Chapter 19: 19: Professor Onesie

Our late lunch turned out to be mostly a Rosie and Brook thing. Two natural extroverts were hard to compete against in terms of conversational real estate, and I didn’t feel the need to get too involved anyway. Brook got very invested in Rosie’s story of love and woe, even going so far as to reveal she had an instagram account of her own. She followed Rosie and together they did battle with the liars and trolls of instagram. I think by the end of it Rosie was actually enjoying herself. Brook has this way of making problems like this seem less stressful than they would otherwise be.

When lunch was over and my new friend and my oldest friend had gotten very well acquainted, we all exchanged numbers. I said my goodbyes early, I wanted to get back to Ms Monahan’s place and find out what had happened at my parents' place. I was more than a little anxious about the whole thing and now that I knew Brook was safe and okay, it was Ms Monahan that was on my mind now. I hoped nothing bad had happened to her.

It took a while to get back to her house, which was a little further out of the suburban area that was White Plains. The bus ride back was fairly uneventful, apart from a middle aged man staring at me for a few stops. He sat in front of me two stops after I got on and proceeded to turn and glance at me every so often. It was pretty creepy. Nothing happened though and he got off the bus before me.

When I knocked on the door to Ms Monahan’s home, she opened it straight away, and the look on her face was not promising.

“Ms Monahan! What’s wrong? Did they hurt you or anything?” I asked quickly, already looking over her for bruises or something.

“No nothing like that dear, and call me Diana when we’re in the house. Hearing my last name like that makes me think I’m at work,” she said, ushering me inside.

It felt nice to be given first name use, and I smiled, “Oh. Okay then, um... Diana. So what happened then?”

“Let’s sit down first,” she told me, motioning me towards the living room and the couches.

When we were seated she said, “Alright well. When I arrived I found a bit of a spectacle. Your father had apparently rented a dumpster and was busy throwing your belongings into it. After smashing anything that could be smashed.”

I felt my blood run cold as she told me this. All of my things smashed and thrown away? The next day? Were my parents really that vindictive?

“But why?” I asked softly, staring down at the floor.

“Well I walked up and asked what he was doing. He told me he was throwing out old things. I asked if it was your stuff, using the name Eloise. He was confused at first. Didn’t know the name Eloise I guess. When I explained, he grew extremely angry, started throwing things about the place. Almost hit me a few times, but I’ve dealt with worse. Your mother heard the commotion and came outside,” she explained, her voice cold as she frowned her displeasure at the coffee table.

“What did she say?” I prompted, already fearing for Diana.

She waved my concerned look down and continued, “Your father ‘explained’ the situation before I had a chance. I hadn’t said anything other than your name until now, so your mother tried to grill me about you. Asked all sorts of questions. Where you were and what you were doing etc. I told them you were staying at my house, but not where that is. I explained, or attempted to explain, that you are transgender. Your father was rather… irate by this point. He got very close, tried to lord it over me in that typical male way that men from his generation do. He liked the way I stood my ground even less than everything else I’d said and done.

“I asked if I could take some of your things rather than have it all go to waste. That turned out to be the wrong thing to ask, as he then tried to punch me. I put his face into the pavement pretty quickly, and let them know my phone had been recording the conversation. I left and watched from down the street. When they went inside I rushed back to the dumpster to grab anything I could see that would be of use. It seems your father isn’t very tech savvy, because I got two rather nice solid state drives from the wreckage of your computer,” she grinned producing them from her jacket pocket and passing them over to me.

“These… oh my goddess they are mine! The rest is…” I asked, my heart rising before I felt my stomach drop out when I realised what this meant.

“I’m afraid the rest of your computer was in pieces yes… I’m so sorry. There really wasn’t much to save except clothing I assume you no longer want to wear,” she said sadly, reaching over to take hold of my hand.

I know it was just a computer, but to me it was so much more. It had been my escape from a reality that had been crushing my spirit and my will to live. It had been my companion when all others failed to protect me from my own mind. It had allowed me to escape into worlds where I was a girl, if only in digital form, and that had been so important. Important because those small doses of gender euphoria kept darker thoughts at bay, if just for a moment.

Everything I had known had been pulled out from under me in the space of a few days. Sure my existence prior to the emergence had been one of mere survival, where actual happiness had been something that was more myth than reality, but it had been what I knew. This was all I had left of who I had been. That and my skateboard. It was for those reasons that I cried.

