Chapter 12: Chapter 11: She Is a Girl

“I want to do it,” says Ellemenie, leaning toward you on her bed. Fortunately, she is no longer locked in the dungeon.

“Really, you’re sure?” you say, swaying back and forth a little at the end of the bed, where you sit with your legs crossed. “You don’t have to do this just to help me out.”

With obvious confidence, she says, “Why is that not an okay reason to want to do something?” Though you want to protest, your brain struggles to come up with any arguments. At least, any that aren’t self-deprecating, which you’re sure she’ll reject. “Also, I don’t just want to do it for you, I want to do it for me. Merging before was the most exhilarating experience of my life!”

“Mine too,” you admit. “Of both lives, I guess you could say?” You frown, worry welling up within. “But what about… I mean, they put you in a dungeon last time.”

“Well for one, that was because I disrupted Imxach’s plans.” You make note of the name. Perhaps this is the ‘boss’ Eeozi mentioned? “Just because we merge doesn’t mean we have to do that every time. Though I do want to stop him, ultimately.”

Scooting closer, you say, “From what, exactly? What did he gain from that first attack?”

“I don’t think he gained anything, since we killed the Xargnoli.” You will never manage to remember that name. “He wanted the souls that the thing sucked up. For his experiments, I expect.”

“What are the experiments for?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. But he’s hurting people to get what he wants, including someone I care about, so I can’t let him continue.” Does that… does she mean you? No. Of course not. She must mean someone else, right? But does she know anyone else, especially at your school? She’s never said as much, but still, she can’t mean you, right? There’s no possible wa— She boops your nose, derailing the train of your thoughts. “I mean you! I see that mind of yours scrambling to justify why I must mean someone else, but no, I mean you, girl!”

For a moment, your heart swells near to bursting, but that last word pops it like a balloon. It’s not that you hate the word, you’ve actually always thought it sounds nicer than ‘boy.’ But jealousy of women and their better words aside, the word reminds you of your own dishonesty. You haven’t told her. You probably should, right? It’s already eating away at you that you’ve been lying to Kittpey for so long… you don’t want to lie to Ellemenie too. So you should just say it. Tell her you’re actually a boy. Just… do it. Now. Do it now. Your lips won’t move. Do it now. Why is this so hard??

“But anyway,  the point is, we don’t have to take on my evil boss everytime we merge. So let’s do it, let’s try it again!” she grips your hand tight as she says that, but your mind is a million miles away. She called this Imxach guy her boss too, you should probably ask about that, but no, you need to focus, you need to discuss the thing that’s most important right now: your lies.

Struggling with all your might, you get your mouth to start moving, and force sound out through it. “Boy.” Panting, you breathe deep, trying to steady yourself. That was like running a marathon.

Ellemenie quirks an eyebrow. “Um, sorry, what?”

Still struggling with your breathing, you silently gesture at yourself and then splay your hand, as though to say ‘you get it.’

Her eyes squint at you. She does not get it. “I don’t und— you just said the word ‘boy.’ What was that about?”

Oh gosh, okay, here we go again. You told Umeso and Ruem so easily, why is this such a struggle now?? Putting your all into it, you manage two more words: “I am.”

She stares at you, clearly trying to put together the puzzle you’ve laid out for her. “You are… a boy?”

Slumping in relief, you nod. Ellemenie still looks confused.

“You’re trying to say… I’ve got your gender wrong?” You nod again. She furrows her brow. “Oh, okay. It’s just… with how you look now, and then when we merged—” Shaking her head, she plasters a smile to her face and says, “But I need to respect what you’re telling me. You’re a boy, right? That’s what you want me to call you?”

For some reason, your eyes are watery and your lip is trembling. Can’t analyze whatever’s going on there right now, though! You nod your head.

Ellemenie looks concerned. “Are you okay? Are you… about to cry?” No, surely that’s not the case. You open your mouth to tell her so, but all that comes out is a strangled, pitiful, unintelligible noise. This, somehow, does not ease Ellemenie’s concern, and in fact she looks significantly more worried than before. Damn, you’re really messing this up right now. She reaches her hands up to cup your face, barely managing to avoid looking you directly in the eye. “Biat. Are you sure you want to be a boy? You don’t have to be, if that’s what’s causing… this.”

