If I Can't Be Your Wife
***
***
“I didn’t bring you back to use you.”
The moment he heard the question full of pure doubts, it felt like he was being sucked into an abyss. Alexis responded by moving his stiff neck.
“I just wanted you to be by my side. So I looked for you.”
“The reason you married me in the first place was because of Her Majesty the Empress.”
Her pale blue eyes that did not contain any resentment or expectation toward him were empty and cold.
“Because you thought that a marriage without an heir to the Duchy of Walten would be painful for the Empress. Is that not it?”
“…That was then.”
Alexis, who resented himself as he could not deny her words in the slightest, soon answered.
“But not now. It has nothing to do with the Empress.”
“Then why did you bring me back? I had a child with another man, and if you don’t intend to use the child as well, then why did you search for me and bring me back?”
Even his answer felt like sin. He couldn’t say anything. His answer to her asking why felt shameless.
But Alexis spit it out half-impulsively.
“I think I love you, Kathleen.”
“…..”
“So I wanted to keep you under the name of Walten.”
Her silver eyelashes trembled. However, her red lips remained still and did not open. Alexis could not read any emotion from the fair face of the woman who had once been his wife.
“Please, say something.”
Fearing that she might have just passed out, he approached her. Kathleen stepped back from him.
“Are you even making fun of me now?”
“No. I…”
She looked so upset so he rushed to speak, but she raised her hand and stopped him.
“Don’t say any more.”
“Kathleen.”
“I don’t believe what you say.”
Kathleen gave a self-ridiculing laugh.
“At that time, when I told the Duke I loved him. He hugged me as if he was giving charity.”
He couldn’t say anything, feeling as if he had been beaten in the back of his head. Kathleen spoke her words quietly.
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have.”
“…..”
“You are mistaken now. You hate to lose something in your hand to someone else. That’s all the Duke is feeling.”
Alexis looked at Kathleen who was standing a few steps away. She seemed so far away.
She was saying that she won’t accept him.
He had already ignored her sincerity and refused to see her properly. He had enveloped himself with prejudices against her, so he hurt her and took advantage of her.
Him saying this now was only an excuse for the past.
“I thought I was fine being used, but I was wrong. Now I’m sick of being in the Imperial Family. I do not want to get involved any longer.”
The more pitiful words came out, the more his heart ached as if it were being pierced through.
“So, take another woman as your wife who will help the Duke, and let me go.”
There was no hatred in the eyes that looked at him.
“I beg you to do this.”
Alexis became even more desperate.
“I can’t do that.”
He’d rather she hated him. That was how much he wanted to stay with her. He couldn’t stand the thought of those eyes leaving him, completely forgetting the memories of the two of them together.
“Peter will get married.”
“Duke, His Highness the Crown Prince’s marriage is……!”
“Why don’t you treat me with at least half of the kindness you show Peter?”
After interrupting Kathleen, he said stubbornly.
“I think it would work better that way.”
“What do you mean?”
“If it is as you say that I’m holding on to you just because of possessiveness and fickleness, then I’ll probably lose interest.”
Kathleen’s hand, holding the railing, began to tremble.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Stay by my side. As much as I want.”
Alexis felt a sense of déjà vu from his words. He felt like he had returned to the helpless, six-year-old Alec, who instinctively knew it wouldn’t happen, but had no choice but to beg for his mother to return.
But now he knew how to achieve his will, even by hiding his sincerity with a lie.
“Go where I want you to go, and do what I want you to do. Then I might eventually get bored.”
“……If I do that, will you really let me go?”
“Yes.”
“Promise me.”
Kathleen continued in a clear tone.
“When the Duke realizes that what’s in his heart is not love, Lucy and I will be freed from the Walten name. No more searching, no more curiosity. Treat me like someone you didn’t know.”
“…..”
“If you promise that, I will be by your side for as long as the Duke wants.”
Her outstretched hand gleamed white in the moonlight. Alexis clasped her hand, reflecting on his proposal with an empty feeling.
“I promise.”
Alexis stared blankly at her disappearing back. If he yelled at her to stop now, she would obey him, but he couldn’t.
He walked back to his bedroom without stopping. He couldn’t sleep, so he stayed up all night sitting down.
He kept thinking and thinking, without moving from the very same spot. Viscount Rylent and Alsdorf’s advice, he skipped meals and gave up sleeping, but his conclusion was the same.
