Chapter 36: CH 35

No matter how many times I hoped for it, I was wrong again and again. It was inevitable.

If I continue to cling to something that won’t change, I would be the only one suffering.

That was often the case in this world.

If there were people who were loved even if they did nothing, there were also people who couldn’t even have the slightest bit of what everyone had, no matter how hard they try.

I understand that, but yet…

I wanted to have a family, too.

It would have been nice if I was reborn as Marie and Derick’s child.

Or, like Rieta, as the main character at least.

Would it have been fine if I was the main character who deserves to be loved, rather than the child who was casted away casually?

Ah. I buried my face in my palms.

It’s not easy to give up something even you couldn’t accept.

I kept thinking I could have it if I stretched my hand out, I kept on hoping.

If only I was born as their child.

If only I was the youngest.

If only I had been a child who was lovable enough because I was more petite, more pitiful and more adorable.

It could happen, if there wasn’t any contestant.

Ah, right. Maybe.

Maybe she shouldn’t have existed?

The thoughts that were running wild suddenly halted.

And at that moment, the door burst open.

“Sister!”

Green hair fluttered. It smells of free wind.

It was Rieta.

The lovely and sweet heroine of this world.

The child who I wished didn’t exist a while ago.

Rieta ran to me. Her smiling face was bright without a single dark emotion. I looked at that face with guilt.

“I……”

“Yes?”

Rieta smiled. She looked at me with a clueless face and with eyes full of affection.

“What did I just think…”

Envy, fear, jealousy.

Those sharp emotions that I had been trying to cover up were revealed.

Still, a bright and clear expression. A pretty face that held no resentment or hatred.

She wouldn’t be jealous of me.

She wouldn’t envy me, and she wouldn’t have wished that I didn’t exist.

She was such a good little sister.

Unable to hold back, tears flowed out.

Through my blurry vision, I could see Rieta’s bewildered figure.

“Rieta…”

“What? Who is it? Who made you cry?!”

“Rieta. You’re my little sister.”

“……? Yes, I know. Why?”

“I really like you. I love you, my little sister.”

Rieta was my family. 

Not only Rieta, but also Shuel, Derick, Marie and all the servants here too.

Even though I may not believe that they thought of me as family, they did to me.

“I love you so much…”

I choked. Tears trickled down my face as I forced myself to speak.

“Wh-Why did you grow up so fast?”

“Hey, sister? Sister, what’s wrong?”

“I tried. I really tried. I tried so hard to be fine, I worked really hard, but in the end, I became like this.”

With a bewildered face, Rieta hugged me.

‘Don’t cry, don’t cry anymore’, she said while patting me on the back awkwardly as I shed more tears.

I cried like a child in the arms of my younger sister who was bigger than me.

I’m jealous of Rieta, suspicious of Marie and Derick, and envious of Shuel. No matter how much I love them, no matter how long time passes by.

That’s why. You guys were born perfect, but I couldn’t surpass these feelings no matter how hard I try.

I didn’t like my parents in my previous life nor my parents in this life.

They were pathetic, disgusting and more hateful than anyone else.

But the most unbearable thing was that I was becoming like them.

Even if I hated them so much, as long as we shared blood, I would end up resembling them. Because I was their child after all.

I was fed up with all of that. The unethical things they did were terrible.

So I really, really tried.

Even if no one noticed, even if I couldn’t tell anyone.

To resemble the people I love, I tried really hard.

But at the end of the day, all those efforts were in vain.

“Nothing changed. Wh-Why…Why me…”

“Aigoo, why is my sister crying so much…Who bullied you? Shall I scold them?”

“H-Hic. I really love you so much. My little sister. I love you. Really.”

“Yes, yes. I love you too, sister. Don’t cry. Enough. What do you want, hmm?”

Rieta was sweet. She resembled Derick, Marie and Shuel.

Because they were a family.

I loved such a child so much, but at the same time, I was jealous of the child who had something I did not.

I love you, but I also hate you.

I was conflicted, just because she possessed what I so desperately wanted.

I get why I had no choice but to hate you, but I couldn’t stand it because I was ashamed.

In the midst of really wonderful people, I struggled to pretend that I was somehow like them.

But yet, in the end, I couldn’t.

“Sister didn’t grow at all. You’re smaller than me, but you can still grow bigger. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Rieta hurriedly comforted me. Her embrace was warm.

