Chapter 12: Chapter: 12 Eating Half a Pig

We crossed the Verdance hills, they were less verdant and more hot and miserable. We climbed the Mount of Klarth, it rained all the way up and hailed on the way down. Finally as the sun began to set and the sky turned orange with streaks of purple, we arrived at Pern, a small log cutting village on the banks of the river Sykes.

We didn't care about the beautiful sunset or the sweet fragrance of flowers in the air. We were cold, wet and hungry and in need of a warm meal and a bed in front of a crackling fire.

It looked like the village had just been attacked or bomb had gone off. Houses were charred black with smoldering rooftops, all the windows were smashed and debris tossed about by the wind filled the lonely streets.

A sign with the words ‘No Magic Allowed’ hung above an abandoned building. Wagons with broken axles creaked in the wind as they butted up against each other in the middle of the road as if they were discarded toys.

“There goes our hopes of a warm meal,” said Ahri.

A villager with a bandage wrapped around his head and a walking stick in his hand came limping down the road towards us.

I waved at the man and he dipped his head in greeting but his eyes never left us. His hand strayed to a long butcher’s knife on his hip.

“Friendly town,” I muttered.

Ahri kicked a burnt chair out of her way and said. “This place looks like it was gang banged by dragons.”

“Are you cardmages?” asked the man.

I shook my head and Ahri shrugged. We introduced ourselves and the man told us his name was Klive.

Klive went on to tell us that every year his village paid a traveling card mage to cast a Ward of Monster Protection over their village. The ward usually lasted a year but this last time the ward shattered after only three months.

Sounds suspiciously familiar.

“Monkeys with wings?” I asked.

Klive’s eyes narrowed and he nodded.

“A man arrived soon after the winged apes attacked. He was a cardmage and defeated them easily. He agreed to recast the protection ward in exchange for all of our villagers’ binding cards.”

Klive picked up the charred remains of the chair Ahri had kicked and tossed it out of the road before carrying on with his story.

“We told the man that each citizen of our village was registered with the Lord of the land and that a squire was sent on each person's birthday to collect their binding card.”

“What did the cardmage do?” I asked.

“He wasn't happy,” said Klive. “He demanded payment. We offered him a few silver coins. We are a poor village you see. He took the money but instead of casting the warding spell, he rained fire down on our village.”

“Now I understand the no cardmages sign,” I said. “We had similar trouble in Alhaven.”

The man cursed under his breath.

I suspected that as our journey continued we would see more and more of this kind of thing. Most people in this world had no access to spell cards, so those that had them were like gods. They took what they wanted and destroyed those that opposed them.

“How will you protect your village from magical beasts without a ward?” I asked.

The man scratched his bandages.

“The elders of the village have been approached by the Council of the Learned. They have commissioned a Steamtech defense system. It’s expensive to set up but the council will accept monthly payments until it is all paid off.”

“More of this Steamtech,” said Ahri. “Much has changed in Umbra since I was last here.”

“Is there a place we can stay for the night?” I asked.

“And somewhere we can buy food,” said Ahri.

The man shook his head.

“Our inn was destroyed. What food we have will need to see us through the coming days as we rebuild Pern. If you must stay the night you may sleep on the outskirts of the village.”

“In the bush?” asked Ahri. “Are you kidding me? Where’s that small village hospitality you peasants like to brag about.”

The man glared at her.

“Let it not be said that the villagers of Pern turned away strangers in need. There is an old hunter’s cabin on the east side that you may use for the night.”

---

After wandering in the dark for over an hour we finally found the hunter’s cabin nestled on the edge of a dark forest.

There was a pile of chopped wood stacked against the outside of the cabin and a tanning rack a distance from the forest.

There was no food but there was a hunting knife and an unstrung bow hanging from the rack. We were hungry and cold but it was too dark for hunting so we built a fire and snuggled up in front of it and soon we were both asleep.

---

I woke up the next morning stiff from sleeping on the floor. I tossed a log onto the smoldering fire and fanned the embers until the log burst into flames.

Ahri of course was spread out on the single bed and had a binding card pinned between her exposed thighs. I looked at her sleeping form and then at the card then back at her. I decided to leave before she woke up and I became the creepy guy watching her sleep.

I should have been happy, this was the closest I had ever slept to a beautiful woman but instead I felt miserable. The thought that I might wake up one morning and find my penis fallen off and lying on the ground terrified the crap out of me.

