Chapter 27: 26. The call of the void (Part 2)

The carriage was making its way to the Septenary church in the lower district.

It was in no way the most glamorous church in the capital, but it had a strong connection with the people.

As per noblesse oblige, the aristocratic families had picked these facilities to make appearances on public holidays. It allowed for a closer connection with the commoners… Or so they said.

Before, I personally had frequented a church in the upper districts dedicated to the god of war, Steihnner, for the strength and protection he had provided me in battle… But now these blessings felt vain in a world I barely felt a connection with.

The carriage came to a stop and I stared out of the window. The church stood tall and bright. It’s incandescent marble walls standing in great contrast to the neighboring commoner housing.

The coach driver opened the door and I stepped down.

The steps leading to the church were still the same I had climbed a year ago with my Lilica.

I could hear her laughs and her excited talks about the children manning the door and about the baby….

Now, the judgmental stare of a hundred gods sculpted into the church walls weigh heavily on my conscience.

I had failed her. I had failed them. I had failed myself.

I struggled to keep straight as I pushed through my shame to walk up to the doors of the church.

“W-Welcome sir!”

A nervous voice said at the door. I lifted my head and met the girl’s emerald green eyes.

From her expression, I already knew my face must have looked horrible, but she tried to stay composed and smiled.

“C-Could I have y-yo-your name, p-please?”

The girl had difficulty getting words out, a stutter maybe? Not surprising. Orphans seemed to have issues more often than other children. Perhaps as a result of losing their parents… Or maybe they were the reason their parents abandoned them.

“Baron Marshall Ashbrook.”

I told the girl.

Her eyes darted through the sheet of paper in front of her.

“Y-Your s-ss-seat will b-be 5-1 to 5-3. W..Will the o-o-ooo-other guest j-join y-you soon?”

Something gripped my guts.

“No.”

I said dryly.

Her face twitched nervously. Maybe I should have tried to sound nicer…

“I-I-I see. P-Please follow my f-fr-friend S-Si-Si-li-li-lika”

Li...Lilica?

My eyes jumped to the other girl.

And there she was.

In the flesh.

We had spoken of her extensively.

How she would have looked.

Golden eyes like mine. The same round cheeks and small shapely nose as hers. Hair a perfect mix of my fiery red and her shimmering silver.

The same fierce look as her mother.

The greeter girl said something to ‘Lilica’, but I was so focused on looking at this mirage that I didn’t even hear words being exchanged.

The little girl that shouldn’t exist gave a small bow and started walking away.

I tried to capture the apparition’s form with my eyes before it disappeared.

Maybe the gods in their eternal mercy granted me a vision of my unborn daughter? A last farewell?

“S-Sir? S-Silika is w-w-waiting for y-you.”

Was that the name we would have given her? Silika… So similar to her mother.

Is it really my time? Should I join them in the void? The great unknown?

The apparition stopped and turned toward me. Her eyes locked with mine again.

The same golden eyes as the one I had seen in the mirror every day of my life.

For a symbol of hate, why did they look so lovely on her?

Suddenly the apparition came back rushing toward me.

Had the gods lost patience with me? Had they come to claim me here and now in this holy ground?

Something warm latched onto my hand.

My mind snatched back to reality. This was real. Not an apparition. Lilica was dead and my daughter was never born.

I looked down expecting the apparition to have changed form, but to my surprise she was the same.

Her fierce eyes looked at me with a tinge of annoyance, but also worry.

She pulled me along and we travelled along the rows of seats.

To think there was a girl like her, living in this world. A girl just like my daugther.

I felt my eyes about to burst. I hadn’t cried since the day Lilica died, but now that I saw this girl, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I tried to keep a straight face, but the tears kept flowing. We eventually reached my seat, but the girl panicked when she saw me.

She looked around for a bit, before dragging me off-stage to a Fey kinsmann.

“What is it, Silika…? Oh I see… Let me just…”

The woman tried to say before being interrupted.

“Felicia! Can you come check this out?”

The kinsmann named Felicia looked at a loss. I couldn’t meet her eyes, ashamed of my current situation.

“Silika, can you bring the lord to the prayer room? I’ll be there in a moment.”

The young girl nodded and dragged me to the prayer room.

Once the door behind us closed, I found it oddly quiet. While the rest of the church had been packed and busy, this room was completely silent.

The girl I now realised was named Silika, not Lilica, took a seat on one of the pews.

She looked so young. Probably no more than 5 or 6 years old, yet her face had a serious expression on it.

It suddenly occurred to me that this girl must be an orphan as well. She was dressed in the outfit they gave children when assisting service. She also had been waiting at the doors.

She looked at me curiously for a moment before wordlessly inviting me to come sit beside her.

Realising how awkward it was to just stand there, I came and sat right beside her. It was strange to have such a small thing sitting right beside me. Like having a small animal.

I looked in front. There a statue of Seeir stood.

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Lilica, being of very strong Seeir descent, had been a strong believer in the goddess of law’s teaching. Believing that her life’s mission was to spread the idea of peace and equality to the masses. I had always thought it slightly naive, but it was part of her charm.