Alexis took out an invitation from the bottom of the drawer, wrote his and Kathleen’s name on it, and called Alsdorf.
“Duke! You called?”
Alsdorf, who had rushed to the call of his Master who was harming himself, looked at him with anxious eyes. Alexis wordlessly gave him the invitation.
“Tell Kathleen.”
“Isn’t this an invitation from the Imperial Family?”
“It’s the first imperial party where Count Schenberg participates. Let her know, and let her send it herself.”
“But if the Madame doesn’t approve.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
There was little confidence in the blood-shot golden eyes.
“….Yes. I will.”
Alsdorf bowed his head and stepped out of the bedroom.
***
Kathleen sent the invitation to the imperial court as he wished, and it was time for the party.
“Madame, are you really okay?”
“Yes.”
Kathleen responded as casually as possible while putting on the earrings Alexis had sent her. Emily’s face was full of worries for her as she patted the sleeping Luci’s back.
Her Majesty the Empress will be attending too, what if something happens?”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. Take care of Luci until I come back.”
She glanced out of the window and saw a carriage waiting for her. She grabbed the hem of her skirt and stepped out cautiously.
Alexis was waiting at the end of the stairs. Kathleen placed her hand on his outstretched arm in an obligatory gesture.
She climbed into the carriage that was headed for the Imperial Palace and silence followed. After a while, Kathleen opened her mouth.
“How far should I go?”
Dark golden eyes turned towards her. She seemed to be asking what he meant.
“I think I need to know the purpose of the Duke’s participation in this party so that I can decide how to behave.”
“At this party, Peter and Count Schenberg will officially meet for the first time.”
Alexis emphasized.
“In other words, it’s a place for a political marriage. You and I are attending as members of the Imperial Family, so that’s all you need to do.”
“……Yes. I got it.”
“You must not forget your promise. I believe you won’t bring up the divorce.”
“…..”
“I should get off now.”
As soon as the carriage stopped, he opened the door and went out and held out his hand. His attitude would make him look like a man who loved his wife dearly.
Kathleen took his hand. Unlike before, not feeling excited at all felt better than expected.
“His Excellency the Duke of Walten and the Duchess of Walten have arrived.”
The chamberlain’s voice resounded loudly in the banquet hall. The eyes of the nobles who were happily greeting each other focused on one place.
It was towards the ducal couple who had their arms linked like never before.
“Oh my God.”
“Is it really the Duchess of Walten?”
The noble ladies, covering their mouths with fans pretending to be noble and smiling, quickly scanned them up and down.
Rumors spread widely that the Duchess of Walten, who had suddenly disappeared three years ago, had reappeared with a successor.
She never made an official appearance or announced her return to the social world, but was now seen affectionately holding hands with her husband.
It was a big event that could turn the capital city of Meyer upside down.
‘Everyone must be curious and anxious.’
One step at a time, as they approached the group, more and more people came to talk to them. Kathleen reflexively smiled and exchanged simple greetings, but she felt exhausted inside.
Their intent was obvious. Anything to tease and humiliate her. Or trying to get some gossip on how she was able to win the Duke of Walten’s heart again after being out of his sight.
Knowing this situation, Alexis wanted to come with her to the party as well. It was to show that the relationship between the Duke and Duchess of Walten was strong.
“You are here, my lord.”
A man appeared amidst the ladies with a glass of champagne. He was a young man with amber hair and a clean face and a light smile.
“Count Schenberg. You came early.”
“There are a lot of people asking to see me, so I arrived early. But this one…”
Kathleen was about to say hello as he looked at her. Alexis intercepted the words.
“Let me introduce you. My wife, the Duchess of Walten.”
Wife?
Kathleen looked at him reflexively. But Alexis didn’t change his expression.
“Nice to meet you, Duchess. My name is Kieran Schenberg.”
Count Schenberg naturally bent his knees and gave an imperial greeting. Kathleen received his greeting at once.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Count Schenberg.”
“The pleasure is mine. I was curious about who His Grace was always hiding.”
Count Schenberg, who returned the glass of champagne to a passing attendant, blinked his eyes and smiled.
“Now that we have met, I understand why you did that. If it is not rude, I would like to greet you again formally, will you allow me?”
As soon as Kathleen nodded her head, Count Schenberg kissed her free hand. At the same time, Alexis roughly pulled the Count away.
His lips, which had been unaffected by any change, were now stiff enough for anyone to see.
