Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Chapter six

 

“I used you and then convinced you it was alright. That’s what you told me Jimmy did. He fucked you and then told you it was for your own good you said.” I mumbled from the midst of her hug.

 

“Yea. I’m not supposed to talk about it though or he’ll tell the police and I’ll end up in jail or something.” She replied quietly.

 

“Wait a minute.” Amelia squawked “Let me get this right, the guy you’re talking about, screwed you, told you it was your fault and then threatened you?”

 

“You make it sound so bad when you say it.” Summer grumbled.

 

“Sit down and explain this to us all properly.” Jessica ordered. “We won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

 

 

It took them a moment or two to haul bales into a rough circle and they all sat down looking at Summer who seemed quite nervous now and clung to me, no longer reassuring me but seeking safety and reassurance for herself. When the other girls had settled themselves, Jessica started again.

 

“Come on, you need to tell us what happened.”

 

“He said he loved me. That’s all.” Summer replied, tensing up.

 

“Not from what you’ve already said.” Amelia said. “Please let us help you with this, we’re all family so we’re not going to let you get in trouble.” Summer sighed and settled her butt beside me on my bale, still holding on to me.

 

“Ok. But he mustn’t know I told or he’ll tell the police.” Summer started. “We were playing out by the pool one day and he started trying to kiss me and stuff then he pinned me down and put his thing in me till he spurted stuff and told me that it was for my own good, he said it was because I was too sexy and that I made him do it, that if he didn’t do it then someone else would. He said it was ok for him to do it because he loved me and I could be his girlfriend if we did that again. I told him I was going to tell that he’d hurt me, that’s when he said that if I told, he’d tell the police I raped him and I’d be sent to a jail for sluts where they would teach me not to be like that by torturing me every time I did something they said was sexy. He promised he’d keep me safe I’d just have to do what he said. I was kinda scared and kinda happy that he knew how to keep me safe from that” She buried her face in my arm, sniffling a little at the memory. The rest of us were quiet for a long time looking at her.

 

“He raped you. He’s the one that would be in trouble.” Amelia said finally “That’s why he didn’t want you to tell anyone.”

 

“No, he said I made his dick uncomfortable when it got hard so it was only fair that I made him feel good. It really was my fault.”

 

“What did he tell you to do?” Skye cut through to a little detail the rest of us didn’t seem to have noticed. Summer looked up at her sharply and shrugged.

 

“Nothing much really, we fucked whenever he wanted to feel good and sometimes he wanted me to wear certain things, once he even made me wear my summer dress to school with no underwear so he and a couple of his mates could have a go a couple of times during the day…”

 

“A couple of his mates?” Jessica squeaked in horror, cutting her off.

 

“Let her finish.” Amelia chided her sister.

 

“Well that’s it really.” Summer mumbled, clearly a little put off by Jessicas reaction. Skye moved across the gap between us and hugged our sister as hard as she could.

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You can come and tell me anything you know. I’ll always protect you.” She mumbled “I didn’t know how you were hurting.” Although Summer was still clinging to me, she put one arm round Skye and hugged her in return.

 

“I didn’t want you to know.”

 

“So what made him dump you in the end? Did you stand up to him?” Amelia asked hopefully.

 

“No, he started chasing after Brandi Soaper cos she flirted with him during class.”

 

“Brandi? She’s in my class,” Skye said. “She’s from one of those up-tight religious families, her dad will give Jimmy a hard time.”

 

“I suppose you all hate me now that you know?” Summer asked quietly, not looking up from where her head was buried in Skyes shoulder.

 

“We don’t hate you.” Skye offered as Jessica shook her head and Amelia said that Summer was family so of course we didn’t hate her.

 

“We all love you.” I offered breaking into the conversation on the heels of Amelias comment. There was a silence for a long moment as I realised that Summer was crying almost silently, the twins were talking to each other without words again and Skye was holding onto Summer like she would never let go. My stomach growled loudly into the quiet and I realised that I was hungry, having been high most of the afternoon and not having had much for lunch I was starving and ready to eat anything.

