Chapter 32: Chapter: 32 Pixie Girl

What the hell is a fairy ring? 

That was my final thought before strange magic embraced me and the world lurched like a drunk man. The scenery shifted. Instead of me standing under blue skies in a forest of colossal trees I stumbled out of a ring of speckled mushrooms into a world of purple skies and lavender fields.

I looked about and saw squat houses carved into the sides of hills. Golden lights spilled out of the houses round windows and onto freshly cut lawns and multicolored flower beds. 

A river that sparkled like champagne ran through the town and winged people dressed in flowing robes crossed the river on the backs of golden ponies. 

Holy shit. I'm in fairy land.

My spellbag glowed and a second later Flint the Twilight Titan was standing beside me with a confused look on his stony face. 

“Damn, you’re still awake,” he said. 

“What?” I stammered. “Did you just leave your card?”

“No, this is a dream, you are sleeping right now.”

“What the hell, Flint. Since when could you leave your spell card?” 

“Since always.” 

“And you didn’t think I needed to know that?”

“I usually only come out when you’re asleep. You know- to keep guard and stuff.” 

“That's messed up.”

The titan kicked a rock which rolled down the hill towards the town causing the fairy folk to scream in terror.

“Trust me,” he said. “It’s less creepy than it sounds.”

“Are you sure? It sounds pretty damn creepy to me.”

“You know what boss I just remembered I have this thing to get back to, so…”

“Screw that Flint, you’re staying here with me.”

Flint squinted at the tiny people who were in the process of trying to remove the boulder from the center of the village.

“What’s up with the tiny people?” he asked.

“I stepped into a fairy ring.”

“Oh…”

“What?” I asked

“At least I’ll be released from my spell card when you die.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“Fairies have a reputation for being, how do I say it… oh yeah, they’re complete dickbags.” 

“The little people with pointy ears and butterfly wings?” I asked.

Flint nodded and said, “Evil bastards, all of them. That’s why there’s the popular old saying: The only good fairy is a fairy with its wings chopped off and a battle axe in its skull. Not the most poetic saying but it gets the message across.”

---

Flint slouched as we entered a blue roofed triple story tavern that looked like it was carved out of a massive tree. 

A chandelier made of fireflies tied to tiny strings hung from the ceiling and a bartender with two heads and no eyes swiveled his heads in our direction.

“So what’s new?” Flint asked as he pulled a chair away from the table and sat on the floor.

“I got kidnapped by robots,” I said. “Attacked by a demon lord, fought a harbinger and got the crap kicked out of me and almost died. Oh and I got my penis back.” 

Flint turned to a nearby table of fairy girls that were sipping on long colorful drinks. 

“Watch out ladies,” he said. “Boss has got a new penis and he's not afraid to use it.”

I shoved the titan and said, “Thanks Flint, I think those old people in the back didn't quite hear you.”

Flint flashed me a broad grin and winked. “As my mother always said, you can't fly till you get laid.”

“What does that even mean?” I asked.

“You know, I never really figured that one out.”

---

A waitress with tiny black wings on her head and wearing a mini skirt appeared by our table holding a menu. 

“What would you like, masters?” she asked in a tiny nervous voice. 

That height, that gray skin, those red eyes and devil wings on her head. I’d recognize this girl anywhere. 

“What are you smiling at?” asked Flint.

I scanned the barmaid as she leant over and removed a flower vase from the table.

*

Name: Bel 

Race: Hell’s Pixie Girl

Level: 7

Health: 63

Skills: Spell Roulette

Status: Shy

*

“You’re Hell’s Pixie Girl,” I said. “I friggin love that card.”

The waitress blushed and said, “Please don't call me that. I'm just, Bel.” She shifted her weight from one leg to another. 

“Do you want a drink or food?”

“When you’re finished hitting on the waitress,” said Flint. “Maybe ask her how to get out of this place?”

A fairy man sitting at a nearby table leaned back in his chair and shouted, “Demon bitch!”

Bel’s face turned the color of fresh blood. 

“Hey demon bitch,” He shouted again and this time he waved an empty mug at the waitress. “I'm talking to you.”

Bel’s hands gripped her skirt and she bit her trembling lower lip. She began to say something but all that came out was blubbering nonsense. 