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She is really strong and kind.

Even if she was aware that I was jealous of her, I knew better.

Regardless, I knew Rieta would continue to look up to me as her older sister, and that she would not regret the kindness she gave during childhood.

If she knew, she would be even more sorry and sympathetic.

It was miserable.

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“Are you sure you won’t tell me why you cried?”

Shortly after I stopped crying, Rieta asked me. I smiled awkwardly at that frustrated face.

“I can’t do much for you, but I can listen. I think I can at least beat up one or two people that made you cry…”

“Rieta.”

“Ah, seriously, who made you cry?!”

Rieta roared at my quiet response.

Rieta lowered her brows sullenly, but even at that pathetic look, I did not release my tightly shut lips.

After a brief staring contest, Rieta finally let out a deep sigh.

“Fine. There must be a reason why sister is refusing to speak about it. But if you ever wish to talk about it, just let me know. Okay?”

Those words full of trust and love seemed to suffocate me.

Rieta believes in me. She likes me enough to take the time to solve my problem.

Just like that, without knowing how I was.

I looked at Rieta with a pale and blank face, and could not help but open my mouth.

“No.”

“Huh?”

“I’m not the kind of person you should trust and follow.”

It felt like a sinner’s confession. I couldn’t help it as the guilt filled my throat.

“I’m a person who lacks more than you think.”

Rieta was still looking at me with a puzzled face. I opened my mouth, holding back the nauseous feeling.

“I’m not that generous.”

“…….”

“I’m narrow-minded and greedy, but I don’t have the confidence to take responsibility for it…”

I wanted you to disappear.

Those words were stuck at the end of my throat and didn’t come out. It was hypocritical of me for not wanting to be hated as I tried to reduce my guilt.

My face turned red. I opened my mouth and choked out a few times.

“Rieta, I……”

“…….”

“I’m so ashamed.”

After vomiting those words out, I was out of breath like a person who was running for a long time. It was the feeling of a sinner who had confessed all their sins.

And then, Rieta’s voice came.

“Um, in fact, sister.”

It was very monotonous.

“That’s because you’re not perfect.”

Thud. As if nothing had happened.

“What?”

Tears welled up in an instant.

Even as I stared dumbfoundedly, Rieta continued with a brazen and nonchalant attitude.

“And it’s not because you’re weird.”

The answer was so frank that I merely stared at Rieta blankly.

“Neither me, Shuel, Mom or Dad is perfect. Everyone is ashamed of themselves at one point.”

“But I think I’m more…”

“There are times when I think I’m too stupid to win once a day.”

Rieta’s nonchalant remark made my heart skip a beat.

She was like this, too?

“You, what happened—”

“By the way, sister. All human beings are like that.”

Rieta cut off my angry words, asking why she didn’t tell me earlier.

“How could anyone live with a smile every day? You cry when you’re sad, scream when you’re angry. And when good things happen sometimes, we laugh.”

Rieta said calmly, as if she never overthinked. It was so nonchalant that I became embarrassed.

“Aren’t you very sad, hurt and struggling right now?”

I nodded my head at those firm words. Then, Rieta grinned.

“And that’s fine.”

The words spread quietly.

Like a drop of water on a calm lake, it ripples.

“Just because you’re sad right now, your world won’t end tomorrow.”

Rieta’s words continued. Quietly, like reading a fairy tale on a sleepless night.

“If you fail once, you can try again. Just because you tripped, doesn’t mean you fell off the cliff.”

Not too loud, not too quiet, just right.

“I’m not saying sister shouldn’t be sad. But I don’t want you to lose hope.”

My unstabled heart trembled as it sank the words that followed.

“You’re an ordinary imperfect person. Just like me, Shuel, and everyone else. A normal person.”

The clear and unshakable voice echoed.

I looked at Rieta with a strange look. I felt strange.

Nothing was resolved. But it just subsided. As if the thing that brought me in so much pain had never happened.

Rieta smiled broadly at my expression.

“But my sister is still the prettiest person in the world!”

Without realising, I laughed at those playful words. I had been crying just now, but Rieta seemed to have casted a spell.

“When did you grow up so much?”

Rieta grinned as I muttered with a smile.

“I was raised by sister.”

Her bright smiling face resembled me.

The thought passed by suddenly, and I stared at Rieta’s face for a moment.

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