How to survive the worst novel ever written

Chapter 69: Chapter 69 – Things got heated but not the way you imagine


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Since Albert was not one to enjoy intruding into the lives of unfamiliar people, it was unheard of for him to take the initiative to signal anyone to hurry forward into the building, intending to become just another onlooker. of events that were already beginning to unfold.

So naturally there was no need to repeat his invitation. Oscar had already become curious and, indicating Sayer to follow if he also wanted to find out what was happening, he hurried to walk towards that door where Albert was waiting for them.

And what to say about it? Oscar was not a short person, he was of average height, rather. But, despite everything, from the entrance where they were, it was impossible for him to see the altar due to the number of parishioners who were there. Benches were packed, with no place to sit even in the front rows. Except for the main corridor, through which the bride and groom walked until they reached the priest, any other nook and cranny was reserved. And it is that Madeleine was not exaggerating when she said that they had invited two hundred people!

It could be the banquet was attended only by people of position, friends and relatives of the Seymours and the Cornells. But, for mass, almost all of Snodland had been invited. And it wasn't, as the postman had said, because they were united by decades of being together, but to show off: Rarely did such a notorious wedding take place in the villa.

Now, from where they were, and even without being able to open a gap between the people who remained in front, blocking some of their vision, it is not that it was necessary to see to understand what was happening before the altar. Since there was an echo in the chapel, what those who were there said could resonate and project throughout the entire construction. So even those in the background could pick up the gossip without straining their ears.

Apparently, the riots began as in any cliché Hollywood movie where plots of cheap comedy, forbidden romance and forced marriage come together. Namely; just after Father Gilmore said his famous line in case anyone had any objections to the union that was about to be formed.

And it is that, when Oscar managed to position himself next to Albert, traces of a discussion in full ceremony reached his ears.

"How could you let me down?!" a woman bawled in what had every indication of having a fit of rage. “After all those nights of passion we spent together, the promises that we would start a new life just the two of us, the gifts and the escapades when your parents thought you were working…! Doesn't all that mean anything to you?!”

The villain, who was the tallest of the three who in that corner of the church were striving to see what was happening in front, was the only one who, with some effort to find an angle from which he could more or less see, caught a glimpse of the scene. And, after hearing her shout this, he informed Oscar:

"She´s the same woman who left the stagecoach a moment ago.”

What the hell was wrong with her to break in like that? Or well, maybe that wasn't the right question, but Oscar had definitely just gotten all his interest back in that wedding. And Albert must have noticed it in his eyes because, after saying this, he added that if something else happened—that required sight to appreciate it in all its splendor—he would continue reporting. This way, neither Oscar nor Sayer would have to keep looking for a hole to sneak through or stand on tiptoe to try and peer through the rows of heads.

“Ms. Hendricks, calm down,” Patrick was heard saying. “You don't need to be like this. As soon as the ceremony is over, if it comes to you, you and I can discuss whatever you like. But now I'm afraid it's not the time.”

"Ah, so now it's not the time! Such an unpresentable…! What happened to "my beloved Lizzie" and your honeyed tone with which you always referred to me when we were intimate?”

“I-I don't know what you´re talking about, but I really think we should leave that for later.”

Perhaps the protagonist did not know or, rather, pretended not to know. But Oscar understood everything in that instant.

And by understand, he didn't mean that Patrick had been cheating on Madeleine since long before the wedding was prepared, that could already be expected, given the personality of her boyfriend. What Oscar noticed was a name: Lizzie, or Elizabeth Hendricks. He did not know this lady personally, but he had read her name somewhere.

No, not only he had read it. But he had also written it, on several occasions as well! Hence he remembered it without much effort.

"Albert, I may be wrong, but…" he began to say softly, very close to the villain, so that only he could hear. “I think I murdered Madeleine's wedding long before it was planned, and without realizing it!”

“How is it possible?”

"Remember I gave Madeleine a fake address so she wouldn't bother you while you were away after New Year's? Well, it seems that the one she went to annoy turned out to be one of Patrick's hookups.”

It was not necessary to explain more; Albert put the pieces together instantly. Not that the woman took pleasure in posing as him in her missives to Madeleine. No, what happened was that the aforementioned was a jilted lover because Patrick didn't pay her the attention he promised. And, perhaps knowing that the protagonist was -or was trying to get back- with Madeleine, she wanted to take advantage of that opportunity that Oscar gave her without making sure to study the competition and perhaps, incidentally, obtain evidence that Madeleine was trying to seduce another man. .

“What a mess.”