I left the cabin feeling pissed off and a bit horny. If I couldn't have sex, I would find something that could have sex and kill it and then I’d eat it for breakfast.

---

Since coming to Umbra I’d seen some stunning scenes, from star filled skies to flying carriages carried by moths. However, that morning standing in the cold, breathing out a cloud of steam and looking up at the sky I felt like I had finally found a place where I could spend the rest of my life. Or maybe and more likely I felt that way because the memories of my old life were quickly fading and I no longer felt like I had a home to go back to.

I pushed these thoughts out of my mind as I entered the forest. I’d watched enough movies to know the basics of hunting. Find fresh animal shit, that meant your target was close. Look at which direction the footprints were heading and go downwind from the target and shoot the creature with a well aimed arrow. It seemed simple enough but I knew that I wasn't very good at simple. That was why I had left the hunting bow behind and brought my spellbag instead.

The deeper I moved into the forest the darker and larger the trees became. The smell of pine needles and blooming flowers changed to rich odors of damp moss, wet tree trunks and decaying leaves.

The forest felt wild and alive, like every tree was watching me and everything wanted to kill me. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time and I thought I finally understood why people enjoyed nature. It was unpredictable, not like the boring life I had lived before coming to Umbra.

If I had been back in my dorm room now I knew I would be grinding for gems in Hero Seeker so I could buy packs of cards to build decks I would never play with. Out here who knew what was around the next corner. It could be a naked elf or a bear trying to rip my head off.

Leveling up did more than just increase my speed. I was now faster and I liked to think smarter too. My senses had also been enhanced. I could see further, taste and smell more and I could even hear the sound of a leaf crunching under the paws of a scurrying creature.

Through the hazy morning mist I spied a small deer glowing a faint blue. It had small white antlers that shimmered in the light and I wondered if it was edible. I wasn't sure if you could eat magical beasts. I would have asked Flint about that but the titan was touchy about those kinds of things.

I scanned the animal.

*

Name: Zell

Race: Night Deer

Level: 2

Health: 18

Status: Wary

*

My foot crunched on a dry leaf and the fawn looked up. Our eyes met across the distance and the fawn abruptly burst into a puff of blue steam and evaporated into thin air.

Yeah that probably wasn't edible.

I heard a faint scraping sound coming from a bush nearby. I tilted my head like the pro hunter I was not and listened. I carefully, with shaking hands, reached into my spellbag.

A boar the size of a donkey with red tusks and gleaming eyes burst out of a bush directly in front of me. Its nostrils flared and its massive hooves stamped on the ground in warning.

Every part of me told me to run and get as far away from this beast as possible but I couldn't. Firstly, the thought of returning to Ahri empty handed sickened me and secondly I thought, if I didn’t stand up for myself now I would be running for the rest of my life.

“Screw it,” I yelled as I charged forward.

I drew a spell card, tossed it at the dire boar and screamed like a mad man. The boar had not expected this response from me and it hesitated just long enough for the spell to take effect.

The spell card disintegrated and jagged spikes snaked along the ground kicking up decaying leaves and loose stones. The boar tried to back away but the Jagged Prison lanced out of the ground all around the beas and tore through its flesh.

The boar squealed in fury and smashed its tusks into its prison trying to escape but I drew the Polyblade card to deliver the finishing blow. Polyblade had proven to be less reliable than I had hoped. I expected the spell would give me a fairy tickler or a goblin's nose trimmer.

“Come on, something good,” I said as the boar rammed the prison again, this time it smashed straight through the rocks and charged at me.

“Oh shit,” I yelled as the light of the Polyblade spell faded and the whipping sound of something spinning filled the air. I reached out a hand and caught the weapon.

* Peasants Pitch Fork

-The weapon of choice for pig farmers and witch burnings.

I swiped away the message and braced myself for the impact.

The boar's momentum carried it forward and it slammed into the pointy end of the pitch fork, impaled itself and showered me in its warm blood.

I groaned in disgust as the board twitched and squealed and then uttered its final cry before collapsing at my feet in a heap.

* +240 Exp

* Congratulations

* You have leveled up

I was too stunned to respond. I stared down at the bloodied fork and the twitching boar and felt like I was going to be sick.

Slowly I reached out a hand, swiped away the message and summoned the Twilight Titan.

“Did you miss me?” Flint asked as he appeared beside me.

