Chapter 1: Chapter: 1 Game Over You’re Dead

“Hello, this is Jeff Juggernaut with my beautiful co-host Ruby Apocalypse bringing you the World Championship finals of the card collecting game that has taken the gaming world by storm, Hero Seeker Online. Are you all ready for this--”

Energetic music from an early 2000’s action movie kicked in and the crowd erupted in cheers. The camera panned over to a group in the audience dressed in black and chanting, “Necroduck, Necroduck.”

“The crowd is pumped for this battle,” continued Jeff. “Ruby, who do you think will take the trophy home with them tonight?”

A pale redheaded girl wearing cat ears and dark eyeliner appeared on screen. Her camera had a shallow focus but in the background I could make out her bed littered with stuffed animals.

Ruby adjusted her microphone and it crackled noisily.

“Sorry about that Jeff,” she said. “Technical difficulties. This is going to be a battle not soon forgotten. These two titans, Necroduck and SomeGuyInARobe have shown real talent and courage throughout this whole tournament. But my money’s on Necroduck, his Queen of Darkness deck packs some heavy punches.”

Jeff wore a rented tuxedo and sported a hairstyle inspired by a sucked mango pip. He stroked a stray hair on his prepubescent chin and nodded like he was a wise kung fu master speaking to his disciples.

“We have seen some strange combos from SomeGuyInARobe,” he said. “Some of the fans are saying that he's made it this far by sheer luck. He's running a Hells Pixie Girl deck which has seen no pro play all year. If his luck holds out and he performs as well as he has all afternoon, I think he's got the title in the bag.”

The screen flashed and an advert for ‘Extra Crunchy Crisps’ played.

I adjusted my camera to hide the empty pizza boxes and crushed energy drink cans that littered my dorm room.

“So crunchy, it's a shitstorm in your mouth,” the advert boomed out its catchphrase and then the camera swung back to Jeff who was leaning out of his chair and talking to someone off screen.

Probably his mother telling him to come down for dinner.

Jeff’s turned red as he realized he was back on screen.

“The battle is about to begin,” he stuttered. “On the blue screen playing from his bedroom in the city of windmills- Netherlands is Necroduck.”

Dramatic music played and an image appeared on the screen of a balding man wearing a Slayer shirt and balancing a bowl of crisps on his belly.

Necroduck stuffed a handful of crisps into his mouth and crunched them loudly into his microphone.

“He looks hungry for the win,” said Ruby. “And Jeff, the Netherlands is actually a country.” She flashed her trademark smile and the crowed cheered again. “On the red screen and hailing from the land of cheese- Wisconsin- the man of mystery himself, SomeGuyInARobe.”

The dramatic music played again and an image of me, a skinny twenty year old guy wearing bathrobes and lowering my beanie over my eyes appeared on screen.

“And he’s wearing his trademark beanie and bathrobe,” said Jeff.

The crowd cheered and then booed like a confused drunken orchestra. I didn't have any fans in the crowd. I was an unknown and most people thought I’d made it to the finals by luck or by cheating.

“Contestants,” said Jeff. “Do you want to say anything before the fight begins?”

“Oh yeah,” roared Necroduck. “I'm gonna tear off Robe’s head and shit down his throat.”

Ruby laughed.

“Robe any words of wisdom you wish to share?”

I took a sip of my energy drink, cleared my throat and leaned in close to the microphone.

“Can we get started?” My voice was barely above a whisper. “My roommate is sleeping and I have an early morning tomorrow.”

“Wow, such a funny guy,” said Jeff in his overly enthusiastic voice. “Let's get this show on the road then. The Hero Seeker finals are about to begin.”

Another advert played on screen this time it was for pizza flavored milk. I turned down the volume on my headsets and spun in my chair. I really needed to pee.

As soon as I stood up the game’s battleground finished loading and my avatar appeared on screen.

Shit, I'm going to have to beat this guy quick.