"In my defense," Oscar said apologetically, "I'll say I had no idea that woman had an affair with him. If I had known, I wouldn't have used that address!”

And he wasn't lying. But it is that, in the original work, Patrick was known for having had so many relationships that the author had been unable to name them all. In fact, barely a couple of ex-girlfriends were mentioned in the entire novel.

"Patrick, what's going on?" Madeleine was heard to ask. “Who is this old lady and why does she talk as if she knows you?”

"Old lady?! Who do you think you are, you stupid whore?!” This Lizzie, who must already have experience in this type of confrontation, yelled back. “Just so you know, Patrick has known me for over seven years! That is, long before he met you! And not only that, the two of us have been dating since April of last year!”

“It's not true, he was always single until he met me!” Madeleine protested, between angry and hurt by the insult. “He may have flirted with someone while he was courting me, but that's it, he never went any further. Men are that unreliable, not that it meant anything. After all, in the end it's who you walk down the aisle that counts!”

"Ladies, let there be peace. This is a mistake” the male protagonist got in again, still trying to calm things down, although you could tell by his voice that he was also tensing. “In fact, and as Madeleine rightly says, men have the instincts we have. This, unfortunately, is something that cannot be remedied. I made my choice to ask her in marriage and…”

"You also asked me to marry you, don't come at me with those!"

“T-That was a long time ago. It is not possible that you still take that commitment for valid, after spending so many months apart.”

“How can I not consider it valid if you haven't told me otherwise? Why no, you haven't shown up in my flat in London since February, but the letters telling me how blessed you feel and how much you can't wait to see me again haven't stopped!”

"You know I've been busy, it's not that I didn't want to see you. After all, you are a good friend to me.”

"What friend?!"

With the spectators of that soap opera already whispering among themselves, not daring to take part in this disastrous act, Madeleine said to Lizzie:

"You should go away and stop making a fool of yourself in front of everyone. It is obvious that Patrick only loves me, that he has rejected you. And, honestly, with those manners, it doesn't surprise me either. Go back to London or wherever you're from, I don't care, and don't go bothering happy couples just because you're resentful of their love life.”

"Resented me? That´s what was missing! If there is someone who is not satisfied with who she gets in her bedroom, it is you!” Then, turning to Patrick, she snapped. “Don't you know that this slut has been corresponding with another man? I can even give you his name!”

"It can't be, Madeleine has always been faithful to me!"

“There is no one who believes that! Look, if even by a fluke of life I managed to get hold of some of the compromising letters that she sent to that Mr. Northrop.”

Hearing that name pronounced, there were several guests who, being located near him, briefly turned to look at the villain with curiosity. Albert didn't move an inch from where he was, there wasn't even a change in his expression, although Oscar could perfectly well guess that he was having the embarrassment of his life. And that, surely, the only reason why he did not leave the church at that moment was because, if he did, he would have given the inhabitants of Snodland even more to talk about. Thus confirming, in a way, that there was more than meets the eye to the drama they were watching.

But well, Albert had nothing to worry about: attention was only focused on him for barely ten seconds. After they passed, the eyes returned to focus on the tremendous chicken coop that had been organized in front of the altar.

And it is that Lizzie must have taken out a handful of letters to show them to the protagonist, but, after this, the only thing that Oscar heard was a resounding blow. And, also, the noise made by a pile of envelopes falling to the ground. Albert didn't need to describe what was happening, it was evident that Madeleine had hit the stranger on her arm, in such a way that she released all those missives.

"So all those letters went to you! And you still has the nerve to try to use them against me… Just so you know, I wrote those letters before my engagement! And they were never answered, because the address was wrong! Which you yourself have just demonstrated, alleging that you received them.”

"Then you admit that you wrote them and that you were trying to get another man into bed while Patrick was still behind you! I was not wrong, then, in saying that she was a common prostitute.”

That must have been the straw that broke the camel's back, because there was a slap, followed by a sound as if someone had thrown a bucket of water and then… Then everything was chaos! More people began to speak up as the two women began to shout insults at each other, and there must have been several people rushing up the aisle, intent on separating them.

"Ms. Cornell punched the other woman in the face," Albert informed the other two, not moving an inch from where he stood. “And she has thrown the contents of a nearby vase on her dress. Then they started punching each other and… they continue to do so. Father Gilmore and those closest to the altar are trying to separate them.”

In short, from the bawling you could deduce that a fight was taking place. But without Albert's gamecaster-style commentary, it was hard to imagine who was hitting whom with a right hand.

"What a pitiful sight," Sayer had said.

"And Patrick?" Oscar asked. “What is he doing?”

