Chapter 36: Ch. 35 – Cellmates

This jail cell is even cozier than the one in Bruda, Momo thought, smiling gleefully as she spread out like a handcuffed starfish on the cold, steel floor. It was spacious, smelled only mildly of death, and included a small pillow. She’d be giving it five stars.

“Are you… enjoying this?”

Radu peered over her from above, interrupting what could have been a nice doze. She frowned, turning up to face him. She retracted her five star rating - as this cell included a cellmate. She considered bribing one of the guards for a single room, but she didn’t want to hurt the lizard’s feelings.

“Of course I’m enjoying it,” she said, “I don’t even have to pay for lodging. It’s a money saver.”

He laughed, shaking his head “You have the world’s most optimistic view on prison.”

He sunk down onto the floor beside her, poking at the cuffs around his wrists. Unlike Momo’s, they were glowing with a magical aura. They seemed to have an enchanted property to them, only awarded to the most wanted offenders: the red Radu, the frog-like Teddy, and a few other unfamiliar con artists in the surrounding cages.

The knights seemed to use the same magic at the pub, casting a wave of mana curses to instantly disable the revolting Con Artists. A few evaded arrest with the old-fashioned 'outrun the cops' strategy, but Momo had gone easy. She wasn't interested in running or paying for a hotel. A win-win.

“They finally gave me the mana-depleters,” Radu grumbled, pulling at the handcuffs unsuccessfully. “This is going to make escape more difficult than usual.”

Escape? Momo couldn’t understand why anyone would want to leave. Prison on Alois was nothing but free accommodation to her. It wasn’t like back on Earth, where prison guards would scare you with notions of torture or hell. Momo had already slept next to Devola, which covered the torture part, and she’d gone to the Nether, and it was tolerable enough. It had takeout, and nail salons.

“I think I’ll stay here for a bit, actually,” Momo said, massaging her temples, “I haven’t slept well in months.”

“Gods, I know living on the streets is bad, but I didn’t know prison was much better,” Radu said, wearing a pitying expression.

“What? I don’t live on the streets,” Momo frowned, “I’m part of a — guild.”

His eyebrows shot up. “You’re part of a guild and you live like that? What is it, the Sufferers Guild For Tortured and Masochistic People?”

Valerica would probably have preferred that name, Momo thought begrudgingly. She decided to not reflect on that thought, or what it might imply about her living situation.

“No,” Momo shook her head, “we’re a law-abiding and prestigious dumpling society.”

“Dumping society?”

“Dumpling,” she corrected him, narrowing her eyes, “it is a simple yet delicious food, ubiquitous across many cultures, manifesting in different shapes and delicious forms.”

His smile grew, “oh I am very sorry, my dear lady. I didn’t mean to offend your dumpling sensibilities.”

Momo groaned, closing her eyes again. This is why she chose not to interact with strangers.

Still, there was something about the lizard-boy that put her at ease. She didn’t usually spare more words than “yes,” “no,” “Momo,” or “I’ll be leaving now,” with people outside of Valerica, but he had a disarmingly charismatic presence. Too charismatic.

Momo opened her eyes again, her suspicions renewed.

“Are you conning me right now?” she said, pointing an accusatory finger.

His eyes widened, and he laughed, taken off guard.

“It would be a pretty terrible con, if this was the outcome.”

That was true. Momo frowned.

“Then why do I not find you terrible to talk to?” Momo mumbled.

“Are you calling me charming?” Radu grinned, his pearly-white teeth flashing, “well, thank you.”

Momo’s frown deepened. That couldn’t be it. Momo was not so easily and so quickly charmed.

Except by most beautiful women, in which she was usually taking orders embarrassingly immediately. See: Momo’s entire life since she had been resuscitated on this planet.

But a conniving lizard man? That was a different equation entirely.

“I know what it is,” Momo said, coming to a realization as she studied him, “it’s your cute little gecko face.”

“My - what?”

“It reminds me of something tiny and defenseless, like a baby reptile. But it is a front.”

“Yes, well, obviously, seeing as I am a gecko-man and not a man-shaped-gecko.”

Momo’s eyes widened. Ah!

“So I was right about the order of those things,” she grinned.

He blinked at her, bewildered. “I must reaffirm that you are a very strange person.”

Momo shrugged, “and you’re part lizard. That isn’t very normal either.”