“Actually,” I said as I pointed at the dire boar. “I need you to carry that.”

---

All the way back to the cabin Flint complained. He told me that he was a guard and a poet and a few other things I don't feel comfortable repeating. He told me repeatedly that he was not a pack mule or a bird trap or a drip tray for meat juices.

We arrived in front of the cabin and Flint dropped the boar.

“Ugh, red doesn't suit me,” he moaned. “It clashes with my fabulous sparkles.”

While we washed the blood off of ourselves Ahri made a fire in the yard. We cleaned the pig and cut it into pieces then we buried it underground wrapped in leaves and through the hot coals on top. It took most of the morning for the meat to cook but when we dug the pig out the meat fell from the bones and the juices dripped everywhere.

It was the most amazing meal I had eaten since arriving in Umbra. Sure it needed salt and some hot sauce and maybe a salad on the side with a few pickles but man it hit the spot.

“We should pack as much as we can carry and send the rest to the villagers,” I said.

Ahri shook her head.

“I’ll carry it all.”

The carcass was larger than her; there was no way she could carry it and I told her that.

Ahri frowned.

“The rock thing can carry it.”

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“The name is Flint,” said the titan.

“These people let us stay here for the night,” I said. “Giving them the meat is the least we can do.”

“Since when are you the knight in shining armor,” she said. “I’m gonna have to eat as much as I can and if there’s any scraps left we can give them to your peasant friends.”

She then sat down and forced one mouthful after another into her mouth, chewed mechanically and swallowed. She repeated this until she had eaten half of the boar by herself.

Seeing her eat like that did things to me that I cannot fully explain. She was a machine packing away food with economic precision. It was an amazing and kinda disturbing sight but finally she dropped her knife and fork and groaned.

“I think I'm about to be sick,” she said.

“Why would you eat so much?” I asked. “We have a five hour march to the next town.”

Ahri waved a hand at me.

“It’s the principle Talasin, you wouldn’t understand.”

“You know what Ahri? I didn’t want to say this but you’re a selfish bitch.”

“Awkward,” said Flint. “The parents are fighting.”

Ahri hiccupped.

“Well you know what?”

She put her hand over her mouth and leaned against the wall to stop her knees from trembling.

“I don’t feel so good.”

She held out her arms like a spoiled child and I held her up and guided her to the bedroom.

“Come let’s put you to bed. We can leave when you’re feeling better.”

She burped and then said, “Talasin.”

“Yes, Ahri.”

Her face had turned a sickly shade of green. She gazed into my eyes and threw up all over my chest.

---

While Ahri slept I took a swim in the river then I packed the cooked meat and gave the rest to the villagers. By the time I had returned, Ahri was up and feeling better. She still complained about me giving away her meat but the nap had mellowed her out a bit.

We left the log cabin when the sun was high in the sky and we continued our journey to the temple of Ramogos. An hour before sunset we reached our next destination, the mining town, Coal Valley.

There was an information board outside the town which I read. Apparently it was an old mining town, not like the name didn't give that away. The town had fallen into disuse when the mine’s shut down and most of the villages had uprooted their families and headed to Alhaven to start up their new lives.

A group of elderly and middle aged villagers were huddled around a storehouse fixing a broken fence. I waved at the villagers and they stopped working and greeted us cheerfully.

“Let me guess,” I said. “You were attacked by flying baboons?”

The oldest villager, a graying woman that walked with a hunch, strolled up to me and jabbed me with a long boney finger.

“How did you know, son?” she asked.

“Just a hunch.”

I didn't take much deduction to realize that we were following in the cardmage’s wake. From the extent of the damage it seemed like he was a day’s journey ahead of us. I had no desire to meet the guy. He seemed like a real dick hole but he was a cardmage and at the very least I was interested in what cards he had.

“Did you pay the card mage?” I asked.

The old woman nodded.

“Of course, the young man saved us. Gave him a binding card for his effort. He cast a new ward of protection over our town and spent the night in our inn.”

“Spent the night with our Luna too,” said a middle aged man.

The old woman waved a dismissive hand at the man.

“The young cardmage saved your daughter. She was just showing her thanks in her own way. No judgment, Karl.”

“Aye,” said the man. “Easy to say when it's not your daughter.”

So the mage was getting paid and getting laid, I could learn from him. Maybe he could take me as his apprentice.