"He grabbed his fiancée around the waist to try and stop her from trying to hit the other lady, but it looks like Ms. Cornell accidentally kicked him, and now he's sitting alone on one of the altar pews, while the rest of the guests are still trying to separate the women.”

"It would make me laugh if it weren't for the fact that they're beating up the wrong person," Oscar pointed out with a half smile, and then suggested. “Shall we go out again? I'm not a believer, but even I find it uncomfortable to see a wrestling tournament in the middle of a liturgy.”

Oscar was not the only one who felt this way and, therefore, both Albert and Sayer had no objection to leaving the parish and going to wait for things to cool down in there from the same seat they had used minutes before.

But, what was this fuss about? No, more importantly, why was all the ruckus caused and directed by the two women? It was absurd! Oscar knew it and that was why, despite the stupidity of the situation, he didn't have the heart to laugh. In all the conflict the main culprit was Patrick; he was the only one who had been playing with the feelings of those two girls.

That for one part. On the other hand, and as annoying as Madeleine would have been trying to send letters to Albert with implied romantic intentions, wasn't she free to correspond with whoever she wanted? Even though she and Patrick were seeing each other at the time, no one should have the right to tell her not to communicate with anyone who came to her! No one, except for the recipient of those letters.

And Lizzie Hendricks, what was wrong with her? Since she had uncovered a deception of such magnitude, wouldn't it have been more practical for her to join Madeleine in confronting Patrick about her deception? Not only could she have resolved things and freed the protagonist from a greater evil such as marrying a guy like that, but she wouldn't have looked crazy in front of the whole town!

But no, in this novel things did not seem to work that way. Some women here would rather fight over a man who wasn't even worth it than sit down and consider everything that had happened or who was really to blame.

"I guess," Sayer began, once outside, "this will make the wedding be cancelled."

It would be disappointing if it wasn't for the humiliation Madeleine had been subjected to. But, taking into account that according to the original manuscript all the problems, both of protagonists and secondary, should be solved with the first getting married, Oscar was not so sure that it would be favorable that the commitment was canceled at that point.

Be that as it may, knowing this only prevented him from contributing a few words with which he agreed with the postman. Nothing more. Well, having decided that he would move to the city, he no longer cared whether Madeleine married or not. Still, he told himself, her halo couldn't affect him if he went that far and didn't keep in touch with her.

Oscar was determined to live happily with Albert, no matter what the plot held.

This is why, from one moment to the next, his greatest aspiration for that day was that they at least not cancel the banquet: The only time he had attended one of those dinners for the rich had been on New Year's Eve and, without a doubt, It was not enough! Even though he had stayed for lunch at Thornfield several times, after that day the food hadn't been as plentiful or choice as it had always been when there was an event attended by a few dozen guests.

Oscar, by himself, would not have had an opportunity to be invited to the banquet. Like Sayer and his aunt and uncle, he should only have been allowed to attend church and the pre-dinner as a servant they still considered him. But, since the bride had extended Albert's invitation to him, and as much as she displeased some, she now had the right to appear at the meal.

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Moving away from the entrances of the church, Oscar waited with the other two for the people to calm down and begin to leave the premises, waiting for a resolution that would soon be made known.

The bells did not ring again for that day and the word soon spread that the bride and groom had not been able to say yes. The villagers who had come here, more out of curiosity than out of true attachment to the family, began to disperse, disappointed, through the streets of Snodland. They would return to their respective homes with a new anecdote to tell, yes. The closest friends and relatives were also leaving the church, but they stayed around the square, waiting for news of how this conflict would be resolved.

The poisoned Miss Hendricks had also left the parish. She was still angry, with several tears in her dress and a few bruises that were already beginning to form on her face and arms, she walked quickly through the streets, until she found the stagecoach that had brought her. Immediately, after having climbed on it and given the order, the vehicle started in full view of the villagers and, seconds later, it disappeared around a corner.

Not long after that woman vanished, to the relief of those present, old Mr. Seymour appeared to say that while the ceremony would be cancelled, the banquet would go on. Not only to avoid wasting food, but also because they wanted to compensate some of the guests for making such a trip to Snodland for nothing.

Either way, Oscar agreed. And he was already going to propose to Albert and Sayer—because, despite the fact that Sayer was not invited to the lunch, with which he had armed himself, he doubted that Lilac Hall would be very attentive to the guest list—that they leave for the mansion of the Seymours. After all, they had no carriage. And even though it wasn't a long drive, it would still take them a good ten or fifteen minutes to reach the property on foot.

He was going to suggest it, but just before he did, he felt someone take his arm, urging him to turn around.