 

“Any of you got anything to eat?” I asked a bit absently and Amelia laughed while Jessica looked at me with disapproval.

 

“Your sister is telling us about the worst thing in her life and all you can think about is that you’ve got the munchies!” She complained at me.

 

“It’s ok. We probably should go get dinner anyway.” Summer said, raising her head from Skyes shoulder. “Just please, don’t tell anyone about what I told you.” She continued.

 

“You’re afraid of him?” Amelia asked

 

“Not really, I just don’t want mum and dad getting involved, I don’t want to go to a prison and I kinda just want to forget about him.”

 

“Are you sure that’s what you want? You don’t want it to all get sorted out and him be punished for what he did to you?” Jessica asked sternly.

 

“He didn’t really do anything to me, I told you I made him do it and he’s my friend so its only normal to make him happy right?”

 

“If that’s how you want it Summer but if he tells you to do anything again, come get me right away ok?” I growled, still angry at Jimmy. “Promise me, you won’t let him do anything ok? Just come get me.” Summer looked at me curiously, she looked as though she was going to argue about it but then she nodded her head.

 

“Ok.” She murmured and let go of Skye. “Let’s go get food.” She chirruped, returning to her usual cheerful façade even though the rest of us knew it was at least partly fake now.

 

 

It was still drizzling as we all trooped back to the farmhouse, and I still felt a bit morose, Summer didn’t hate me which was a good thing but I wasn’t sure that she got the importance of what we had done or how it was more my fault than hers. Mum was in the kitchen cooking dinner as we all entered, the girls noisily chatting about nothing in particular. Although we all sat together at the table for dinner, there was still an atmosphere hanging heavy in the air particularly between Jamie and Irene. She tried very hard to be nice to him, offering him the garlic bread before she took any, getting new beers for him from the fridge when he emptied the can, not letting him trouble himself for anything. He either ignored her or answered with an insult. While she was getting a beer for him, he moved to deliberately push her plate off the table but dad grabbed his wrist in time and shook his head at him so that Irene didn’t know what happened. Jamie shook dads hand off curtly and scowled at him but didn’t try again. After dinner Mum organised everyone, telling the girls they had to do the next two dinners. I think Amelia and Jessica were stunned by the idea, complaining that they didn’t know how because they had never had to do it, with a sigh mum made them into two teams and told them they had to or everyone would go hungry the next two nights then she took Irene by the arm and led her off to watch tv while we men had to do the dishes, the girls all hurried after them in case they got roped into helping us and we reluctantly started on the dishes.

 

 

Jamie barely said anything but stayed where he was until dad had already started washing the dishes and I had started drying them and putting them away. He reluctantly grabbed a towel and started drying, pushing me out of the way without a word. When we had finished and dad was satisfied that everything was clean we all moved to leave but Jamie held me back with one of his pudgy paws and waited till dad had gone.

 

“Hand the stuff over.” He ordered when he was sure dad couldn’t hear.

 

“Wha?” I wasn’t sure what he meant and I admit I was scared of him.

 

“You stink of it, hand it over.”

 

“I don’t know what you want.” I offered playing dumb though I had a fair idea of what he wanted now, after all I’d been smoking it all afternoon, so I probably did smell of it.

 

“Listen you little shit, the least you can do to make up for your parents is spare me a blunt.” He snarled. “You give me a good one and I’ll see you right ok me old china?” His grin was wide as a Cheshire cat as I reluctantly pulled the pouch from my pocket.

 

“I haven’t got much.” I complained “And dad will have a fit if he finds out I gave you any” Jamie snatched the pouch off me and dug the blunt I’d finished making and dropped in there while I was talking with the girls in the hay loft. It looked small and weedy in his pudgy fingers. I expected he was going to confiscate it and smoke it all himself when I saw the gleam in his eye but he smiled at me saying,

 

“You’re a true gent.” As he was putting my cigarette between his lips and rolling himself a second, fatter one before thrusting the pouch back at me “I know where to come to get some more when I need it don’t I? Feels so much better to share doesn’t it?” He sneered and I guessed that he was making a joke about my parents ideals. He moved towards the door before turning back and grabbing me by the throat.

