodded before he turned back to the nurse. “Fine, but after I see him.”

The nurse agreed, busied herself in getting the consent of the doctor, and returned just a few minutes later with good news. Then she led Sigal into Cal’s room, leaving the two of them alone.

Sigal walked up to the bed, gazing at the calm, sleeping young man. His ponytail was undone, and his long white hair sprawled on the pillow. In his right arm, a butterfly needle was taped with fluids running steadily through the IV drip attached. Sigal stared at his pale face before he glanced at his chest which was covered by bandages once more. Just this time not to cover up scars, but for medical reasons. His eyelids drooped as he gently grabbed Cal’s right hand. “Cal, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that you are not alone. You will never be alone again, that I promise you.” He paused for a moment, slightly squeezing Cal’s hand as he continued, “So please don’t give up. You are strong, I know you are. You must fight and come back. Everyone is waiting for your return.”

He leaned closer to Cal’s face, brushing a lock of hair out of his forehead before gently kissing it. Please, come back to me.

Then he pulled back, watching Cal’s face in hope that he would open his eyes the next second. Unfortunately, Cal’s eyelids remained stagnant, but compared to how Sigal found him, he appeared more peaceful now and that put Sigal a bit at ease.

“I’ll be back,” he said in a low tone of voice before he left the room.

 

After Sigal followed up with the requested check-up, the doctors didn’t find anything major to keep him in the hospital. However, the drug he got injected with along with the constant stress and activity the past few hours, left his body and mind fatigued, so the doctor urged him to go home and rest up.

“And?” Kristian asked as Sigal walked up to him.

“I’m fine.”

“He needs some rest, or his body will give in sooner or later.” The doctor who followed after Sigal corrected the investigator.

Sigal clicked his tongue. “I am of no concern right now. I won’t leave.”

Kristian sighed, motioning to the doctor that he would handle it, who nodded and left right after.

“Ya won’t do him any favor if ya collapse here and now. What can ya even do in yar state?” Kristian crossed his arms.

“Are you looking for a fight?”

Kristian slowly shook his head. “Be reasonable for once. Ya need to calm down and rest up. Cal is safe here. I also contacted the corps division. Lucian will send two of his members over to guard Cal’s room. They can handle it, or are ya saying they are not reliable enough? That ya don’t have faith in yar colleagues?”

“That’s not it. It’s just…” The guilt that whirled in Sigal’s heart told him that he didn’t deserve to slow down, that he had to push himself beyond his limit. This strong feeling was like a punishment mechanism that wouldn’t let him rest no matter what, even if it meant breaking down in the end. This, however, wasn’t the only reason why he hesitated. He also wanted to be present in case Cal woke up. What if he did and no one was there? Would he even recognize where he was, or would he still think he was in the hands of his half-brother?

“There is nothing ya can do for him for now, Sigal. But I know he wouldn’t want ya to punish yarself like that. It’s not yar fault this happened.”

You are wrong. It is my fault. He furrowed his brows. But he is right about one thing that Cal wouldn’t be happy seeing me like this.

With a heavy heart Sigal eventually agreed, letting Kristian take him home as soon as the members of the corps division arrived.

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