Chapter 26: Arc 1, Bonus: His thoughts

The first time I noticed his presence was on the train.
It was a coincidence that I sat next to him - it was the only seat open. I had noticed that I was going to sit next to another student, but he appeared to prefer the quiet last wagon as much as I did, so I sat down.

He promptly stared at me.

I felt annoyance well up within me in an instant. Again? I had just fled from an overly touchy-feely girl and now there was the next one staring at me?

But he didn't continue.
He was awkward - very much so - and fidgety, quite clearly nervous to sit next to me. But he didn't talk and didn't follow me out but rather let me leave alone. At that moment, I was just happy that someone left me alone for once, despite being curious.

The next time I met him was when he put on an act to get rid of some bullies. I immediately thought it might have been planned, but to be honest - he didn't strike me as the type of person to do such a thing.

The third time, he introduced himself.

I didn't find it weird. It was the third time we interacted, after all, and although he kept on stuttering and fidgeting, he didn't have that lovestruck gaze that people often had around me. He didn't look like he was lying when he said he wasn't scared of me, either. So I thought, well, I guess he really is just someone who can't talk well to strangers. That's why I gave him my name; because he seemed just nervous, and I liked that honest tone of his voice, even with all the stuttering.

That's also why I didn't mind asking him about the deal.
If he needed a tutor and I needed someone to spend time with, then I felt he was probably a good choice. I never regretted it.

The first lesson, he was about as uncomfortable as I was.
I wasn't used to talking so much.
He wasn't used to me.

It took a while for both of us to relax, but after that, things were easier.

He was a bit more than I expected: An awkward guy who easily turned nervous, an honest person that would try his best to tell the truth, a student that wanted to get better.
I always felt a sense of satisfaction at seeing his face bloom into a delighted smile whenever he managed to solve a hard math problem.

That guy, I actually didn't mind spending time with.

But how did people get along, actually? Relationships weren't just something that existed, they required work, I knew that. But what kind of work? I thought, maybe sharing a hobby or something was a good start, but I had barely even touched a game in my whole life.
At least he was eager to explain. A bit too eager, so he sat too close to me, but by the time I noticed, I couldn't move away without being too obvious.

He didn't take advantage of it, though. He just moved away afterwards.

Things weren't always that uncomplicated, though.
Due to him, I learned about all the rumors and the gossip that went on behind my back. Most of all, the fact that a large number of people thought I was pretty much going out with Prez.

I hated it. I hated the thought. Prez was a nice person, yes, but he got too close to me all the time (physically). I had no interest in him, none at all. The rumor disturbed me, but I could control that feeling. Until I saw that guy's face.

I couldn't quite tell what his expression was, but I disliked it. It felt like he was going to go on a distance.
I didn't like that. We got along, we could talk together, it wasn't uncomfortable to spend time with him. But he looked troubled about the rumor, so I hurried to deny it.
Did he believe me? I don't know. 

Aah. I really don't like that.

When he invited me to a thriller, I agreed immediately.
It had been forever since I had last been to a movie, and it was something friends did, so I wanted to take the chance.

He looked different. 
Not unusual-different, or weird-different, just different-different.

I understood it a short while later: He was tall.
A good bit taller than me, to the point I had to look up. I hadn't noticed that before, but the realization wasn't bad. He had to look down at me, but that somehow made him feel even more relaxing than he usually did.
Yeah, that was probably it. He was relaxing. Even more so on that day. Even more so when he said that he really did see me as a friend.

The movie was bad for me, I admit. I couldn't stand the jumpscares, so I was stuck with clinging to his arm, relieved to know there was someone else around me in the darkness of the room. 
But somehow, the mood was weird when we left the cinema.

It was weird to hear him call me by my last name, so I told him to call me Mizuki. It was weird to call him Riku. It was weird to hear him call my name.
It was weird, so I felt like fleeing, but I didn't, because I didn't want to. Somehow.

It was weird to hear him say that he liked being around me. It was weird, but it made me happy, so I smiled, because I wanted him to keep being my friend and it was good to hear he thought the same.

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The waitress heard our conversation and said we looked good together. It took me a moment to understand what she was talking about, making me feel awkward.
Riku apologized, because he worried that I might be uncomfortable.

Indeed, that thought, it really was...
Weird?
Was it?

It was weird - but only that I thought it wasn't weird.

I cut the thought process off, completely. It was too confusing, too unusual. Uncomfortable, not because of the thought itself, but because I didn't know what to make of it.

It felt like something was scratching at me, constantly.
When Riku smiled at me because I said something, it was itchy. When I met his sister who looked at me with some sort of expectation in her eyes, it was itchy. When I had to wait for him to say whether he'd be in a group with me for the charity event, it was itchy.
When he asked me about the president, when he didn't answer, the itch became a burn.

Uncomfortable and annoying, searing me. 
Don't think that the rumors are true. Don't be mad because of gossip. Don't ignore me.

My mind was a mess, but I still kept following him. He was a source of comfort - I liked being around him, so even when I didn't think, I still wanted to enjoy that comfort just a bit longer and followed instinctually.

I didn't understand what he meant when he said he didn't care about who else was in the group. What was that supposed to tell me? Why did you say that? Why did it sound so unusual, the way you said it?

Why do you try to keep a distance from me on the train when you're clearly having trouble because of all the people pushing?

Why do I want to curl up and hide when I hear your voice in my ear, why do the places where your breath touches my skin tingle, why do I not retreat even though I can barely think?

In fact, Riku, you are too comfortable for me.
You are too comfortable, so I can't distance myself even if I think I should. It feels too nice to be close to you, so I won't retreat even though I can't breathe.

My body is too hot, too sensitive, too responsive to things it shouldn't respond to.
I don't know much about relationships and feelings, but that much, even I know.

I needed time to think. 
I knew my own body well enough - I didn't like close contact with people, especially not when it was intimate. But it was a fact that I hadn't minded it on the train, and it was a fact that I felt unhappy even just not seeing him during the exams.

I was still thinking, but that didn't mean I didn't want to have that comfortable feeling of having him around back, so I went along to spend time with him and his friends. They weren't bad, either.

“I bet he’s the type to want to know everything about the people he likes.”

It was a random sentence, just thrown into the room without any actual intent behind it. It was just a comment.
Just that one word did strike me.

There had been something scratching at me for a while, annoying and obnoxious.
It scratched and scratched and left behind an itch that I couldn't just solve on my own, so I asked Riku. I hadn't intended for things to go that way.

But his face lit up when I asked him for help, as if it was the greatest gift to be asked a favour by me, and the itch stopped.

I leaned over, just to check. I was an idiot in both relationships and feelings, so I had to make sure of everything, and it felt like the best way to answer that question that had been scratching at me.

A sweet tingle and pleasantly burning sensation in my stomach was the answer.

Well then, was my only thought, if that's how it is, then so be it.

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