 

“If I catch you sharing that with my girls though there’ll be trouble, you understand me you little shit?” I managed to croak a yes at him and he let me go, leaving with a slight chuckle to himself. I rubbed my neck and felt relieved he’d gone. I’d thought that maybe he was warming up to me when he’d used the cockney rhyming slang “china” instead of “shit” but his parting shot had me scared again. I slunk up to my room and flicked the TV on to find something good to watch. Skye led the drift into my room, I suspected she wanted to talk about what Summer had told us but as she was quickly followed by Summer and then the twins, she didn’t start that conversation.

 

 

I guess we had been watching something on the screen in my room for about half an hour or so, well I say watching, I think most of us were only half watching it, everyone kept making fun of the characters and the actors or actresses, so we talked through most of it. Jamie bellowed up the stairs that it was bath time and that he would be there in a moment, so they better start running the bath.

 

“You have to run his bath for him?” Asked Skye in surprise as a look of horror and irritation passed over our cousins faces.

 

“Not quite.” I said slowly as Jessica shook her head.

 

“The bath isn’t for him.” Amelia said quietly. I could hear talking downstairs and guessed that Dad and Jamie were having a similar conversation. It took Skye a moment to catch on, the realization suddenly dawning on her face and the way she wrinkled her nose and grimaced in horror was almost comical.

 

“You mean you have to have a bath with him in the bathroom?” She asked in a hushed voice, as though she were hoping it wasn’t true and that saying it aloud might make it come true.

 

“You can’t tell me how to run my own family. Besides, my girls like me being there for their baths, they feel safer knowing their dear ol’ dad is there in case something bad happens.” Jamie bellowed, Skye and Summer both looked at the twins in horror. Jess was shaking her head and mouthing “no” but I noticed her check the door was shut before she did. Amelia slipped off the bed and slipped out of the room to turn on the bath taps before quickly returning.

 

“We have to, or he’ll get mad.” She explained.

 

“You mean he sees you naked in the bath?” Skye was still too shocked by the idea that anyone would be there.

 

“No, we wear a tee-shirt so he can’t see anything. Its been like that since we were little.” Jessica replied sliding off the bed to stand beside her sister in the doorway.

 

“Are you two ready? I’m coming up.” Jamie bellowed again and we all heard the first step creak in agonised protest as he put his weight on it. The twins blanched a little and slipped out the door quickly.

 

 

Summer scooted over and snuggled up on one side of me as the program we had been watching resumed after adverts, her head on my shoulder and her body pressed close to me, more like a girlfriend than a sister. We were all a bit subdued now the twins were gone. I caught Skye watching Summer more than the TV and asked if she was alright, she mumbled that she was and tried to look as though she was interested in the show but now I’d noticed, it was hard not to keep seeing the glances the threw in Summers direction when she thought no one was looking.

 

“You do hate me now don’t you? You keep glaring at me.” Summer Spoke softly from my shoulder, apparently still watching the TV but clearly aware of Skyes glances.

 

“I don’t hate you.” Skye huffed. “I just; just don’t understand.”

 

“What don’t you understand?” Summer sighed, focussing her attention on our sister rather than the TV.

 

“Jimmy forced you to do … things and you don’t seem to mind, you even came to Ken and let him force you.”

 

“Oh Jeezus.” Summer complained “You really don’t get it do you? Jimmy didn’t force me to do anything, if anything I forced him to do it, that was all my fault. What Jimmy taught me though is that guys like it when you do stuff like that, they reeeaaaalllly like it.” She drew the word out and made an expression with her face that I couldn’t see clearly because of where she was leaning on me but I suspected it was more of a smirk than an ordinary smile. “It’s kinda the nicest thing you can do for them, its not all that bad either. I realised that’s why mum blows dad every morning, its because she’s making him happy for the day. When they fuck it’s usually because he’s done something nice, like that time you caught them screwing on the washing machine, he’d brought her favourite flowers in with him when he came in from work remember? Then that time after we went out to dinner as a family? You remember? We all heard them screwing on the couch that night.” She raised an eyebrow at Skye who seemed to be trying the idea out in her head.