Ahri nudged me with her elbow.

“Are you planning to tell me what’s going on or do I need to kick the information out of you?”

“Newlyweds?” asked the old woman.

I smiled. I liked the old woman.

“I'm guessing that your town is not anti cardmages?” I asked. “We were just in the village of Pern and they have rejected cardmages and turned to steamtech.”

“No,” said the old woman. “It was steamtech that ruined our livelihood. This town provided coal to mills, blacksmiths and goldsmiths. But now we are a dying town with new families leaving each week. It won't be long before the whole town is abandoned.”

“I'm sorry,” I said.

My grandparents were always going on about how rude the kids were these days so I thought I’d turn on the old people charm.

“Change is not always easy,” I said. “The wealth of wisdom that you good people have would be an asset to any town if you chose to move there.”

The woman touched my arm and smiled at me and I couldn't help noticing that she had no teeth in her mouth.

“Not to be insensitive,” I said. “But we have traveled far and my dear wife is tired. Do you have a place where we can sleep tonight?”

“Aye, we got an Inn,” said the man. “Just down the road. Got a grape vine growing over its roof.”

“Tell Malva that Grandma Wilcott sent you,” said the old woman. “So she gives you the room with the cleanest sheets and the least cockroaches.”

I thanked them and we headed off to the inn. When they were out of earshot Ahri pinched me.

“So, what’s the deal with the wards breaking?” she asked

I rubbed my sore arm and said, “Some cardmage is bringing down the villager’s wards and summoning chimeras to attack the village, then swooping in to save the day. He then charges a hero’s fee for the rescue and to erect another ward.”

 

Ahri's eyes lit up and she said, “That's genius. Why didn't you think of that?”

I laughed.

“Well firstly because I'm not an asshole and secondly we don't have a Monster Ward card or a Null Magic card to bring down a Ward.”

---

We reached the Inn. It was easy to find it was the only building in town with a grapevine growing over it. Ahri filled her pockets with green grapes and shoved a handful in her mouth.

“Are you seriously eating again?” I asked.

Ahri forced another grape in her already packed mouth and gave me a deadpan look.

“If we stay in too many Inn’s we won’t have money left for the rest of the journey,” I said. “We need weapons and supplies, not comfy beds and cooked meals.”

“Then we just have to sell more binding cards,” Ahri said around a mouthful of grapes.

I gestured at a man across the road.

“Should we sell it to that skinny farmer that's staring at us whilst sucking on that potato?”

Ahri peered over my shoulder and looked the farmer up and down.

The man took a bite of his potato and waved it at her.

“I'm sure there’s someone in this town that's got enough money to pay,” she finally said.

“It's an abandoned mining town. That’s not even a potato that the guy is eating, it's a sand clog.”

Ahri glared at him and then wrinkled her brows and then she looked up at me with wide eyes and blinked her long lashes.

“I have to stay at an Inn. I'm finally clean. You don't want me getting all dirty again do you?”

“That's not going to work on me,” I said.

She ran a finger along her bottom lip.

“You will thank me in the morning.”

I cleared my throat and adjusted my trousers.

“You know what Ahri an Inn is starting to sound really good right now.”

---

The Innkeeper, Madam Malva was a squat smiling woman dressed all in pink.

“Our honeymoon suit has a couple-only special,” she said. “And because you are friends of Grandma Wilcott’s I will give it to you for half price.”

I took Ahri's hand and held it.

“Well me and my beautiful wife would love to take you up on that offer. Now won’t we, princess?”

Ahri squeezed my hand as hard as she could.

“It's so sweet to see love still in the bloom of youth,” said Malva. “What’s the special occasion?”

I kissed the back of Ahri's hand and clenched my jaw as she squeezed even harder.

“It's a grueling life on the pig farm, isn't it honey?" I said. “Every now and then I like to take the old girl out and treat her to something nice.”

I smiled at Ahri's frowning face.

“It makes you feel like one of the fancy folk, hey my sugar lump?”

Ahri's forehead creased into such a deep frown that it looked like it had been carved on her face.

“You just wait, sugar booger,” she said in a sickly sweet voice that sent shivers down my spine. “I'm going to show you just how much it means to me when we get to our room.”

The Innkeeper giggled and blushed a deep crimson as Ahri took my hand and led me up to the bedroom. I was no mind reader but I could tell that I was going to be sleeping on the floor once again.

---

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