Chapter 3: Chapter 3

I know that I don’t know everything but I didn’t know that I was actually too ignorant. I think I'm still too naive since I behave like I know everything and believed that my knowledge was plenty. It was reasonable since I was still a child, and I'm really glad that I learned that I'm ignorant rather than feeling shame about it. Understanding human hearts better would enable me to better myself and my future goals.

My father's death is one example of how someone's passing may teach someone something about their selves and those around them.

My mother took a significant blow as a result of having to take on the responsibilities that my father was meant to have. But how would she manage it as a housewife and undergraduate? How will she manage to raise us, her children? Then, with smiles, others extend their hands in her direction. Because of her desperation, she eagerly accepted them.

Those who extended their hands to my mother did so in an effort to support her in her grieving process after the passing of my father. Every time they come to see her at our place, they console her and tell her to "believe in yourself" or something like that.

My mother began to act as though she was beginning to get over her sadness, which I believe was a result of their consolation. She goes out to make herself happy, having fun with her new friends and doing a lot of things to divert her attention from her grief. It was difficult to cope with the loss of a husband because he was her sole source of support. She started moving on, which is why I believe it was a positive thing for her. But she was so preoccupied with herself that she neglected us, siblings.

She lost sight of the fact that she was not the only person experiencing sadness since she was so intent on overcoming it. She has lost a husband, this also means that we lost a father.

We all have different ways of overcoming loss-related depression. Like my mother, my sister also discovered that she needed to escape the grief by having fun with her newfound friends. My modest, submissive, and meek sister turned wild. I was unable to recognize her former self due to the extreme change. She becomes a whole stranger. Even I once wondered, "Where did my former sister go?"

She was a top student and an excellent role model in her former school, but she now consistently skips class without any concern. She used to detest wearing makeup, but these days she dressed like an emo girl. She drinks liquor like water. Sometimes, she doesn't even return home. She was a complete mess. However,  I do understand that she is still in mourning.

My younger brother was just 8 years old. My mother and sister were more affected by my father's passing than he was, in my opinion, although he also started to wander due to the absence of parental supervision. While everyone is preoccupied with their own things, he wants to spend time with someone. He, therefore, stopped wanting to go home and tend to seek out family affection from his friends' families.

They are not the only one who was mourning…I was too. At first, I believed I was heartless. I never gave a damn about anyone, so I didn't expect to be so greatly impacted. Even though I didn't cry, I was in grief. Everything became uninteresting. I stopped "comforting" those bullied young masters and instead concentrate on playing games. I don't even think about money anymore. I feel empty.

I could no longer bear pretending to be kind, but that doesn't mean I stopped being friendly. I maintain a smile, but I create a sense of distance between myself and others and make sure they won't consider getting closer. When someone offers to treat me, I always decline.

I apparently can't even recognize myself. Just everything got so monotonous.

After two years, I entered my third year of high school. The fact that my mother began to take note of my sister's grades suggests that she may have opened her eyes. My sister actually had to retake a grade. She was so hurt by it that she could hardly stand to see my sister. Every time they are together, they argue with one another.

On the other side, our mother compliments me. My grades improved without my notice. My name is consistently listed among the top 10 students in our class.

I only frown when she tells me, "Just because you have mother's praise, doesn't mean you're better than me," because anytime she sees me, she becomes envious and also tries to start a quarrel. Because I don't care, I believe it to be foolish. Praise no longer makes me happy. The acceptance and confidence I so desperately sought in the past... are now meaningless. I no longer want anything. I pretend not to hear her since it is so dull. Any attempt to start an argument is futile.

I got in front of the computer while carrying a liter of fresh milk. Right now, playing video games is preferable to anything else. Nothing is amusing. There is nothing intriguing. Nothing matters. Even I don't know why I feel this way. Am I really still grieving the loss of my father? I genuinely don't understand myself at this point.

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