 

“Isn’t it supposed to be all romantic and just with people you love though?”

 

“I don’t think so, I think it’s just something that you do to make someone happy, when you get into a relationship or get married like mum and dad then I guess it’s that you are promising to only make that one person happy from then on. It makes them even happier I guess.”

 

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“It’s not meant to be a one-way thing.” I offered. She looked up at me suddenly and Skye stared at me.

 

“What do you mean?” Summer asked.

 

“It’s not about giving one or other pleasure, it’s about pleasing each other, both should enjoy it equally. It’s not supposed to be something you do with just anyone, it’s supposed to be something you do with someone you care about, it’s one of the things that makes us different from animals I think.”

 

“Well yea I guess but I care about you and I want you to be happy so it’s something I can do that will make you happy.” She replied while Skye seemed a little uncomfortable. “Oh come on Skye, you can’t tell me you haven’t even thought about it, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Summer added.

 

“I’m not embarrassed.” Skye hissed in reply, the tops of her cheeks going a little pink. I thought it was cute the way that she was blushing slightly even though it was quite a deep blush for her. “Of course I’ve thought about it but they say things at school.”

 

“What do they say that you don’t already know about from mum and dad?” Summer asked sharply. I found it amusing that my youngest sister was who was supposed to be the one that would be most embarrassed was the one trying to convince her older sister who was usually the sensible and caring one that sex wasn’t serious. I had to hide my smile though because I didn’t want either of them to get upset.

 

“You know, that it hurts, that its wrong, that it’s supposed to be special, that you are supposed to take it very seriously and all that stuff.” Summer snorted.

 

“Well yea it can hurt, it’s not wrong, I guess I’m just weird because I miss it so much, I just kinda feel like I need it. I know I’m weird and not a good person because of it but that’s how I feel sometimes.” Summer had tears running down her face again and I put my arm round her to comfort her.

 

“You’re not weird for that, I think that its normal to miss it and to need it. I think that you’re supposed to experiment and find out what you like before you settle with someone. I mean mum’s never made a secret of the fact that dad wasn’t her first lover.”

 

“Even you said it was “wrong” this morning though. Reminding me that I mustn’t tell anyone as though it’s something dirty and secret.” Summer sniffled.

 

“I still can’t believe you really blew him.” Skye chipped in “It’s not dirty, I’m just not sure that most people would understand, especially if it’s with your brother. Think of all the stuff they tell us at school about how you must tell someone you trust if anyone touches you down there or anything. It’s inappropriate.”

 

“There are also laws about it. They are kinda arbitrary, but I guess they had to draw the line somewhere to try and protect children from people who want to abuse them.”

 

“Inappropriate is just another way of saying wrong, I looked it up. Why is it abuse if I make them do it though?”

 

“That’s part of the problem, Jimmy has put the idea in your head that you forced him do it that you are the one in the wrong. He was lying to you hun, he was the one in the wrong, he was the one that forced you. You always have the choice, you can always say no and the guy should always respect that, when they don’t it’s called rape, they took away your right to choose, your right to protect yourself.” I told her softly. They had lectured us about such things at school but mum had always drilled it into me that it was a mans job to respect a woman. I realised as I was talking to Summer that this was why and that it was part of the reason I was so angry with Jimmy.

 

“Why did you say that you were just as bad as Jimmy then? You didn’t force me to do anything.” She sniffed.

 

“Because I tried to make you think it was ok when I used you for my own pleasure.”