"I thought you were with Madeleine," Oscar pointed out, confused, coming face to face with Dianne.

“I was, but it's not as simple as it sounds. Everything has gone wrong again! And… I need you to help me with something.”

"Help you? What do I gain with it?

“Madeleine has locked herself in the sacristy and she doesn't want to come out. I've tried to talk to her from her door… Well, not just me, but also her mother, her sisters, and even the Tanners' daughters! But there is no way, that's why I need you to try.”

“How bothersome to talk to Madeleine, it's like debating with a wall! On top of that I won't get anything in return... And no, don't tell me that "this is the last time I turn to you" or "if you do this, I won't mess with you or yours again". It's too old a ditty and it also bores me with how false it sounds.”

“Well, ask what you want and I'll see to it! Please, if you just have to get Madeleine to open the door. I'll take care of the rest.”

Oscar said nothing, just looked down the path they were to follow to Lilac Hall, wondering why he hadn't gone that way even before Mr. Seymour had given notice.

"Is she bothering you?" Albert asked from behind, referring to the author.

The question was casual, though it must have sounded like a threat to Dianne. Realizing that the villain had his eyes on the hand that was still holding Oscar, the writer hurriedly disengaged him from her grasp as she said:

"No, no, I didn't mean to! I-I just wanted to see if he could help out a friend, that's all. If he doesn't feel like it, you don't have to.”

Dianne seemed terrified of Albert, though she was doing her best to hide it. So much so that, after those three words from the villain, she was ready to leave the way she had come, saving her usual insistence.

"Wait," Oscar said, suddenly good-humored at how easy it was to get rid of Dianne when Albert was around. “If I am so essential for this task, I will have to go.”

It was probable that Oscar would not have agreed to such a thing, no matter how much they insisted, if he knew that the protagonist was nearby and still with the fly behind his ear, because they could "steal" his fiancée while he was away. clueless And it is that, although he no longer feared that something fatal could happen to him, he did not want to get involved in brawls. But Patrick wasn't for the vibe. Oscar had seen him not five minutes ago, leaving with his friends towards Lilac Hall with the excuse that "they needed him more there, to make sure that lunch was served without major incidents".

“Are you sure? You don't need to interfere,” Albert reminded him.

“I know, I know. I was just thinking; Why don't I take advantage of the fact that I'm here to do something good for this plot?”

Besides, there are too many witnesses for anyone to dare do anything to me, he thought to add. But there was no need. Since the chapter of his alleged death passed, no one had tried to physically attack his person. And, although some of them had loosened their tongues too much when rumors about his sexual preferences were unleashed, neither had accidents happened to him that could cost him a joint. So, in that sense, he was also quite calm.

“Would you do this for me?” The author seemed excited, as if except for Oscar, all the other characters had been ignoring her for years.

"No, don't fuck around. It would be for the plot, in any case! Although… Wait a minute, what am I supposed to do and for what purpose?”

“Look, I'm just trying to get Madeleine to get out of where she is and agree to marry. Nothing more! If you see that when talking to you she does not agree, that she does not even want to talk about it, nothing happens. You just cajole her into opening her door and then I'll do the talking.”

“Do you want her to marry? Even after the little number in the church?”

“It's fate, we can't go against it. It may be that in your case nothing bad happened” lowering her voice, so that only Oscar could hear her, he continued “but that's because you're just a secondary! The lives of the protagonists are much more important, since they are the ones who carry the weight of the plot on their backs. Who knows the catastrophe we could cause if we don't unite them in marriage!”

“Confess, Dianne, you don't care if your protagonists are unhappy or if the world collapses. You want to marry them because you are in need of fanservice.”

“I am telling you no!” She protested, perhaps too loudly. “Are you going to help me or what?”

Oscar sighed heavily and, after thinking about it for a couple of minutes that seemed like forever, he turned to Albert to ask with a smile:

"Could you go ahead to Lilac Hall? I'll catch up with you right away, as soon as I finish doing my altruistic act of the year.”

"Wouldn't you prefer me to wait here for you? If it won't be long, I mean.”

“With Madeleine you never know, that's why I said it's better you go. Besides, if you go early you will have more opportunities to steal the appetizers.”

"Do you want Mr. Northrop to go ahead and steal food?" Sayer, who hadn't stopped listening to them, was scandalized, although it was likely that if they were talking about any other individual he would have laughed and even encouraged Oscar to convince him.

"How can it be stealing if it's a public banquet to which we're invited?"

"I'll try to reserve something for you, if I see you're taking too long," Albert agreed, however.