Chapter 41: 41
***
“I didn’t bring you back to use you.”
The moment he heard the question full of pure doubts, it felt like he was being sucked into an abyss. Alexis responded by moving his stiff neck.
“I just wanted you to be by my side. So I looked for you.”
“The reason you married me in the first place was because of Her Majesty the Empress.”
Her pale blue eyes that did not contain any resentment or expectation toward him were empty and cold.
“Because you thought that a marriage without an heir to the Duchy of Walten would be painful for the Empress. Is that not it?”
“…That was then.”
Alexis, who resented himself as he could not deny her words in the slightest, soon answered.
“But not now. It has nothing to do with the Empress.”
“Then why did you bring me back? I had a child with another man, and if you don’t intend to use the child as well, then why did you search for me and bring me back?”
Even his answer felt like sin. He couldn’t say anything. His answer to her asking why felt shameless.
But Alexis spit it out half-impulsively.
“I think I love you, Kathleen.”
“…..”
“So I wanted to keep you under the name of Walten.”
Her silver eyelashes trembled. However, her red lips remained still and did not open. Alexis could not read any emotion from the fair face of the woman who had once been his wife.
“Please, say something.”
Fearing that she might have just passed out, he approached her. Kathleen stepped back from him.
“No. I…”
She looked so upset so he rushed to speak, but she raised her hand and stopped him.
“Don’t say any more.”
“Kathleen.”
“I don’t believe what you say.”
Kathleen gave a self-ridiculing laugh.
“At that time, when I told the Duke I loved him. He hugged me as if he was giving charity.”
He couldn’t say anything, feeling as if he had been beaten in the back of his head. Kathleen spoke her words quietly.
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have.”
“…..”
“You are mistaken now. You hate to lose something in your hand to someone else. That’s all the Duke is feeling.”
Alexis looked at Kathleen who was standing a few steps away. She seemed so far away.
She was saying that she won’t accept him.
He had already ignored her sincerity and refused to see her properly. He had enveloped himself with prejudices against her, so he hurt her and took advantage of her.
Him saying this now was only an excuse for the past.
“I thought I was fine being used, but I was wrong. Now I’m sick of being in the Imperial Family. I do not want to get involved any longer.”
The more pitiful words came out, the more his heart ached as if it were being pierced through.
“So, take another woman as your wife who will help the Duke, and let me go.”
There was no hatred in the eyes that looked at him.
Alexis became even more desperate.
“I can’t do that.”
He’d rather she hated him. That was how much he wanted to stay with her. He couldn’t stand the thought of those eyes leaving him, completely forgetting the memories of the two of them together.
“Peter will get married.”
“Duke, His Highness the Crown Prince’s marriage is……!”
“Why don’t you treat me with at least half of the kindness you show Peter?”
After interrupting Kathleen, he said stubbornly.
“I think it would work better that way.”
“What do you mean?”
“If it is as you say that I’m holding on to you just because of possessiveness and fickleness, then I’ll probably lose interest.”
Kathleen’s hand, holding the railing, began to tremble.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Stay by my side. As much as I want.”
Alexis felt a sense of déjà vu from his words. He felt like he had returned to the helpless, six-year-old Alec, who instinctively knew it wouldn’t happen, but had no choice but to beg for his mother to return.
But now he knew how to achieve his will, even by hiding his sincerity with a lie.
“Go where I want you to go, and do what I want you to do. Then I might eventually get bored.”
“……If I do that, will you really let me go?”
“Yes.”
“Promise me.”
“When the Duke realizes that what’s in his heart is not love, Lucy and I will be freed from the Walten name. No more searching, no more curiosity. Treat me like someone you didn’t know.”
“…..”
“If you promise that, I will be by your side for as long as the Duke wants.”
Her outstretched hand gleamed white in the moonlight. Alexis clasped her hand, reflecting on his proposal with an empty feeling.
“I promise.”
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His heart ached in her cold hands without warmth. The maid was clearly told to bring her a thick blanket and shawl, but he couldn’t figure out why it was so cold. The moment he unconsciously tried to cover it with his other hand, Kathleen pulled her hand away and turned around.Alexis stared blankly at her disappearing back. If he yelled at her to stop now, she would obey him, but he couldn’t.
He walked back to his bedroom without stopping. He couldn’t sleep, so he stayed up all night sitting down.