 

“But I offered, I wanted to make you happy and then you made me happy which he never did. That can’t be bad.” I couldn’t really argue with her logic, it was quite clear that she just couldn’t get her head round it. “Besides, if I can’t make my brother happy, how can I be serious about making anyone else happy?” She continued. I had no answer for her and just hugged her, hoping that she would get the message at some point. “I liked what you did last night though. I hope we can do that again.” I didn’t know how to answer her. I didn’t want her to be put off sex and I didn’t want her to go looking for anyone that would abuse her like Jimmy had.

 

 

I just hugged her tighter and looked at Skye who was looking more flushed and shifting her legs a little. I was surprised she was that embarrassed, but I had to admit to myself that we hadn’t really talked about sex between us before. We watched more of the show for a while as Skye fidgeted but she insisted she was ok so I figured we’d just made her uncomfortable.

Then the twins returned, already in their pyjamas. Amelia threw herself on my bed beside Skye and Jess stood leaning against the wall for a bit as they complained about their dad and not having a signal on their phones so they couldn’t tell what was going on in the world. I noticed that Skye was having trouble not fidgeting while they were there and Amelia complained that she was being too wiggly. Skye seemed to suddenly have enough and dashed out of the room saying she was tired and was going to bed. None of us noticed the news come on but when it finished Amelia hushed everyone for the weather forecast. The twins seemed happy that rain was forecast for the next day again, they reminded me that dad had said he would get mum to take us all to the nearest town if it rained again so they were happy they might get to go into town and do some shopping if the town was big enough or at the least they would be able to catch up on their social media from their phones.

 

“Wish I had a phone.” Summer complained.

 

“There’s not much you can do with them when there’s no signal.” Jess grumped back

 

“Except play games.” Amelia chimed in, piquing Summers interest.

 

“What kinda games?” She asked, sitting up to look round me.

 

“I’ve got a few different games on there and I’ve got some anime I downloaded.”

 

“Anime? Isn’t that like cartoons?” Summer asked, showing interest and ignorance at the same time. The twins both laughed at her.

 

“No, what she’s got on there is nothing like cartoons.” Jess commented, getting a glare from her sister.

 

“Not cartoons no.” Amelia bit her lip for a moment as she seemed to be considering what to say next. “You wanna go watch some?” She asked, a bright twinkle in her eye. Summer agreed and the two disappeared out the room. I looked quizzically at Jess who stood there after they had squeezed past her.

 

“Be el.” She told me and it took me a moment to realise she was answering a question I hadn’t asked.

 

“I didn’t know you could do that with other people.” I told her.

 

“What watch bl? Course you can.”

 

“No, understand what they are thinking and answer questions they haven’t asked.”

 

“Oh, that, it’s just about knowing people. You’re easy to understand anyway.”

 

“If you say so.” I agreed absently, picking up my psp and flicking the power button.

 

“Anything you wanna watch?” I asked tossing the tv remote towards her. I was feeling tired but didn’t really want to admit it, especially to her even though her superior attitude was annoying me somewhat. She stood there looking at it, I couldn’t help but get the feeling she wanted to say something but unlike her I couldn’t divine it based on nothing.

 

“You can sit on the bed again, I don’t bite you know.” I yawned at her, trying to be more interested in my game than aware of her looming there. She continued to lean against the wall, her arms crossed in front of her and one leg supporting her weight. It was hard to ignore her even though she didn’t say anything, after a few minutes it started feeling oppressive.

 

“What is it Jessica?” I asked with a little more snap than I intended. She looked at me a little nervously and then replied.

 

“It doesn’t matter.” She turned to leave and I lurched across the bed to grab her.

 

“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you, I just don’t know what you’re thinking and it’s a bit intimidating with you standing there judging me.” I hurriedly gabbled. She turned back and looked at me for a moment.

 

“I wasn’t judging you.” She replied quietly.

 

“You wanted to say something though.”

 

“I wondered why you are so weird, talking about sex and drugs all the time yet you can also be so nice, like with ‘Lia over the whole cutting thing.”

