Chapter 11: Chapter: 11 Psycho Gruffalo

Talasin POV

We marched out of the camp leaving Ahri seated beside the fire. She was being a stubborn ass as usual. I’d only known her for a few days and already I was starting to think I might be better off alone. She was cute- on occasion- but a pain in the ass the rest of the time, the math just didn't add up.

She said she could send me back home when she got her realm back but she didn't seem that desperate to get it back. I thought she’d use every opportunity to get stronger but she seemed more concerned about comfortable beds and home cooked meals.

“Do you think she’ll be alright?” I asked.

Flint spat out a mouthful of rocks.

“She's a goddess. Even if she's lost most of her powers, there’s not much out here that could harm her.”

I glanced over my shoulder and saw the faint shape of Ahri sitting beside the fire in the distance.

“She’s so stubborn,” I said. “You saw that I won the wishbone game, but no, she decides that she's not coming with us. I'm a free bird now. I don't need to answer to anyone, I just want to spread my wings and let my creative juices flow.”

The titan stopped brushing his teeth with his finger and looked up at me.

“I understand you just want to experiment a bit,” he said. ”Go wild, maybe try something completely different, something a little bit crazy.” He shrugged. “I don't know… maybe try a certain man of stone--”

“How old are you, Flint?”

The titan spat out the sand.

“That's a pretty personal question.”

“I just want to know if you’re a creepy old guy or a horny teenager.”

Flint laughed and said, “It's not really a choice, rock hard titan and soft cock don’t mix together, if you know what I mean.”

“You do know that you are naked? There’s nothing between your legs apart from a mossy patch that you should probably get checked out.”

“I'm flattered that you’ve been looking, but who says that’s where it is? Titans are… unique.”

He wiggled his fingers.

“They call me Spider.”

I gagged.

“You touched our food with those hands.”

---

We walked through grasslands in silence for a few moments taking in the scenery and keeping an eye out for magical beasts.

Even with all this nature around my mind kept drifting back to Ahri. I couldn't leave her, not yet. She might have killed me in another life but she was also the only friend I had in this new life. Besides, she was the sexiest woman I’d ever spoken to and more importantly the sexiest woman that had spoken back to me. If it came down to it, settling in this new world wasn't all that horrible. I could become a powerful cardmage, buy a farm, grow some vegetables and maybe start a family.

“How do rock titans reproduce?” I asked.

Flint gave me a sidelong look.

“Don't worry you won’t get pregnant from eating my food.”

I laughed, “No that's not what I mean, I was just wondering how it all works.”

“Well Talasin, when two rock titans really love each other and they’ve had a bit too much wine they um… fuck and stones chip off in the act and little titans are born.”

I stopped walking and stared at Flint.

“You shitting me?”

“And you’re the one asking me how old I am?” Flint shook his head. “No, childbirth is more complicated than that, it's actually a bit of a secret.”

“I'm your Master I'm sure it's ok if you told me.”

Flint leaned in and spoke in a low voice.

“You see if a god jerks off in the sky and his baby juice lands on a rock recently struck by lightning then a rock titan is born.”

He said all that with a completely straight face so I really couldn't tell if the titan was messing with me or if this world was that screwed up.

---

A reddish brown furry creature that reminded me of a baby cow stopped grazing and looked up at us. It had large green eyes, long eyelashes and tiny pink bumps on its head that would probably grow into horns.

So damn cute.

I scanned the creature.

*

Name: Flobs

Race: Gruffalo

Level: 1

Health: 9

Status: Curious

*

The baby gruffalo chewed on a mouthful of grass and watched me as I slowly drew my last binding card.

“Time to bag myself a cute summon,” I said.

The titan whimpered and gave me a wounded puppy look.

“You know what I mean,” I said quickly.

Flint raised a hand and looked away.

“I feel so used. The first cute creature you see and you’re already discarding me. What does a baby gruffalo have that I...”

The baby gruffalo blinked at us.

“Oh I see what you mean,” said Flint. “That itty bitty thing is so adorable I could eat it whole.”

“Maybe don't mention that to Ahri, she’d probably cook it when we aren't looking.”

“So are you going to bind it?” he asked. “I didn't think you were into forcing magical beasts to serve you?”

“It's not like that, Flint. It's survival of the fittest. I need to build a powerful deck if we are going to save this world.”