---

“Necroduck starts us off by summoning a Shambling Bone Caster,” said Ruby. “It's a weak fodder creature but a great sacrifice for the Queen of Darkness if he draws it.”

“If he doesn't already have it in his hand,” said Jeff.

“Let's hope not or this game will be over before it’s even begun,” said Ruby. “For all those new to the game. What makes Hero Seeker Online different from other games is that it's not just a card game. It's also a fighting game. You get to control a character and cast spells, creating a unique action packed strategy experience--”

The commentary and game music faded from mind as I concentrated on my opening move.

I kept my character in the same place and selected Black Lightning. I could target Necroduck and hit him for 3 damage or I could take out the Shambling Bone Caster. I flicked the card forward and an animation played of the card disintegrating. A black bolt of lightning streaked across the battleground.

Necroduck summoned a wall of bones to defend the Bone Caster and the lightning exploded against the defensive spell and fizzled out.

“Interesting,” said Jeff. “Necroduck used a shield spell to protect such a weak creature?”

“Good point, Jeff. I think we are about to find out why.”

I summoned a Ravenous Pack of Rats and followed that up with a Mimic spell doubling the amount of rats.

“We have seen this attack before,” said Ruby. “But will a rat pack be able to defeat Necroduck's undead horde?”

The Shambling Bone Caster raised its staff and a swarm of corrupted flies attacked me dealing 1 point of corruption damage.

Necroduck flicked two cards into the air. The first spell Undead Touch took hold and my rat army shrieked in pain. The skin melted off of the rat’s bodies revealing bones and chunks of flesh. The second spell card took effect and the undead rats changed targets and turned on me.

“It's an Undead Touch into a Skeleton’s Crown,” shouted Jeff. “Necro has turned the rats into undead, then taken control of all the undead on the battleground. Things are heating up nicely.”

“How is SomeGuyInARobe going to handle the plot twist?” said Ruby. “What card could he have up his sleeve?”

The commentary was annoying as hell but I tried my best to push it out of my mind. I drew a card and smiled.

“We know that smile,” said Jeff. “It has to be.”

I swished the card through the air and I watched the spell take hold. The card vanished in a puff of smoke and a dazzling particle effect of green and black lights filled the screen.

“It's a Hell’s Pixie Girl,” said Ruby.

The Pixie Girl, dressed in a sexy leather bodysuit appeared in front of me and blew me a kiss.

“How may I serve you, Master?” she asked in a seductive drawling voice.

I actually had every skin they’d released for Hell’s Pixie, but I always used the bodysuit even though it made me look like a pervert.

“Hell’s Pixie Girl gets one random ability when she appears on the battleground,” said Ruby. “This could be game changing.”

Ability icons shifted over the Pixie’s head at random. My deck was built around randomness which made it hard to defend against. I had so many combos in the deck that no matter what ability she got I could make it work.

An icon of cloak and dagger settled over the Pixie.

“Oh unlucky,” said Jeff. “Invisibility. It's a great ability for high damage dealers but on Hell’s Pixie Girl, it only ensures 1 point of unblockable damage before she loses her invisibility.”

That was not exactly true but I couldn't blame Jeff for getting it wrong. I was the only player on the pro scene that used this card. Invisibility meant that she could bypass the defenders and attack with unblockable damage. So if I drew Rapid Growth and boosted her damage she would be dishing out massive unblockable damage.

“I don't think Necroduck will waste a spell on her,” said Ruby. “It looks like the end is near for SomeGuyInARobe.”

Necroduck cast Jagged Prison and spikes jutted out of the ground surrounding my avatar and locking me in place.

He followed up his trap card by attacking with the Bone Caster and the Ravenous Pack of Undead Rats. They did an insane amount of damage.

“He only has 1 health left,” Ruby said. “He needs to pull something big out of his ass or this game is over.”

She wasn't wrong. I cast Flame Strike and shattered the prison, then I bypassed Necroducks defenders and moved the invisible Hells Pixie beside him. The Hells Pixie could attack from range but I had another card up my sleeve and needed her standing in melee range.