 

“Well mum and dad don’t exactly hide the sex stuff and they say its good to talk about it and be open. The weed…” I shrugged “…Dad gave them to me to help me relax when I’ve gotten too stressed over the holiday.”

 

“Why would you be more stressed than the rest of us?”

 

“I’m supposed to be the responsible one and keep all of you girls out of the way while they try and help your mum and dad… Look, sit down, you’ll be more comfortable.” I let go of her arm and moved back across the bed, patting the side near the door to encourage her to sit there.

 

“If daddy catches me, he’ll get mad.” She said quietly. “One of ‘Lia’s friends came to our house once, a boy, daddy caught them talking at the door and broke his arm, told him not to hang around us anymore. I’m a bit scared you’re going to get into trouble like that with daddy.” I made a snorting noise that was half amusement and half disgust at Jamie.

 

“He pinched a couple off me earlier so I’m not scared of him.” I said airily though I knew I had been

 

“He really took a couple of cigarettes off you? He always says he hates smokers.”

 

“Rolled himself a fat one from my pouch so there’s not a huge amount left now, maybe enough for us all to have a couple of tokes like we did yesterday but I recon that would be it.”

 

“Maybe that’s why he was in a good mood this evening? I thought he’d be mad after your mum made him help out.”

 

“I won’t let him hurt you or any of the other girls though.” Jessica smiled a little timidly.

 

“He’s never hurt ‘Lia or me, he usually only hurts mum, you should be more worried about yourself, especially if he thinks that you’re letting us have any of your drugs. Or if he hears you three talking about sex.”

 

“He doesn’t like sex either?”

 

“He doesn’t like us showing any interest in it. He says we’re not allowed to date anyone until we are 21 at the earliest and if he catches any boys around us before that, he will kill them, he says he doesn’t want us to be like mum and, you know, have babies with the first boy we meet. He told us that he won’t let us ruin their lives like mum tried to ruin his.”

 

“Your dad really is a piece of work isn’t he?” I asked more rhetorically than anything but she glanced nervously at the door to make sure he wasn’t there before she replied

 

“He’s something. Just be careful ok? I think that you’re a nice person really, I just kinda don’t want him to hurt you and make things weird for the rest of the holiday. We are at least getting some kind of break from all the fighting even if we are stuck in the middle of nowhere.”

 

“You still pissed about your phone not working here?” I asked, a bit amused that it still rankled her when we still had the majority of our holiday remaining.

 

“Well yesterday wasn’t that bad apart from getting burned but today was just shit.” She admitted grudgingly.

 

“There will be other good days, just can’t control the weather you know?” I yawned. “If the day after tomorrow’s nice we can go up to the pool again if you like.”

 

“I dunno, daddy asked a couple of times how I burned my ankle and it’s still uncomfortable. Maybe some time you could play something for us though.”

 

“Huh?” I was sleepy and it took me a moment to catch up with the sudden change in the conversation.

 

“On your guitar. I heard you playing this morning.”

 

“Yea, you like the guitar?”

 

“Well I think its pretty cool when people have skills, not like I can do anything like that.”

 

“Sure you can,” I had a rush of enthusiasm and picked up my guitar to show her how easy it was. It wasn’t long before Jamie thrust my door open and scowled at us both sitting on the edge of the bed, Jessica between my legs as I sat behind her trying to teach her how to play a simple chord, holding her fingers in the right place with one hand and using the other to guide her hand in strumming the strings. He glared at Jessica and hiked a thumb over his shoulder.

 

“Hop it.” He ordered her and moved aside as she scrambled out of the room. “You, you lil shit, keep your dirty fucking hands off my girls you hear me? I don’t want them catching any of that touchy feely shit your parents spout, off you. I also don’t wanna hear anymore of your racket, I’m trying to watch stuff.” He turned and waddled away to his room across the hall and I wondered what he had overheard. I thought about playing some more just to spite him but when I glanced at the time on my psp, I saw it was already gone eleven and my tiredness came rushing back so I decided to turn in.

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