The tears started before I realised I was upset, and the sobbing soon followed. Almost my entire life was gone. Stolen by circumstance and shitty people. I pulled my legs up to my chest and cried into them, trying in vain to hide my tears from the woman sitting a few feet away. It wasn’t just the terror of my parents finding out that scared me, it was the fear of what they could still do. They had controlled everything. My father was terrifying, he had no filter on either his words or his actions, and he could do a lot of harm with them.

Then there was my mother. She had spent my whole life pushing me and pushing me towards what she saw as success, but every time I reached a set of goal posts, she barely cared. It was always the next objective. There was no time for celebration. Why had I not already completed the next item on the list? Useless child! She would come and find me later to start the argument up all over again, only to find me already upset. She’d tell me how I needed to become more manly if I didn’t want to die alone. How I’d never find a real woman to love me if I didn’t crush those petty unimportant emotions and square my shoulders.

I remembered one time, where I’d felt love for the first time. I’d been crushing on this cute girl from high school. We’d been starting to become friends, and obviously to my mind this meant we could be something more. I thought she felt the same. I’d been wrong. I came home from school that day and I was heartbroken. I’d lost a potential friend and someone I’d been starting to care about. She’d laughed in my face when I told her why I was upset. She told me how I was young, and what I’d felt wasn’t real. I was too young and stupid for real love she said. She told me it was best to focus on my grades instead.

I cried for everything. My mind piling more and more fuel onto the sorrowful bonfire in my mind. It was like an avalanche of anguish that just didn’t stop. I felt my voice crack and strain under the strength of my emotions. I don’t know when it started, but I was suddenly shaking and hiccuping along with it all. What a fucking mess. I was worthless. Diana would probably ask me to leave soon. No one wanted to be around someone like me.

Then all of a sudden, there was a pair of arms around me. I was pulled into Diana’s lap almost fiercely. She didn’t say anything, I know I wouldn’t have known what the hell to say in this situation. But she held me to her and ran a kind and gentle hand down my back over and over, letting me cry it all out in the comfort of her arms. I think it was the fact she seemed to care at all that helped the most, even more than the physical contact.

It was probably an hour later that she finally said something, her voice raspy with emotion and disuse, “You know, I remember when I came out. I knew my parents would hate it, as you probably knew too. I figured maybe things would be rough for a while, then I’d be able to bring them round. I was half right. My dad came around, but my mother tried to kill me.”

I looked up at her in shock at that last, finally meeting her eyes.

She nodded at the silent question, “Yup. She saw me walking to school one day. I was staying with a friend at the time. She swerved onto the pavement and tried to hit me. No one saw and it was my word against hers if we ever went to court. I cried myself to sleep for a week after that. We’d had a pretty good relationship before everything. What I’m saying is that I know what it’s like to have your parents just abandon you like that and I’ll be fucking damned if I let those evil bigots hurt you anymore alright? To quote a movie you’ve probably seen, I have a certain set of skills… they will regret crossing me if they try.”

I frowned up at the last thing she’d said. What did she mean? My voice was too shot, both mentally and physically to ask, but she got the message.

“Nothing to talk about now dear. I think we need to have a night in, maybe watch a movie and eat junk food. Get to know each other better huh? You’ll be calling this place home for a while after all,” she said, smiling a bittersweet smile.

I felt my breathing calm down a bit as she turned the conversation and my thoughts towards comfort. Her hand was still working gently at my back, and it was doing wonders as well as her words. I gave her a nod to say I was up for movies and junk food. She was a cool woman. Wish my mother had been half as cool as her.

 

****

 

Later that night I headed to my room. Diana and I had spent the night talking and eating snacks, then we’d ordered pizza and watched some terrible movie on TV. She’d waved half a pizza slice at the adverts that came on, dissing the companies for their bullshit. She seemed to follow a lot of politics. She was such a cool badass lady. I was very thankful it was her doorstep I had been dumped on. Oh and she wore a onesie.

My room didn’t have much in it, but it had space for more things if I managed to get a job and buy them for myself. A new computer one day maybe. It seemed like such a stretch though, considering how expensive they could be. I mean, the new one needed to be an upgrade right?

I wasn’t going to get enough money for that soon either way though. How the hell as I meant to get a job? It wasn’t common, but people did discriminate against emerged, and I was very obviously emerged. My glowing eyes and freckles made sure everyone knew. I guess I’d be an asset in a kitchen or something though with my powers. Maybe I could sell any future employers on that? I really didn’t want a job like that though. That sounded soul crushing at a time when I really needed room to figure out who I was.