Tears started flowing my eyes again as I recalled these things. I hid my face in my hands, ashamed of the display I was showing this child.

To my surprise, I felt a small tud on my back. I turned to the girl who was awkwardly reaching around my large back to pat it.

Probably imitating something she had seen before.

Such a small thing...

I faced the statue and peered into Seeir’s inscrutable eyes..

“Life is really strange, you know?”

I said, leaving a moment of silence, but the girl didn’t say anything, so I continued.

“I had everything. The love of my life with a baby on the way. We finally were going to make peace with her father and have him acknowledge us. We were going to return to Norland and live peacefully at my father’s estate until one day I would succeed him. A quaint life. No war, no politics. I would have given up anything I needed for us to live happily… And in one single night, all of it was gone.”

I turned and looked at the girl.

Her bright eyes curiously stared at me.

I couldn’t bear to look at her, so I turned away again.

“You look a lot like her, you know? Or what she would have looked like... I kept thinking about it for the last 6 months. What our life would have been if that night had never happened. What our baby would have looked like, what she would have sounded like and acted like. What we would have named her… Sometimes, I wonder… I wonder if it’s worth continuing. They will never come back. I will never meet a woman like her, and my child will never grow up. Is it really a life worth living? Should I just give up? Let them take everything that’s left? Let the Duke roll us over, take my land, my name? Should I give up and live as a beggar in the low quarters or perhaps simply return to the dirt in the hopes of meeting those I love in the void? Is it worth fighting on for a life I don’t even want to live anymore?”

I looked at the girl once more, braving her fierce stare, hoping for a sign. Although I now knew she was not a spirit sent by the gods, there was wisdom in the words of children.

She hesitated for a moment. Bit her lips, tried to say something,but then stopped, before thinking about it again.

“Ey don ry dertion…”

As soon as she started speaking, I understood how self absorbed I had been.

Her speech was broken. Completely indecipherable, but it was structured. Reflected and thought through.

She was telling me something no mortal ears could ever hear.

Something deep, painful and abject. She shared these things with a stranger who she could not speak to… And couldn’t listen.

I knew what she was.

I had met soldiers like her on the battlefield. Men who had been too close to explosions or other accidents.

Losing your hearing was difficult enough as an adult, I couldn’t begin to imagine how it was for an orphan child.

As she spoke, tears pooled in the corner of her eyes. She whipped them without stopping her speech. Aas she did, her sleeves pulled back, exposing her arm.

Scars covered them. They looked discolored, like the shield arm of career soldiers.

I felt sick to the stomach just imagining what might have caused those marks.

By the time she was done, she was sobbing loudly, but still looked up at me, smiling through the tears clouding her eyes.

I reached into my breast pocket and handed her my handkerchief.

Nevermind that I was giving it to a commoner, the guilt of making a child recall whatever she had gone through was a much graver sin.

Soon after the kinsmann returned to the room.

“I’m so sorry about the delay..!”

She noticed Silika’s teary eyes, but seeing as the young girl was smiling, she probably thought it better not to say anything. She gave a short bow to the girl.

“Thank you, Silika! You can return to your friends now.”

The little girl hopped off from the pew and gave a short bow in my direction. She looked down at her hand, remembering the handkerchief, and tried to give it back to me.

I shook my head.

“It’s a gift. For the trouble I caused.”

She probably misunderstood what I said as her face turned red in embarrassment.

She then did something unusual .

She curtsied like a young noble lady before running out of the room.

I looked at the door dumbfounded.

“She’s an angel, isn’t she?”

I blinked a few times, before I realised the kinsmann was addressing me.

“Uh, yes! Sorry. Yes absolutely. A very kind girl.”

She smiled.

“Smart too. She’s the one who organised the seating arrangement for today’s event. Or so her friend claims.”

Surprisingly it seemed the kinsmann was familiar with the girl…

“Who… Who is she?”

I was still thinking about the curtsy at the end, but perhaps she had not noticed.

She tilted her head, giving me an inquisitive look, but opted to simply respond to my question.

“Her name is Silika. She’s from the orphanage that’s being run just two street from here.”

“And she’s…”

I said while pointing at my ear.

“Deaf? Yes. Very much so. Untreatable from what I’m told. I don't know the details, but I also heard her family was quite abusive too. She’s still healing from that.”

“Poor kid.”

I said without thinking, but the kinsmann knowingly nodded.

She cleared her throat and turned toward me again.

“...But we’re here for you right now. Was there something I could do for you? If you need some guidance or…”

I shook my head.

“No. I think Silika gave me all the guidance I needed today.”

She nodded and I stood up from my seat.

I walked toward the door, but before I left, I turned to the woman once more.

“Uhm… About the orphanage.”

A knowing smile appeared on her face.

“Yes, it’s On Plum street, just turn left out of the church . It’s two streets down. You can’t miss it.”

I nodded and headed back to my seat in the main hall.

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