Chapter 1: Chapter One

I’m alone sitting in the back of English class as we watch the movie Jaws with the goal of finding the allegory that the teacher seems to think is so revolutionary. My friend Zoe is sitting across the room and the girl’s empty seat is in the row ahead of me. I’m all alone in a room full of people, the lights are off and the people are quiet but for the clicking of their fingers on the keyboards. But all I hear is the music, it makes my heart beat faster and faster. And then the words start spinning around, and all I can hear is the voice reciting the rhymes with rhythmic reverence.

 

Vapor pressure surface tension

A tightrope of disbelief’s suspension

London forces hydrogen bonding

Nothing in my brain’s responding 

Freezing point depression 

An anxiety and panic session

Dipole dipole polar 

No warmth not even solar

 

They’re all on the boat and the shark is circling and the music is so fast it fans the flames of my spinning mind. I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm watching everything around me spinning fast. The clock is ticking and I look over at Zoe but they’ve always liked suspense. I’m on the edge of my seat and I feel my legs shaking and I don’t know why. And the music gets fast fast fast and the words sweep me off my balance and into a whirlpool again.

 

Hear me singing this song song song

I’m going to get everything wrong wrong wrong

Boat and barrel and gun gun gunned

The children are dying, you're shun shun shunned

Viscous dispersion

Vicious disperson 

 

The period ends and I get up and go to the chemistry room but the words are still racing around my brain like a racetrack. I need to finish a test so I'm sitting outside in the hall. It’s loud out here and the business students had the bright idea to record their cereal commercial right next door but all I see is the tornado of phrases around me and all I hear are the words.

 

I see I see I see 

Hydrogen higher than me 

I want and wish to find

The remnants of a child’s whined

Whined and whined and never stop 

To stop and drop and rock ten pop

I seek I seek 

And get a peek

And where the world has gone

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I cannot but fawn

For so beautiful she might have been

But they who saw rubber not tin

Insanity is spinning fast

All knowledge of her is lost and past 

Lies and lies and lies and more

She lies and i tie forever for

We’ve no ears and they’ve no mouth

Do her answers lye in the south 

They are mute and we are deaf

Leads me to this endless death

When she returns I fall again 

It is only a matter of when

 

The words are swarming and singing. I need to cut and cover. I need the safety and warmth of broken skin and warm blood and alcohol soaked cotton. The words are too fast and I'm trying to take this chemistry test on intermolecular forces. This is the second time I've tried to take it and for the second time I'm having a panic attack. My hands are shaking shaking and my thoughts are racing and rhyming. Insanity is spinning faster faster faster and my hands are shaking shaking shaking and I need to be steady and warm and covered and oh god my wrists, the air, my wrists are so small and my thoughts are so fast. I want my comfort in blood and warmth but all I have is a cold razor and the sting of rubbing alcohol. All I have is short white lines when I want to rip off my skin and feel the warmth of pooling blood. But all I have is air on my skin and it's far too cold now.

The bell rings and the noise around me is loud but inside it's quiet and I'll come back tomorrow to work on it during class and I walk over to the bus and sit in the second row. Always the second row, morning or afternoon, always the second row. Sometimes I think about the girl that sits in front of me. She’s loud and I’m quiet, and she talks to the girl across from her. She is loud and I’m too quiet for her to notice I’m there, I’m too busy listening to be loud. I have heard things about her life I shouldn’t know, not on purpose of course. Sometimes my brain just hears things. That's how I know she’s recovering from anorexia and that she self harms and drinks alcohol. I never say anything to her. I never tell her I understand why she has doodles all over her legs. My first scars are on my forearm because I was too stupid to think of hiding them. And I’ve never been partial to long sleeves. So she probably knows. We don’t really talk though. But its weirdly nice to know I’m not the only one to ever fuck up like this. Talking to people online is great but there's something different about seeing someone else that has hurt so much they have to hurt themselves even more to feel better. 

 

When she returns I fall again

It's only a matter of when

 

Those words, they aren't mine. They came from it, but they are true and I can’t help but see them as truth. These words aren't mine, but the voice says them in my head and all goes silent, like I have voiced a traitorous thought. It wasn’t me, these words aren’t mine, but they are true. They are true and I can tell because they bring only silence in their wake. Because there is nothing to do but wait for the fall and hope it isn't as far down this time.

 

It's so silent

I want to do anything

And yet all i can do

Is wait 

For what can i do

When in the end 

it will fall down anyway

There is nothing to do but wait

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