Chapter 1: Sick Time

To: All Inbound Specialists of Department Zero

From: Robert York, Head of Department Zero

RE: Sick Time

 

I know people have been complaining about not getting enough time off. We have been very generous with our sick time and personal time and vacation time in our contracts, but some of you have been complaining about not being allowed to use your time off. Furthermore, because of this, people have been using their sick time almost as soon as they have been accumulated the hours to compensate for this.

 

We are happy to announce that we have come up with a solution.

Accounting has been crunching the numbers and discovered that a great deal of cost is eaten up with retirement, illnesses, and paying out life insurance policies when our employees commit suicide from being worked to the point of insanity. Apparently using time off is important for this thing called, "Mental Health". Yes, it is actually a thing. Jill down in accounting sent me a link to a wikipedia page.

 

Who Knew?

 

So we started crunching numbers. Originally, we thought it would be cheaper to kill everyone, but when you add in the cost of training your replacements, it's just not cost effective. So, we contacted a dark oracle. (You’d be surprised at the cost savings over an ordinary oracle.) We hired him to take your souls and hearts out of your bodies and place them in containers where we could keep them safe.

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We were going to save the announcement for the annual Pizza Lula and Employee Appreciation Day this Friday, but it seems that Lester got hit by a bus and discovered that he cannot die. So if the secret is out, let's make it official!

 

 

Congratulations! Everyone in department zero is immortal! The savings to the company should be amazing while costing only a few pennies a day to keep the cooler running where we store your still beating hearts.

 

Which reminds me, Jenkins, that thumping sound of a hundred beating hearts and the wails of the damned that keeps wafting down from the air vent above you will only last until Friday when maintenance will close off that vent completely by thickening the wall between worlds. I know you've been complaining that the air blows on you directly, so two birds with one stone covered in blasphemous runes, I guess.

 

 

Please note, this is a pilot program, so the rest of the company is unaware of your new condition. So, let’s not brag about it to anyone else, shall we? If this works out, we'll look into expanding the program to include all key personnel.

Oh, one other thing. You may, from time to time, find yourself craving human flesh. HR is aware of this and has prepared for the occasional attack of the "munchies". The rotating refrigerated snack kiosk has had packets of human flesh added to it under the snack name, "Red Rum Cake". And is available of 5.95 each. We know this is a little expensive, but it's only because the cost of raw human flesh is rather high and we need to recoup our costs. Also, it will discourage the other departments from buying it, which I'm sure is something nobody wants.

Any rate, Congratulations and hope to see you all at the Pizza Lula and Employee Appreciation Day Extravaganza!

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