“And this little thing is what you need?” he asked.

I glared at him.

“Do you mind? I am trying to bind him before he runs away.”

“Sorry Master, don't let me get in your way while you kidnap this baby creature.”

I pushed Flint’s words out of my mind and targeted the baby gruffalo and cast the binding spell.

* Target resisted

“I think we need to weaken it first,” I said. “Can this thing understand us?”

Flint shrugged.

“Does it look like it can?”

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The gruffalo continued chewing on its mouthful of grass and flicked its tail at a fly that had tried to land on it.

“You’re a magical creature and you can understand me so...”

“You’re comparing me to a cow?” said Flint.

“But it’s a really cute cow.”

“It’s still a cow…”

The titan picked up a stone and swiveled it around its mouth.

“So what’s this great plan of yours?”

I rubbed my hands together.

“Most animals detect danger by smell, but you smell like dirt.”

The titan spat the stone into his hand.

“Is that meant to make me feel better?”

“Flint, you sneak up on it and bonk it over the head, don’t kill it, we just need it half dead.”

The titan stared at me in astonishment.

“What kind of monster are you?”

The baby gruffalo raised its head and cried like somebody was murdering it.

“I thought you said it couldn’t understand us?” I said.

“I thought you said you had a clever idea,” said the titan.

“Shit. Just bonk it now.”

“Um, Talasin.”

“What? Just do it?”

“We have a problem.”

The earth trembled and I had watched the Lion King enough times to know what that meant.

“Oh, shit.”

A stampede of adult gruffalos headed straight at us.

---

Once again I was running for my life and as I sprinted walls of jagged rocks sprung up all around me trying to pin me down.

“What’s happening?” I yelled.

The titan was much faster than he looked. He ran alongside me effortlessly, pausing only to pop another stone into his mouth.

“They are magical beasts,” he said. “Which means they have magic.”

“What are our choices?”

“Stay and get trampled to death,” said the titan. “Or run and get trampled to death.”

A wall sprung up in front of us and the titan without skipping a beat punched through the wall and kept running.

I cast Polyblade and a message flooded my vision.

* Predicting probability--

* Rupturing the magical barriers--

* Creating an anti-time reaction--

* Weapon selected--

* Have a good day

Something small and shiny fell from the sky and I dived over a rock and caught the weapon.

* Zombie harp

If you have ever heard zombies making music then you know that this is a real weapon.

“What the hell is this?” I shouted.

The stampede was catching up to us, they had us walled in with earth magic. It was just a matter of time before hooves pulverized my new body. Soon I’d be dead once again and I’d die a virgin.

“I really need to have sex,” I shouted.

“You could have told me that earlier,” shouted the titan. “We are about to get fucked and not in the good way.”

I tossed the harp at the alpha gruffalo. It was a mean looking monster with red fur, black eyes and horns the length of my legs. It raised its head, bellowed and spikes rippled through the ground rushing at me with insane speed.

I drew the binding card as a black rock tore out of the ground and flew directly at me. If it hit me it would tear my head right off.

I spun around and threw the card at the rock and the two collided in a blinding flash of light. The spell and the binding card froze in mid air and began to spin and rise higher into the sky. I didn’t wait to see what happened next.

* Binding complete

* Congratulations you have bound: Jagged Prison

The message blocked my vision but I continued to run and then all of a sudden Flint’s giant hand grabbed the back of my shirt and brought me to an abrupt halt.

I looked down and saw a river cutting through a valley far, far below. Pebbles fell off the edge of the cliff and I watched them fall. A wave of vertigo rushed over me.

“Titan, help?”

Flint swept me up in his stoney arms.

“Don't worry baby,” he said in a low rumbling voice. “I'll never let you go.”

The titan pressed me against his chest and jumped.

---

Unfortunately for me the titan didn't float. His massive body was dragged down to the bottom of the river still clutching me in his arms.

I gasped for breath and struggled to break free of his rock hard grip but he was just too strong.

“Let me go,” I yelled but only bubbles came out.

I felt my magical connection to Flint and I willed him to return to his card form. Green light flashed around us both and he disappeared. I kicked as hard as I could and broke through the surface of the river.

I floated down the river for a while, and as I rounded a bend I saw someone under a tree.

It was Ahri. She raised our last apple to her mouth and took a bite.

I hate this world.

---

Acquired Spell Card: Jagged Prison

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