Not knowing what to do with myself I sat down on my bed, as Diana had gone to bed earlier than I normally would. Professors have to get to work early I guess. I plugged my phone into the charger, lighting up the screen momentarily, and saw I had a message on discord. Huh, who was trying to talk to me? I’d been fairly awol from my gaming circles recently.

When I unlocked my phone and opened the app, it turns out it was maddy! She was asking how the rest of my day had gone.

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Elsie: Pretty good. I went to my friend’s house. Met some chick who had just broken up with her boyfriend. Had a heart to heart with Ms Monahan over dinner and TV movies.

Maddy: Awesome! So glad to hear it! You deserve all the fun in the world!

Elsie: Haha.. nah. How was your day?

Maddy: Boring… I just went home.

Elsie: Didn’t hang with your roommates or whatever? Or parents I guess?

Maddy: Oh um… No I live alone. I think I told you that? I don’t know. Yeah, uh just me here.

Elsie: Oh I’m sorry…

Maddy: It’s okay. I guess being alone in a house is fun too. I get it all to myself! Well, the cleaning everything myself part sucks tho…

Elsie: Yeah. Hey you um… want to jump in a call?

Maddy:

Elsie: Okay I’ll join our private server!

I did so, hopping in the single channel we had set up. We’d made the thing when I was still on my old computer so we could game together. She joined at almost the exact same time.

“Hi!” she greeted me excitedly.

“Hey,” I replied, letting out a little half chuckle at her enthusiasm.

“Sorry! I just got excited to um… hang out. Anyway! How um, would you like to play anything?” she asked, trying and failing to downplay her excitement.

I sighed, my face falling somewhat, even if she couldn’t see it, “Um… no I can’t. I don’t have anything but a busted old laptop. My um… my dad broke all my stuff today.”

“What…?” she asked in disbelief.

“Yeah…” I breathed, beginning to explain what Diana had told me.

When I was done, she was silent for a while, then uncharacteristically she swore, “Fucking dickhead! Seriously! You’re like the sweetest girl ever and he does that! Your mum too! She should be cherishing you, not throwing you away like this! At least she…” she trailed off, her voice cracking a little bit, “At least she fucking has the chance! What a waste!”

I was a little stunned by Maddy’s outburst. I think that was the highest volume I’d ever heard her voice reach, including arguing with those guys at the party when I first saw her.

“What do you mean, ‘At least she has the chance?’” I asked tentatively.

“Um… it’s nothing. I just used to have a mum, and she was awesome, and now I don’t. This conversation is about you, not me,” she said, her voice ringing with old pain, “I just hate it when parents throw away their kids, because at least they have the chance to be caring family. It’s her job after all!”

“Yeah… I don’t know. I think I’ll be better off without them. I’ve told you how toxic they are to me before… this evening with Diana, she did more to make me feel cared for than my mother ever has. I can’t remember the last time she sacrificed her night to cheer me up and make me happy,” I told her, smiling at the memory of the evening.

“Yeah. I know what you mean. Sorry I just… yeah. You’re so amazing and you deserve far better than what they gave you,” she said.

“Thank you,” I smiled.

“You sound happy,” she said, and I heard the smile in her voice.

“I think I actually am? I had a really good cry earlier today and I feel sort of emotionally refreshed, it’s weird,” I said a little embarrassed.

“No it’s not weird. Don’t feel weird for crying, it’s like really good for you! I make myself cry on purpose sometimes to de-stress,” Maddy said with a light sternness to her tone.

“Hah I guess. My father and my mother would hate hearing that,” I laughed.

“Your parents are idiots Elsie, so of course they would hate something that’s right,” she said.

“Yeah true…” I sighed, flopping back onto my bed with my phone in hand.

“So um, are you still doing uni and stuff? Will I still see you…? What about a new computer?” she asked, sounding a little less determined and sure of herself now.

“Yes to all queries!” I said with a grin, “Diana would probably get pissed if I dropped out over this.”

“Diana?”

“Yeah that’s Ms Monahan’s name. She told me to use that when we’re at home,” I explained.

“Coool! I like hearing you sound happy,” she said, and I felt like she was beaming at me through my phone.

We stayed in the call for a long time that night, just chatting and keeping each other company. It was odd how this day had turned out to be one that I felt had actually been a good. I wanted more like it. I wanted to find out about Maddy though. I’d thought she was a pretty normal nerdy girl, but after our chat I realised she might have something going on underneath, and it didn’t seem like something happy. Maybe I could ask her later?

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