Chapter 52: Chapter 47 – Drunken ramblings

Janet’s disappointed looks are starting to poke me in the face as I sit across her in the dressing room after the tea party. 

“So you disappeared on me this event too.”

“… I was caught up with something.” I give a vague excuse, not wanting to expose what happened this afternoon. “And I didn’t know anyone at the party, I stuck out like a sore thumb.”

“That’s why I wanted to seat you near me, but you refused.”

“I don’t want any unnecessary attention on me,” I sigh. “What would they assume when a commoner joins the host, in a table seated with other high-priority figures and the princesses of the kingdom?”

“But you’re my friend I stuck with through thick and thin. We went through life and death situations together. They can suck it.”

I’m already exhausted as I am, I genuinely have no energy to deal with Janet’s persistent nagging. I massaged the nose bridge between my eyes, hoping to ease the strain.

I know. Of course, I know we’re close friends. 

If I had an opportunity to trade my life for yours, I would happily die in your stead. 

As much as I’m attached to my mob life, I still remain friends with you despite your female lead halo. Because I care. Because I want to help you whichever way I could, even while avoiding the limelight.

I gave into your guilt-tripping while knowing you’re doing so in order to coax me into doing things. 

I’ve conceded so much from my end, so why can’t you understand my side of things?

Why are you being unreasonable?

“…… You think I’m unreasonable?”

Janet’s voice was laced with hurt.

F*ck.

I run my fingers through my hair. I’m so tired, I can’t even control my thoughts and words.

“So you think me regarding you as my best friend and wanting you to sit near me is unreasonable?”

“Janet, please.” I sigh, “Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

“No! It's not once, it's not twice. You say you'd be there and you disappear. EVERY TIME!!”

I pause at this. Janet’s eyes widen, as if she didn’t expect herself to scream. 

Because... Janet has never raised her voice at me before.

After long seconds of silence following her scream, my lips parted.

“Then what do you want me to do? Sit there uncomfortably among people I don’t know? Chat about what? What does a person like me have in common with princesses and their extravagant lives?” 

Stop.

“You want me to sit there, then what? Are you going to converse with me and me alone? You think it’s easy for me to put myself out there too? At least you gained the status to match, so the nobles won’t look down on you. But what the F*CK am I doing there?”

Stop it.

“You complain about not having anyone to rely on because it’s a new environment, that you needed someone familiar to feel at home. Have you ever considered MY position, when there’s no Cecile and Ruby to accompany me?”

Tina, stop.

But I couldn’t stop myself.

“No. Because you only think about yourself and how bad you have it. You think the world revolves around YOU, that YOU are the victim of everything, that YOU have it the hardest. You’re so F*CKING selfish.”

No.

Janet gives a crooked smile at my harsh words, her eyes brimmed with tears. 

“Is that what you really thought of me, all this time?”

No.

I bite my lips.

No. I didn’t mean any of it.

I couldn’t answer, as if my brain was trying to sort through an avalanche of words to construct a string of unintelligible sentence, trying so hard to come up with a sound reason why I said the words I did. 

But I couldn't.

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My head felt hot, my chest tight and heavy. A burning ball in my stomach blazes within, crushing everything inside me. 

I should apologise.

I didn’t mean any of it.

The door closes with a loud bang, with Janet no longer in the room.

As if a puppet whose strings were cut, my weak knees gave in and I found myself on the floor. 

Tina, you fucking asshole.

You went too far.

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Moonlight poured into the room after being filtered through the sheer lace curtains, gently caressing a girl holding a glass bottle. Her dazed eyes stared into empty nothing as she swished the spirit liquor in the bottle thoughtlessly. After a moment, she took another big gulp out of the bottle. The alcohol burned along her oesophagus as it descended into her stomach.

A black raven flaps its wings and rests on the open windowsill of the room. As the thick cloud slowly moved to hide the moon and obstruct its glow, in this dark room, the raven slowly shifts into a man.

Jin looked at Tina’s downcast self sitting amongst the several empty bottles of alcohol and felt helpless. Even though he wasn't with her during the day, he had a good idea of what was going on by probing into the rooms from a small distance away.

Tina avoided drinking alcohol, because it might end up with her doing something irreversibly stupid. She manages to be responsible if she drank, never going to the point of blacking out. Even if she did, she knew from her past experiences that she was a “sleepy” drunk - never a “chaotic” drunk. 

Before she drank at home, she would always warn Jin beforehand. “If I start doing anything other than sleep, that’s not me. Just knock me out so I can’t do anything stupid. That’s your job.”

However, it never reached that point.

Jin lifted Tina’s languid body, making sure she was comfortable in his arms, before moving towards the bed. As he gently lay her down, his face, which was only a few inches away from her, felt her breath on his cheeks.

He backed off immediately.

Tina’s eyes flitted open, her under-eyes puffy from crying hours on end. Looking at the reddish eyes fixated on his face, Jin frowned, not knowing what to do.

Her hand reached outwards, trying to aim for his face. Her lack of depth perception in her drunken stupor made her arm drop back on the bed instead.

“Ugh.” She groaned, trying once more. And failed.

Should I just knock her unconscious? 

No, if I do that she’s going to end up with a concussion.

Jin moved closer to inspect, but his hands got suddenly pulled by the girl with an unexpectedly large force, lunging him towards the bed.

Tina, finally managing to grab a hold of the handsome face in front of her, gave a weak smile in accomplishment.

“I like your face.”

Jin’s slapped away Tina’s hands in a frenzy, his body jerked back as if he’s touched a hot stove. He felt his face heating up at the unexpected comment. Because as much as Tina complimented his face in her mind, she never said them out loud.

Tina’s words came into his mind at this point, “If I start doing anything other than sleep, that’s not me.”

I should knock her unconscious.

“Hey, do you… like me?” Her slurred words interrupted his thoughts, poking him like a thorn. Jin felt a hitch in his movements.

After a short pause, he finally answered. 

“… I find you interesting.” 

She frowned, her two brows scrunched together made small wrinkles in between.

“You can’t like me.” 

“… Okay.”

“I’m scared. I push away everyone around me… because I’m scared.”

“… I know.”

Jin started wrapping Tina with layers of duvets and blanket. By the time he was done, Tina looked like she was hibernating in a cocoon.

Finally, he let out a long sigh. He slowly shifted into a small hamster and curled up to sleep on the couch.

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