I followed that up with a Fog of War preventing all creatures from attacking for one round. It might be a bit of a dick hole card to use but I needed a lucky draw to end the match.

“He's buying time,” said Jeff. “But he needs an insane draw to turn this battle around.”

Necroduck raised a card and extended a finger at the Shambling Bone Caster. The creature bowed its head and black flames engulfed it.

“You know what time it is,” roared Jeff. “All hail the Queen of Darkness.”

The crowd chanted Necroduck's name again.

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Out of the Bone Caster’s ashes emerged a figure shrouded in darkness. Light glinted off of red armor that emphasized a pair of heaving breasts. A whip appeared in the Queen’s hand and her raven black hair fell back to reveal twin ram horns and red eyes.

“SomeGuyInARobe must be kicking himself for using Flame Strike on the prison instead of the Bone Caster,” said Ruby.

Necroduck raised a card and an emblem appeared above the heads of each of his monsters.

Stupid move, he’s just trying to impress the crowd.

“He’s shooting for the overkill finisher,” said Jeff. “He already has lethal damage. Once Fog of War’s ability expires it's game over.”

I had 1 health point left and two cards in my hand. Necroduck had made his first mistake. He should have killed Hell's Pixie Girl instead of boosting the stats of his own minions.

I cast Shadow Reversal and the spell took effect switching my position with the Hell’s Pixie Girl. This simple common spell allowed me to bypass all of Necro’s blocking creatures.

Next, I used an equipment card called Heaven's Bastard Sword and a golden blade appeared in my hands. I leapt through the air, more for effect than for any other reason and light split the clouds above the arena and tore through the battle ground.

I felt a rush of adrenaline as I slammed the sword down in an overhanded slash. The beam of light ripped through Necro’s defenses dealing damage equal to my missing life.

“Did we just see that?" roared Jeff. “They are both on 1 life and the Hell’s Pixie still has her attack. OMG, OMG.”

Hell’s Pixie Girl raised a hand to her lips and blew a kiss.

“Pleasure serving you Master,” she said.

The kiss, shaped like a heart, floated across the battleground and popped as it collided against Necroduck’s avatar- dealing exactly 1 damage.

Necroduck's avatar burst into flames, then turned to stone and finally crumbled into a pile of ash. I ran my avatar over the pile of ash and began smashing the shift key.

“The disrespect,” said Jeff.

The crowd were not happy with the finish. They booed and shouted at me for my cheap win but as my great grandmother always used to say. If they hate us it's because they’re an anus. She wasn't very good at poetry.

“What an upset,” shouted Ruby. “The Hero Seeker Finals--”

I took off my headset, pushed back my chair and ran to the toilet. My bladder was about to burst.

---

I returned to the PC and put on my headset and prepared myself for the post-game interview.

I just hoped Ruby was doing the interview and not Jeff. He was a dick hole. He’d done my semi-final interview and it had been a shitshow. He’d asked me why I built my deck around Hell's Pixie Girl. I jokingly- not jokingly, said I liked little girls calling me Master.

I received so many hate filled shit eater messages on all my social media platforms that my sponsors pulled out. The Pixie’s a thousand years old and wearing a leather bodysuit. Give me a damn break.

I heard a loud pinging sound and saw an ingame message pop up from someone calling themselves Maker.

Can you defeat a god?

I figured it was probably some kid that had just watched my match. I responded to the childish message with an equally childish answer.

I’ll beat anyone or any god any time.

I hit send.

---

There is nothing more depressingly optimistic than the morning erection. I am single, still a virgin and nothing in my life indicates that any of that will ever change but there's no convincing my penis of that.

Every morning I am faced with the same decision: do I masturbate or urinate with a boner. It's the one time in the day where I feel like I have options that actually matter.

This fateful morning I chose to urinate. If I could see the future I would have brought out the bottle of lube and toys and made a real mess of it but all I knew was that I was running late for the morning train.