He kept thinking and thinking, without moving from the very same spot. Viscount Rylent and Alsdorf’s advice, he skipped meals and gave up sleeping, but his conclusion was the same.
Alexis took out an invitation from the bottom of the drawer, wrote his and Kathleen’s name on it, and called Alsdorf.
“Duke! You called?”
Alsdorf, who had rushed to the call of his Master who was harming himself, looked at him with anxious eyes. Alexis wordlessly gave him the invitation.
“Tell Kathleen.”
“Isn’t this an invitation from the Imperial Family?”
“It’s the first imperial party where Count Schenberg participates. Let her know, and let her send it herself.”
“But if the Madame doesn’t approve.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
There was little confidence in the blood-shot golden eyes.
“….Yes. I will.”
***
Kathleen sent the invitation to the imperial court as he wished, and it was time for the party.
“Madame, are you really okay?”
“Yes.”
Kathleen responded as casually as possible while putting on the earrings Alexis had sent her. Emily’s face was full of worries for her as she patted the sleeping Luci’s back.
Her Majesty the Empress will be attending too, what if something happens?”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. Take care of Luci until I come back.”
She glanced out of the window and saw a carriage waiting for her. She grabbed the hem of her skirt and stepped out cautiously.
Alexis was waiting at the end of the stairs. Kathleen placed her hand on his outstretched arm in an obligatory gesture.
She climbed into the carriage that was headed for the Imperial Palace and silence followed. After a while, Kathleen opened her mouth.
“How far should I go?”
Dark golden eyes turned towards her. She seemed to be asking what he meant.
“I think I need to know the purpose of the Duke’s participation in this party so that I can decide how to behave.”
“At this party, Peter and Count Schenberg will officially meet for the first time.”
Alexis emphasized.
“In other words, it’s a place for a political marriage. You and I are attending as members of the Imperial Family, so that’s all you need to do.”
“……Yes. I got it.”
“You must not forget your promise. I believe you won’t bring up the divorce.”
“…..”
As soon as the carriage stopped, he opened the door and went out and held out his hand. His attitude would make him look like a man who loved his wife dearly.
Kathleen took his hand. Unlike before, not feeling excited at all felt better than expected.
“His Excellency the Duke of Walten and the Duchess of Walten have arrived.”
The chamberlain’s voice resounded loudly in the banquet hall. The eyes of the nobles who were happily greeting each other focused on one place.
It was towards the ducal couple who had their arms linked like never before.
“Oh my God.”
“Is it really the Duchess of Walten?”
The noble ladies, covering their mouths with fans pretending to be noble and smiling, quickly scanned them up and down.
Rumors spread widely that the Duchess of Walten, who had suddenly disappeared three years ago, had reappeared with a successor.
She never made an official appearance or announced her return to the social world, but was now seen affectionately holding hands with her husband.
It was a big event that could turn the capital city of Meyer upside down.
‘Everyone must be curious and anxious.’
One step at a time, as they approached the group, more and more people came to talk to them. Kathleen reflexively smiled and exchanged simple greetings, but she felt exhausted inside.
Their intent was obvious. Anything to tease and humiliate her. Or trying to get some gossip on how she was able to win the Duke of Walten’s heart again after being out of his sight.
Knowing this situation, Alexis wanted to come with her to the party as well. It was to show that the relationship between the Duke and Duchess of Walten was strong.
“You are here, my lord.”
A man appeared amidst the ladies with a glass of champagne. He was a young man with amber hair and a clean face and a light smile.
“Count Schenberg. You came early.”
“There are a lot of people asking to see me, so I arrived early. But this one…”
“Let me introduce you. My wife, the Duchess of Walten.”
Wife?
Kathleen looked at him reflexively. But Alexis didn’t change his expression.
“Nice to meet you, Duchess. My name is Kieran Schenberg.”
Count Schenberg naturally bent his knees and gave an imperial greeting. Kathleen received his greeting at once.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Count Schenberg.”
“The pleasure is mine. I was curious about who His Grace was always hiding.”
Count Schenberg, who returned the glass of champagne to a passing attendant, blinked his eyes and smiled.
“Now that we have met, I understand why you did that. If it is not rude, I would like to greet you again formally, will you allow me?”
As soon as Kathleen nodded her head, Count Schenberg kissed her free hand. At the same time, Alexis roughly pulled the Count away.
His lips, which had been unaffected by any change, were now stiff enough for anyone to see.
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