You hiccup. What does she mean ‘are you sure you want to?’ It’s not about wants! You are a boy! You were born a boy, you died a boy, and… well you sort of weren’t reborn, and you weren’t in a boy body when you came back to life, and you apparently don’t look very boyish right now in your dream form, but… But you’re still a boy! That’s not something you can just… change. Not without, like, a genie, or a miracle from God or something. But those things don’t exist, and you’re not a kid lying in your bed and wishing for them anymore. Though you suppose, even if no gods were involved, the fact that you’re still around after whatever apocalypse destroyed your world is sort of like a miracle, huh? Still, it’s not your body. It’s not real. Right?

Ellemenie’s hands have left your face, and are instead gripping your hands. She’s scooted much closer to you. “Biat. Can we… Can I try something?”

Sniffling, you shrug and nod.

“Oh, Biat? He is my friend. He is a boy.”

Crap, you’re about to cry again. You feel terrible. Why does the truth make you feel so awful? You lived with it all your previous life, and well… you hadn’t been happy, but…

Squeezing your hands, Ellemenie encourages you to breathe, to just take big, long breaths. You do. “Okay, now try this. Oh, Biat? She is my friend. She is a girl.”

Your heart, which for a while now had been dwelling in the pit of your stomach, flutters up into your chest as though carried there by clouds. You feel a faint smile lift the corners of your mouth. It still feels like you’re on the verge of crying, but even that feels different now, like it would be for different reasons. Dare you say… happier ones?

Putting a finger beneath your chin, Ellemenie stares right beneath your eyes. “Biat, do you want to be a girl?”

It feels as though you’re going to explode. Yes, yes you do! Obviously!! Everyone does, but not everyone gets to be born as one! And no one is supposed to talk about it, no one is supposed to talk about that pain you have to carry all your life. Because as soon as you do, people recoil, they look at you with disdain, they…

But Ellemenie isn’t doing that. Ellemenie is smiling, she’s… she’s being so nice to you. Why? Why is she not disgusted? What is she wait… oh, you still haven’t actually said, have you? Not out loud, at least. You’re not supposed to say it out loud. But… Ellemenie wants you to. And is that enough?

“…Yes.”

Ellemenie beams, but before she can say anything, you disintegrate, faster than ever before. She didn’t look into your eyes, and yet…

~~~

You’re awake. And you’re not alone. Pressing up against the wall like a feral animal, eyes wide and flitting desperately around, you identify the intruder. It’s… it’s that fucking mousy kid from… how long ago was it, even? Weeks? The kid that told you Radestro wanted to meet. He’s in your room, staring at you with decidedly little emotion on his face.

“Heya, toots!” he says, expression flicking from nothing to an enormous grin like a lightswitch.

“What the fuck are you doing in my room!?” you shout, glancing down to make sure you’re decent. Fortunately, your nightgown still has your breasts covered. You’re still furious, though, furious to have an important conversation interrupted, and to have to focus on whatever this kid is here for and just… UGH, you’re so mad!!

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He shrugs. “Ya door was unlocked.”

You glare at him, wishing you could throttle him with only your eyeballs. “There’s no locking mechanism in the door, of course it was unlocked!”

He squints. “…Ya go here, right?” He gestures around. “Ta this magic school?”

The implication sends your mind reeling. Wait, this whole time you could have… of course, the Headmistress did it! Ugh, why hasn’t Umeso taught you that spell??

“Anyway, gotta message for ya from Radestro!”

Glancing at your curtains, which block a lot of light but certainly not all of it, you can clearly tell it is still nighttime; it’s pitch black out there. “Did you literally wake me up in the middle of the night?”

“Yep! Radestro said ta tell ya asap, and I wasn’t doin’ anythin’ else!” You stare at him, incredulous. “Also I got sick ‘a waitin’, so I shook ya.”

Covering your chest, you say, “Were you sitting here staring at me before that??”

“Mighty full ‘a yaself ta think I was lookin’ at ya the whole time.”

It’s starting to feel like you’re losing your mind, and that this is maybe some sort of advanced nightmare. “Just… what was the message?”

Grinning, he says, “Radestro wants ya ta meet him at his hideout. Asap, he said.”

You glance at your curtains again, then back to the kid. “Like… now? I don’t really want to sneak out in the middle of the night.”

He tilts his head to the side. “Why not? Wasn’t hard ta sneak in, ‘specially with that big rock guy gone.” Oh, right, Karvin was destroyed.

But wait, he snuck in? So he’s not a student here. You look him over — he definitely seems younger than you. Early high school or late middle school, if he were from your world. He’s got thick brown hair that covers one of his eyes, and his clothes seem both plain and very used.

Sighing, you slide off the bed and to your feet. “Fine, I’ll go. Thanks, I guess, uh… what’s your name, anyway?”

He leaps to his feet too, and moves between you and the door. “The name’s Roddie! Short for Roddiston.” Suddenly angry, he points a finger accusingly. “Don’t call me that, tho.” Smile back as though it had never left, he holds his hand out. “Now, ‘bout my tip…”

“Kid, I don’t have any money on me,” you say, arms crossed. “Or in this room, as far as I know.”

He shrugs, smirking and scooting over to the door. Tossing it open, he says, “Not anymore ya don’t.” And then he’s gone, the door left open behind him. Sighing again, you walk over and close it, then start pulling on some clothes. Hopefully Ruem won’t be too upset about whatever it is he took.

