Chapter 3: 1.1 — At what point did you get reborn?

At what point did you get reborn?

Did you get reborn as a child, a teen, or an adult? If you’re lucky, you would get reborn as an infant (oh what a blessing that would be). The cycle of human life is straight forward in nature, so this is a good place to start. Depending on the answer to this question you might have to adjust the length of your plans, the voracity of your attack, and even the goal you will have to aim for. Given the nature of this guide, we will be discussing all of that in due time. Right now, let’s check if you are reborn.

Here are some basic questions for you (that can be answered by a yes or no). If you have a published edition of this guide, please feel free to check the [ ] next to “Y” if Yes and “N” if No. The more checks in “Y” you have, the more likely it is for you to be reborn.

Let’s proceed. (If you do not have a published edition, we advise you to ask your System Administrator or Resident Godly Aide to open the “Interactive Settings” found on the floating menu provided to you via your holographic status window as this will allow you to use the piece as a digital workbook like those found on the Internet back on Earth. If you do not have access to the Interactive Settings, please check in your “About Us” page of your status window for the System Code Info. Should the Version be older than Version 432.3004.1209, meaning the first two digits of the last four in the code is less than 12, you should call this number XXX-XXXX-8999 as you might have been provided an illegal system or been reborn illegally.)

1. [ ] Y [ ] N       Can you move your fingers? (If you do not have fingers or any sort of anthropomorphic structures please check out our other guide, available in all 329,349,128,382 official languages, titled “Madame Kismet’s Guide to Non-human Rebirth. Now, available in the 3290^th edition!)              
2. [ ] Y [ ] N       Are you able to lift your hips?
3. [ ] Y [ ] N       Are you able to stand up? (Please do not get hurt trying to do this.)
4. [ ] Y [ ] N       Can you try screaming the English word C-O-C-K-R-O-A-C-H?
5. [ ] Y [ ] N       Look at your surroundings, are you bigger than it or is it bigger than you? Can you identify what it is? Should it be bigger than you? (Meaning is a bed supposed to tower over you based on your Earth-Human understanding.)

Those five questions should have provided you with an understanding of your primary circumstances. I must warn you that if you checked 1-4 as Yes but number 5 as No, you might be in a place where the average race height supersedes the standards of your original plane. Simply put, there may be smaller or larger in stature or you might be under some abnormal circumstances. (Fret not, we also provide pamphlets for such situations! Check out our Shopping tab and you might gain access to it.)

If according to the results from the above questionnaire, you can move your fingers, have no difficulty raising your hips, are able to stand unassisted, and can utter the name the cursed beast, congratulations you might have been reborn around the “mid-childhood” to “early/late adult” period of your body’s life.

 If you can do all those things in a labored way, but everything is of typical (Earth-Human Standard) you might be in the “late adult” to “early senility” period.

If you are can do all those things but in a limited fashion and most of the things are atypical (Earth-Human Standard) in size, you might have been blessed into the body of a wee infant.

Were you initially, according to your pre-rebirth memories (will come as a welcome package or might be unlocked given your system conditions or divine contract), in that state prior to the “Rebirth Boot” (a.k.a. The Black Hole Of Existence That Happens Mid-Transfer But Also Due To The Lagging Supra-System Of The Divine Cycle)?

Yes?

Well, you’re hallucinating, then, get some sleep, drink some vitamins, and get tested for COVID-19. You might be ill, lacking sleep, or having a mental breakdown. Please look for professional help and, if unavailable or expensive, look outside and smell the smog filled air of your cityscape and, if you have the funds, please order some food that does not come the conveyor belt of Big Gastro (the red nosed/braided red-haired clown beasts).

No?

Well, you’re fucked. Welcome to your new reality! You’re lucky, though, Miss Kismet (me) is an expert and is here to give you the run down to being the best reborn version you can sorta maybe be.

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