I stood up, kicked back my chair and faced the table of drunken fairies and said, “Listen here shit eater. If you call her that again I'm going to shove that mug so far up your ass that you’ll be pissing out of your asshole.”

“Strong visual,” said Flint. “Anatomically incorrect but we can have an intimate biology lesson later.”

The fairy man pushed back their table and said, “What did you say, long pig?”

“Are these guys cannibals?” I asked Flint.

The fairy man continued advancing on us. “Do you know what we do to humans in Sylphwyn?”

“Buy us a round of drinks?” asked Flint.

The fairy snapped his teeth together and said, “We’re going to spit roast you like the pigs you are.”

“I can't tell if you’re hitting on us,” said Flint. “Or just a psychopath.”

“I'm going to baste you in mustard and eat your asshole,” said the fairy.

“Seriously,” said Flint. “I can't be the only one hearing this.”

The scene exploded as three fairies shot across the room in a blink of an eye. I was punched in the face, gut and balls all at once. Before I could react one fairy bit my ear and the other one tugged on a handful of my beard hair.

The waitress was the first to react. She smashed a chair over one fairies head and Flint, still sitting on the ground, pinned one between his fingers like a kung fu master catching a fly with chopsticks. 

I gripped the last fairy by his ponytale and I yanked the guy towards me then headbutted the fucker.

You are reading story GOD OF CARDS [DECK BUILDING] [LITRPG] [COMEDY] at novel35.com

---

Twenty minutes later, I was on my ass outside the tavern with a bloodied nose and a broad grin on my face. 

Flint, sitting beside me with his head between his legs, picked up a stone and popped it into his mouth. He sucked on it for sometime before saying, “Did you see the look on that guy’s face when I pinned him to the wall like a butterfly.”

I laughed at the memory of the squealing fairy as Flint threatened to tear off his wings.

“After today he’ll need to wear adult diapers.”

The tavern door opened and Bel the waitress came walking over. Her eyes were red from crying. She looked at Flint and I then sighed and said, “I lost my job.”

“It was a pretty shitty job in anycase,” said Flint.

She nodded and then sat down next to us.

“It took me a year to get that job. Nobody will ever hire me again.”

“It's just a waitressing job,” I said. “I'm sure there’s plenty of other seedy taverns around here that would love to hire an adorable girl like you.”

She straightened her skirt and said in a low voice, “They won’t hire a half demon.”

“You’re half demon,” I said. “I didn't know that.”

I thought I’d known everything there was to know about hell’s pixie girls but that was news to  me. It did explain the demon wings on her head and the red eyes.

“How is that possible?” asked Flint. “Demons and fairies have been mortal enemies since… well since forever.”

Bel sniffed loudly and wiped her nose on the back of her sleeve.

“I only know what others have told me. They say my father was a demon general. He died on the battle ground during the Fable wars. My mother was the Fairy Queen’s bodyguard. She was the one ordered to kill my father.”

“And I thought my family had issues,” said Flint.

“So your mother killed her lover?” I asked.

Bel shook her head and said, “Those were different times. The Fae were losing the war. They needed stronger warriors to face the demons. Some, including my mother, believed that the combination of demon and fairy would create a super warrior.”

“But how?” I asked.

“Some fairy warriors have the ability to…” she cleared her throat and her face turned a shade of pink. “Um… they can arouse males.”

“A useful skill,” said Flint.

Bel nodded adamantly and said, “Oh it was really useful. The female fairy warriors aroused then mounted the rigid corpses of the male demons they slew on the battleground.” 

“Wow,” said Flint. “And they say romance is dead.”

“Wouldn't that be difficult for the females?” I asked.

Bel shook her head and said, “Nope, blood makes the best lube.”

I swallowed the question I was about to ask.

“Really?” said Flint. “I'm learning so much on this journey of mine. There I was thinking tears made the best lube.”

I looked from one magical beast to the other and said, “And that's why I'm still a virgin, this worlds too fucked up for me.”

Flint laughed and then his face turned serious as she said, “If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking Talasin.” He leaned closer and whispered. “Just a bit of advice: if you dig up a coffin make sure it’s fresh. As my dad used to say there’s nothing more boner destroying than a moldy corpse.”