~~~

“My love, you’ve arrived!” says Radestro, splaying his arms open wide. He rushes toward you and pulls you into a tight embrace. He plants a messy kiss to your lips, but it’s mercifully quick. Pulling away, he says, “It is time!”

“Time to get back in bed?” you reply, channeling the Ruem energy that dwells inside you.

He steps away, grinning wide, maybe a little too wide. You’d thought him back to normal, but on second glance, there’s a manic energy about him that isn’t usually there. “Ah, my little comedienne. But no, not at all!” Striking a confident pose, he points a finger in the air and says, “I speak, of course, of the job. It is time to do it, and it is time to leave this place!”

Despite the lack of sleep, you’ve enough capacity for thought to recognize that asking what the job is would be deemed suspicious. But maybe you can ask about the leaving bit? It sounds like he means the town, not this run-down building he squats in and calls a ‘base of operations.’ Well, actually, the other times you’ve been here he’s mostly called it a ‘base of loving,’ but you try not to think about that.

Taking a step forward, hands held behind you so you can strike a cutesy pose, you say, “Have you… figured out where we’re going? After the job?”

He opens his arms wide again. “Anywhere but here, my dear! Anywhere but a town half-demolished by a monstrous spawn of evil, right? It’s hard to do worse!”

Ah, that’s why. He’s healed up now and terrified of getting hurt again. But there’s absolutely no way you’re leaving this town or the people in it that you’ve come to care for, especially not to run off into the hills with this guy. Or any guy, frankly. You’re glad you helped save him, but you’re still not particularly fond of him, even if he weren’t so interested in having sex with you. So how do you play this, exactly? If you do it right, maybe Radestro will leave, and you won’t have to deal with him anymore? But you don’t want him to hate you, either, and you don’t want Ruem to hate you. Oh, shit, you need to talk to her. Does she still want to run off with him, or do whatever it is those two have planned?

“Dear, I’m afraid you may have fallen asleep. Do pay attention.” Standing up a little straighter, you look at him, which seems to satisfy. “Now then, shall we be off?”

Wait, he means now?? Scrambling forward, you put a hand on his arm and say, “Darling, tonight? I haven’t even packed or anything!”

For a moment the smile he’s affixed to his face like a mask slips. “I mean, you have so much crap, though. Do you really need to bring it all? Or anything? We need to get out of here. Couldn’t we just—”

Playfully, you slap his arm. “Of course I need my stuff!! You think I wanna be stuck in just one outfit for who knows how long??” Debating for a moment, you decide to step over a line that you can only imagine Ruem has crossed before: you muss Radestro’s hair. “Use your head, dumbass!”

Though he clearly does not enjoy your hand ruffling his hair or your name calling, he does not react as though either is a surprising affront. “I… yes. I suppose I did not give you much in the way of prep time.”

“Literally none, yeah,” you say, elbowing him.

Slumping, his smile disappears along with the energy he’d been carrying. He looks utterly exhausted. After a yawn, he says, “Yes, perhaps tomorrow night. That will be the night.” He looks you in the eye, face hard. “You will be ready then?”

Forcing a laugh, you respond the only way you can. “I guess I’ll have to be!”