If Oscar said that he could handle this and, on top of that, he was willing, he had no reason to doubt his ability. With this, giving him a vote of confidence, both parties said their goodbyes for the time being. Albert left, accompanied by the postman, and Oscar was left with a Dianne who couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"So it was you…" she murmured thoughtfully.

“What are you talking about?”

"I mean, you're the one inciting this guy to commit a crime, making sure he could get in trouble for messing with someone he shouldn't,” she quickly added. “Ah, but I didn't mean it badly, it's just that I thought that now everything makes sense.”

"Let's establish the rules before we show up at the chapel," Oscar interjected, wanting nothing to do with Dianne's opinion of the villain. “I have no intention of spending the afternoon in a discussion of morality and sanity that Madeleine might not appreciate. I'll talk to her for five minutes. If I can get her out of the sacristy in that time, great. If this is not the case, and feeling very sorry, I'm leaving.”

"And what you said a moment ago that you 'may have been late' to the Seymours' banquet just to help Madeleine? Have you changed your mind yet, now that there's no one but me here?”

"Oh no, I didn't change my mind because that was always a lie from start to finish: I just said it to look good, since, as you have rightly mentioned, we had an audience," he pointed out, smiling mischievously. “The thing that I would do anything with my altruistic spirit was also bullshit, by the way. Of course I'm going to charge you for making me lose minutes of life in plots that are completely foreign to me!”

"I told you I'd leave you alone after this... And in my case it's not a lie, haven't I given you complete freedom for months? I haven't even criticized you or prevented you from being with Albert.”

That, although it was not a complete lie, it was a truth that had to be taken with tweezers.

Dianne hadn't asked Oscar for anything since that time at the theater. Although this could be due, more than to the alleged generosity that the author claimed to display, to a question of lack of possibilities. When would she have a chance to ask him for anything? If after the show he left with the villain for Oxford... And even when he returned, discounting that he no longer needed the guy at all —because her protagonists were still engaged and on good terms—, who would dare to bother him to ask him for anything? being in the eternal company of Albert? She couldn't!

Once again, and while Dianne wasn't shy about making a sharp comment when they were alone, she also didn't urge Oscar to back away from the villain. She didn't do it when they weren't dating yet, much less now, because of the account she had for him.

For all this is that Oscar said:

"It's not enough." Not letting Dianne have a chance to protest, he explained. “After all the inconvenience you've caused me, I'm afraid if you want me to do something for you I'll have to raise my rates. Leave me alone and not ask me for anything again for the rest of my life? No, that goes without saying. I have no intention of going back to Snodland, much less checking on your protagonists every few months to make sure they're still breathing. No, as soon as I get out of this town, I don't want to hear from you ever again, except… Except to collect my due.”

“What else do you want?”

Dianne was trying to stay calm, keeping her usual tone of voice as good as she could, but one could tell she was getting nervous. She didn't know if she was out of sheer anger or, one might even say, even out of fear. Not even the villain of that story had dared to threaten her so blatantly!

“Two things. First of all, that you stop the malicious rumors that have been going around for weeks about me and Albert.”

“Two things, she says… Weren't you only going to ask me for one? You're already getting greedy, after your luck reversed just a bit, now that you associate with people of great purchasing power! And about the rumours… How is that supposed to stop? I mean, I already tried when I saw that there was no need! I told the people I talked to that I was wrong! But it was useless, because the gossip had already spread.”

“You´ll know how to do it… But you have to. I'm not asking you for two favors; I'm asking you for just one, the one that corresponds to me for getting Madeleine out of the sacristy. The other thing, stopping the gossip, is something you owed me from before. Isn't it logical that if you undo something, you are the one who has the responsibility to repair it?”

"Well," Dianne began slowly, "I can try again. Maybe…”

“Don't tell me how, I'm not interested. If I do happen to come back to Snodland one day, it'll be to visit my uncles or, at any rate, the Northrops (if old Northrop changes his mind about throwing me to the lions for running with your son). And, in that case, I just want to see the results of your actions, being able to walk down the street in peace again.”

"You had better make the next thing you ask of me something easier to do."

“To be frank, I don't know. I have not thought of it yet…”

“Whatever it is fine!” Dianne exasperated; she, perhaps, had sensed that the other was quite capable of standing there before the church, pondering over what large price he would make the author pay, instead of finally coming to the rescue of the protagonist. “Do you need time to think about it? Well take it! You'll let me know when you know what you want, I'll fulfill it, no matter how unrational or complicated it may be! But could you please join me at once to talk to Madeleine?”

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