Chapter 7: Down Time

To: All Inbound Specialists of Department Zero

From: Robert York, Head of Department Zero

RE: Down Time

 

 

I know the phones have been down for over an hour, so there are no calls to answer. However, that doesn't mean there isn't work to do.

 

 

1. If anyone starts singing any song by Poodle Hat, remember: One in the heart, one in the head, to make sure, they stay dead. Since everyone's heart is down in the cooler, make sure to get the key from me.

 

2. Why not take the opportunity to use our automated snitch line?

 

You are reading story MEMOS (One Shot) at novel35.com

3. No matter how bored you are, DO NOT start reading through the dictionary to see if you can trigger any subliminal commands. We just finished getting the monitor lizard smell out of the break room and we don't need to stink up the office with freshly slaughtered co-worker. I don't care if people will just slowly pull themselves back together again.

 

4. Spend your whole life trying to make yourself feel like you are worth something, but you know deep down inside that nothing you do means anything and nothing you've ever accomplished has had a positive impact. You hurt the people around you in a fashion that destroys their self-esteem because if you didn't, they might wise up and stop spending time with you. Only by convincing your "friends" and family that they are worthless, will they settle on spending time with you. You are dead inside and unworthy of love. I didn't say you were unworthy of MY love. You are unworthy of ALL love. You are incapable of it as well. You pretend to experience it, but it's just a manifestation your manipulation of everyone around you. You don't actually care about anyone but yourself. You are poison in humanoid form. But please, Prove me wrong. Show me one moment of Understanding. One Flicker of Compassion. One Drop of Empathy. Perhaps actually experience sympathy for once. But that moment you show me has to be out of a genuine kindness. It has to be because you actually care about another human being more than yourself. I have no doubt that you pretend to show all those things all the time, but it's only so you can worm your way into people's lives, shatter their self-image, then force them to become codependent on you by being a black hole of emotional need. A bottomless pit of nothing. A psychic vampire draining everyone around you to feed your endless hunger for attention. It's the only way anyone would ever remain willingly in your presence.

 

5. Replenish office supplies like forms and implements of inscription

 

6. We all remember the riots, bonfires, and the strange miasma that caused all the hair of its victims to fall off. Then re-root wherever it landed. And continue growing. Even if it landed on textiles or asphalt. Now would be a good time to shave your desks. Remember: A well groomed workstation, is a happy workstation.

 

7. Rework the cubical layout by using a so-called "Voronoi diagram" as named by the Ukrainian mathematician Georgy Voronoy.

 

8. Catch up on your paperwork for Operation Highjump!

 

9. Check the drop ceiling for Tessellated Thaumnavores and Brachiating Mollusks.

 

10. Forge madness in the crucible of your mind as practice for when the calls start back up.

 

11. Renew the wards against vengeful spirits.

 

12. Maybe get rid of that bit of spinach stuck between your front teeth because it's goddamn disgusting I can't even look at you when you talk how can you be so utterly clueless i'll by you an entire box of dental floss if you promise to use it.

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