Chapter 35: CH 34

The parlour felt empty as they left.

I remained there like an abandoned doll, mulling over the words Marie and Derick left behind.

“Rwen, we’re adults so we’re more mature than you, but that doesn’t mean we don’t get hurt.”

“You are a child of Derick and me. Just like Shuel and Rieta…”

Come to think of it, we’ve been together for a long time.

For the entire time, they were always warm. I didn’t need to do anything to gain their love and affection.

So those words wouldn’t be fake.

“…That’s a good thing.”

I tried raising my voice to utter the words.

That’s right. I was lonely.

I thought it would be nice to have parents and a family.

Marie and Derick were just nicknames, but they’ve always been my guardians.

So I only needed to be grateful that I had become their daughter.

That’s what I’m supposed to do…

I lowered my head blankly.

The woman’s pale was reflected clearly in the tea drink. I couldn’t face it for a very long time and buried my face in my palms.

Ah, I couldn’t believe it.

Those words were incredibly touching. I was also grateful they had said so.

But aside from that, I simply couldn’t believe it.

I knew some people would raise a child wholeheartedly. I knew that better than anyone else as Marie and Derick were already raising Rieta like that.

I was aware of that, but some memories were deeply embedded in my mind that could not be erased.

It was a memory from my previous life, on Earth.

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In my previous life, I entered an orphanage when I was eleven years old.

It was an age where my childhood, which I had no memories of, had already passed. But at that time, I was not sad to be going to an orphanage. 

My parents in my previous life weren’t good people, to say the least.

A domestic violence offender, as commonly described in the media. That was a word to describe them.

After several reports from the friendly neighbours and a tedious process, I was finally able to get away from them.

There were many children like me in the orphanage, and it wasn’t a very peaceful place there. But I was satisfied with it in my own way.

There were fights in the children’s world, but it was much weaker than the adults, and most of them were younger than me.

Adults naturally disregarded me, as they were busy with work, but not being hit or cursed at was good enough.

Above all, I made my first friend there. Unlike me, who was brash and wild, she was a quiet and timid child.

We got close pretty quickly since our age happened to be close, and we were always together.

Then, a year later, when I managed to adjust to the orphanage, I met a person.

“Hi. Are you ████?”

There was always a shortage of workers in the orphanage, and volunteers were always coming in and out. But it was the first time an adult had called me by my name so warmly. It was an adult that resembled my friend, who always spoke to me quietly. 

“Yes?”

“I see. Nice to meet you.”

She smiled at my somewhat stiff response. And held out a hand.

“I really wanted to meet you. Shall we get to know each other?”

It was quite a playful question. As I was young, I accepted that hand in daze.

She told me to call her ‘teacher’ and I nodded my head without saying a word.

That night, lying on my bed, I held my friend’s hand and murmured. 

“Will she come again?”

Volunteers vary depending on the length of service. Some people would help out every few months, while others never came back.

I hoped that she would come again.

When I said that, my friend gripped my hand tightly.

“…I hope they don’t appear.”

“Why? Was she a strange person?”

“Nothing.”

My friend spoke uncharacteristically coldly and laid down. I was puzzled but I didn’t appease my friend.

Contrary to my worries, and my friend’s hope, the teacher visited the orphanage after a while.

After that, again and again. 

During that time, she spent more time with us and slowly changed our world. 

It was the first warmth I received, so I blindly accepted it without knowing what was wrong.

All my attitudes, manners, and beliefs began with the teacher.

How to express emotions without being violent, understand other people’s feelings and how to love yourself. 

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I learned how to love right from my teacher.

All the things that a parent had to teach, along with affection.

Teacher was a good adult, who took the time to teach me without getting angry and cared for me.

After quite some time, I became used to all that.

By then, my friend had opened his heart to the teacher and we became very close, and the number of times she visited the orphanage increased.

The director didn’t like the volunteers to be close to the children, but he didn’t oppose us from staying with the teacher.

From that peaceful scene, I gained a little hope.

I wonder if the teacher would adopt me.

Sometimes excessive imagination obscures the truth.

So I didn’t understand why the teacher shook her head when I asked if I could call her mom.

The teacher’s volunteering at the orphanage ended exactly one year later.

And on the last day of her service, she adopted my friend that was always with me.

That day, my friend cried her eyes out in the teacher’s arms. The teacher was crying, too.

I looked at their figure from a distance.

Why else would my friend, who always disliked the teacher, cry all night saying that she longed for her mother on the days the teacher came and went.

Why else would the teacher be anxious whenever she couldn’t give her friend something, even if she didn’t like it.

It was not until I overheard the director’s words, saying it was good for her daughter to finally open up, that I understood everything.

The faces of my teacher and my friend leaving the orphanage were bright.

Everyone said it was a good thing. That day, I was the only one who wasn’t happy.

My teacher and friend were helpless as they comforted me when I cried. Teacher hugged me and said.

“Hey, ████. Teacher will visit often. I’ll bring Yeon-soo too, okay? Don’t cry. How can teacher go with a smile if you cry like this?”

She was a really sweet person. The voice that comforted me was full of sadness.

So I couldn’t bring myself to say take me with you.

Naturally, the number of times the teacher visited the orphanage decreased.

I got angry and urged her to come more often, but the teacher calmed me down with an embarrassed face and eventually sighed.

An annoyed frown and cold eyes. 

I still remember that look.

The familiar and kind teacher felt like a stranger. Then, the teacher’s phone rang.

The teacher’s face brightened up with excitement as she pulled out her phone.

“Yes, Yeon-soo. Why did you call?”

I stared blankly at the teacher’s face, which shifted in an instant.

I couldn’t remember how I felt back then. But that day, I told the teacher that she didn’t have to visit anymore.

Hearing that, the teacher’s face brightened as when she was on the phone.

She apologised once again for not being able to come often and did not appear for a very long time.

Even after that, I waited for my teacher.

I always stood by the window where I could see the gate of the orphanage, and I checked the mailbox every time to see if a letter would come.

Whenever I received mail sometimes, I would read it until it was worn out.

I thought she would take me with her someday.

That wish, long abandoned now, was an old disgrace to me.

They didn’t do anything wrong. Neither the teacher nor my friend was a bad person.

The teacher simply did her daughter’s friend a favour. It was the same case with my friend.

They both knew they did nothing wrong. I was also aware that their actions were purely out of goodwill.

Still, I resented them for a long time. Tired and terrified of myself, who could only hate them.

I was still narrow-minded and childish, so the memory makes me cry whenever I think about it.

They didn’t do anything wrong, but so did my young self.

I just liked the adult who treated me well and wished to have parents.

That was all.

If no one had done anything wrong, then why did I suffer so much?

It took me a long time to turn a blind eye to that question that lingered endlessly.

I’m already so exhausted.

I expected that they could be my family, the teacher from my previous life and the parents in this life.

However, I was wrong again and again. It was already the third time.

I was already a wreck to risk my life.

In this case, Marie and Derick were more precious than anyone else. I didn’t have the courage to be shunned by them.

No matter how many times I repeated that it will be okay, the anxiety sticks to me persistently like a ghost.

You will be alone for the rest of your life.

You will not be fully loved by anyone.

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