“Flint, that's definitely not what I was thinking.”

“Are you sure because you had that look?”

Bel’s ears had turned bright red. She looked between us and put her hands over her face and odd strangling noises came from her hands. She burst out laughing and continued to laugh so hard that tears streamed down her face.

---

I returned Flint to his card before he said anything more embarrassing as Bel led me back to her house.

She lived alone far from the other fairies on the very edge of the village. Her house was a small thatch roof cottage with moss and vines growing up the side of the house and blue flowers blooming on the thatched roof. 

A pony stood in the backyard grazing on a hedge of lavender and a small doughy eyed cow stared at me as a pair of chickens pecked at my feet.

“It must be nice living out here,” I said. “So far from anyone else. That must be so peaceful.”

Bel’s shoulders slumped and she said, “Yeah, it's great if you enjoy being alone and shunned by everyone else.”

I decided to stop speaking and Bel left me in the garden as she went inside the cottage. A few minutes later she returned with a bucket of water and a cloth.

“For cleaning your wounds,” she said.

I washed my face and applied a salve made of mixed herbs and bee’s wax to the cuts.

“Aren’t there more hell’s pixies around?” I asked. ‘You can't be the only one.”

Bel handed me a glass of sweet nectar and said, “I'm different from the others that's why I was rejected.” 

“What about your mother?”

She shook her head and said, “She wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Is it those wings on your head?” I asked. “Because I think they’re damn adorable.”

Bel gave me a faint smile. “Whenever I cast a spell,” she said. “I don’t know what spell is going to come out, it's different each time.” 

“That's your spell roulette ability,” I said. “It's part of what makes you special. It's really not a good enough reason to hate you.”

She sat down beside and sipped on a glass of nectar while we watched the chickens pecking at a worm they’d found in the flower bed.

“There was this time that I tried to show off to the fairy prince,” she said. “All the girls had a crush on him. He had the longest wings and his ears were so pointy you could pick your teeth with them.”

I was not the right person to give this girl dating advice. I’d spent almost every night for the last month with a beautiful woman and the furthest I’d gotten was kissing Ahri when she was almost dead. I wasn't sure if using my tongue to push a ball of mud down her throat counted as our first kiss though. 

Shit, where the hell is Ahri?

I realized Bel was waiting for me to say something so I said the first thing that came to mind. “Pointy ears, wow he sounds like a real lady killer. He's an idiot if he didn't like you back.”

Bel sidled up closer to me and nodded enthusiastically. “I was trying to get his attention, you see. All the girls were showing off their magic so I did too. But I accidentally summoned a meteor shower. It killed him and destroyed half of the Crystal Palace in the process.”

I sucked in a deep breath and said, “There’s no coming back from that.”

She played with her hair as she watched the chickens fighting over the worm. They had pulled the thing into many pieces and were now clawing each other to get to it.

It was so surreal to be sitting beside my favorite spell card. The very card that had won me the world cup and the one that had caused me to lose all of my sponsors. 

“Can you do me one favor?” I asked.  

“Sure,” she said.

“It's going to sound silly but I used to have a Hell’s Pixie in my deck, but that was another lifetime ago. She was my favorite card and each time I summoned her she’d say this line.”

Bel nodded and asked, “What was it?”

“She used to say, how may I serve you master.”

Bel looked up at me with large eyes as she nervously played with the hem of her skirt. She opened her trembling mouth and whispered, “How may I serve you master.” She swallowed. “Did I do that right?”

“Yeah, I’m going to hell for that,” I said under my breath.

Footsteps crunched behind us and somebody cleared their throat and said, “Ahem.” 

I spun around and my face dropped as the last person I’d wanted to overhear my conversation stared down at me.

“How long have you been there?” I asked.

Ahri stood glaring at me, her jaw was clenched and her hands balled into fists.

“You’re not going to say anything?” I asked. 

She took a deep breath and said, “Talasin, when we first met, you were lying in the dirt covered in piss.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Ahri’s eyes narrowed as she continued, “I thought to myself that I’d seen the lowest scummiest form of humanity.” She twitched her nose as if she’d smelt something bad. “But you- you have outdone yourself. You have managed to lower the bar so much that even the shit-eating ass worms will now look down on you in disgust.”

---

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