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“I must disagree with you. Halflings are a very common species on Alois. Gods, you must really be a sheltered one,” he said, scooching closer to her on the prison cell floor. His beady eyes studied her.

“Are you a Nether demon?” he asked innocently.

Momo's jaw dropped, affronted. “Of course I’m not. I am a one-hundred-percent regular person.”

“You told me earlier that you have a rat running your heart.”

“It’s an assistive device,” Momo pouted, “plenty of people have them.”

“Touché,” he said, and sighed, “I’m just making conversation. It’ll be forever until we get an audience with the Head Knight. Could be hours, days, weeks. There’s a long list of criminals on her cutting block.”

“Sounds perfect,” Momo said, curling into a fetal position, “I’ll be asleep. Please only wake me in the case of extreme danger.”

Radu crossed his arms, an unbelieving expression on his face. “Are you really not going to try and escape? Do you even know what happens to people who get sentenced?”

This caught Momo’s attention, and she turned reluctantly to face him.

“They get sentenced to multiple years of hotel-jail?”

He chuckled. “No. There’s a reason they call a meeting with Head Knight Vivienne, ‘Final Judgment.’ Death by executioner’s blade is the lucky way out with her.”

Momo’s skin crawled. And necromancers were supposed to be the evil ones? Valerica was basically a walking Mother Teresa next to your average Holy Knight.

“That doesn’t seem… fun,” Momo sighed. She saw her pleasant future of sleeping on this wonderfully hard floor crumble in front of her. Instead, she would have to do something about it. The worst fate of all.

“A very apt deduction,” he joked, “are you sure you’re not part of a Detective’s Guild for Expert Sleuths?”

“They wouldn’t know how to handle my level of intellect,” Momo muttered, not taking kindly to his sarcasm. His cute little gecko face would only get him so far with her.

She peered through the bars of the cell, analyzing the room. Theirs was just one cell in a long hallway, cages barricading the walkway on each side. Knights patrolled up and down the way, carefully glaring at anyone with too much hope in their eyes. Momo noted the keyrings hanging out of their belts. If she just had extremely long, invisible hands…

Oh - wait. She kind of did.

She retreated to the back of the cage, trying to put a distance between herself and the knights’ prying ears. Once she was sufficiently un-hearable, she made a clicking sound.

An invisible, furry head nudged into her hand.

“So you did make it past the guards!” Momo whispered excitedly, nuzzling the invisible cat, “who’s the most devious, sneakiest little kitty? You are.”

“I’m sorry, are you insane? Or is someone in the room with us that I don’t know about?”

“Keep your voice down,” Momo insisted, “Dusk, this is Radu. Radu, Dusk.”

Radu’s entire body tensed as the cat pawed at his ankles.

“What in the Gods’ many names just touched me?” he yelped quietly, goosebumps running up and down his scales, “was that a floating paw?”

“It’s just a cat,” Momo shrugged, “no need for all the drama.”

“An invisible cat,” he argued, glaring. “A little warning would have helped.”

“Sorry,” she said, not really meaning it. She reached out, tugging Dusk away from Radu’s legs. She had begun to play with them like a scratching post, much to his evident displeasure.

“I know Dusky, the scales have such a good texture,” Momo sympathized, cradling the invisible feline, “but we have to respect people’s personal space regardless of how fun it is to pet them.”

“I’m sorry - pet me?”

Momo ignored him, and scratched behind Dusk’s ears.

“I have an assignment for you. I know you’re used to being upper management now, but since we left your lackeys back at home, you’re going to have to get your paws dirty for a bit. Is that okay?”

The cat purred quietly in agreement. Momo grinned.

“Good, then,” Momo pointed discreetly at the keys hanging from the guards’ belts, “I’m going to need you to sneak that keyring off of him. He can’t see or hear you, okay? I know the seeing part is easy, but we can’t have those keys flying around the place.”

The cat’s head nodded against her palm.

“That’s not a half bad idea,” Radu interjected, eyes glowing with mischief, “if I can get these mana-suckers off, I can get us out of here with ease.”

Momo nodded. She was happy to let the cat and lizard carry the bulk of this escape plan. It allowed time for maybe a 2 or 3 minute in-between nap.

“Alright Dusky,” Momo leaned in, whispering into the cat’s translucent ear, “it’s go time.”

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