It was my father's fiftieth birthday and since my mothers passing my family made a big deal about these things.

I watered my herb garden, skipped breakfast and jumped onto my bicycle and headed downtown to the train station.

---

 

I rounded the corner and a jogger in pink leggings so tight that I could see the dimples on her buttcheeks ran by. My well trained eyes followed her ass like a documentary filmmaker getting the perfect shot.

I was getting to the part in staring where the mind takes over and begins to imagine wild and crazy scenarios that only happen in pornos. It was at the precise moment that the universe, being the asshole it is, chose that moment to throw a fire hydrant in my way.

I hit the ground with a resounding thump and groaned like Chewbacca being stabbed to death with a ballpoint pen. My nostrils filled with the smell of burnt rubber as car tires screeched all about me.

“Mother custard son a biscuit,” shouted a man. “Watch where you’re walking, I could have killed you.”

I looked up at an apron with a smiling cat on it. I raised my head higher and saw a long manicured beard and then a pair of sunken eyes that looked like they were peeping out of deep caves.

The man gazed down at me with a look that was a combination of relief, confusion and pure terror.

I stood up and wiped my hands on my clothes and winced. Blood dripped from my hands with gravel sticking to it like sprinkles on a doughnut.

I could just imagine how many people had spat out of their windows onto the ground I’d been lying on as they drove by.

So many germs. It's going to hurt so bad when I wash my hands with sanitizer.

The bearded man picked up my bicycle.

“It’s in better condition than you are. Can you ride it or do you need a lift somewhere?”

I looked at his van and read the sign on the side. ‘Yummilicious Treats.’ The van looked like something a kidnapper would drive.

“Thanks, I’ll take my chances on my own.”

---

I arrived at the train station and waited in the line with a bunch of unsympathetic human scum. I was dirty, bleeding and my clothes were ripped, but I was told to go to the back of the queue and wait like everybody else.

Eventually, after being shouted at by an angry old woman for bleeding on her shoes, I boarded the train.

The train pulled out of the station and of course nobody offered me their seat. So I stood holding onto the rail with the hand that was bleeding the least.

I looked around for an empty seat hoping someone would feel guilty and move for me but as I gazed around I noticed something strange.

A girl was staring at me. Girls didn't look at me, unless it was to make fun of me or in some ironic way that I wasn't cool enough to understand.

This girl was more than just looking at me though. She had a manic grin on her face and she maintained eye contact for a full incredibly uncomfortable minute.

I should have looked away. Maybe I was on a high from my win the night before or maybe it was the blood loss but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. It wasn't just the fact that she had long blue hair in pigtails or that she was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. It wasn't even because she was wearing a bridesmaids dress, which was damn strange. No, it was her eyes, purple and sparkly like an amethyst in the sun. I couldn't look away.

She released the hand rail and drifted towards me and my heart beat like a drum kit being beaten to death by a teenager in his mother’s basement.

The crowd parted for the girl like she was an actress in a crappy 90’s movie and she moved as if the wind gently pushed her along, her thin bridesmaid dress billowing seductively around her.

Maybe it was because I’d missed my morning masturbation but I was in love. Admittedly I fell in love with strangers on the train at least three times a week but this was different. This girl was looking at me.

The train passed through a tunnel and the cart wobbled causing my hand to slip off of the handrail and the girl to stumble into me. In that brief moment I caught her scent she smelt the way I’d always imagined a girl would smell, sweet and flowery with a hint of spice.

Pain shot through my stomach and I looked down and saw blood on my hands.

Lots of blood.

“What--”

The knife plunged into my stomach a second time.

I stumbled and a blurry-faced man shoved me out of the way and a woman screamed as I collapsed on the seat beside her.

I sank into the seat and felt the leather cushions wrap their arms around me. It was a strange feeling, almost like death welcoming an old friend back home.

The world stopped spinning and I took my final breath.

I really should have masturbated this morning.

---

[Level 1 - Progress towards next level: 0%]

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